Part 96: Rump Roast

PART 96: RUMP ROAST


[Been a while, huh?]



[All the armies have been recruited, and we've collected the entire set of Emissaries, so we can proceed to the endgame when we're ready. Which probably won't be until 2018. ]



Orzammar has sent her best, Warden.

No false modesty, eh?

I'm the greatest dwarf who ever lived. It has been a long time since the dwarven army has marched on the surface.

Do you need anything?

Outfitting any army on short notice, there is always room for more gear.

Gems would serve the most utility. The middle stones, sapphires and the like. We're dealing with many smaller foundries, and larger values might overwhelm.

I could just give you weapons directly.

No! Gems only! We will be the most fabulous army in Thedas!



[We can now deposit gems in the Emissary boxes for a few piffling experience points. Selling them for money is usually a better idea. Gotta get more money for precious, precious poultices.]



[Let's chat with our new recruit.]



Come to talk to ol' Oghren, have you? Don't know why.

What's wrong, Oghren?

Nothing. I'm fine. Just. Got a hornet in my eye, is all.

Oh, that's what that is.

Did you want to talk about something?

I'd like to know more about you.



What about?

Are you sure you're fine with what happened with Branka?

Oh, sure, I'm fine with it.

I mean, she was a real firebrand between the sheets, but a bit soft in the skull, you know what I mean? Explains why she left, anyway.

You're handling this well.

Handling what? Branka? Psht. That treasure‘s been long buried.

[Steve Blum does good work with Oghren's voice acting. He's usually an amusing drunk asshole, but there are hints in his voice that he's suppressing some shit.]

Ancestors take me, you people whine like tea kettles around here.



That's mostly Alistair.

He really a Warden? I thought he was like... yer maid or something.

I haven't seen you in six weeks, and this is the treatment I get?



Shale! How are you coping with your life-changing revelations?



"Shayle of House Cadash."

Is that who I once was? I find this difficult to believe.

You're tall for a dwarf.

I am not a dwarf. Or, at least, I am not a dwarf any longer.

You never leave the club, Shale.

If I was this Shayle of House Cadash as Caridin said, there must be some evidence of my existence remaining. I must find it.

Perhaps there are records in Orzammar?

There is another way.



What Caridin said, it has allowed me to remember one thing. I believe I know where Cadash Thaig is.

We can go there, if you like.

Its offer is appreciated.

I will mark the location on its map. If we can journey there soon, I am most curious as to what we will find.

Wait, you were serious? You seriously want us to go back to the Deep Roads?

Yes.



greattalkingtoyouIreallycareaboutyourproblemsseeyoulater



Pull up a drink, Warden. Join me in my sodding hole.

Something bothering you?

Nah. Just tired, is all.

How do you like the surface?

It's sodding great. At first I was a little queasy, with all that air, but... there's just so much of it!



No one has any idea who you are. Or what you're doing. And the ale! Who'd have thought, ale made with grain!

Tastes a damn sight better than mushroom brews.

Aye, the surface is great. It's like a big, bright world of filth without a ceiling. My kind of place.

You've ruined it now.

Hey, let’s go find something to kill, huh? All this talk makes my hands twitchy.

Come on Oghren. We need to get to know each other.



Just leave me alone, Warden. Seriously.

Why? Are you upset about something?

Upset? (Scoffs) I don't get upset. I get drunk.

Do you miss Orzammar?



What? Miss Orzammar? Are you mad, in addition to being ugly?

People in paper houses shouldn't throw fire.

They treated me like a puddle-fly back there. I'm never going back.

That's actually a really healthy mental attitude. Weird that it's coming from a high functioning alcoholic.

...

Oghren?



You saw it! Tell that thing to give it back!

How much have you had to drink today? Are you having "Oghren Time" again?

Only if by "Oghren Time" you mean... yes. But that dog ruined it when he stole my pants.

But I'll show him. I don't need my pants, anyway.

Oghren, you're wearing your pants.



But the dog doesn't know that. And it will be his sodding downfall!

You hear that, nug-humper? I'm coming for you! Prepare to die!

Please don't kill my dog. Or get killed by my dog.



You there. Aye, you.

I've been watching you. Where can I get some sauce for that rump roast?

Right here, you mad dwarven stallion.

Go and make yourself ready, woman. I'll be right there to see to it.

*thump*



Welcome to the team, Oghren.





Tsk. You look so tired, my dear.

You don't know the half of it.

It is all this constant walking and fighting. I think I know what you need.

A horse?

A little late for that, I should think.



My thought is this: We retire to your tent and I show you the sort of massage skills that one only learns growing up in an Antivan whorehouse.

That sounds good to me.

A willing victim it is. And if I might ask, if the opportunity to proceed past the massage should present itself...?

Oh, Zevran. Of course you can cook me dinner.

I'm going to have to work for this, aren't I?

I'm sure I'll think of something.



Then why are we still talking?



[I'm not going to show you any screenshots of the sex scene. You can watch the video on Youtube with the rest of the perverts. You disgust me.]



[Ok, maybe I'll show you one picture.]



[Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah]



[I hope you're satisfied.]



It's true what they say about elves.

It's a terrible lie what they say about dwarves.



See? I knew this would happen eventually. I should have warned you right from the moment you refused to kill me. It was inevitable.

Here I thought I seduced you.

O-ho! Why aren't you the saucy little minx, then? I’ve been used and I wasn't even aware of it. A masterpiece!

So, then. As the priestess so famously said to the handsome actor: What now?

Was this a onetime thing?



Allow me to make it simple for you, my Grey Warden. What comes next is entirely up to you.

I was raised to take my pleasures where they could be found, for they do not come very often. I shall ask nothing more of you than you are willing to give.

That sounds fine by me.

I must admit, we have come very far from those early days when I tried to kill you and you decided not to kill me... fate is such a tricky whore, isn't she?

She's certainly expensive.



At any rate, we should be on our way. A new day awaits us, or so the rumor goes.

And keep your hands to yourself, Alistair.



Well, can't lie around all night. Time to hit the road.



(The Blight has spread quite a bit further since the last time we hit the world map. Probably should get on with fixing that. But first it's time for a...]



SPECIAL SECRET BONUS SECTION!



[If you return to Haven Village after healing Arl Eamon, you find a new area has opened up.]



[This fence is attached to the house immediately on your right when you enter the village. Before healing Eamon it blocks off the whole path. After healing him a gap appears on the right, letting you past.

This gives you access to...]



[The Dragon Age Comedy Graveyard!]



[Can you recognise all these references? Fabulous prizes to be won!]


NEXT TIME: Return to Orzammarrrrrrgh