Part 18: Wait, that’s the plot?

Update 16: Wait, that’s the plot?



...Wait a minute, this door has seven tails like in the Don’s artwork. Hmm. Somebody on the design team wasn’t on the same page as everyone else, apparently.

Also, welcome to the end of the game! Most of this update is going to be available in video format, so here’s the first one.



These statues have seven tails, too. But who’s the dame? ...Eh, who cares. We have more important things to deal with.



Listen, lady. Quieten down or I’m gonna have to get nasty.

Oh, I can’t take any more! I’m completely ravenous. I’ll find my own sustenance, then.

Well, at least that gets the princess out of the way for our boss fight.



D’you know who I am? I’m Don Clawleone, my friend. The Plobfather. I run this joint.



You’re gonna pay for what you’ve done.



Oh dear, we made him put out his cigar. The Don clearly means business.



Clawleone usually starts off the fight with this attack, which you just need the right timing to jump over.



After a little of that, he’ll summon some of his mooks to blast Rocket full of holes. If you’re unlike me and actually do the smart thing, you’ll realise that neither the Don or his minions deal contact damage and just press up against the boss, behind all the guys with guns.



There’s also this move where a bunch of teeny-tiny Platypunks weigh Rocket down like those spiny babies from Wind Waker.



And that’s all there is to the Don… for the first half of this fight.



I got a little surprise for you, my friend. My secret weapon!



Because really, what final boss only has one form? Having a dragon form is, like, worth bonus points.



So with the help of a magical item that casts Bedragon, Don Clawleone is now going to roast Rocket. As you can see, most of his body is now impervious to attack.



The head’s his weak point, but it’s also where all his attacks originate from, so attack it from the side if you can.



Once his health drops below a third, he adds a more direct stream of fire to his arsenal. He doesn’t have to stay still while charging it, so he’s a little less vulnerable.



And at one-sixth health, he adds in this big sweeping blast. All in all, a pretty decent selection of moves for a final boss.



After the last hit, Don Clawleone’s dragon form suffers critical existence failure.





Oh, hi again princess.



I just want to have a quick go. Daddy says I’m very good at the flute.





Hmm, that’s the same tune as the Warrior’s Flute plays… But it sounds a little different.

What a funny noise it makes. I’ve never heard a flute quite like it before.

That’s what we’ve been diggin’ for all this time. That’s Flucifer’s Flute... That pipe keeps the Dark One sealed away. If ya blow it, ya let him out, ya dope!

...So the Plobfather didn’t actually want to unleash the Dark One? Oh.



Oh my.



You will be my slave, Clawleone.



But now it’s come to this, we got big problems.



It’ll be wiped out. Along with the rest of the world. I guess this means we’ll have to put our rivalry on hold. You’re gonna need my help with this. I don’t like it, but we’d better join forces. Come on, Flute Warrior. Things just got serious!

As Slival says, it’s time to take on Flucifer, the Dark One. You probably want to watch this.



Pffft, we’ll be fine. Hit us with your best shot, Fantasy Satan!



...Oh.



That… That could have gone better.



Please come back in one piece, Rocket!

This is jolly bad luck. Mt. Krakatroda’s a volcano. Anything falling in there will be-



Would you like to do a spot of alchemy?



Alchemy!? That’s no use to us now!

But alchemy is the key to defeating Flucifer.



What!? We can defeat that flying psycho with alchemy? Well I haven’t got any better ideas. Go for it!

Good, good. Good, good. I’ll get kraking straight away, then.



Sooo, who sees where this is going?



Ta-daaa! Alchemy complete. I really am rather splendid, aren’t I?





Ladies and gentlemen… The power of alchemy! Orange Fluffy Sheep would be proud.



The Schleiman and the Schwarzman have combined to make a flying tank!



With this winged tank, at least we’re gonna be on a level playing field with that Flucifer.





So, welcome to our fancy new tank! This is the Gott Schleiman; it automatically has 1000 HP even if the Schleiman does not, but it uses our regular selection of ammo.



We also have Slival as a replacement for our crew, and he’ll basically cover whatever needs to be done. Our opponent is Flucifer’s unnamed tank, which also has the courtesy to be dragon-shaped.

And yes, the triumphant tones of the Dragon Quest Overture is still playing.



The Dark One’s tank loads ammo automatically and will have Clawleone attack you through the door if you try to go over there, so there’s no point to invading while it still has health. They also have this special ammo which acts kinda like the Death Carrot; it deals 30 damage on impact, then about another 200 in 10 HP ticks. It only takes one shot to be knocked down though… and yes, the Mirror Shield does work on it.





