Part 23: Episode XXII: Tomb Raider (Necropolis)
Episode XXII: Tomb Raider (Necropolis)
When last we left our heroine, she had just finished the most godawful boring bullshit segment of the game. Let us never speak of it again. With that said, let's continue...
Right, then. Where were we? Oh yes, more teleporting. Since, that hasn't gotten played out yet. For, you see this one is big and standing up! Innovation, I tell you! Innovation!
Stepping through the portal lands Alyssa in a cave which
Today's forecast calls for overcast skies with a light northeastern breeze. Chance of collapsing stone walkway is at 85%.
At the other end of the path is a small cave which leads to this lovely mural. Guarded by what appears to be blade-wielding stone clowns.
Alyssa begins reading the ancient text below the mural of a young girl getting sacrificed. How she is able to translate the ancient runes isn't really covered. But, the Dark Gentleman narrating it probably helped things along.
"there is no purer path than this: first pound your head into a wall several times. And I mean hard. The time it'll take for the process will vary. Less so if you weren't that bright to begin with, it won't be long. Once that's accomplished, do the following:"
"drink deeply of her blood. Be sure to have a deep, gravely voiced Subordinate on hand to yell out 'FATALITY!' Immediately strike a pose afterwards, or the ceremony will go incomplete."
"and the dark power of the Entity shall be thine. The summoning of an evil clock tower for the proceedings is optional."
"But who? Who wants to drink my blood to become an Entity? Who would do this?"
Alright, kiddo. Now, it needs to be someone related to you by blood. Let's review:
Nancy Hamilton: Dead.
Philip Hamilton: Very dead.
Now, who's left to drink your blood? Let's review:
The Dark Gentleman: Fat, creepy, and already intent on killing you. Might possibly be a distant uncle. The type you keep your distance from at reunions and other family functions.
Dick Hamilton: Batshit and missing for years.
Count Dracula: Lord of Darkness. Resurrected every other weekend. Has a thing for young girls.
Since Vlad is probably up to his ass in Belmonts and Dick is AWOL, I think maybe...just maybe...the guy who's said multiple times he's going to kill you and already outright said he killed your mother might be the one out to get you. Just a hunch.
Oh well, no time for musing. A completely unrelated event is about to occur.
What's this? Something shooting straight out of the writer's asses, into a portal, and straight from the sky...despite being in a cave...
Ah! The mythical Old Rooder Arrow of Counter-Deus ex Machina by Means of Deus ex Machina.
Alyssa, with plot device out of literally nowhere in tow, heads back to the gateway.
The tenuous cavern walkway, of course, immediately begins to crumble.
Not too difficult, right? I mean, it's just a straight shot from here. Just a little left and right to avoid the stalagmites?
From across the mighty Pacific, a haunting cry of "Hah... FUCK YOUARU!" is heard from the land of the rising sun. Giving birth to this sequence.
A crazed blur filter. But that's not enough. The camera decides to weave back and forth violently, as though the cameraman from the Jason Bourne movies had an seizure and was already a heavy drinker to begin with.
That's to make no mention of the crumbling walkway sending clouds of dust into the screen. Coupled with instant death if you aren't quick enough or happen to walk off the edge during the sequence. Oh, and the nearest checkpoint is back when you initially set foot in the portal.
Have I mentioned I hate this game recently? I think I need to clarify the why of my hatred.
Alyssa rushes into the waiting portal. Wasting absolutely no time, the game dumps our girl straight...
...into the boss battle. <sigh> Just shoot me now.
"Considering, cheap tricks like opening sink holes aside, I've beaten all of you thus far fairly easily. I'd say there's a pr-"
Chopper strikes a pose.
One of which he waits patiently in for Alyssa to complete her transformation sequence.
"One more before retirement."
The lifebars can't really get much bigger after this guy. Right...?
BATTLE TWO! FIGHT!
Chopper is a pain in the ass. A huge pain in the ass, actually. For, you see, not only is he twice as fast as Alyssa. That would be bad enough.
He can also block any head on attacks, including Binding Arrows. That's right... We have a gimmick boss on our hands. The only way to damage Chopper is to run around the stage in circles. Hoping the loose controls don't crap out on you or you don't get stuck on a rogue grave corner. As, if you stop moving at all, Chopper will hit you.
He'll only stop for two reasons. To spew off his one taunt animation/sound bite. Which does nothing, as he'll catch up to you in about three seconds. The object of the battle is to wait for him to toss an axe at you in a manner not unlike a boomerang.
If you hit his axe with a third level arrow or above, it will be knocked back and strike him. Stunning him for a few seconds and allowing you to retaliate with some binding arrows and whatever other damage you can dish out. I should add, the only way you're possibly firing that arrow off is if you were a sizable distance away to begin with and immediately draw your bow the moment he does his "CATCH THIS!" taunt.
I should also add, you pretty much need to follow up with a charged arrow the instant Harold takes an axe to the face, or he'll recover with minimal damage and continue his assault. And it takes about a full minute each time for him to toss his axe.
Oh, and lastly. When he's taken a sizable amount of damage, Harold tosses an upgraded dual axe volley (as in he somehow fused the axes together turning them into a giant, homing, axe boomerang.) This has the same tactic behind it. Only, if you hit the thing at an angle (as it moves in a sort of arc) it wills imply bounce in some random direction and off the walls. Oh, and it also can somehow hit headstones and be deflected from its trajectory, despite the fact it's floating several feet off the ground.
Chock on a dick, Harold. Love: anyone who's ever played this game.
Harold gives the token less than manly Subordinate scream before not dying.
I guess that wasn't enough of a conclusion...
Alyssa busts out the Old Rooder Arrow from the closet dimension she keeps her goods. One which only fits one goddamn stone at a time.
"I can accept the rest of the arrows you've riddled me with are some sort of magic holy energy beams. But, what you're using now is clearly a physical object and your weapon clearly does not have a string to pull it back. Explain yourself, wench!"
The cutscene gods are clearly not pleased with Chopper's questioning of random events that clearly don't make a lot of sense. Thus, for his transgression, they fry his balls with electrical powers. Since it makes about as much sense as anything else so far.
"Plot devices! My only weakness! How did you know?!"
"That's sort of the whole point of it being a plot device. It don't need to know anything. It just works."
"G-Get to... Ge... Get to..."
I really hope this game is almost over.
Tune in next time for:
A ROODER RAPTURE!
Rooder Sacrifice Cutscene
Chopper Pre-Fight Intro
Chopper's Death Cutscene
Chopper's Scraped Transformation Design.