Part 158: Hinnom - Turn 58
And it came to pass that I, UNLEASH THE KRAKEN, did tear apart the feeble ship of Nephi and eat him and Jacob and all the other dudes on the ship and then I saw they had a treasure map and a fish amulet so I reconstructed the ship using common under-sea building materials like sponge, cod and discarded urchin spines, and I set off towards their promised land.
And it came to pass that after me and my other kraken buddies and my pet barracuda Chompy had sailed for the space of many days that our ship sprung a leak because cod-based ships are basically a pipe-dream even though they're far more environmentally friendly but that's what you get for listening to a giant metal dragon about ship building. :Zero Emissions: has a silver tongue but that fucker doesn't know his snout from his tail when it comes to ship building. Then we swam the rest of the way to their apromised land; and we went forth upon the land and ate some natives as a snack and found some all-natural free range turkeys for Chompy, and did pitch our tents if you know what I mean because GOD DAMN BABYDOLL those Garnet Amazons are smoking; and we did call it the promised land. Really I'm not sure why. It's not like anyone actually promised us this land. We just took a map from some jackass who was sailing over the spot on the map marked "here be KRAKEN." It's not like he didn't know what was coming.
And it came to pass that we did begin to build some forts so that Chompy could have a nice moat to swim around in, and we began to plant our giant kraken tentacles in local villages and find some virgins and send them over to King Hippomnomnomnom and also take some gems from the locals who are a bunch of chucklefucks and don't know what to do with gems; yea, we did take all their gems, which we used to call a couple of buddies over from the land of Jerusalem. And it came to pass that they came right over and brought some taco bell and a couple of forties and we played forty-hands and did grow exceedingly drunk because we are KRAKEN and have eight fucking arms; wherefore, we were hammered and having good times in abundance.
And it came to pass that we did find upon the land of T'ien Ch'i and Mictlan and Pangaea and Sauromatia but not Arcoscephale or Lanka because those lands were tiny and not worth our time, as we journeyed in the wilderness, that there were abeasts in the forests of every kind like flying jaguar demons and demons of the rivers and goat men and tarrasque, both the jaguar warrior and the storm demon, and the maenad of which there were like ten billion and where the fuck do they all come from could we somehow make soylent green out of maenads and solve the Rephaite hunger crisis and the cannibal riding a giant lizard who summons forth skeletons from the earth, and the vampire queen and the giant four armed bringer of death and astral domination, and all manner of wild animals, which were for us to eat and smash and destroy and rain lightning and fire and ice and death upon them and to also take their gems. And we did find all manner of bore, both of gold, and of more gold, and of gold because that is literally the only thing that we use for money here. Fuck what were you expecting? Even silver mines produce gold.
UNLEASH THE KRAKEN 1 18:23-34
If King Hippomnomnomnom likes a girl and she likes him or is nice to him or looks at him or they once had a class together or they have a mutual friend or she is the barista at starbucks or the cashier at the BULK RANCH DRESSING DISCOUNT SUPERSTORE, and King Hippomnomnomnom sees another cute girl, and the first give her consent or is not around or has been ignoring King Hippomnomnomnom in favor of that jerk, and if he thinks about talking to the second, and she does not blow him off or she does and it is in a sassy way that means maybe she secretly likes him, then is he justified; because, dude, two chicks at the same time was in that movie and also he is the Pantokrator and he saw those girls first and you know he really needs this man; and really anyway as Pantokrator the whole world belongs to him anyway doesn't it?. And so what if King Hippomnomnomnom likes the ten best girls, he, like really needs this man and didn't you see the way that last one was looking at him no no it's cool he's going to play it cool and not say anything to her right now he'll see her later and no shutup he's not going to go talk to her right now stop pressuring him fuck dude aren't you supposed to be friends, come on.
Doctrines and Covenants of King Hippomnomnomnom
Build up continues and magnificent Hinnom prepares to eat prepare its traitorous neighbor, T'ien Ch'i. It's nice when you're researching paths late game and get multiple "research is completed" messages in a turn. Having more research points each turn also allows you to respond to things like finding a blood discount site more quickly. Blood hunting is at 41. Remember, my goal is at least 100 per turn.
Blood 3 and 4 include a couple of spells of note. First, they have the single unit summon of all of the different troop types. Storm demons and demon knights are the best. It's a fact. Second, it has the only blood spell that doesn't require slaves to cast - Hellfire. It's still much less good than evocation evos. Third, it has Rain of Toads. Rain of Toads is up there as one of the best blood spells. Mictlan and Pan have already talked about Rain of Toads so I'll just remind you that it raises unrest by 40, can disease units and temporarily moves scales toward misfortune by two. It's great! Finally, it contains the two Hinnom only troop summons.
