In the beginning, the Maker created the world. All the various species lived together
It didn't last. On the continent of Thedas, a cabal of powerful mages united to storm the Golden City of the Maker that shone within the spirit realm. They failed and were cursed for their hubris, becoming the first of the darkspawn; twisted monsters banished deep underground. The Maker then washed his hands of reality and disappeared.
Since then, the darkspawn have periodically launched apocalyptic invasions of the surface world, the Blights. Leading the fight against them are the Grey Wardens; an ancient order of mysterious badasses founded to Do What Needs To Be Done. There have been four Blights to date and on all four occasions the Grey Wardens saved the world. Eventually.
It is the 30th year of the Age of the Dragon, and a new Blight has begun. Staring down the darkspawn this time is the Kingdom of Ferelden, a damp country that likes dogs and cheeses and hates elves and foreigners. Given the scale of the threat, it should be a simple matter to bring the kingdom's forces to bear against the horde. Right?
Dragon Age! The game created when Bioware got nostalgic for the good old days of Baldur's Gate, but didn't want to pay for the D&D license again. Swords and sorcery, dwarves and elves, dragons and dungeons; they're all here waiting to be killed, explored and/or seduced.
But this ain't your daddy's fantasy role playing adventure. This is the new shit.
So here's a screenshot LP, with writing and pictures and no more than three jokes. Game text is plain, sound effects are bold, comedy additions are in italics, [and square brackets mean LPer comments and mechanics explanations].
Part 01: A Long, Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far Far Away...
Part 02: Paragons And Renegades
Part 03: Biancamania's Running Wild
Part 04: Mo' Money, Mo' Problems
Part 05: The Metaphorical Shield
Part 06: Everyone Hates You Now
Part 07: This Update Is Brought To You By PC Gamer
Part 08: Moving On Up
Part 09: The Dogs Of War
Part 10: The Grumpy One
Part 11: Hello Boys
Part 12: Join The Grey Wardens, They Said
Part 13: Unlucky For Some
Part 14: Charge Of The Light Brigade
Part 15: The Adventure... Begins!
Part 16: Getting On With It
Part 17: Fear And Lothering
Part 18: Arts And Crafts
Part 19: Occupy Lothering
Part 20: Leaving Las Lothering
Part 21: Alistair Has A Conversation With A Dog
Part 22: Tomb Raider
Part 23: Rose Bushes And Human Flesh
The Circle Tower
Part 24: The Dark Tower
Part 25: Who Dares, Wynnes
Part 26: Kids! Say No To Blood Magic!
Part 27: Love Will Tear Us Apart
Part 28: Dreamy Sleepy Nightie Snoozy Snooze
Part 29: A Narrow Squeak
Part 30: Supaburn
Part 31: The Incredible Hulk
Part 32: Action Therapy
Part 33: Rise And Shine
Part 34: Pride Comes Before A Fall
Part 35: Dodgy Geezer
Part 36: Deadly Sex Goddess
Part 37: A Talking Cat!?!
Part 38: Chicken Out
Part 39: At The Mountains Of Madness
Part 40: Reports Of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
Part 41: Deal Or No Deal
Part 42: Glourious Basterds
Part 43: Ask Not What Your Village Can Do For You
Part 44: The Secret Power Of Alcoholism
Part 45: A Hard Day's Night
Part 46: Castle Spoopenstein
Part 47: Jowan's Bogus Journey
Part 48: Dismemberment Tuesday
Part 49: Not So Simple
Part 50: Our Mutual Friend
Part 51: Battle Under The Big Bridge
Part 52: Sten Has A Conversation With A Dog
The Brecilian Forest
Part 53: The New Romantics
Part 54: Highway To The Friend Zone
Part 55: Got Wood?
Part 56: Nice New Fur Rug
Part 57: The Rapping Tree
Part 58: I Know You Are, But What Am I?
Part 59: Skellingtons
Part 60: Crystal Gem
Part 61: The Lady Or The Tiger
Part 62: Dragon Age: The Musical!