After half the enemy’s health is gone, Flucifer starts charging up his massive fuck-off laser again. If you don’t hit him enough to stop it from charging, you’re going to be in for a world of hurt. Should the unthinkable happen and the Gott Schleiman run out of HP, he still has to send Clawleone to break your engine, so keep it defended.



Once either tank runs out of health, Flucifer will actually stop firing altogether. Also, like hell you are, Slival. This one’s Rocket’s!



The inside of the dragon tank is basically a little gauntlet where the possessed Clawleone will try to murder you before you can break through to the core.



He has a couple of different attacks, but he’s not invulnerable. You can just beat him up and continue on if you want to.



You may well want to do that too, because he’s not afraid to just spam this line of explosions while you’re in a tight space.



Oh? What about this Eye of Sauron thingy over here; is that important?



Guess so!



Gwaaaargh!



The Dark One, Flucifer, was laid to rest. The mighty Gott Schleiman again became the two tanks from which it had been formed. And Rocket and his companions were reunited.

-------



Oh, I’m sure he’s off training for a rematch already… Usual rival stuff, y’know?

Also, have yet another video.

Look. The Schleiman Tank’s back to normal again now.

That was a bit too easy. I don’t think that’s the last we’ll be seeing of the Dark One.

And just then, the sound of something falling can be heard…



I-Isn’t that the Plob boss!?



Hey! Don! What did you want that Warrior Flute for anyway? Thought you could use it for some evil scheme or something?

Actually, Hooly asks a good question… What made Don Clawleone want our flute so badly that he’d slimenap everyone in town for it?



And then, suddenly… The letter arrival noise plays?



Holy smoke! Is that the time already? Save the jawin’ for later. I’m busy.



...Did we just get blown off so that the Plobfather doesn’t miss his favourite TV show?





Ah, this must be the lady from his statues.



…





Dhoulmagus… underpants? (Dhoulmagus is the evil jester who cursed King Trode in DQVIII.)



So, he just wanted a Warrior Flute to give to that lady as a present?

And now she wants something else!





The crazy old man’s at it again! Oh well, at least it’ll stop him bothering us for a while.

So, that was the entire point of the Plobfather’s plot: impressing a woman. The crazy things some folks will do for love, huh?



I’m hungry, too. Let’s go home, Rocket. Everyone’s waiting for us.



And Rocket, having saved his country, became the hero of Slimenia.





-------





Go and say hello to everyone. They’re all dying to talk to you.



And once you’ve talked to everyone, His Royal Wobbliness wants to see you, too.

Alright, sooo… Before that, let’s look at the Princess’ letter.



Fried chicken, hamburgers, sushi, spring rolls, eggs, lasagne, cheesecake, popcorn… I want to eat them all NOW! Would you care to dine with me?



These tablets take so much stuff to make, dear Goddess.

Now, you know how the game just said that everyone wants to talk to Rocket? That means that everyone in town has new dialogue. All 100 slimes, 18 monsters and Ducktor Cid. That’s 119 new pieces of dialogue.

Here are all the slimes, in the order which they were rescued:

I say, Rocket. You’ve single-handedly saved every slime in town. I was the very first one you rescued. What a simply spiffing privilege!

You’re a chip off the old rock, eh, squishy? It...makes me all… All emotional...and… No! Don’t lose it now, Stony! Pull yourself together, you old softy!

Our great land is blessed with sunshine and happiness once more. We have you to thank for that, Rocket. May the Goddess smile upon you always.

Did you know you’ll be cursed for each and every blubby rockbomb you’ve blown up? Ha ha ha! Only joking! That has slimes shaking in their blubber every time!

Yay! Slimenia’s saved! Peewee isn’t scared anymore. But Peewee got too excited and went wee wee by mistake. And now it’s all wet.

We’s all much obubbliged to you for savin’ us. So I’s been practicin’ a little dance for you.

Ah, hmph. The hero of my kingdom. Enjoying your adventures, hmph, boy?

I’m bored of playing the piano. I want to learn to be a hero like you.

G’day, Rocket. Strewth! You were ace! I’m so stoked I could lose me shell! Huh? You wanna know what I look like underneath? Mind your own bizzo, mate!

Hi, Rocket. Wow, you’re amazing. We’re best friends, right? Bud’s best mate.

