Part 5: Episode IV: Super Smash Brothers (Promenade)
Episode IV: Super Smash Brothers (Promenade)
When last we left our heroine, she'd traveled back in time to World War 2 in order to fight ghosts or something. With that said, let's continue...
First things first, that pesky sigil has to go. We don't need to end up time traveling to the Crusades to fight ghosts. That would be silly.
A short jog down some rickety stairs leads Alyssa to the next area: The Promenade.
A merry skip down the boardwalk leads us to the second and final non-plot related specter of the stage.
As the developers couldn't be arsed to have a charred female corpse when they'd already made a perfectly good male one, a chalk outline will have to suffice. I'm not how Alyssa deduced the martial relation of the writer with just a "My darling...".
Luckily, things don't have to make sense. So a ballpoint, grubby pen is the only thing bounding this soul to the world. I do hope if I become a roaming spirit, I'm not bound to the realm by a Bic pen or a Sharpie marker. That would be embarrassing once you make it to the afterlife...
The spirit continues its predecessor's attempt at the YMCA, but the afterlife cuts in at just the nick in time.
Alyssa receives and "Invisibility Band" as compensation for her efforts. While it may just seem like a neon green piece of plastic you'd find in a Dollar Store, you'd be mistaken. For, this item possess the same basic properties as optic camouflage. Unfortunately, much like Dollar Store items, the effects a short lived, at best.
The spirit also made it snow. Which is nice. It being Christmas and all.
Continuing her trek down the promenade, Alyssa comes across another magic sigil upon the entry to the "Norton Tailor".
I hear their service is a bit unfriendly.
As such, Alyssa continues her stroll toward the concert hall.
And by 'stroll' I mean 'I wish this bitch would hurry up with the whole running thing'.
Alyssa eventually makes her way to the entrance.
Uh-huh. Sure. Moving right along...
...I said moving right along.
"I don't have an invitation. That wouldn't be proper. Barging in like that. You Americans have no manners."
That's right... There's no magical seal or locking sound when attempting to open the door. Just a flier saying you need an invitation and Alyssa's refusal to go further... The fuck is wrong with you Brits?!
While barging in on a concert recital uninvited just won't do, Alyssa has no trouble breaking and entering. I somehow don't think 'but there was a magical glyph on the door' will hold up in court...
Unfortunately, it seems someone's already ransacked the place. Since, if I were going to risk getting blown up in a Nazi bombing run to do some looting, a tailor would be the first placed I'd knock over.
Among the scattered papers on the clerk's desk is one which catches Alyssa's eye. Mostly due to the fact it is glowing.
I smell a dopey subplot fast approaching.
December 27, 1942 Headline: Child Found Frozen to Death in Clothing Store! Police Baffled!
Putting the hammy note aside, Alyssa continues her...what was she doing in here again? I guess we'll label it an 'investigation' for conversation's sake. In any case, a pair of doors are found in the upper level.
The one to the right leads to another short walkway and another fancy sigil. It's thoughtful of the developers to make the game 100% linear, but still hold our hands through the process of following the only path.
Stalking through the bedroom, Alyssa finds something shiny to
It is a bit pretentious to have a framed photograph of yourself next to your bed, no?
Ignoring the proprietor's high self-esteem, Alyssa swipes a key which may or may not unlock a red drawer.
New key to a drawer she hasn't yet discovered in tow, Alyssa tries the opposite door on the walkway.
Thanks for point that out, Mistress of the Obvious. Now, head downstairs.
A set of newspaper headlines catch Alyssa's eye. Well... Not so much a headline as a page 8 story in the Daily Break section... What with World War II and all...
Christmas Tragedy: Young Pianist Brutally Murdered
"Police have released this sketch from eyewitness accounts:"
Chopin does not fuck around when it comes to people flubbing his work.
So...is it not Christmas Eve or is the newspaper from the future? I'm confused.
That's never good...
"Good lord! It's on your leg now! Stay still, child! Stay still!"
"Oh ick ick ick! I haaaaaaaate spiders! Get it off! Get it ooooff!!"
"Good GAWD! Child! Calm yourself! Lest the beast escape!"
"Oh god! Oh god! Oh gaaaaawd! It's going up my leg. Oh gawd!!"
"Eww! Ewww! Ewwwww! I caught it! Finish it off! Now! Finish it off! Ewwwwwww!"
"Don't worry, I'll take care of it, missy!"
"Eww! There's a spider."
"I-I... It was an accident. There was this spider and we were trying to kill it... I... I'm not a murderer!"
"Don't look at me like that! I'm a man! Not a monster! Not a killer! A maaaaaaan! Though... I could use a career change..."
"How do you know my name?! Who are you?!"
"It says it on your blazer."
"Oh, right. Carry on..."
Since we're in the area... That drawer does look awfully red.
What kind of asshole parent locks their daughter in her room, locks away the key, then goes off to join the army?
Oh right, the giant guy wielding a sledgehammer. This is, as his weapon of choice would imply, Sledgehammer. No...that's his name... Yes, really. The game's primary mechanic now comes into playing: running the fuck away and hiding from maniacs trying to kill you.
The only way to escape from your nemesis is to either keep running until you get to a preordained area they'll give up the chase (usually, just before a cutscene). Or failing that, there is also hiding until they give up the search. Areas in which Alyssa can hide are marked with a green glow, as shown.
The viewpoint shifts to first person in hiding areas. Assuming your pursuer doesn't see her enter the hiding place or (lacks particularly good vision that allow would allow him to see through a transparent veil) he will stalk about searching the area.
Should he spot you before you get behind your hiding spot, he'll run up and start screaming your name a few times, which will send Alyssa into Freak the Fuck Out mode. Which would be a bad thing, as any attack made with, say, a giant sledgehammer will kill our heroine during her panicked state. I'll get to more on that later.
Giving up the search, Sledgehammer utilizes his serial killer teleportation skill. Standard equipment for members of the trade.
Alyssa comes out of hiding and returns to finish investigating the previous area.
There's one more item of note in this area, before we depart.
Mr. Norton sure as shit didn't want anyone bugging around his office while he was gone. I guess we'll have to come back to this later.
Now, off to contaminate the crime scene!
I know Sledge was going all apeshit in here a few minutes ago. But that still doesn't explain the lack of bed. I'm guessing this whole game is going to turn out to be an allegory for child abuse. While we ponder these dire circumstances, a file to lighten the mood:
"You're a bloody hack, old man!"
I guess failing to win the contest and getting horribly murdered is a close runner-up. Not what I'd want my daughter to do to impress me. But you Brits and your kooky ways.
On the other side of the table we have one final trinket.
An Invitation to the Concert Hall. Just the thing we need to easy Alyssa's selective preoccupation of trespassing where uninvited.
"I left my car keys in there! Do you see them? Alyssa?! I'm going to be late for work! Alysaaaaaa!!"
Tune in next time for:
A clock tower.
Sledgehammer Intro Cutscene