Part 153: Hinnom - Turn 53
I. The frogs believe in King Hippomnomnomnom and reject other interpretations regarding the Pantokrator.
II. The frogs believe that the nature of Rephaim is sinful and full of lust. The Rephaim are redeemed through their belief in King Hippomnomnomnom, their participation in the holy sacrament and the continuous sporting of the [~34t*N0MN0MN0M*Ph4tt1z~] tag at all amateur and professional gaming events.
III. The frogs believe in the incarnation which means that the Grigori are jerks and left King Hippomnomnomnom and his mom all alone when King Hippomnomnomnom was little and that's messed up dude. You don't do that to a kid, and don't even think about coming crawling back now that King Hippomnomnomnom is a rich and powerful deity and the one true Pantokrator.
IV. The Rephaim cannot be reconciled with the Grigori because the Grigori were good-for-nothing jerks who never cared. The Rephaim are wholly reliant on King Hippomnomnomnom for their reconciliation with the Pantokrator which is cool because King Hippomnomnomnom is the Pantokrator.
V. To see the gospel of King Hippomnomnomnom established over the world, the Rephaim have established temples where they sacrifice hot babes. This is pretty dumb because, duh, hot babes, but Rephaim are stupid giants and the frogs are the best of King Hippomnomnomnom's peoples.
VI. Mountain Dew Code Red, Cheetos brand Cheetos, Hostess brand Twinkies, the Cheesy Gordita Crunch and Red Baron brand pepperoni pizza are the fruits of faith in King Hippomnomnomnom.
VII. There is only one true faith and it is represented on the map by the white candles because white is the color of ranch dressing.
VIII. Blood slaves that get sacrificed by dirty undersea fathers still generate candles even though the frogs are the one true amphibious people of King Hippomnomnomnom.
IX. The sporting of the [~34t*N0MN0MN0M*Ph4tt1z~] tag is necessary for salvation and children shall append <<>>nUbl3tz<<>> to their tag.
X. The frogs believe that King Hinnomnomnomnom's divinity suffuses the ranch dressing and Mt. Dew that is the sacrament and reject those that teach otherwise.
XI. Frogs believe that private ablutions should not be done in churches because dude, that is sacred ranch dressing not bath water.
XII. Repentance comes in two parts: saying sorry and buying your buddy a sixer of code red. A frog can never be free from team killing, nor corpse camping.
XIII. The tears of pubbies are physical manifestations of King Hippomnomnomnom's love.
XIV. Frogs only allow those who are cool to receive the sacraments and wear the holy tag unless they are really good or are someone's little brother or sister.
- an excerpt from the Frogsburg Confession, as agreed upon by the Electors of The Marsh of Ethereal Frogs.
This turn is when I expect Lilli to strike back and there should be a bit of grinding before she retreats to protect her heartland from Arcoscephale, Pan and Sauromatia. Trade with Schneeble at very favorable rates (for him) continues, someone casts a new global and there are a lot of battles.
Two other things of note from this screen: what the hell happened to Ornias, and why am I seeing Arcoscephale flags in my messages?
This isn't much of a surprise. Pan is getting at least 16 N gems a turn just from their cap income and mother oak, and irony or death has already completed the construction of a massive summer palace made entirely of nature gems. Gift of health is a very helpful global that heals afflictions and increases hp in friendly dominion. It is one of the classic counters to burden of time as it heals all the afflictions your mages get from being old and it is one of two non-replicable ways to heal your tartarians of afflictions in the vanilla game. It does have one negative side effect which is that it stops fever fetishes (gem gen that diseases the wearer, then provides 1 fire gem/turn) by curing the disease.
I am now officially tearing through research. Just a few more turns and I will be able to start turning out Cyclops, a beefy chassis that we'll look at when I get to conjuration 8.
Old Man Mountains is where Ornias and his side kick what do you mean "we" teleported. Ornias was geared up with Aegis and all manner of other equipment and we saw what happened to all those bane lords and Zmey last turn. So what happened here?
The poor subjugated people of Fom throng before a stage with two podiums draped in banners. The hammering rain of the storm is no deterrent. Glowering priest kings wait uneasily at their podium. They have heard of the fate that befell their brethren and, with dead, they fear making spurious arguments in favor of morally repugnant positions more than they fear a dead pretender to King Hippomnomnomnom's throne. With a nod to his colleagues, one steps to the microphone and clears his throat. He raises his arm and points at the horizon "holy shit is that a pink elephant?!" As the crowd turns to look, both priest kings run the other way as fast as they can. Minutes later, :Zero Emissions: soars through the storm clouds, prepared to bring the righteous truth to another pair of infidels and the power of King Hippomnomnomnom's word to yet another grateful populace. When he finds his debating opponents fled, he settles in for a leisurely chat, covering the crowd with vast iron wings and dispensing hot cocoa and balloons to the children from a port in his belly.
