Part 154: Hinnom - Turn 54
In the beginning, the Pantokrator created MUDS and usenet groups.
And the internet was without form, and void; and geocities was the face of the net. And the Spirit of King Hippomnomnomnom moved upon the face of the web.
And King Hippomnomnomnom said, Let there be Everquest: and there was raiding.
And King Hippomnomnomnom saw the Internet drama engendered by guilds and raiding, that it was good: and King Hippomnomnomnom divided the Everquest from the Counterstrike.
And King Hippomnomnomnom called the Everquest MMORPG, and the auto-shotgun he called noob-cannon. And the FPS and the poopsock were the first day of the LAN party.
And King Hippomnomnomnom said, Let there be a StarCraft in the midst of the Internet, and let it divide the Koreans from the Americans.
And King Hippomnomnomnom made the zerg-rush, and divided the RTS which were played on battle.net from the MMORPG which were played on persistent servers with constant downtime: and it was so and both were terrible.
And King Hippomnomnomnom called the Internet Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day of the LAN party.
And King Hippomnomnomnom said, Let the dew under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the beef jerky and Cheetos appear: and it was so.
And King Hippomnomnomnom called the beef jerky and Cheetos "snacks"; and the gathering together of the dew called the mini fridge: and King Hippomnomnomnom saw that it was good.
And King Hippomnomnomnom said, Let the shady dude we knew who dropped out of junior high and always smells a little like cat pee bring forth grass, the herb yielding chill times, and let mom bring forth the hot pockets until the pizza delivery guy gets here because he is slow and we would order from somewhere else but dude, it is the only place in town that offers buy one get one free king size meat lovers and we are a little short on cash after springing for these sweet LCD lights for my case: and it was so.
And then the delivery guy came and brought forth the pizza, and that dude came through with herb yielding kind buzzes, and the mini fridge was full of dew yielding refreshment, whose caffeine content was high and kept everyone awake for beating Diablo II on hell mode with a party of leaping barbarians: and King Hippomnomnomnom saw that it was good.
And the evening and the morning were the third day of the LAN party.
And King Hippomnomnomnom said, Let there be development cycles in the firmament of the Internet to divide the noobs from the cognoscenti with Voodoo2 cards; and let them be for dollar bills, and require upgrades for seasons, and for days, and if you really need to stretch your dollar you can turn particle effects off and run everything in lowest settings and get by for years:
And let them incorporate LCD lights in the cases of the gamers to give light upon the basement of their mothers and to make their PCs run faster: and it was so.
And King Hippomnomnomnom made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day which was fearsome and burned the tender skin, and the lesser light to rule the night which was gentle and soothing and made for gaming: he made the stars also but they cannot be viewed from a basement.
And King Hippomnomnomnom set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the time for sleeping from the time for gaming: and King Hippomnomnomnom saw that it was good.
And the evening and the morning were the fourth day of the LAN party.
And King Hippomnomnomnom said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the most terrifying of creatures who have no purpose other than to bring pain and death to that which hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth before being made into tiny deep fried nuggets of chicken for when you do not want Taco Bell or a burger.
And King Hippomnomnomnom created great whales that tons of fun jokes might be made and a comparison might be provided for the fattest among us, and every living creature that moveth and had giant teeth or stingers or was made of poison, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every flying McNugget after his kind: and King Hippomnomnomnom saw that it was good.
And King Hippomnomnomnom blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let McDonalds multiply in the earth.
And the evening and the morning were the fifth day of the LAN party.
And King Hippomnomnomnom said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle for cheeseburgers, and wasps and huntsman spiders to provide an eternal enemy to humankind that we might be uplifted in our opposition, and a special magical pig of the earth out of which bacon, and sausage and pork came after his kind: and it was so.
And King Hippomnomnomnom made the rusting Datsun that is at least a set of wheels and if you're going to complain maybe you should walk, and a 1982 Cadillac that you inherited from your grandma after she crashed it into that school bus after she had been drinking and it kind of smells funny but at least you finally have a rig, and every body else has a cooler car but whatever man yours is retro and has style and anyway it doesn't matter because someday you're going to get the fuck out of this shithole and then everyone will see: and King Hippomnomnomnom saw that it was good.
And King Hippomnomnomnom said, Let us make goons in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the tears of the pubbies of all games, and over the photoshop threads, and over the production of beef Wellington in the filthy kitchen of a 12x8 apartment, and over all the Internet, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Internet.
So King Hippomnomnomnom created goons in his own image, in the image of King Hippomnomnomnom created he him; male and female created he them.
And King Hippomnomnomnom blessed them, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the Internet, and subdue it: and have dominion over the games of shooting, and over the games of strategy, and over every living thing that posteth upon the Internet.
And King Hippomnomnomnom said, Behold, I have given you every forum bearing hilarity and good times and also drama, which is upon the face of all the Internet, and every other site, which has splintered off and is yielding weirdos; to you it shall be for trolling.
