Part 1: Introduction: Woke up Dead
Credit where credit's due.
Published by GT entertainment, developed by Perfect Entertainment for the PC and Teeny-Weenie games for the Playstation (weirdly enough)
And that gets us to the title screen. Let's JUMP RIGHT IN!
Awesome intro movie!
Or, for the movie-challenged:
Orphrey and Euripus. It depends who you talk to, really).
Suffice it to say that being the goddess of Misunderstanding she wasn't especially popular and it didn't take much to prevent her from being invited to weddings, which didn't please Errata at all, and so she devised a cunning plan to take vengeance.
She got Neoldian, Blacksmith of the gods, to make a golden falchion and told him to engrave on the blade of the sword, "For the strongest."
The resulting fight between almost eighty War gods would have ruined the wedding had Neoldian not inadvertently engraved,
LAGUNCULAE LEYDIANAE NON ACCEDUNT
(which roughly translates to "Batteries not included")
Fortunately for Errata, an argument broke out between Patina, goddess of Wisdom (who claimed the sword was a subtly observed metaphor for the hopelessness of existence), and Cephut, god of Cutlery (who claimed it was a big knife). The argument went on for so long that a passing dog managed to borrow the falchion and go on a short quest, returning as the god of Canines and Unlikely Subplots in Legends before anyone noticed.
In the end, it became so heated that Astoria, goddess of love, bribed Rhome of Tsort (or Ephebe. Or no fixed abode) to steal the falchion and hide it just to shut her sister up. In return Astoria gave Elenor to Rhome (even though she wasn't hers to give, which was typical of the gods) and the resulting extra-marital confusion blew up into the Tsortean Wars.
In the carnage that followed, the Tsortean Falchion was lost, perhaps forever...
We open with a rousing legend, and a tale of a lost sword! But being the genre-savvy goons we are, we know immediately that the sword ISN'T lost forever. It'll probably turn up in some warehouse or temple, or...
Or ok, we could go to an aerial view of a trenchcoated figure! Probably some disaffected loner, stumbling or rambling home from a den of iniquity.
It becomes clear very quickly that instead of just an aerial view, we were watching that figure from a high perch. And we are now leaping after that figure, at a quite disconcerting rate of speed. We are pretty awesome, just judging based on our momentum and speed.
And based on how quickly this chump runs from us. He tears down the alley as fast as his feet can take him and throws himself up the fence at the end. I marked him with a circle, for ease of identification!
We give VERY quick chase (on a straightaway, there's no competition. We'd run this guy down in a matter of seconds). Apparently, he dropped a sword before vaulting the fence.
Penny prize for guessing which particular sword this is - now the only question is why did this guy have it, and what are we going to do, now that we have it?
Well, one thing we KEEP doing is hauling as fast as we can after the runner. So we weren't just after the sword!
He (and I'll admit, I'm just assuming it's a he) is always juuuust out of reach, taking quick turns and using ladders to evade us. But we're so fast it's hard to image we won't catch him soon!
He throws barrels at us, which trips us up for like half a second. He is seriously going to have to do better.
It seems like we've got him up against a dead end...
But he manages to get the gate open, then closes and locks it on us! ARGH.
Hilariously, we are just having NONE of that, and go full-on cheat mode. We jump to the top of the fence, perching on it. That's easily a seven-foot vertical leap. We are clearly something other than human. Or everybody is a gnome, so the perspective is off, and that was easily a five-foot vertical leap, and we are something other than gnome!
Finding the next gate locked, the mysterious figure who you totally can't tell is the main character based off of the costume design or box art takes a hard left. Our claws are almost on him! Go team claws!
But when the beast takes the hard left, we're gone. Yes, I've switched identifying with the pursuer to the pursued. I'm done with team claws! Go team wily trenchcoat!
The beast opts for high ground, and scales a wall.
Ehhhh. I was pretty bullish about our chances of getting away a few minutes ago, but now that the monster's got a good vantage point and we're in the open...
Is it too late to change back to team monster?
Oh. I... guess it is.
Rest in peace, you adequate but not inspired running son-of-a-gun.
Whoever you were.
Our blood, of course, gives birth to the moon. The Ankh-Morporkian creator myth!
We pan out to buildings...
Oh wait no, this is the hard-boiled intro narrative, not the creation myth!
Management would like to apologize for the error.
The buildings were church(es?), and this is a graveyard. Settle in for the first of many EXTREMELY HARD-BOILED DIALOGUES. Take it easy. Make sure you're sitting down and getting lots of water. This isn't for everybody.
I would highly recommend listening to the voices - I'll try to get some video clips (FRAPS is having a lot of trouble record this based on the setup I have right now, especially voices, but the voice acting is so superb. I'll change this once I get a good voice acting clip. Until then, This video starting at about 2:05 is where we are. Don't watch ahead!)
- I've had some bad days since I started work as a private investigator, but I've never woken up dead before.
- It all started the week before, on a cold and wet Sektober day in Ankh-Morpork, the oldest and most depraved of all the cities on the Discworld, but, hey, you've got to love it.
You know, I don't even mind the flashback intro here. The voice acting is THAT GOOD.
After a flash of lightning, we're taken to...
A row of buildings, where a caped, booted, and gloved figure approaches.
- I'd been working as a PI for a little over a month, and business was slow. Hiring an investigator to look into your business requires trust, and the amount of trust in Ankh-Morpork wouldn't fill a cup.
And it's a small cup I'm talking about.
- Sure, people trust that you don't get on the wrong side of the Patrician. They trust that you don't walk into the Shades alone. People trust that the Assassin's Guild will fulfill your contract or double your money back.
- Yeah, people even trust death. Just don't ask them to trust their mothers.
And with that bit of sage advice, we're catapulted right into act 1!
Join me next time, as we figure out who we are, who that figure approaching the building is, what our case is, the meaning of life, and if we can get any coffee from the imp-powered infernal coffee machine in our office!