Part 88: Episode LXVI: This is a Story About the Quest for a Famous FungusEpisode LXVI: This is a Story About the Quest for a Famous Fungus
Verse 2: Legendary Mushroom
Music: Antipurity Battleground
Well, here's a blast from the past. For this next leg of Five's quest for good eats, we find her and Dito atop the snowy peaks of The Land of Mountains in search of a legendary mushroom. Sure, why not...? It's already more of a reason to wander through this map than Zero had way back when.
I know, right? What kind of stupid idiot thinks ogre meat is legendary!?
That's legends for you. They're always better when you don't know the truth of 'em. Anyway, what say we go home, huh?
Uh, what say we NOT? When I want something, I don't stop until it's mine!
...I figured you'd say that.
We should have better luck with our little mushroom hunt here. I hear this mountain has some absolutely mouthwatering specimens.
Great. More foraging.
Give 'em everything you've got.
Damn... they aren't even human!
Shit... how are we supposed to stop their attack...?
If we die... at least we all die together.
Look out, here they come. That duo that messed up The Land of Sands.
Careful... those maggots could kill you...
As always, there are a slew of troops huddling together in groups on the mountain slopes for no readily apparent reason. A few of 'em have befriended some local ogres in the harsh blizzard conditions. All of them are in the way between Five and her pizza topping of choice, unfortunately. And we all know how that usually ends for your average faceless grunt.
Sorry to kill you because of my boss's crazy food obsession. Trust me, the stupid piggy princess pisses me off as much as she does you. So I think you understand how pissed off I am right now... Plus it's cold as balls out here. Maybe I should rip you apart and wrap your guts around my face. That would at least keep me a little warm...
Well Dito, that chat with the enemy took a dark turn. Feel free to make an intestine scarf on your own time. Five is going to stick to the traditional Intoner blood bath remedy to counteract her lack of proper trousers or top capable of buttoning past her waist.
There are only two brief roadblocks in this very brisk mission. The first involves an ambush of fifteen soldiers mid-way through the stage. One of which actually catches Five's fickle attention for a brief spell.
What? There's a woman here? You must be joking! Just look at your dirty face! And that outfit? Ugh! Your hair smells like you let a frog die in it. How could you let yourself fall so low? I can barely stand to look at you. Just having a hole to plug isn't enough for a woman, you know. First, you need to take a nice, long bath, and clean every bit of your body. Then get some powder and lipstick on your face... Find a dress that reveals juuust enough, and your inner woman will be set ablaze with passion! Trust me! Finally, grab a man and invest some quality time in enjoying the pleasures of the night. Wouldn't you rather be skewered by a ***** ******** than by a rusty old sword?
I somehow don't think that solitary female soldier will be heeding your advice, Five. Mostly because you immediately murdered her. At least... I think you did. All fifteen of those soldiers sounded quite masculine in their death cries. Strange.
A cerberus enters the fray after all the infantrymen (and women) fall. I personally would have led with the hellhound ambush and resorted to a direct assault if that failed. But what do I know of blizzard conditions close quarters combat tactics? Regardless, the pooch fails to avenge its masters.
Since we're many months before Zero's loud mouth manages to trigger an avalanche so severe it breaks the 4th wall, the path over the canyon in the later half of the stage remains intact. This significantly reduces the overall length of this mission. In fact, it's just a short jog before we reach the final area. Fancy that.
You're sure of it, right?
Mushrooms, mushrooms! My legendary mushroooooms!
Yeesh. It's like she's possessed. Once Five hones in on something, there's just no stopping her.
While that may be true, that doesn't mean some enterprising monsters aren't able to give it a good old fashioned go of it. In this instance, a pair of rather angry looking centaurs are here to make sure no one discovers the secret location of Mt. Bernstein of the Vice Norden. Tch. Whatever...
A centuar? Great. Just what I was hoping for. Hey, you're SURE these mushrooms are here, right? Because I haven't seen any mushrooms so far. Like, at all... Anywhere.
Of course! Those villagers I tortured swore they grew right around here! They said, and I quote, Look deep in the snowy mountains. ...But with more screaming.
Five? I think they may have been lying.
Oh, because they led us STRAIGHT INTO A FUCKING CENTAUR'S NEST!
Ex-CUSE me? Where did you learn to use such horrific language!? You're gonna be punished for that tonight. Oh yes you are...
Tch. The shit just keeps stackin' higher...
I suppose he may have a point. Well, we hadn't been making entrailscarfs and blood facials for nothing. Are centaurs edible anyway? I know they're made out of stone on the outside. But they do bleed. A lot. There must be something underneath. Then again skeletons bleed too... And ghosts... And Shades. I'm surprised nobody tried to eat any shades in Nier. There you go, Taro Yoko. There's a freebie for Nier 2. Have a replicant eat their own shade to stave off hunger. Double points if it's a starving child.
Downing the pair of centaurs stalking the decidedly fungus barren snowfield wastes will bring this mission in the Land of Mountains to an unceremonious end.
We're not gonna find a goddamn thing.
Through the scorching desert and the frigid mountains...
the Intoner searched for her beloved meat and mushrooms, only to come up empty-handed.
As for the young man traveling with her... he pretty much wanted to kill himself.
And that brings us to the half-way point in Five and Dito's Bogus Gourmet Adventure. Tune in next time when One sends in an agent to find out what the hell these two chucklefucks have been doing this entire time.
Video: Fives Prologue Verse 2 Highlight Reel
Early Dito Concept Art Dito, wear pants or wear shorts. Not some pants/jorts hybrid monstrosity. Who do you think you are? Tidus?