Part 63: That Old Black Magic
Part 64: Eight Simple Rules For Possessing My Teenage Daughter
Part 65: The Real Deal
Part 66: The Great Mabari Caper
Part 67: All I Care About Is Sex And Violence
Part 68: A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall
Part 69: Murder, She Read
Part 70: Take It Up With Human Resources
Part 71: Haven Is A Place On Earth
Part 72: The Sharpened Spike
Part 73: Dragonforce
Part 74: Ask Me No Questions And I'Ll Tell You No Lies
Part 75: You Have Chosen... Wisely
Part 76: Strangers In The Night
Part 77: Leliana After Dark
Part 78: A Little Light Treason
Part 79: Chained Heat
Part 80: It Was A Dark And Stormy Night
Part 81: Leliana Rising: Revengeance
Part 82: You Can't Go Home Again
Part 83: Start Spreading The News
Part 84: The Old Homestead
Part 85: Family Ties
Part 86: The Ambassador's Reception
Part 87: The Tournament Arc
Part 88: Bookman's Revenge
Part 89: Bear With Me
The Deep Roads
Part 90: I'Ll See You At The Crossroads
Part 91: The Darkspawn Of The Night, What Music They Make!
Part 92: Big Momma's House
Part 93: Hammer Into Anvil
Part 94: Rock The Vote
Part 95: #Moga
Part 96: Rump Roast
Part 97: Snitches Get Riches
Part 98: Oghrimemo
Part 99: I Have Come To Regard You As People I've Met
Part 100: Stand And Deliver
Part 101: Tactical Espionage Action
Part 102: Your Queen Is In This Castle
Part 103: It's A Wonderful Life
Part 104: The Denerim Gentrification Project
The Landsmeet (2)
Part 105: Jailbroken
Part 106: Love Is In The Air
Part 107: Busting Makes Me Feel Good
Part 108: Does Whatever A Spider Can
Part 109: Loose Ends
Part 110: The Enemy Of My Enemy
The Final Battle?
Part 111: Indecent Proposal
Part 112: Not With A Whimper, But A Bang
Part 113: Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads?
Part 114: Here We Go Again
Part 115: Vigil Dungeon Blues
Part 116: Howe Now
The City of Amaranthine
Part 117: Is This The Way To Amaranthine?
Part 118: Eff The Police
Part 119: Critical Chunks
Part 120: Last Dwarf Standing
Part 121: No War But Class War
Part 122: Attack Of The Nouns
Vigil's Keep (2)
Part 123: I Ain't Afraid Of No Ghost
Part 124: Role Playing Game
Part 125: Down Among The Dead Men
Part 126: Taste The Rainbow
The City of Amaranthine (2)
Part 127: Put A Ring On It
Part 128: Marsh Madness
Part 129: In Justice We Trust
Part 130: Bianca Aeducan And The Curse Of The Ghost Dragon
Vigil's Keep (3)
Part 131: Dead And Loving It
The Wending Wood
Part 132: Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires
Part 133: Good Ol' Rock
Part 134: Can't Make An Omelette Without Breaking Wardens
The Final Battle
Part 135: Elf On The Shelf
Part 136: All For One And One For All
Part 137: Mother's Ruin
Part 138: Give A Hoot, Read A Book
Part 139: My God, It's Full Of Stars
Part 140: Goodbyeeeeee
Bianca. The protagonist. Daughter of the Dwarven King. Joined up with the Grey Wardens for protection from dwarven politics.
Alistair. Rookie Grey Warden. Lawful Good. Has a smart mouth.
Morrigan. Apostate mage. Sent on adventure by her mother. Mysterious motives. Odd dress sense.
Leliana. Spunky nun. Believes the Maker told her to help our heroes. Shadowy past.
Sten. Big grumpy qunari. May have killed some children this one time.
Wynne. Cool magical grandma. Here to fight the good fight.
Zevran. Rebellious assassin. Works for us now. Has issues with his former employer's severance package.
Shale. Bitter old golem. Likes pretty things. Hates birds. Haaaaaates birds.
Oghren. A drunken dwarf. Enjoys pornography, turpentine and never showering. Basically a goon.
Barkley. A dog. Pretty smart. Likes Bianca and pantaloons.
Mhairi. A young knight with big dreams of joining the Grey Wardens.
Anders. Snarky apostate mage with strong political views. Sit right down and let's rap about the opiate of the masses.
Nathaniel. Roguish son of one of our many nemesises. Awkward.
Sigrun. A Legionaire of the Dead, but surprisingly chipper about it.
Justice. JUSTICE BY NAME. JUSTICE BY NATURE.
Velanna. Elven mage. Fueled by anger and blood and sarcasm.