Like, everyone says I look exactly like Bo. I could so be your sister, Rocket.

Dit-dit-dit, dit-dah-dit-dit, dit-dit-dah, dit-dah-dit, dit-dah-dah-dit. It’s great that everyone’s back at last. Make sure you report to His Royal Wobbliness.

Bo is so lucky. I’d, like, die to have a brother like you. It’s so not fair! But you saved me and we’re not even related. Bo so can’t say that!

You have to be quiet......and stop jumping in church......or the Goddess will punish you. Look at this......jump on my......head...... The ceiling......came off pretty badly......too!

I, I finally plucked up the courage to talk to Mother Glooperior. Ah, I’m so happy! It’ll be my most treasured memory forever. So, er, how can I help you, Rocket?

You never cease to amaze us, Rocket. ‘And the Goddess said unto Her disciples, a brave hero shall save you all.’

G’day, Rocket. Come for a swim, mate. Exercise is the only way to party! I’m always in the water, me. Party or no party.

I made this, like, totally yummy dish today with mushrooms from Mt. Krakatroda. I call it ‘Trodestool Hotpot’. Everyone’s, like, so gonna love it. And there are plobiteroles for desert, too! [sic]

You-are-a-strong-slime. We-could-do-with-you-in-the-workshop…

The fight with the Plob’s over, but there’s still a fierce fight in here to be the best cook!

You blue up the Plob and brought every single slime black! You must be tickled pink.

Num, num. It’s - num - rude to - num - talk with - num, num - ya mouth full, sport.

Everyone needs a decent breakfast if they’re to become big, strong metal slimes.

I cannot cope wiz all zese orders! I need ‘elp! I need anozer flame before I get fired! I must turn up ze ‘eat or get out of ze kitchen. ‘Elp me, Rocket.

You’re all right, I suppose, Rocket. But no one beats Hooly! One day I’ll be even tougher than you, and then we’ll go adventuring together.

Startist will show you how to paint if you ask him. He’s so wonderful! All that stuff about Touch Screens and things… He knows all about it.

It’s so superific that everyone’s back home at last! Slimenia’s full of happijoy again!

It’s time......I taught you......the secret......to jumping......as high as me......Rocket. First......you have to......grow feet!

I’m going to be a pop idol! I want to be able to lift everyone’s spirits when they’re down. I don’t care if that nasty Slimon says I’m rubbish, I’m going to reach for the stars!

Oooh, my back’s killing me. And now Plopstar’s going off and leaving me to be an idol, too.

I’ve been enjoying this hearty meal so much, it seems to have disappeared rather too quickly.

Nobility and royalty don’t matter one bit. Anyone can be a hero. Including me.

Like, it’s so busy cooking for everyone now they’re all back again. But at least everyone’s safe. I guess that’s the main thing, huh?

I’m having dinner with Mother Glooperior. Do you want to come, Rocket? I’d love you to try my cooking. ...Oh, and Bo can come too, of course.

So everyone’s back at last? Wahoo! That’s great! Fantastic! Amazing! Uh-oh. Mustn’t get too excited. The doc told me I’ve got to watch my blub pressure.

You did a grand job saving everyone. Yes, your generation’s the future now.

Psst! Down here… Yay! Rocket! I’m so happy I could explode! I’m really going to do it this time. I’ll go with a great big bang for a great big hero!

If you ask me, you’re the greatest slime in all Slimenia, Rocket.

Well, somehow you managed to bring everyone back safe and sound. I expect we’ll get very busy in here. Better start waxing and polishing…

The Great Saviour! Come, pray with me, Rocket. Dear Goddess, may all slimes lead happy lives, and may Slimenia be blessed with peace.

We’re about to sing hymn twenty-goo, ‘Glory to the Goddess’. It lasts about an hour, enjoy!

All the big slimes are making a noise outside. Dummy thinks big slimes are dummies! What!? Everyone’s back? Dummy doesn’t mind, then.

All this research I’ve done into the secrets of the museum... And I’m still no closer to figuring it out. I must be ill or something…

You’re a big hunk o’ slime, Rocket. Viva Rock Vegas, a-huh huh!

Hey! You up there! D’you think Slival comes from Slimenia too? He’s cool. I want to be his friend.

I remember the days when you were a cheeky little monkey slime. But you’re a hero now, lad. You’ll live to a ripe old age, I expect. Just like me.

