Part 26: Episode XIX: In Which Fairies Are STILL AssholesEpisode XIX: In Which Fairies Are STILL Assholes
Verse 2: Trolled
Music: Antipurity - Battleground
Welcome to the Forest of Faeries. Population: A bunch of assholes. This is a fairly short mission. Or at least, short on points of interest initially. About fifty soldiers died horribly within the first five minutes. But who cares about old news infantrymen? Let's jump ahead to the second major segment of the mission in order to go make some new friends.
A type of monster that dwells in wooded areas.
What is it they're eating?
Perhaps some questions are best left unanswered.
Zero is now tasked with taking on the avatars of digitized spirits of ex-Cavia employees. It has finally come full circle.
Trolls are kind of dopey enemies. They have a very limited aggro range and are just mostly content to chill out eating their sack of mystery meat Taco Bell take-out. But alas, whatever powers that govern the world of Drakengard demand their slaughter and Zero is not one to back down from getting her murder on.
Trolls are rather hearty fellows and are keen on throwing their weight around. Literally. If they get pissed off they will pursue Zero by means of just belly flopping in her general direction. I... don't think I have ever unintentionally gotten hit by these lardass' cannonball tactics. As just moving slightly to the right or left after they begin to make a break for Zero will result in a whiff and the troll eating shit face first into the dirt.
Beyond belly-flopping antics, trolls like to flop about in impotent rage but easily tire when results do not go their way. Combat Bracers are actually pretty damn good against trolls. Swords don't effectively deal enough damage to a single one of 'em (and you want to preferably take only one on at a time) and spears have most of their damage dealers leaving Zero stuck in long animations that are difficult to cancel out of in a pinch between troll tantrums. Combat Bracers are effective by being able to just roll in, deal a nice chunk of damage, and bug out between troll trouble.
Plus, karate kicking a giant forest creature's arm off is pretty fuckin' metal.
Speaking of Forest Creatures, it turns out we're actually in the Living Forest from Mortal Kombat 2. Be on the look out for Smoke or Jade lurking in the shadows. Did Smoke and his fabulous hair make it through Mortal Kombat 9? I forget. They killed like 2/3rds of the cast in a single cutscene. Anyway, about Drakengard 3...
Five troll deaths later bring about the attention of another faerie...
Ahehehehe! Who, me? I'm a faerie! A wise and beautiful faerie!
You seen an ugly, smelly dragon around here?
Ugly? But everyone who's not a faerie is ugly!
...Did you see him or not?
The faerie is nice enough to open up a path toward whatever mess Mikhail has managed to get himself into since the airship exploded. Maybe it was just that one faerie that was an asshole. And all the ones in Drakengard 1. And the ones that popped up in the weapon history stories... And...
And geez, is he ever stupid! He's so stupid, he can't find his own tail with four paws and a map!
Right. I get it. Stupid. Like you.
Yeah, stupid! Just like...
Heeeey! Screw you, lady! Dirty little deviant trollop Intoner! You go to hell! You hear me!? You go to hell and you DIIIIIE!
Did that thing just make a South Park reference?
A what reference?
...Don't worry about it.
A bit more travel and murder later...
Well, lookie here! Gooood morning, you slow-witted, brainless buffoons!
Not again. Where are these pests coming from?
Hey! Pretty boy! You're gonna be seriously ugly when you finally grow up. Why don't you just kill yourself now and save us the trouble of looking at you?
Dito, leave it. She's not worth our time.
And you! Flower lady! Nice outfit! Was that a birthday present from your pimp, or what? Talk about being an attention whore--sheesh! I guess it makes sense that an insecure loser like you would try to compensate by dressing like that.
Okay, that's it, fuckbag!
Lady Zero, please calm yourself! This accomplishes nothing!
Ooo! Look at the big perv trying to play the voice of reason! We all know you pretend to like S&M because you're actually terrible in the sack.
Hee hee! Poooor ugly, pervy baby... Did I make you cry? Guess I win!