The Grey Wardens
Duncan. Head of all Grey Wardens in Ferelden. The Obi-Wan of Dragon Age.
Riordan. Tough Orlesian Warden. Breaks necks and hearts in equal measure.
Daveth. Not "David". Warden recruit. Slightly lovable rogue.
Jory. Warden recruit. Family man. Resembles a frog.
Sophia. The last Warden Commander before Duncan. Smells pretty bad now.
Avernus. Ancient, amoral Warden mage. Demon expert. Comically large ears.
Bodahn Feddic. Travelling dwarven merchant. Tagging along with us now. Ask him about his low, low prices!
Sandal Feddic. Bodahn's adoptive son. Lyrium-addled. Ask him about enchantment!
Levi Dryden. Hustling merchant. Descendant of disgraced Warden Commander Sophia Dryden. Wants to clear her name.
Mikhael Dryden. Levi's blacksmith brother. Tough guy. No time for niceties.
Flemeth. The Witch of the Wilds. Old, powerful, eccentric. Morrigan's mother.
The Nobility of Ferelden
Loghain. Head of Ferelden's armies. Poor boy done good. Now rules as Regent.
Howe. Powerful nobleman. Loghain's right hand. Total bastard.
Cailan. King of Ferelden. Big Grey Warden fanboy.
Anora. Queen of Ferelden. Daughter to Loghain, wife to Cailan. Seems nice.
Elric. One of King Cailan's honor guard. You remember Elric, right? Good ol' Elric.
Cauthrien. Loghain's enforcer. Probably the best warrior in Ferelden. Besides us, of course.
Erlina. Anora's Frenchified handmaiden. I'm almost positive she's a spy.
The Circle of Mages
Greagoir. Knight-commander of Ferelden's Templars. Da chief.
Irving. First Enchanter, head of the Circle, largest beard.
Uldred. Evil, bald mage. Chose a poor time to try and get promoted.
The Sloth Demon. Leading cause of night terrors.
Niall. Mage trapped in the Fade. Seems to have given up on everything.
Cullen. Crazy templar. Will go on to better things in the sequels.
Murdock. Two fisted action mayor. He's gruff!
Owen. Drunken blacksmith. Sad about his dead wife, missing daughter, poor beard hygiene.
Dwyn. Dwarven loanshark. Always looks after #1.
Bella. Cheery barmaid. Big dreams, big heart.
Lloyd. Cowardly bartender. Not part of the craft beer revolution.
Berwick. Suspicious elf. What's he up to?
Arl Eamon. Voted 'Noble Least Likely To Have Us All Killed' in the annual Grey Warden awards.
Teagan. A Bann of Ferelden. Doesn't have time for Loghain's bullshit. Brother to Arl Eamon.
Isolde. The Arlessa, wife to Arl Eamon. On the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Connor. Son of Arl Eamon. Latent mage. Uh oh.
Ser Perth. The highest ranking survivor of Redcliffe's knights. Dull but worthy.
Jowan. Rogue mage. Works for Loghain. Having second thoughts.
The Brecilian Forest
Zathrian. Ancient Keeper of the Dalish Elves. Not a dog person.
Lanaya. Apprentice Keeper. Raised by humans. Curious about humanity.
Mithra. Hardassed elven hunter lady. Kinda racist against non-elves.
The Lady. Mysterious beautiful naked green forest woman. Hey, gotta have one in every RPG.
Swiftrunner. Angry werewolf. Nice teeth. Fresh breath. Hrrr.
The Grand Oak. A rhyming tree. A pleasure to see. Fiddle-de-dee.
The Hermit. Mad old man of the forest. Does he like questions? Yes.
Denerim, the Capital of Ferelden
'Slim' Couldry. A well-connected crime guy. He knows all the crimes! Even the illegal ones!
Master Ignacio. A legitimate businessman. He is, ehhh, how you say, not from around these parts.
Sgt. Kylon. Kylon of the Yard. Tough talking street cop. Ferelden's sanest man.
Goldanna. Alistair's sister. An angry, angry young woman.
Wade. Ferelden's greatest armorsmith. A confirmed bachelor. Enjoys musicals. Strong feelings about interior design.
Otto. Blind old templar. "One of the good ones".
Shianni. Spunky young elf. She fights for what's right.
Valendrian. Leader of the elven ghetto. Spends most of his time getting the shit kicked out of him by aristocrats.