Ah ha ha ha! Now it’th time to thuck the thlime out of Thlimenia! But not while you’re thtill here. I’ll have to wait till you’re gone. Ah ha ha ha!

Tho a thingle thlime managed to thee off the Plob and thave everyone? I thould think bravery just oozeth out of you, doethn’t it?

Training’s going well. Even faster than before now. No one can catch me.

How are you today, Rocket? You’re the hero of Slimenia, you know. It’s farewell little prince, and hello great big, brave, handsome, wonderful hero!

I’d give my right bit of goo to - huhh - be a brave hero like you, Rocket. But - huhh - I haven’t got the energy. Huhh.

I’ve got plenty of vegetables, but I don’t know how to cook!

It seems the pupil has outstripped his master. You are a true warrior, Rocket.

Oss, Rocket-sensei! You fought well for Slimenia.

Cowabunga, blue dude! You’re the greatest! Man, I love being a slime with you in town! Heroes in a half-gel! Slime power!

You’re amazing, Rocket! I’m telling everyone how cool my brother is! I want to go with you on your adventures when I get bigger.

Hey, Rocket. Be a good egg and show me the Gott Schleiman!

Are you bubbringing monsters back to town, Rocket? Monsters are the key. There’s a good reason for all the statues and pedestals here, you know.

Ah, I couldn’t eat another thing. Well, almost. You’re a real fighter, eh, Rocket?

YOU’VE GROWN INTO A STERLING YOUNG SLIME, MY BOY. I’VE NOTHING MORE TO TEACH YOU. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, SON, AND DO WHATEVER YOU FEEL’S RIGHT IN YOUR HEART.

You’re just the same young lad you always were to me, Rocket. You’ll always be mama’s little pride and joy!

Under the guidance of the great Goddess, you rescued all of your fellow Slimenians. She smiles down upon you from on high, oh brave and heroic Rocket!

Oh, my! Look at those rippling muscles! Or is that just wobbling goo? Let me have a feel, you big hunk of slime. No, no! Don’t run away!

Good day. Did you know that crystal walls are even harder than orichalcum? I’m sure I read that somewhere…

You mustn’t go sneaking into the palace with my little Hooly, Rocket. There are much more fun things for you boys to be doing.

Get up to all the mischief you can while you’re young. You won’t get the chance later!

Ssh! Pretend you haven’t seen me. I don’t want Morrie-Morrie to know I’m here. He’s scary.

Thanks to you bringin’ ev’ryone back ‘ere, I’m makin’ a packet, guv’nor. I owe ya one!

That Flucifer… Why d’you suppose the top dog was buried there?

Unga. Me not think you be Bob’s tag partner no more. But me still fight and win BIG! Me find new fangummy, BIG muscles. Unga, unga, unga!

Aaaaah… You rescued a hundred slimes…? Were there really that many…?

You done something amazing, ay, ragazzo? You saved the bacons of all Slimenia! Now we will have the battaglia of the autographs, ay? Ah ha ha!

Your purity of heart and righteousness of mind have saved our precious land. Your name will be praised here in Slimenia for evermore.

Slimenia’s finally sunny side up again! And eggs all thanks to you, Rocket. Gluttonella and me are old friends, you know. So thanks for saving her, too.

I got a thousandweight and a 1St iron ball... Which is heavier, man? You make the call…

Having a bubbly bellyful is the greatest pleasure, Rocket. But don’t overdo it. If I gobble down too much lard, my tummy starts gurgling and I start spitting fat!

Rocket amazing! Pamby want be wike you.

Know what I reckon, Rocket? I reckon The Purrsecuter’d be a bonza place for a barbie! I wish I could go on it.

Tee hee hee! My hero! Do an Elasto Blast on me, Rocket.

You want to talk to me, Rocket? Oh, I’m so lucky! You’ve made me quite frothy! You can talk to me whenever you want. Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there.

You’re tho thin and thkinny for a hero, Rocket. I’m thur I mutht be much braver than you. You’ll thee.

Hello. Your sister’s called Bo, isn’t she? Ah, if I could’ve been born as someone else… Oops! I’m forgetting myself… Ahem! May choirs of angels sing on high! ♫

Here, boy! Be a good slime and don’t play ruffly with the other slimes, okay? They’re always talking about you. You’re the top slime around here!

A brave hero whisks me away in his pocket and we run away together… How romantic! But you’re not the type to do anything like that, are you?

Rocket rescue all slimes? Unga! Wild Fang not care! Wild Fang care about power. UNGA! Rocket power, much has.

