The Let's Play Archive

Dominions 3

by Lilli et al.

Part 183: Hinnom - Turn 73

Turn 73

King Hippomnomnomnom, God of Mountains, Lord of Inventions, Patron of Languages, King of Kings and Lord to all his Melqarts, Ba'als, Avvites, Horites, Mechanical Creations, and Frogs, and to all and each of the subjects of Hinnom present which is you all and to come which is everyone in the whole world bitches recognize, greeting.

Know ye that I, by the unanimous will and common consent of me, King Hippomnomnomnom because I am the number one boss and ruler of everything and I don't need anybody else, certainly not the lords of Histyra, Old Man Mountains, and the Electors of The Swamp of Ethereal Frogs although they are still pretty sweet and their love and support for me, their omnipotent God is well appreciated and I shall reward them for their loyalty, and of the territory of the Androphags, of PRESIDENT SKROOB!, King of Sauromatia, of the Vampire Queen and her Sacred Grove (*wink*), Mary Schapiro, have granted and confirmed in honor of the blessed Virgin Mary who was the first blood slave sacrificed on the altar of King Hippomnomnomnom, St. Patrick who drove the snakes from the big island with the little tree on it in the west of the Marsh of Ethereal Frogs which was pretty cool because snakes eat frogs and the frogs are staunch worshippers of King Hippomnomnomnom, and St. A PENIS EUPHEMISM, the patron of the lightless lantern and father and founder of the Cyclopsean order, to the Mechanical Men serving in Histyra, as a perpetual and pure donation, the charging stations in the back around the corner, whereon they can plug in and be rejuvenated and refreshed for their duties and really do they need more than the occasional charge, a bit of oil and some sharpening tools for their stabbing hands? Surely they can't use the monastery of Mictlan where once the streets and ziggurats ran red with the blood of innocents sacrificed to the great deceiver :Smaug: but which now after King Hippomnomnomnom's beneficent rule with its bounteous and fruitful lands, woods, and waters, and to EIGHT TICKETS TO THE GUN SHOW, those underwater groves and kelp forests as form a bucolic retirement appropriate for those kraken as have served King Hippomnomnomnom wisely and well and their progeny forever and ever such as may take King Hippomnomnomnom into their hearts and all the fishes and amber clan and sea otters therein and such ships as may sail thereon and such pearls as may be found in the depths. These lands with their many benefits I have confirmed to the aforesaid commanders of my own proper gift, for the health of my nation, that its denizens may add 10% to their hp for every friendly candle and that I may be the partaker of all the benefits of the masses, hours, and prayers that shall be offered by each of my subjects up into me, and to the end of time.

And because I have founded the Dark Citadel of Old Man Mountains of my own mere will and 120 worshippers, I have taken my uncles the Grigori and their associates the Demon Lords so much under my protection, as vassals and domestics of the faith, that they shall do my bidding and may be safe from the molestations and incursions of all thugs bearing Flambeaus or dual wielding dusk daggers.

I will also that, as the pretenders and nobles of Lanka or Mictlan may wish to conver certain lands or other benefits which, by divine right are mine already, upon this kingdom, for the health of their souls and of their bodies that I might not smite them in twain, they may do so in the next eight minutes which will be the extent of their lifetime because they are about to get banished to the fucking inferno so they had best get hopping while they have free will and my license, that I may know what and how much of my earthly Kingdom they have given me of their own free will and how much I have rent from their poor, cold, dead hands for the use of whatever use I want.

The witnesses and sureties are:
Nobody.  King Hippomnomnomnom does not need witnesses and sureties. He is the Pantokrator and his will, not ink on some damn paper, is what enforces this compact. 

Oh, hey Schneeble.  Pretty cool that Mictlan gave you all his stuff. That's great champ. Keep up the good work.  

For those that answered "King Hippomnomnomnom should research how to blow shit up next!" you were correct.  Summoning this turn is a kraken, two mechanical giants, a cyclops and some mechanical men.  Blood hunting is at 158.   

Evo 8 is really just a rest stop between the much better levels of 7 and 9.  

Long range and high damage but low area and inaccurate fire spell.

This is OK for Abysia or anyone who prefers heart scales but you really ought to be spending your fire gems on Zmey or Ember lords or eternal pyre.  Still, the flavor is pretty cool.  At levels 8 and 9 the globals are of the "break reality and suck out the gems, extra sun in the sky/everything is dark forever" variety which is pretty badass. If you put up Second Sun and Utterdark it just gets dark and hot.

This is the water gem global.  It generates 15 water gems, 5 astral, 3 air and one each of the remaining gem types every turn. 

This is situationally wonderful. For example, if you had huge armies of mindless mechanical men (or are any of the R'Lyehs who have lots of mindless servants).  Generally however, you're not going to want to cast it.  