Caladrius. Powerful Tevinter mage. He's started making trouble in our neighborhood.
Haven, the Mountain Village
Brother Genitivi. Ferelden's answer to Indiana Jones, if Indiana Jones was bald and didn't use a whip. Actually, he's nothing like Indy. Forget I brought it up.
Eirik. Spiritual leader of Haven. Organises bake sales, charity collections, blood sacrifices etc
Kolgrim. Big chief of the Disciples of Andraste. Refers to dragonlings as his children. Probably a closet Scaley. Don't google that.
The Guardian. Ancient keeper of the Urn of Sacred Ashes. Knows our darkest secrets. Yes, even that one.
The Good Old Days
Marjolaine. Orlesian spymaster. That accent can't possibly be genuine.
Young Leliana. An impressionable teen spy. Crushing pretty hard on Marjolaine.
Tug. A sleazy dwarf. Incredible moustache. Don't ask about his nickname.
Sketch. Stuck-up mage. Seems a little too neurotic for this line of work.
Harwen. Mercenary captain and former noble. Harwen is a bad bad man.
Silas. It's Silas Corthwaite! Soldier turned poacher turned revenger man.
Dorothea. Kindly priestess with a weakness for spy ladies.
The Dwarven City of Orzammar
Endrin. Bianca's dad. King of Orzammar. Unwell. Everyone's worried about what'll happen when he dies.
Bhelen. Bianca's little brother. Ambitious. Veeeeery ambitious.
Trian. Bianca's older brother. Paranoid, angry, large stick up ass.
Harrowmont. Chief advisor to King Endrin. The good sort of Grand Vizier.
Gorim. Bianca's former bodyguard and bestest pal. Steve Blum at his Steve Blumingest.
Jeb. Human mercenary hired by Bhelen. The hero of Update 7. Came to a Bad End.
Vartag. Cringing lackey to Bhelen. Keeps trying to make us do his job for him.
Dulin. Pathetic menial to Harrowmont. Keeps trying to make us do his job for him.
Czibor. The Shaper of Memories. A glorified librarian with a title.
Jarvia. Sinister Crime Lord. But she's a lady. 'Crime Lady' doesn't sound right.
Kardol. Gloomy Legionnaire. He's paying off his debt to society through darkspawn murder.
Branka. The Paragon. A living embodiment of everything a dwarf should aspire to. Or not.
The Darkspawn Horde
The Archdemon. Leader of the darkspawn. Formerly Urthemiel, Old God of Beauty. She has not aged well.
Derek the Darkspawn. A Hurlock Vanguard, the middle management of evil. He keeps this show on the road.
The Architect. Scientist, scholar, monster. He set everything in motion.
Utha. Silent dwarfy sidekick to the Architect.
The Mother. The biggest of bads.
Varel. Our seneschal. Middle manages the keep on our behalf.
Garavel. Newbie guard captain. By-the-book type.
Woolsey. Bureaucrat sent by Grey Warden HQ to manage our finances. Quick, hide the liquor.
Maverlies. Guard sergeant, who's troubled by happenings in the basement.
Voldrik. Our stonemason. Kinda racist against humans, but eh, he's cheap.
Dworkin. A mad bomber, but he's on our side. Probably.
Eddelbrek Local nobility. A real man of the people.
Aidan. What passes for the law in Amaranthine. Likes hugs.
Shady Fellow. What passes for organised crime in Amaranthine. Likes money.
The Dark Wolf. Cool and edgy vigilante. Probably has his own spin-off comic series.
Mischa. Dwarven shopkeep. Has history with Sigrun, which will probably become our problem soon.
The Amgarrak Expedition
Jerrik. Dwarven noble trying to save his brother's life. Must be opposite day.
Brogan. The brother trying to be saved. Unstable but useful.
Snug the Bronto. A large but unreliable friend.
The First. An unusually crafty darkspawn with a strange manner of speaking.
The Baroness. Another riff on the Carmilla legend. Big on vanity, not so big on peasant's rights.
The Wending Woods
Ines. A very sarcastic botanist.
The Statue of War. A violent statue with a grim backstory.
The Statue of Peace. A kindly statue with another grim backstory.
Seranni. Velanna's sister. Major case of Stockholm Syndrome.
The Witch Hunters
Ariane. Ass-kicking machine with an interest in elf rights, dogs and chocolate.
NOW READ ON...