I swear, when we're done here, I'm gonna burn this goddamn forest to the ground.
Pressing further into the forest's maze of bramble filled caves, we eventually come upon Mikhail tangled up in ivy... somehow. I suppose it is in our best interest to get the big goof down from there. You'd think a fire breathing dragon wouldn't have trouble with plant life. But what do I know...?
The actual method of freeing Mikhail simply demands Zero quite literally beat the shit out of the surrounding trees. If it's a tree with a face on it, is it still murder?
Shut up! This was no picnic for me, either. Now hurry up and destroy that wall.
But I didn't cry! Not one little bit.
I mean it! Not even one single tear!
Woooooow, that's great...
Exiting the cavern where Mikhail got into a bind, it would seem the party has stepped into the wrong fuckin' part of town as the East Side Spirit gangbangers immediately roll up ready to cause some ruckus.
Oh, hell. Not more faeries...
Are you talking about Three?
Maaaybe? Life is just full of chance encounters, you know? I try not to waste precious brainpower on the useless ones.
I'm gonna pull your wings off and make you eat 'em.
Dito! Leave it!
Now where were we... Three, was it? Yeah, I don't know where she is, but I bet our king would.
*Sigh* Okay, fine. So where's your king?
Oh, who can say? You know, dear, nothing in life is certain, after all. Though, I AM certain you'll find him deeper in the forest.
Uh, really? Way to contradict yourself there, dumbass.
Tee hee. Faaaaaarewell, nobodies! Life is one big dance, and we must dance it until we exit the stage. Dance, dance, dance... Dance, dance, dance, dance...
We have ten spirits to contend with in this area. Pay no attention to the fact there were only six in the cutscene. You've seen this game's frame rate in action. Regular soldiers no better than to step into the Spirits' hood. But the undead skeleton warriors have no such qualms. I kind of want to call foul on reanimated skeletons being possessed by vengeful ghosts. I mean they're skeleton warriors. They're already presumably possessed by a ghost or at the very least a thrall of some necromancer.
At the very least, Possessed Undead probably pose the least amount of threat of any enemy type that can be taken over by spirits. Their auto-blocking AI doesn't change while possessed. While their shield will prevent most damage to the undead fellow, whacking them about still counts toward jarring the spirit loose from their bones in order to perform a quick exorcism.
The death of several ghouls and ghosts later...
Yeah. Not like we have a choice.
What? You don't want to?
Have you been asleep or what? These faeries are a bunch of assholes. Their king is probably ten times worse.
You think? ...Well, don't kill him, okay, Zero? You're supposed to be nice to things that are smaller than you.
Oh? So does that mean I don't have to be nice to you?
Huh? Um... w-wait! I take it back!
With the remaining enemies cleared and the faerie nuisance buggered off to go remind people of simple tasks elsewhere, Mikhail is free to blaze a trail deeper into the forest. Where we just so happen to come upon the Faerie King's digs.
The rumors said you were uncultured and ugly, but my goodness! It reminds me of Lady Three. She was as dirty and inferior as they come. But you lot certainly match her in utter worthlessness and disgust.
She's in the Forest Shrine.
Oh ho ho ho ho! If I were to hand over THAT information, you'd kill me on the spot! I'm not going to be making THAT mistake! I'm the Faerie King, remember? No one is more wise, or clever, or boundlessly intelligent than I!
I'm not gonna kill you.
I, uh, promise?
I find that veeeery hard to believe! Ahahahaha! Hehehehehe!
...What the? WAAAAAAH! You killed him!
Are you sure you shoulda done that?! I mean, there's a certain order we gotta go through here, right!? First we get information, then we run off to some place, then we get MORE information, then--
We'll find it if we keep walking.
Huh?! Right... right...
And that takes care of Verse 2 of Chapter 3. I want to say that's the last we see of fairy assholes for a very long time. They can go take their forest and shove it. Dito you're clear to go get the gasoline and match book.
Video: Verse 2 Highlight Reel