Part 9: Episode VIII: A Link to the Past (Finale)
Episode VIII: A Link to the Past (Finale)
When last we left our heroine, she'd just seen a heartwarming family moment. Also, witnessed was a man get his shit ruined by an artillery shell. Which was slightly less heartwarming. With that said, let's continue...
Back in present day...? The past...? The future from the flashbacks but the past from the narrative's standpoint? Oh fuck it!
Back with Alyssa, the pocket watch from the flashback has materialized in the box which triggered the scene.
However, its appearance does little to quell the wrath of files...
"Hammer Killer" Hanged
Well hey, now! Old Slegehammer has a proper name: Bob. And...he's been dead for over a year...
How does one, albeit burly, man manage to kill five people, one strike a piece according to this article? The same man who got easily subdued by a child, much less.
I'm sure there's a logical explanation for the sudden change. Nothing off the wall like evil spirits possessing people to turn into serial killers for a higher power. Probably just a troubled childhood.
Oh, right. That whole semi-relevant objects have the ability to exorcise spirits business. Is that being brought back up?
This is the third time I've been back in this direction. This had better be fucking good...
Well, this is new...
"Up here, you fuckwit!"
This viewpoint makes me realize Bob would be a much better villain were he a midget. Maybe with reversed kooky speech or a funny accent. Something. Anything!
"Figured what out? I still haven't figured out why I'm in 1942. Much less anything about you, other than you've got a glass jaw."
"Strike me down and I'll become more powerful than you can ever imagine!"
"Did death bring you any additional powers aside from teleporting...?"
"N-No... Shut up! You're ruining the moment!"
"The beginning?! You were hung in the early half of 1941. You didn't kill her until the tail end of 1942. Not only does that not make any sense, it is by no means a beginning to anything. Your facts are highly questionable."
"Would you sh-that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, does it? So...I guess I'm a serial killer who died and came back as a ghost serial killer?"
"But...does that mean May was already dead and you just killed her ghost...?"
"Or kill her ghost or whatever!"
"I don't know. I'm still trying to wrap my head around whether I'm a ghost who happens to be a serial killer or a serial murderer who happens to kill ghosts... It's all very confusing."
"You don't have flimsy wooden chairs or empty musical instrument cases to save you this time, little girl! Ahahahaha. What now?!"
Will Alyssa bust out her mad kung-fu skills? Just run away like the last ten times? Perhaps seek out a cardboard box or 2x4 to chuck at the villain? Heavens no...
It's going to be much more retarded...
First of all, let's crank up that ugly yellow filter for no readily apparent reason.
Now, let's crank out some glowing magical sigil to power-up our heroine.
And get crackin'
It seems the bottle of holy water has something to say about this latest development.
That being shattering and transforming into a magical bow.
Alyssa grabs an arrow from off-screen and puts those boarding school archery classes to the test.
Aaaand...it's broken orbit.
Ladies and Gentlemen: I present to you the method of defeating the stage's nemesis. A magical bow and arrow formed from the shards of a bottle of holy water which fell out of a bloody eyed statue's head in a secret room behind a fireplace.
"Been keepin' busy. Ahahahaha"
"I read the news. It only said twelve victims."
"Ergh...well...you know how inaccurate reporting was back in the day. What with err...with the war and all."
"Now this hardly seems fair! I only killed twelve people and I already got hung for it!"
Heaven or Hell?! Let's Rock!!
So, after an entire stage of running like hell, Alyssa now has the power of magical archery in her corner and the game's first boss battle ensues. You'll notice Alyssa now has a health bar, as she is blessed with iron will (which will completely crumble after this battle) so panic is no longer a factor. The rest of the controls are identical, other than Holy Water is now replaced with.
...Golden Arrows of Light.
Not unlike ones utilized to defeat a certain reoccurring villain in a world's better series.
The arrows have four levels of strength, which power up the longer the arrow is held.
Level 1: A pinprick which accomplishes nothing.
Level 2: If you're lucky, it will stun the enemy and do an extremely minor tick of damage.
Level 3: Deals minor damage and knocks the enemy back, stunned, for a moment.
Level 4: Shoots a binding arrow.
There are also special attack arrows, like the repellent one from earlier. They fire immediately upon use. The repellant arrow is equivalent to a slightly more damaging Level 3 arrow.
The objective of this and every other boss battle is to fire off a Binding Arrow.
These arrows, like the name suggests, bind old Bob within a short mystical energy leash. As he has no ranged attacks (the only new attack he has for the fight is a choking attack), he's pretty much fucked at this point.
Now, just one binding arrow won't do the trick, other than trapping Bob and making him look even more incompetent than he already was. No, the goal is to bind him with three of these arrows.
Upon readying an arrow after three bindings, Alyssa will bust out her super heavenly power final finishing attack. How she knows how to do that falls under the same rabble of unanswered questions as 'how is she an expert at archery' or 'where the fuck are those arrows coming from'. She just is, they just are, and she's gonna do it.
"Isn't this a bit extreme?"
"What can I say? I'm a proponent of capital punishment."
And those Robert "Sledghammer" Morris is blown apart with such force his rapeface is propelled into the stratosphere.
For her efforts, Alyssa gains the first piece of an even more retarded plot thread from later in the game.
Bob's death leaves Alyssa free to go back and take care of May. She heads back to the concert hall floor.
"I'm really wondering why I have enough substance to play a grand piano but not enough to pick up a handkerchief and clean myself up. It's really bothersome to play in these conditions."
"I stole that first, you cunt nugget!"
"There was an explosion...a shell... Charred his body and sent his corpse flipping around in the air twenty feet. Then he landed SPLAT on barbed wire. Even if you hadn't screwed up the concert and had your performance aired on the radio, he never would have heard it because the better part of the back of his head was blown to pieces on impact. Sucks."
"...what the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you tell me that?!"
"Your tears won't bring your father back. He died in another country and...possibly another war... At least he will never know you completely failed at accomplishing anything great with your life and got killed by a maniac I just beat with magic arrows. I can defeat villains with magic arrows. What are you doing with your life? Oh right...you're dead. Sorry for bring that up again."
"I never knew my father. I lost him soon after I was born. I suppose that's not the same as your sole caretaker. But it's kinda like that... With the father thing and all... Right? But, I love my grandfather just the way your love your father. Only he's still alive and yours is getting scrapped up off a trench in France. Oh, darn. I need to stop bring up his horrific demise. Sorry."
"You know that would make him happy. Well, that and not being dead, I suppose."
"Faster! With more allegro. You call that playing? That last key was off. Your father would be ashamed, God rest his immolate lifeless husk."
"You know ventriloquism?"
"Not that I'm aware of. But I'm also apparently a low level mage with high stats in archery. So, maybe I picked up a few more hidden talents."
"Up here, you morons!"
What the fuck am I looking at here...?
By the power of feel good happy time, May transforms back to her former non-crushed head self.
"The power of Chopin works in mysterious ways. At last we can be together, again..."
"How the heck does everyone know my name?!"
"It's in the script."
"We're freakin' ghosts, deal with it!"
"Psst. You know that tart?"
"Never seen her in my life."
In a tragic turn of events, that scene was so unfuckingbelievably cheesy, Alyssa undergoes a severe brain hemorrhage.
She is dead before she hits the ground.
It was all...
Just a horribly, horribly retarded dream...
So ends Stage One of the game...
Tune in to the next exciting episode for:
Not to be featured:
A clock tower.
Sledgehammer Boss Intro
Magic Girl Sequence
Sledgehammer's Defeat Cutscene
Chapter Finale Cutscene
Sledgehammer's Scrapped Second Phase Transformation: