Part 89: Episode LXVII: This is a Story About the Search for Sunken TreasureEpisode LXVII: This is a Story About the Search for Sunken Treasure
Only at the half way point of the DLC and Five has already knocked out both of her required campfire scenes. Impressive. We join Five, Dito, and now Gabriella out of nowhere at a cozy beachside bonfire at The Land of Seas. Five, you need to be fifty yards away from the dunes when burning a bonfire on the beach. You're gonna get a ticket from some dickhead park service ranger with nothing better to do.
Anyway, Dito... What's your take on our new companion?
What's the deal with the dragon?
Like, why is there suddenly a dragon here? You don't think that's weird?
Ugh. Zip it, squirt. Stop sweating every little detail.
Huh. I thought it was a pretty reasonable question, actually, but hey, what do I know?
Oooh, attitude, huh? Maybe you should hang up the cocky jerk act and think about this for a second. You have a DRAGON fighting or you. Helloooo? Try and appreciate your good fortune already.
Pfft. I don't remember ordering a dragon. All dragons are good for is crowding up the battlefield and knocking shit over.
Bah! Did I say cocky jerk? Because I meant to say big, fat DICKHEAD! How about I crush you where you stand, you little shit?
Greeeat. As if Five wasn't enough to worry about... Now I've got some sassy grandma dragon getting all up in my face...
I can hear ya, shit.
I'm getting the feeling Gabriella might not like Dito. I wonder what that's all about. Enjoy Gabriella calling a dickhead a dickhead. These are the last two missions in the game we're ever going to see her in sassy grandma dragon form.
My sister sent you!? My, my...
Probably worried we're screwin' around on the job, huh?
Pretty much. So what exactly IS your job right now?
Treasure! A precious jewel borne aloft on a sea of sparkling blue waves! Ohh, I can't even explain. It makes me quiver just thinking about it!
Girl, did you take a blow to the head in your last battle, or what?
It's fine. She's always like that.
I knew I was going to regret this... There's just something about women like you that really gets under my scales... Is it the way you talk? Is it your face? Is it your chest? ...I think it's your chest!
Fiiine. Let's get this over with. Where do you want me to go? From all your babbling, I'm guessing it's the Land of Seas.
Mmm, how very observant of you! You're sooo smart!
Could you quit it with the screechy whining? You're giving me a headache.
We're going to the Land of Seas to hunt down something big and... mighty. Oooh...
Are you even listening to me!?
Well, then, shall we? Let the hunt begin!
Verse 3: Undersea Treasure
Music: Thundervalor Battleground
We find ourselves back in the incredible sinking city of the Land of Seas. I think this is one of the least used maps in the entire game. Which is weird, since it was the first map they showed for any preview shots of Drakengard 3. It's probably so seldom revisited because it runs like garbage. And if old gameplay footage is anything to go on, it always has run like a chuggy mess.
It's like they stole my heart and flew off into the horizon!
I'd like to see you fly off into the horizon...
Well, it's decided. Once One takes control of the world, I'm going to claim this land for myself.
What!? Oh come on! Anywhere but here. It's sweaty, and sticky, and it smells like seaweed and fish shit.
Oh, but I just looove getting sweaty and sticky!
The rotten seaweed and fish shit musk is just an added perk of vacationing in the sunny shores of the scenic Reverse-Scottish Land of Seas.
Gaaah! Help me!
Calm down. Hold still and count to three.
That dirty witch and her smartmouth friend...
These freaks are destroying us!
Wait... Please, hold on!
She's not gonna listen to you.
I'll buy us some time!
Don't die for nothing, man. I'll join you!
As expected by this point, the local troops stationed in the area are less than thrilled to see the dreaded yellow boobs of anime death that is Five. At least Dito has earned a reputation of being a smartass in-between threats to make organ necklaces for warmth. I wonder how survivors report back to their superiors about Intoner attacks in the early days and don't come off as lunatics. ...Well, given it's Drakengard they probably do get taken for lunatics and summarily executed for deserting their posts.
Yes. I'm getting worried. I heard you could catch it somewhere around here.
Your undersea treasure. It's seafood, right? Ugh, you are so obvious sometimes.
Oooh, look at that big shell on the ground! If I had two of them, I could make an absolutely ADORABLE bikini top! Hee hee hee!
Quit changing the damn subject!
So this is yet another gourmet run. At least there wasn't any villager torturing involved this time. Five just doesn't know how seafood works. I mean, it comes to you cooked and on a plate when you go out to eat near the beach. They must be keeping the plates of the coastal grub in a chest around the coast, right? It only makes sense. C'mon you jerks. Cough up the goods.
What do you want?
Further into the ruins we find our path blocked by a chokepoint full to the brim with cannoneers firing toward Five and Dito's position. Dito requests some aide from Gabby but well...
Meh, seems to me your boss has things under control.
Hee hee hee!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ahhh ha ha ha ha!
See? She's loving every minute of this. Besides, you seem pretty fond of the ol' killing yourself. You don't need me.
Are you kidding me!?
You were the one that put down the dragon help, Dito. Now look what happened. Five has to do all the work. Meanwhile, you got caught on the corner of that first barricade and had to teleport to Five's side after the fact because the game shrugged at getting you unstuck from geometry. This could have all been avoided by just being nice to our temporary party guest. Well, other than the part where you would have had terrible AI pathfinding regardless. I think that was just destiny.
In the later half of the level, we come upon a combat arena filled with archers, cannoneers, and lancers. But only one particular special soldier matters during this fight. For you see, this angry Land of Seas soldier has a bone to pick with Five.
She's the one who took down my sister's battalion! Make her pay!
Me? Took down your sister? You simply MUST be joking! I don't kill women or children. It's my rule.
...Oooh. You're talking about that dirty soldier back on the mountain, aren't you? To be fair, she did LOOK like a man. Smelled like one too... By the time I realized she was a woman, it was far too late...
Shut up! How dare you speak ill of the dead! You took my only sister from me, you whore!
Wait. Hold on a second... Are YOU a woman too? Oh my, talk about a pair of scruffy siblings! You know, if you'd just learn a little beauty and poise, you wouldn't be stuck in an awful job like this. It's really such a waste.
This time around they actually did make a unique unit for the female soldier. She has gold highlights painted on her armor and she even has unique feminine combat grunts. She also has several times more health than a normal swordsman soldier and hits twice as hard. However, it is still the very most basic enemy unit in the game with higher stats but the same AI and all of three very basic attacks. So...
...Well at least they took the effort to give her a unique death cry too. More than can be said for her dear departed sibling.
After dealing with the vengeful sibling's less than successful revengeance, a few passages later we come to deal with the final challenge between Five and her seafood dining pleasures.
Those boobs are fake! Trust me, I'm an expert!
Prepare to die Ms. Falsies!
Goddammit. Not a gigas. Looks like we need to even the odds. ...Hey! Dragon!
My name is not dragon.
Yeah, yeah. Quit bitching and help up!
What's the magic word?
Oh, for the love of... Fine. PLEASE.
Hmm... All right.
Stupid goddamn dragon... I'll deal with you later.
Gabriella graciously offers her cooperation in dealing with the gigas and the criers of false breasts. But honestly, it's a bit overkill. Five has got this either way. The only take away from all this is that breast implants exist in 1000 AD Drakengard's world.
...Does it count as a boob job if it's uncontrollable magic augmentation from being some unnatural demi-god construct?
Not too much father. We'll stop at the coastline just before the border. My treasure must be within those waters!
Gotta be honest hereI wouldn't get your hopes up.
Either way that is a wrap for our sunken ruin adventures. Mostly because we've once more run out of map space to run through. Tune in next time for an enemy based on the actual history of Japan.
Video: Five's Prologue Verse 3 Campfire Scene
Video: Five's Prologue Verse 3 Highlight Reel
Early Five Concept Art