This is a new battle message and it means that Lilli has researched blood 9. Blood is widely considered one of the best anti-SC schools and two spells are largely responsible for that. Infernal Prison and Claws of Kokytos. These send a single target to hell (hot and cold versions respectively) and can not be resisted. If the target was a troop it instantly dies. If a commander, then each turn the target has a chance of getting attacked by various underworld denizens. If the target survives it then has a chance to escape. I hadn't seen any High Priests of the Sun (Lilli's mages who can cast Infernal Prison) in Old Man Mountains, but scouting reports are not the most reliable things. So Ornias must have been banished to the inferno, where he was attacked by 47 imps. Solid plan imps, very solid.
Ornias is a stone cold badass and it's going to take more than a little thing like being banished to hell to keep him from fighting for King Hippomnomnomnom. He cracks some foolish imp skulls and says hi to his pops Ezekiel ("Hey pops, eternal torment still got you down?" "Nah, it ain't so bad son. At least we still get three square and a bed down here." "Cool, see you later." "Say hi to your mama for me." "Come on pops, why you gotta bring that up again?" "If she's around, that's all." "You know you got to get right with King Hippomnomnomonom first. I'll see you later pops." "I'll be seeing you son. Nice new threads.") before heading back up.
In reviews of the footage of the banishment, certain conspiracy theorists have suggested that King Hippomnomnomnom staged the entire thing to justify sending Ornias on a raid deep into Mictlan's territory. Those conspiracy theorists were never seen again.
R.I.P. KING HIPPO JR... I thought this was funny because KING HIPPO JR is now relaxing in the lab in Histyra. So while he's dead it's not quite as bad as all that. Still, I'll need to think about what to use for my next prophet.
Arcoscephale, what are you doing attacking me? You cannot use this province, you are not even a nation anymore.
This is a classic Mictlan move: using a small group of sacreds and a Mictlan priest to raid or counter raid. It is wonderful and is one of the things that makes Mictlan so good. A small group of jaguars continues to be a cheap, useful tool forever. It's also important to note that if you're being raided you don't have to send SCs or even thugs to take back what you're losing. I've used separately an indie commander and three cavemen, a Kohen and five dust warriors and an ungeared Ba'al and ten dust warriors and Lilli is using a group of ten jaguar warriors. What's important is responding quickly, and small forces like this really help you respond across a broad front.
Winter Peaks is the province next to Dexanth's cap that has Shadow Seers and it has great gem income. But it's a province that, last turn, belonged to the liberating forces of King Hippomnomnomnom. Why would Dexanth attack me instead of the player that embarrassed him with the turkey duel and destroyed him in two turns with the Zmeywaffe? Perhaps having half his face blown off in a freak Zmey fire accident really has driven him mad!
My stabbing robots continue to march through Mictlan's territory unopposed and I discover an interesting game mechanic. Landing on this fortress has restored them both to full health. Mechanical giants have a tag that means they only heal if they're in a province with a lab. I'd always assumed this meant a friendly lab, but the Mictlan scientists running the lab at Boddern Weald helpfully repaired the walking murder machines outside their walls. Apparently dom3 only checks to see whether there is a lab in the province at all and does not distinguish between friendly labs and enemy labs.
And stay out!
Sadly I lose one of my cavemen. Happily, they still conquer the province.
In Cacian Forest I've recaptured most of the provinces surrounding Hinnom. While the scars from the Zmeywaffe will never fade entirely, the land has already begun to heal and once more birds grow and flowers sing and etc.
Ozelotl. I need to figure out how to deal with them.
King Hippomnomnomnom's forces continue to reclaim their homeland.
Province by province.
But the Zmeywaffe casts a long shadow and it may be months yet before Hinnom is entirely free.
Maybe even years.
Particularly if I can't figure out how to get rid of these damn Ozelotl!
Here is a closer look at what Lilli brought to Old Man Mountains. Let's zoom in a little shall we?
This is a lot of commanders and troops and lions and tigers and bears. We already knew she had 15 (!) commanders there from the initial report, but it's interesting to know what kind too.
She brought Shadow Seers prepped for magic duel (poor Savnok, such is the price of fame).
Magoth the arch-devil, a blood unique that hasn't yet gotten the Awesome treatment (but, along with the other arch devils and the ice devils, needs it).
Chalmecfucjthisname, the tlahuelpuchi. Tlahuelpuchi are one of my favorite summons in the game. They're flying, assassin blood mages and they open death access for Mictlan. Because they're blood mages with B2 they also make fantastic assassins. Blood has a couple spells, leech which does 25 irresistible damage and life for a life which does 35 (25 + 5 x blood level) irresistible damage that round out the "fuck off and die SC" repertoire. Tlahuelpuchi can cast both and so can assassinate the crap out of wussy non-giant mages. Even a Melqart would be hard pressed to stick around after a couple of leeches. I will have to be very careful to make sure that none of my precious mages in Histyra get assassinated. Of course, one nice thing about being besieged is that you can't be targeted for assassination. So I've got that going for me in Histyra.
Here is our first look at an Ozelotl. These are the bread and butter Mictlan summon. Lilli must have summoned these 14 this turn. That's not good.
