Part 5: Episode V: In Which There is Inappropriate Celebrating
Episode V: In Which There is Inappropriate Celebrating
Verse 10: Infestation
Yes, he must hurry! It's only been a good half hour since the castle was breached. Time is of the essence!
So, as the verse title suggests, the castle is crawling with a fuck ton of Empire soldiers and little else of note. Well, other than that one Union guy on the castle PA system flipping out constantly.
Despite being only a three story castle, it has a fairly confusing layout.
Here is the central area. This is the only landmark in the entire structure. There is an upper walkway surrounding it on the next floor. The rest of the castle looks like:
This... Barring a couple of near empty dead end rooms, with maybe a barrel or a health orb residing in them; this is pretty much all there is to the castle's layout. So, without checking out the map frequently, it's fairly easy to double back.
That said, this area's triumph of level design was so compelling they reuse it in the sequel. No joke...
That isn't to say Castle Corridor lacks secrets. For instance, by taking the staircase in the north eastern part of the first floor, Caim can come across a fancy new weapon just sitting waiting to be collected.
The treasure chest is guarded by some sort of phantom soldier who hits fairly hard and shoots fireballs. He also has a minute time limit to defeat him before he just up and vanishes. I have no idea what the point of him was other than maybe giving experience. It is possible to just nab the weapon and bolt back downstairs. So...yeah... Mysterious!
"The voice? Well, it is akin to sending thoughts through the air."
"Let us give it a try. Just think what you wish to say to me and I wi-"
You are huge! That means you have huge guts! RIP AND TEAR!
"Right... I will talk to you later."
Ahem. Anyway, there are two weapons in this stage. The first one was fairly easy just to stumble into. What with the lack of ability to see between floors on the map. The second one is a bit more obtuse. On the second floor, on the walkway above the central chamber I mentioned, there are eight of these huge new soldiers.
They swing their weapons for a bit more damage and can block standard attacks fairly often, but nothing to write home about. Anyhow, murdering all eight of them on the walkway will unlock a secret treasure box.
The box in question is in an armory out the side of the central room down the hall. Though, there is no way to know where the hell the armory is without wandering into one of the many dead end corridors.
Of course, it doesn't help that there actually two identical (well mirrored) armories on this floor. One of them (the one on the eastern corridor) leads to just an energy orb. So, it is easy to just assume that was the lame prize and miss the weapon.
The Imperial Soldiers mumble dazed nonsense in a monotone voice as Caim progresses through the area slaughtering them. Given the glowing red eyes and the brainwashed drone like attitude they seem to have, it's a fairly safe assumption there is something not quite right going on in the Empire.
Well, that and the whole wanting to destroy the world by murdering the goddess thing. But, at least that could be written off by the Empire just being jerks.
The rest of the stage has little noteworthy left to it, so let's get a move on.
Oh boy! Quick turning! That will surely come in handy in this breakneck stylish combat system.
Caim enjoys jousting sans the horse. Or the arena... Or the crowd... Really, he just likes to go "chugga-chugga-chugga! Woo woooo!" and impale random Imperials. Or small animals... Large animals... Really, just anything that is standing out in the open in a field and is impalement worthy...
Alright, it is that time again. Time for some stories:
Nice to see the Union is stocking up on ancient cursed blades. Good strategy, guys.
"This laughter was quickly snuffed out by the volley of arrows which rained down upon the dragon moments later. The End."
Verse 11: A Goddess Saved
Despite overtaking the castle around 45 minutes ago, the brainwashed fanatical Imperial soldiers have just resorted to sort of playground style bullying the goddess. Luckily, Caim's pal Inuart is on the scene.
"Is Inuart gonna have to choke a bitch...?"
Heh. I'm just kidding. Inuart is a total pussy and about as combat savvy as you'd expect from a ginger haired bard. Case in point: his method of saving Furiae is to push down a soldier right by her feet. Being the goddess apparently imbues the sole role of damsel in distress to Furiae. So she pretty much just gasps and stares blankly at her looming assassins.
"Do not worry! I will...err... Will... Will...uhhh..."
Wait for Caim to show up and do all the work.
A room full of dead Imperials later.
With no one left to kill, Caim resorts to repeatedly stabbing the corpse of his newest victim out of frustration. No...really... Watch the movie. He stabs that dead guy a good five times just to make sure he's extra dead.
He's dead but he ain't perforated. Tinman here's funeral pyre is going to need some turkey, tomatoes, and lettuce by the time I'm done with him!
"You always were such a joker. Remember that one time when we were kids and Billy Baxter from over in Vvardenfell gave you a wet willie during Furiae's 14th birthday? And then you jumped over the table and stabbed him in the eyes with a fork? Furiae was so mad when his eye ruptured and got all over her cake. Hahaha. Good times... Good times..."
How do you yell "..." anyway?
Caim has a very eloquent way of responding to this inquery:
Hahaha. Well, sure. That explains everything.
"I...I thought I would take Furiae to the elf village. I mean, this is a fantasy setting, right? There must be some elves around here."
What? Do the elves live in Switzerland or something? I don't think hanging out with some hippie neutral elves is going to stop the legion of brainwashed soldiers, complete with an aerial armada, from steamrolling through if they're hell-bent on getting the goddess. But, what do I know?
They are fairly vague about this whole goddess business. It's not some sort of birth rite destiny crap. It is apparently a voluntary process. That said, they never really say why Furiae became the new one. Only that it happened fairly recently and it ended up totally cock blocking Inuart here. Now, it's not like she became some near comatose emotionless husk or anything. I think she was just always passive as hell with the personality of lint.
Though, some sources show she may have been a heavy boozer. Well, Caim too. But I don't think anyone would be surprised by Caim getting plastered and going on some alcohol fueled berserker rampage to celebrate Friday nights.
I'm going to miss those deep conversations we once had.
Verse 12: Inuart's Song
Well, Furiae's room is lined with corpses and coated in enough blood to fill a kiddy pool. So, what to do?
"I just so happen to have brought my harp along for such a splendid and joyous occasion."
Pictured: The only time we will ever see Caim with an expression which isn't being pissed. He's probably thinking back to that guy he stabbed the bunch of times. Good times... Good times.
"Inappropriate Musical Interlude of the Autumn."
Caim was the only person who played Dragon Age and didn't turn off persistent gore effects. That's the last Dragon Age joke for a while, I promise.
"What would you doooooooo if I sang out of tuuuuuuuune? Would yoooooouuuuuu..."
Fade to black.
Well, that's the end of Chapter 1 folks. I hope you all enjoyed. That was the nice humble beginnings. We're going to be turning up the "fucked up shit" dial a tad bit next chapter...
Before we go, let's take a look at the world map:
I'm reminded of something but I can't quite place my finger on it. I wonder what that's all about... Oh well, I'm sure it's nothing that will turn my world upside-down.
Concept Art -
Inuart Official Art
Caim's Pact Branding
Everyone posing for a jeans commercial or something.