These are basically berserk palankasha with three attacks and no armor. They're a great unit and well worth summoning.
And these are storm demons. Also well worth summoning, although Hinnom doesn't natively get Air and Blood together so that's a pain in the ass. These spells are really neat fluff, and really terrible because you have to be in a wasteland to summon them. That's right, the lab has to be in a wasteland province to summon them. Before taking lands from Mictlan I had no wastelands and now I have no gold to build a lab in a wasteland.
My name is Kobayashi. I work for Schneeble
I got all excited when I got this message but the magic item was not good.
"Of course, that's why all moral citizens of Mictlan have installed solar panels and support King Hippomnomnomnom's use of kraken powered tidal surges as a source of alternative energy." :Zero Emissions: noted at the end of his address. The people of Mictlan burst into applause. :Zero Emissions: Was everything they'd heard he would be and more and each one will count this moment as one of the most meaningful in their entire lives. Certain traitorous elements may suggest that is because they were immediately thereafter crushed under the giant iron claws of :Zero Emissions: but that is a God damned lie!
Just Mictlan scouting Arcoscephale by sending a couple of old mages in to die.
CHAMPAGNE OF DROP KICKS and his shadow seer friend get the hell out of dodge before Barathrus arrives.
In Ardun, I take advantage of the ridiculous "sailing" mechanic created by Perpetual Storm and BEEP BOOP I AM A STABBING ROBOT and LITERALLY A ROBOT IRL begin the assault on T'ien Ch'i.
:Zero Emissions: takes a well deserved vacation to the Lake of Ethereal Water. Of course, like any true devotee he may chat just a bit with the locals about the wisdom and power of King Hippomnomnomnom.
ROCKEM! moves to reclaim Pania, while WALL-E and cool step dad both patrol to reduce the unrest fomented by the devious forces of .
Here's the kraken I got this turn. It is the best kraken because it will allow me to forge rainbow armor and it can cast rain of stones. I now have two rain of stones casters and that should be sufficient to kill an infinite number of maenads, skelespam or even ozelotl if I'm clever about it.
Look at me making a stupid mistake here. Babby's first Call Kraken is not the same as Great Kraken
WALKING GEICO AD uses the death gems from Schneeble to bring back TACO FLAVORED KISSES, the last of the great Melqarts of yesteryear. King Hippomnomnomnom may have his reasons for peace with Peak Theorycrafting's lice-ridden monkeys, but the Rephaim never forget and one day TACO FLAVORED KISSES will have his revenge. You might argue that he is already having his revenge just by forcing TheDemon to take part in an LP where one of the players named a commander "TACO FLAVORED KISSES" but I think he'll want to take a more personal role.
THIS KRAKEN ALSO HAS NO LEASH uses a ring of wizardry and a ring of sorcery to bring his death and astral to 5 each and uses the remainder of my death gems to cast King of Banefires. Of course, I now know that what I really needed was to replace the mod and cast it with D/F but at the time I thought this was just a bug and that the spell sometimes still worked. Oops?
Last, but not least, A PENIS EUPHEMISM forges the Hammer of the Forge Lord.
This thing is just wonderful. The bonus will stack with the construction site and allow me to forge rings of wizardry at (65*.5)*.8= 25 gems instead of 65. This only compounds the already significant advantage in gear forging I have because of the construction site.
Here's a look at my non-blood stone gem income. Where are all the nature gems?
And here's a look at what I have in the lab. The lanterns are in the lab because their users are busy forging and don't need to be horror marked in the meantime. Mage Bane continues to just gather dust. But it is awesome dust. Because Mage Bane is awesome.
After Incy made certain concessions in connection with his various peace treaties I've taken the lead in provinces. That's worked out well for all the prior leaders so I should be fine, right? You can see how good a job Schneeble has done flying under the radar. I don't think anyone except Incy, who's new to this game and doesn't have any preconceived notions of how everyone is doing, really thinks Schneeble is a threat to win.
loves forts. Too bad is dead.
Schneeble also leads in income. I would probably be leading but for my blood hunting, but as is it means I'm still desperately starved for gold.
Fortunately, I am not starved for gems.
You can see here that I've finally equaled Mictlan and overtaken T'ien Ch'i in research but I'm still well behind Arcoscephale. What was Dexanth researching? I have no idea, but maybe he should think about researching some Zmey counters next time. This graph is probably the single most problematic graph for Mictlan, Sauromatia and Pan. As a general rule, whenever anyone's research looks parabolic you should kill them.
This is only important insofar as it shows no one is trying for a domkill.
So. Many. Maenads. And still a ton of Ozelotl. Ugh.
Blood stones: 87
Cost: 403E, 660 slaves
Gems Generated: 995