Part 42: Bonus Episode: Where in the World is MY GODDAMN DRAGON and Mikhail DLC
Mikhail, you're an adorable big goofy tool of destruction. But for FUCK SAKE you are AWOL more than a handful of times. Now that we're reaching the end of our journey, let's take a look back on the many excuses the game has given for Mikhail not to help in battle.
Parameters for Mikhail's attendance are he can be summoned and/or ridden in battle during the course of a mission. Showing up the last five minutes while otherwise a no-show does not count. Only appearing in campfire scenes or cutscenes does not count. Being off screen and only phoning home to chatter with Intoner mom does not count. Geography is no excuse.
Verse 1: To the Seas
Oh. There's my dragon.
Verse 2: The Cove- NO SHOW
Destroying a battleship is really hard, Zero. Really, really hard!
Verse 3: The Ocean Ruin - TARDY
I went through all that and you STILL haven't destroyed that goddamn battleship?!
I was saving it for you!
Verse 4: The Ocean Ruin
Oh. There's my dragon.
Verse 1 - Cliffside Path
Your dumb dragon is right over there.
Verse 2: Deliberations
Your dumb dragon is right over there. Heh. Nice work with that bridge, ace.
Verse 3: Reign of Fire
Uhh...? You're riding the thing, Z. I'm sitting this one out.
Verse 4: Snowbound - TARDY
Well I was flying around the mountains and it was really, REALLY snowy and then I met this weird dragon and th--
Enough excuses! I've been freezing my ass off.
...Hey that other dragon never did come up again, did it? Weird.
Nor will it ever.
Verse 5: Repetition
Your dumb dragon is right there.
Verse 6: Wyverns and Four
I'm not going anywhere when there are dirty, stinkin' wyverns to kill! Buncha low, class greasy layabouts!
Verse 1 - Kill 'Em All! - NO SHOW
The airship exploded, Zero! It got blown out of the sky and I got turned around!
<twitch> Do. Not. Remind. Me.
Verse 2: Trolled - TARDY
Zero I got stuck in the vines! Get me down! Get me doooown!
Verse 3: Lost in the Woods
My Lady, Mikhail is right here.
Verse 4: Three's Riddles - NO SHOW
<SHITS OUT THE MASS OF A BABY ELEPHANT>
Oh... Uhh... Huh... Hehehe.
<sigh> Moving on...
Verse 5: The Lost Forest - NO SHOW
Hey Zero, look in the river. It's another drag-aaaaaaaaaah! <falls into a river>
Verse 6: Three - TARDY
Zeeeeero! I got caught in the vines! They caught me again!
Verse 1: To the Sands - NO SHOW
Trivia time--who kidnapped the mighty Zero's horrid dragon? <double thumb snap> This guy! And did you know the sound a thumb snapping makes is actually a very, very low level fire spell setting off for just an instant?
Really?! That's amazing!
Don't listen to that idiot, dummy.
Verse 2: Violators - NO SHOW
That's not fair, Zero. It's underground! I can't fit underground!
Then how did you get into the overgrown tree and stuck in there back in Three's dump?
That's what I thought. No excuses!
Verse 3: Hell on Earth - NO SHOW
There was an invisible song wall over the area! It was really there! Honest!
That's funny, I remember Two drooling and having less between her ears than you last I checked.
Well maybe it wasn't there the whole time. I had to find a good spot to go po--
Verse 4: Two and Cent
At least it's not a total zero at bat. Not that I'd mind seeing that anytime... Ho ho ho!
And that about brings us up to speed. I'll update this in the future. Mikhail isn't done playing hooky. While we're in the neighborhood discussing our dopey dragon sidekick, let's take a quick look at Mikhail's cosmetic DLC! Mikhail gets three pieces of headwear priced at $1.00 a pop to sport into battle.
First up we have a NIER throwback: Experimental Weapon Headwear
They thought the explosion killed him. They were wrong. Now he's back and out for... a good time! Emil and Mikhail team up for the feel good buddy cop film you've all been waiting for!
If that's too cheerful for you, we can go darker with our next accessory: Tokyo Tower Headwear
Last, but certainly not least, we have perhaps the most ridiculous of the trio: Beautiful Child Headwear
I bet if he could, Caim would have been happy to mount a Grotesquerie head as a hood ornament for that jet he tamed over the skies of Tokyo after being shot down. Unlike Zero's alternate outfits, these are all just for funsies for people that have little need of an extra dollar. Anyway, that's about it for Mikhail business I wrote up to kill time waiting for work related garbage. Time well spent.