And to every hambeast of the forums, and to every social shut-in living at home in their mom's basement, and to every creep that creepeth upon the Internet, wherein there is some really fucked up shit, I have given video games for playing: and it was so.
And King Hippomnomnomnom saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very serious business. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day of the LAN party.
Thus the Internet and the video games were finished, and all the servers that hosted them.
And on the seventh day King Hippomnomnomnom ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
And King Hippomnomnomnom blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from owning everyone at the LAN party in every game because he was the best and everyone gave him respect for his skill at video games and was his friend and watched his mad skills and listened to all the protips and really liked the world which King Hippomnomnomnom created and made.
- the creation of the world, as laid down in the first book of King Hippomnomnomnom's sacred writings.
The kraken have been unleashed on Arcoscephale, and my plan to kick Lilli out of Hinnom for good is slowly taking shape, but while it does our skirmishes will continue. Currently there are two alternative plans: (i) tons of mechanical men and giants cutting everything with weapons of sharpness while Ba'als fling fire and death, Ornias kills everyone that looks at him with Aegis and heat from hell makes everything not fire immune (all my guys are 100% f immune) tired and (ii) Ba'als and Cyclops spamming earthquake. I did some testing (hush, stop with that laughter) on earthquake and ten earthquakes will kill infinity ozelotl without killing any ba'als or cyclops, but it's also significantly riskier than four or five mages backing up what's essentially an infinite resource for me at this point in the E gems that mechanical men represent. I still don't know whether or not Lilli is fucking with me about the blood site, but I am very concerned. I know she has blood 9 and in only a few turns she can bring the blood elemental royalty Father Illearth, demon lords who got some serious awesome poured on them in AE, a ton of ozelotl and other demons into play. On the other hand, I'm doing a decent job raiding with :Zero Emissions: and have another iron dragon, Anything can do, sent to start raiding this turn as well and that should provide a serious crimp in her supply of blood slaves. Add to that, Schneeble and irony or death seem to be making decent progress and I don't think she'll burn herself out on a suicide attack on me when she can pull back a little and defend against the three of us until we turn on each other.
You can see a few castings of mechanical men going. Once I decide on a course I'll either cast that a lot more or stop entirely, but as it is those will be used to guard my Melqarts to protect against assassination attempts from tlahuelpuchi.
WALKING GEICO AD brings back PIMP ROBES, blood hunting is still at zero (something to watch as I start to run low on blood slaves and may not be able to forge any more blood stones) and as always there are the battles. It's worth noting that we're into end game here, where wars are fought on long fronts (or, as is the case here, literally everywhere) and a player has to respond to many threats all at once while still planning several moves into the future. Here, I have to fight lilli while beginning to plan how to fight either Sauromatia or Pan or both (if the blood site is really a thing they will be hard pressed not to gang up on me).
I hit conjuration six and can start summoning Zmey of my own. I disagree with Lilli about how useful they are without flying. They're still big beefy three-headed dragons that hit like trucks. I will be summoning a few to help kill ozelotl and to potentially raid later on if Perpetual Storm is dispelled.
The shishi must have fled before the kraken got to do any real damage. At least now Dexanth knows not to fuck with my ocean!
In Fom, METAPHORICAL DHARMA VAN got assassinated by a magic dueling Shadow Seer squad who then fled.
The City of Ethereal Citizens is taken by AN ISLAND BEARD. Everyone grows them. It's a fact and the citizens of The City of Ethereal Citizens are no different.
A renegade wizard gets what he deserves for supporting Mictlan with horrible inhumane experiments and King Hippomnomnomnom gets a lab in a lovely blood hunting province north of Hinnom. He will retire there in summers to frolic and work on his autobiography.
After clearing out Fom with magic duel, Lilli sends in the Zmeywaffe. This is both good and bad. It is bad because METAPHORICAL DHARMA VAN left us too soon, but it is good because it shows that Lilli doesn't think her Zmeywaffe can take on kitted giants.
Even with their numbers more than halved, the Zmeywaffe is the most powerful air force on the planet.
In Pania, KEVLAR MAGNUM FURY and fighting webfoots make a break for it. fighting webfoots is hit in the back and KEVLAR MAGNUM FURY turns back to cradle his friend's tiny head in his hands. With one of his last rattling breaths, fighting webfoots gasps out "go on, without me" and KEVLAR MAGNUM FURY turns to run, his eyes blinded by tears. He will have his revenge. Some day Ozelotl, some day.
In Dragon Pointe, :Zero Emission:'s first disciple nervously prepares backstage for his debate. Anything can do remembers well the principles of rhetoric he learned at :Zero Emission:'s magnificent talons and he hopes to put them to good use in his first clash with the despicable mendacity of the Mictlan priesthood... After the debate, Anything can do basks in the glow of victory. He shattered the forces of the priesthood and drove off their trolls. He had a few nicks, but what iron dragon didn't acquire a few scratches in the service of King Hippomnomnomnom and truth?
Laerian Swamps welcomes the dust warriors with open arms, but the liberating warriors cannot stay overlong as the dank swamp makes them mildew.