This is where those Ozelotl came from.
It's interesting that Lilli brought this guy too. He's probably the mage she empowered to forge blood boosters.
Nine giant pixel dicks, all in a row. Read 'em and weep gents, read 'em and weep.
Don't be so jealous B4, I'm sure you'll have your day in the sun.
Here is the Inferno. It's lovely this time of year if you're sporting 100% fire resistance like Ornias.
Goodbye imps. Those 900+ damage numbers are from Aegis and are what happen mechanically when you get petrified. Theoretically, something could survive being petrified. But not imps.
Hello brave new peoples of the world.
I shall call your land New Hinnom.
Goodbye brave new peoples of the world. You are kind of jerks and King Hippomnomnomnom will enjoy his new statue garden.
Here is a look at METAPHORICAL DHARMA VAN coming up against a bane lord south of the construction site. Because bane lords are undead but are not mindless, astral shield still works on them. METAPHORICAL DHARMA VAN is also wearing the magic hat that shoots lightning bolts.
Some people think they can outsmart METAPHORICAL DHARMA VAN. Maybe... Maybe. I've yet to meet one that can outsmart lightning bolt.
Here is a quick look at the force Lilli brought back to the construction site. It's interesting to note that the shadow seer doesn't have any pearls to cast magic duel so he's here entirely to prevent mind hunts I guess?
This is the battle in Typhian Sea. ATREEEEEYYYUUUUUUUU moved here to go raid Mictlan in the north. Dexanth ported a shishi, perhaps hoping that he could easily take my pond and use it as an economic base from which to rebuild. Unfortunately my iron dragon is trampling the shishi and trample sucks against high defense. So the shishi regenerates the few lost hp from trample each turn and eventually wears down and kills the iron dragon even though if ATREEEEYYYUUUU were just to punch the shishi it would immediately. The lesson is that trample is terrible for killing thugs and SCs (and high defense troops).
Here is our first look at a shishi. They are one of two Awesome Endgame air summons. They come in pairs. This one is a girl.
R.I.P. little iron dragon, R.I.P.
This pair of shishi invaded the province next to Dexanth/Arcoscephale's cap.
Here you can see I'm continuing to clean up the homeland. I'm concerned, but not overly so, about Lilli moving to take it back. Her resources are somewhat limited and I've shown I can deal with her raiders fairly effectively. Still, there is a small item discussed below about which I am somewhat more concerned.
Ornias heads north with :Zero Emissions: hot on his heels, they plan to meet up with my stabbing robots and then see about an incredible journey home. It will be a great coming of age story. Like Kerouac but with a giant mechanical dragon that runs on dreams instead of misogyny. I've already sold the movie rights.
UNLEASH THE KRAKEN!
I've always wanted to say that. I bet you never would have guessed. Even without amulet of the fish, kraken still give me absolutely unrivaled sea power. Right now I am like Great Britain in 1890 and Dexanth is like a bunch of Hawaiians in outrigger canoes.
I am forging an Air booster (the bag of winds) for irony or death, more blood stones for myself and have begun summoning mechanical men. Mechanical men are like miniature mechanical giants and I wish Lilli the best of luck getting her Ozelotl through a gate clogged with quickened, weapons of sharpnessed mechanical men while my Ba'als rain fire on her and my sea fathers rain cleansing water (that's one of the current plans if she attacks Histyra with her Ozelotl. I can summon a lot of mechanical men a turn and I'll get one turn warning before she storms.)
AN ISLAND BEARD is teleporting north of the fort with all the Ozelotl. He's there to get KEVLAR MAGNUM FURY and fighting webfoots out.
Their only hope is to make a break for it.
Run little giant, run!
After a grand assembly at which the frog Electors of The Marsh of Ethereal Frogs, long some of King Hippomnomnomnom's most fervent worshippers, publicly read their confession to Mictlan's Governor-General, they lead their people in armed revolt! You can also see I'm moving my two mechanical giants off Lilli's fort and putting a scout in their place. This is a fairly common ploy but it still works frequently.
Blood stones: 69
Cost: 322E, 516 slaves
Gems Generated: 603
Oh. Hi. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO!
Did you like that trick with the Aegis? Pretty good, right?
I can't believe you got a construction site and a blood site! That is such bullshit!
Uh, dude, what? I haven't even searched any blood. What are you talking about?
Uh, nothing. No tricks. This potato
Uh, dude, what's wrong with you? You should be attacking Lilli. She's the one that messed up your face, not me.
You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
It doesn't have to be like this dude. We don't have to have the Ewoks. I'm sorry Rainbow Dash died dude.
No you're not. Not yet.
Dude, you can still survive from this. Maybe your chances are bad, but you can take some territory from Lilli. You still have a ton of research. You can be a late game player. You can still escape.
You think I want to escape from this? There is no escape from this!
So, uh, dude, I know you're a potato and all but did you get Dexanth to swear fealty to you even though you straight murdered Rainbow Dash and took all his stuff?
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him. But yes, why do you ask?