Part 58: Episode LII: In Which We Learn How NOT to Design a Boss BattleEpisode LII: In Which We Learn How NOT to Design a Boss Battle
Verse 2B: The Bone Casket - Music: Final Battle
Welp, the plan with Nowe entering the Seed of Resurrection (which is apparently a super evolution device) is a wash. So instead, we're just going to smash the damn thing as a big "fuck you" to the gods. Sure, that sounds reasonable...
"So, even after we destroy this thing, the gods will still exist?"
"Yes. But unless we destroy it, we will not be able to reach the gods who lie beyond."
"Err...why not? Is it some kind of seal?"
"No. It will just greatly anger them to see it annihilated."
"I...don't think I follow, Legna..."
"We've got to piss off the gods to bring them out of hiding from beyond the veil. Go, Nowe... Troll the gods!"
"So, how much of themselves did the gods put into this 'plaything'?"
"Who knows. They are driven by whim."
"They're just kind of dicks like that. The only way to gain the attention of a dick is to dick them over yourself, my boy!"
"Uhh...alright... I guess... Was this in the plan dragons' too?"
"I just got an update over the Dragon Internet, alright?! Stop questioning these things! Now go!"
Alright, it is time for a remarkably bad boss fight. This thing is like a laundry list of what not to do when designing a battle. As this fight is not "difficult" in the challenging adversary sense. It is difficult in that we are basically at the mercy of a terrible camera, a poorly designed arena, and a godawful gimmick.
First of all, we need to attack the Bone Casket. We cannot just go run up and smack the thing with our sword. Nor can we use Legna to spit fireballs at it. No, there is only one way to crack this egg.
And that is by mounting Legna and flying up on top of it. That is much easier said than done. You see, being a giant sphere, there is only a very small bit of area where Nowe can dismount off Legna to the top of the egg. The camera is not at all agreeable for this maneuver, so we basically need to fly straight toward the middle of the sphere and spam the select button with hopes that Nowe will jump off.
We'll just overlook the fact that the thing zapped Nowe away for just trying to touch it with his fingers before, but it has no problem with him leaping onto the top of it and striking a pose. Anyhow, while we're up here Nowe needs to...
...perform a downward pound attack on the casket. Please note that he must do this with a long sword, not a short sword. The latter has a longer recovery animation for doing a downward strike and we have no time to dick around after we land the blow.
For you see, Nowe's attack pisses off the Seed of Destruction and Nowe needs to immediately mount Legna and get the hell off the thing. You'll notice a timer bar has appeared to the left of the screen.
We now have to play Simon Says with the Bone Casket. There are five crystals surrounding the arena: red, blue, purple, yellow, and white. When the casket begins glowing with energy, Nowe has about 10-15 seconds to get his ass behind the crystal that corresponds with the glowing energy coming from the egg.
If Nowe is safely behind the correct crystal (and on the ground, no cheating with Legna flying behind it) then he will be safe and sound. If he should find himself behind the wrong crystal, or heaven forbid out in the open...?
Fuck you! Instant game over! Start again from the beginning. Can't you tell this is going to be a fun fight...?
Now, after the wave of energy pulsates across the area, there is a ~15 second window of time where the Bone Casket will just sit idle. During this period, Nowe must scramble to mount Legna, fly back up to the top of the sphere, pray to
Other fun parts of this battle are the fact that the terrain around the crystals is not entirely even. Nowe cannot dismount if Legna is flying over any of the lava pools, as they're essentially pretty invisible walls. There's also the fact that Legna cannot fly straight over a crystal, as there's an invisible wall to get caught up on there too. Oh and Nowe cannot jump over lava pits either, unless they're really small. So if we overshoot where to drop him off and he's caught behind an invisible wall, well too bad. There's not enough time to hop back on Legna to reposition before getting one-shotted by the boss.
We need to hit the Bone Casket five times to complete the boss battle. It took me about eh...18 frustrating attempts to finally finish the damned thing. Almost every death was due to not being able to dismount onto the top of the boss in time or else not being able to get off the thing in time. With a few where the camera just fucked me as I tried to get behind the corresponding crystal.
I couldn't have been happier to finally see this pop up on my screen. Good grief...
Upon the completion of the battle the crisp, peanut butter shell of the bone casket shatters to reveal the creamy pure energy chocolately center.
"I'm going to be honest, my boy. I'm sort of just winging it at this point..."
The energy sphere begins hurdling back toward the ground. Its destination?
Straight toward Eris and Manah, who apparently were completely unfazed by the bone casket's death rays during that boss battle due to the safety of the Cutscene Zone.
Despite the fact that the thing is not falling particularly fast and they could probably easily run out of the way in time, Manah decides to shove Eris out of the way. Since falling to the floor two feet away will make all the difference in the world when evading a sentient ball of energy with a vendetta.
"You heard me, Legna!"
"I feel as though I am going to regret this but..."
Legna rams that sonuvabitch to almost no effect whatsoever. We're really winging it at this point...
"Now is the time to feel the love of the gods! A deep love. A great love. A love powerful and formidable. A love that crushes...like a mace!"
"As I recall, humans do not take too well to having large, heavy objects dropped on top of them, correct?"
"Well... I would forget about that childish fantasy of having two girlfriends, my boy..."
"Calm down. The enemy is still alive."
"Are the gods using Manah's power?"
"Using her to destroy the world?"
"Ergh... I guess? I don't know! I never got instructions for any of this nonsense! The Dragon Board of Planning is getting an ear full from me when this is all over!"
"Do not hesitate! This is our chance to destroy the rulers of this world! Now go!"
And with a remarkably lame cry of anger and some terrible voice acting, we fly off to the final battle against the Manah powered Bone Casket. Sure... Sure, why not? Drakengard... 2...
Bone Casket Full Boss Battle
Verse 2B Cutscenes
The Bone Casket Illustration