Look it's TheDemon's turn to quote the charge of the light brigade!  

A single Raksharaja!   And he's porting onto a province with a lab. That means he can port right back off again.

It's himself! 

In Troll Peaks, a couple of feebleminded mages suicide on my mechanical men.  Fact: mechanical men are the best blockers as long as nobody casts Arcane Domination.  

In Kratas Zmeywaffe Air Competitor the Zmey provides irony.or.death with a little assistance in holding the province deep in Mictlan's territory.  

I'm sorry about this Incy.  I didn't think you were going to move here let alone move anything valuable.  

Zmeythansa Air Competitor,  a Zmey worth 40 gems including gear, vs. over double of gems on a mostly full-grown Wendigo.  Surely all those gems will win out over a silly unbalanced chassis. Right?

The wendigo zips over and its chill aura goes to work fatiguing Zmeywaffe Air Competitor as the wendigo bashes him.


The first few rounds go poorly for Zmeywaffe Air Competitor.  

But Zmeywaffe Air Competitor's five attacks a round begin to tell.

Wounded, the wendigo lashes out.  Desperate for victory, he hacks through one of Zmeywaffe Air Competitor's necks.  A grim smile begins to draw its face into a grisly caricature of delight as one of Zmeywaffe Air Competitor's now head-less  necks flops about.   But this wendigo is young and it does not know that the common zmey is not particularly well endowed with brains. In fact, the entirety of a zmey's neural network is situated in a relatively small hind-brain positioned roughly at the convergence of the zmey's three necks.  Particularly learned Ammi have speculated that this mass of neural tissue is similar to the sub-oesophageal ganglion present in ozelotl.  Indeed, where a zmey's brains are generally thought to be is merely a sac of fluid that combusts upon contact with air.  The feared fire breath of the zmey, unlike that of the dragon which relies solely upon the innate magical abilities of their kind, is a mere chemical reaction and for those properly protected entirely harmless.  Perhaps if had spent more time in his basement browsing Wikipedia in the wee hours like King Hippomnomnomnom, his scientist might have passed this knowledge on to the poor wendigo.  As it was, Zmeywaffe Air Competitor, overcome with the fury of battle and only minorly inconvenienced by the loss of a fire nozzle, pounced upon the smiling wendigo and tore it to ribbons. 

The mechanical men march in perfect unison into Towen, as the populace, misshapen and horrible from years of exposure to the environmentally unsafe silver mines, huddle in their hovels, overcome with awe at the magnificence of their new robotic overlords.  King Hippomnomnomnom has already established a peaceful farm where they will live out their days in idyllic bliss.   

TheDemon plummeted from the sky, landing solidly on the ground in Cacian Forest.  He whispered a prayer and casts a spell; his body accelerating with the blessing of Peak Theorycrafting and then turning to mist.  Only his terrible fangs and sword retained their substance.  He moved swiftly toward the center of town.  "Please, stop! God, what are you" were all the mayor of the small forest town had time to get out before TheDemon's blade emerges from his back.  The rest is mere choking screams as blood fills his lungs.  Far in the distance King Hippomnomnomnom pauses.  He welcomes the poor Avvite's soul home and reaches out with his mind.   Deep underwater a single eye opens.   PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW PEW has received its God's message and its ancient mind gathers, terrible and malevolent.  Back in Cacian Forest, TheDemon pauses in his slaughter of innocent Avvites.  He hears the faint sound of a hundred suction cups and, for the first time in his thousand years feels a slight pain behind his eyes. He pauses.  Demons don't get headaches, do they?

In a darkened room in Histyra, an Ammi looks into the black mirror.  Focusing a small amount of magic at the mirror, a picture of TheDemon slowly comes into focus.  The Ammi smiles and, in the mirror, TheDemon begins to scream.

Ingenium the Grigori forges Ardmon's Soul Trap, KRAKEN QUEEN forges my first set of rainbow armor, JULIET glares at KATE and adjusts her décolletage downward a half inch forges my first clam of pearls, Tenjou Utena forges a lantern shield for Schneeble who lost the first one and, most important of all, fishy fishy fishy forges my first amulet of the fish.   

In Old Man Mountains, immolationsex and Belphegor cast Release Lord of Civilization.  So I have that going for me.

Donkringel moves north to secure the remaining Mictlan fort in the area.  

On the Mictlan-Pan border, an apocalyptic confrontation is in the works.  You can see Mictlan has hundreds of jaguar warriors, storm demons, five zmey and Father Illearth.  Pan has 900 maenads to the south and another 1,000 in his cap along with five tarrasque, an ember lord and a mechanical giant.  It should be fun to watch the fireworks when they happen because no matter who loses, Hinnom wins!