The raiding and counter raiding never stops. These are blood hunters moving in after Ornias leaves. I hope they like the statue garden!
Stabbing robots made of knives and bile: 1, jaguar warriors and Mictlan PD: 0.
:Zero Emissions: pauses to take a moment out of his busy schedule speaking truth to Mictlan to send a telegram to Anything can do. "CONGRATS. STOP. V. PROUD. STOP. SEE YOU IN HOF SOON. STOP." :Zero Emissions: knows that it is important to maintain a strong mentoring program in any organization and that the promotion of internal talent provides a significant incentive to the remainder of the workforce.
Arcoscephale's shishi continue to scoop up the provinces :Zero Emissions: liberated from Mictlan. Back in Hinnom, King Hippomnomnomnom's scientists are hard at work preparing a response. Hint: it will be death.
An escape route is created for Ornias! Come home to papa!
Stabbing robots made of knives and bile: 2, Mictlan PD: 0.
That group of ten jaguar warriors continues to be an effective raiding presence.
Remember when there used to be 20 battle messages and only two involved me? Those were the days.
"Anything can do, if you were on Mictlan's side I would put poison in your tea." snarled the troll.
"My dear, if I were on Mictlan's side, I would drink it." replied Anything can do smartly as he crushed the priests and their legion of imps.
The troll could do little other than stand there, mouth agape at Anything can do's bon mot.
As the Mictlan junior debate team fled in shame, Anything can do couldn't resist hurling a parting shot after them. "Then I would crush your feeble kingdom beneath my vast iron body as I am loyal to my maker, King Hippomnomnomnom, and also entirely immune to poison. Maybe next time you should think about that before saying something stupid."
Ornias's voyage home promised to be long and difficult until he stumbled upon a hidden lab. He had been walking through Mictlan when the faint sound of screaming and a hint of blood on the air made him stop. While the trail might have been hidden from any human passersby, Ornias was the Son of Ezekiel and towered over the trees themselves. With three swift he strides he burst into a clearing where wizened Mictlan priests bent over horrible vats full of screaming virgins and mewling jaguar kittens. Ornias's wrath was terrible to behold and when he was done, all that remained of the experiments were a few stray pieces of lightning scorched priest king and a fully functioning lab. With this lab, Ornias would swing up into the clouds and across the world back to Histyra where he would concoct such a return for the atrocities of Mictlan as the world had never seen. The sole survivor of the cleansing, a newly inducted Mictlan priest who had been out gathering poison frogs, saw everything from his hiding spot in the underbrush. When it was over he fled back to Mictlan where his amazing story brought news to the world of another hero.
Ornias now has Iron Will, one of the best (if not the best) SC heroic abilities. It gives him an initial 2 MR and will slowly give him more and more MR over time. Equally importantly, now that he's in the hall of fame I can bring him back as a mummy if he dies and I won't lose his high level air and blood access.
Right now the ability is the equivalent of an extra starshine skullcap, but over time it will increase. It's great to have extra MR on an SC because there are so many save or die type spells that target magic resistance.
In Muspel, you can see a couple of things. The first is Ten Thousand Things, the site. It provides one of each gem type a turn and is one of the best sites in the game. The other is the sailing effect I described earlier with perpetual storm. Muspel is not connected to the province BEEP BOOP I AM A STABBING ROBOT is attacking but he is able to "sail" over the intervening friendly territory. :Zero Emissions: goes to land on that Mictlan fort, hopefully trapping any defenders breaking siege against a scout. And Ornias cloud trapezes back to Histyra.
Back in Hinnom, I have another 50 ozelotl to deal with. All my counter raiders break up and go to blood hunt again.
In Histyra, we're scraping the bottom of the barrel for slaves to forge blood stones while WALKING GEICO AD brings back PIMP ROBES. CHAMPAGNE OF DROPKICKS is teleporting onto the shadow seer province next to Dexanth's cap to deny Dexanth that gem income and to cut off his shishi's retreat. And finally, vincent=bestcharacter summons a Zmey of my very own.
The Ruby Eye is the only water gemgen in the game. It permanently gives a commander the "lost an eye" affliction and can not be removed and in exchange it gives you two W gems a turn and boosts fire magic by one level.
I'm also forging these this turn. These are one of the two best feet slot items in the game. They make Phoenix Pyre (a spell that adds fatigue and makes your commander explode in flames and reappear elsewhere on the battlefield when he dies and keeps working as long as you're under 100 fatigue) absolutely fantastic.
Oh, that? Just my kraken with six native levels of earth magic. No big deal.
:Zero Emissions: is finally recognized as a greater hero than and progress grinds inexorably onward. Oh, hi Peak Theorycrafting. How's it go.. Oh. Oh, nevermind.
Here you can see mechanical men guarding the Rephaim and the scripts I've given them to defend against tlahuelpuchi.
Blood stones: 74
Cost: 342E, 556 slaves
Gems Generated: 672