My-writing-is-Xceptible. But-I-have-2-learn-pro9ciation-B4-I-can-speak-properly.

Unga-ga-ga, Rocket. Clawdia try pretty woman clothes. Clawdia look good. Unga, unga! Oops! No! Clawdia big, powerful woman. No like sissy clothes!

Want to hear a tale that rhymes? ‘The hero and the hundred slimes.’ A quick warning before your mind’s made up: it’s so funny, you might crack up!

One is most grateful to one’s brave young subject for saving the country from ruin.

Hero or no hero, you’re still capable of helping me find a book, what? It’s entitled ‘The ABC of Becoming a Hero’. Not something I’d need to read, naturally!

Process-enquiry:-Why-are-you-here? Response:-Collecting-unusual-input.

I’ve just heard about a new book that’s been published called ‘The 102nd Slime’. Doesn’t it sound fascinating? There are only 101 of us here in Slimenia.

Fangslimes read. Fangslimes read good. Me get big power from books. You get big power from books, too. Unga, unga.

How about......I show you......my special......super jump......Rocket? Huh? You don’t want......to see it......? Don’t......say that,......just watch!

The Terrible Four’s up to its old tricks again now things are back to normal, are they? That graffiti on the palace mural’s your doing, isn’t it, boyo?

Do you know what an AOONB is, Rocket? It’s an Area Of Outstanding Natural Beauty, like our lovely-bubbly Slimenia here.

A-book-without-instructions-for-making-a-burger-in-bun-is-without-purpose. Come-with-Sliborg. Together-we-will-purchase-burgers-in-buns.

Hello, dear. Of course, I’m like a dog with two tails now everyone’s back safe and sound… But the more slimes come in here, the more the books get in a mess. Come along, get tidying!

I’ve been eating rather too heartibubbly, Rocket. I’ve put on 0.3St! It’s terribubbly disheartening to rebound like this after all my dieting. I give up.

You’re worthy of me now, Rocket. You may marry me!

And here’s our monsters:

This town ain’t such a bad place. You slimes is all stand-up guys.

Meow. A hundred slimes? There’s not even room to swing a cat here now!

Thisss place isss oozzzing with slimesss. (And you all look the same to me.)

I dig you slimes, and I dug this town. I’m on the slow boat to paradise. Oh, yeah!

Oh, you caught me on the hop! Hopfully everyone can kick back and relax now.

I’m making everything nicey-wicey in town. I’m very picksy about being clean!

I was-was-was-was born in the country, me. It hit me like a sledgehammer when I-I-I-I first saw the palace, I tell ya. Thwack!

Ha ha, he he! DAncE whEn yoU’re HAPpppy! He he he! DAnce, danCE, DANCe!

Clack, clack! Clackety-clack! (Sounds like it thinks you’re a true hero.)

I don’t have no spines these day. If I don’t get them back, they gonna call me spineless!

Wooo… WOOO… Whooo shall I spoook next? Don’t wooory, Rocket. Only joooking!

Yeth! I found a liquid metal thlime! Thith one’th not going to get away!

Whoa! You saved everyone all by yourself? You’re not spinning me a yarn, are you?

You’re the on- ly slime who dar- es to come near me.

AaarGH! D’yoOOou knoW WHat’S in fassShion now? HORssse dUNg pErFUmeee.

Things are hotting up here. Everyone’s getting on like a house on fire.

Kafrizzle is much more powerful than Frizz. But eye can’t use magic like that!

Slimes are always trying to - Clank! - look inside my suit. It’s rude, I say.

I-am-a-mercenary. Exterminate-all-invaders. Protect-Slimenia.

............ (It...seems to be trying to congratulate you.)

And finally, everyone’s favourite doc:

I alvays knew you vere a very special slime. I vas right to make friends viz you. Vell done, Ducktor Cid, eh!?

I would like to point out that I transcribed all of that myself.





Well, everything that I can do right now. Let’s make this happen.



Slimenia thanks you from the bottom of its heart.

Thanks to you, Rocket, I can finally enjoy some decent food!

You’re a fine hero, lad. Keep up the good work!



Vell, Rocket. Zat’s zat, as zey say. All’s vell zat ends vell, eh?



And now the credits roll. Enjoy seeing a bunch of gooey puns and a parade of monster tanks!

The LP isn’t over just yet, though! We still have a few things to do… So be sure to join me next time as we mop up some post-game content, and get ready for Tank Masters!