Part 9: Episode IX: In Which Fairies Are Assholes
Episode IX: In Which Fairies Are Assholes
Verse XII: Mockery
We now return to a very special episode of The Fanciful Adventures of Leonard of Faerie Valley, already in progress.
Faerie Valley is, less than surprisingly, inhabited by fairies.
"Hahahaha! What fun, what fun!"
Also not too surprising: Fairies are complete assholes.
Jack and shit. Have you seen the draw distance in this area?
"Makes you sick? Humans are pathetic! Pathetic! Dirty, smelly... Might as well just die. Hey, that's it! Kill yourself! Go on, finish it off, useless human."
"Nope nope nope! No more butts for you. All gone and de~ad! Hahaha. No more boys for the bozo. Hehehe. Unless you want to... Oh... OH I BET YOU DO! Still warm and nice and toasty by the fire. Hey look! Look everybody! Leo-oh-nard is get-ting HARD what a re~tard! Hahahaha!"
"Will you stop that! We're not supposed to talk about that anymore!"
"Hey EVERYBODY! The human doesn't want everyone to know he's the pedobear of faerie valley! Everybody got that?! GOOD! Don't talk about Le-oh-nard MOLESTING CHILDREN! We're not talking about that anymore!"
"What is the deal with humans not wanting to die?! And airline peanuts. Peanuts... Oh boy I'd better stop the human is getting all hot and bothered again! Hehehe."
"Please! Puh~leeeaaassse! Comeoncomeoncomeon! It'll be fun. There will be blood sprays and violence and I'll go <clears throat> 'FLAWLESS VICTORY! FATALITY!' And nobody will get it because the only one watching is that raccoon over there. No don't look for the raccoon! It likes to watch... But I'll say that and nobody will get it and I'll laugh anyway. Hehehe."
"What do you mean? Did I...miss a part of this conversation?"
"Hmph! You and me! Together forever! It'll be soooo much fun! Hehehe. I'll be the Watson to your Holmes! The Luigi to your Mario. The Robin to your Batman. No wait... I take back that last one. Don't want you to get any funny idea. Hehe."
"I have no idea what you're talking about..."
Sure Leonard, overcome your guilt and despair by having a pact with a creature that thinks you ought to commit suicide because it would be funny and has done nothing but insult you constantly. I'm sure you won't regret that. No sir.
Verse XIII: After the Torching
Meanwhile, Caim needs to kill something. His Dark Passenger demands it.
You know how we flew to the Valley of Faeries before? Funny how it happens to look exactly like the previous map, only with a reversed starting and end point.
<Insert five minutes of killing the same two guys>
Well, I guess that resolves the previous scene...
So, it turns out Leonard was, in fact, retarded enough to have the pact with Tinker Bell's asshole cousin and now we're going to have to track him down for...some reason. In Drakengard's world it seems possible to have a pact with just about anything and seldom is it anything non-human. Hell, a guy in Drakengard 2 makes a pact with Death.
On a random tangent, it's nice to know the Empire doesn't racially discriminate in its hiring practices. Good to see a progressive evil empire.
The developers decided to mix things up this time by cranking down the draw distance/turn up the fog to around Turok 2 on the Nintendo 64 levels. Why...? Why not.
The view while riding Red is even more abysmal. Truly groundbreaking gameplay innovation is at hand.
Anyhow, there's another new weapon to be collected here. It's unlocked by traveling up to the odd little alcove on the top center of the map and killing everyone there.
The actual treasure chest containing the weapon is hidden somewhere cryptic on the map. Hmm...a certain bridge, you say...? Well, this is a mind boggler.
I mean look. There are two whole bridges in the stage. Two! Do they think me some sort of master detective? It's at the one we haven't traveled to yet.
Getting back on track, Caim feels compelled to murder the shit out of every goblin he sees. Short, tall, fat, slim, green, yellow, hob, Osborn, or Dafoe. Caim makes no exception to any of them.
Goblins are a bit irritating. They have little HP and don't hit very hard. But, they are some of the quickest attackers in the game and like to gang up on Caim and attack non-stop. Short, quick weapons are the best way to deal with the little knee biters.
Dozens of dead goblins later...
And, that about covers this verse. Time to meet up with Leonard, who's pact joining has apparently made it magically become daytime in the fifteen minutes since we saw him last.
"The Flesh of Fallen Angels!"
Wisdom's dildo knows it sucks. It has terrible self esteem issues.
"If the staff was touched by Caim he would pick it up and attempt to bash people's skulls in with it."
Verse XIV: Feeling in the Dark
I'm not sure how that works, but go on...
Leonard is probably the least assholish person in the entire game. In fact, he's a pretty decent guy all around. This is quite out of place in Drake-oh wait. I forgot. Child molester.
Bwahaha. So Leonard is bound to a fairly worthless fairy that hates his guts and makes fun of him constantly. On top of that, it caused him to go blind. I don't think Leo here is very good at this whole pact thing.
Come on, Red. That barely even makes sense. You're not even trying, are you?
"Unless it happens to be written down... Then it may become problematic..."
Leonard decides to do some awkward praying for one of the many dead Empire soldiers. This does not sit well with Caim.
"I will go with you, Caim. Let us leave these bodies where they lie. We must hurry to the desert. The goddess is in danger, I fear."
"I am the only one who can hear you. You do not have to whisper."
How does he know my name?
"Well, he probably recognizes you. Are you not somewhat noteworthy for a human?"
He's blind... And I can't speak...
"Well, perhaps he smelled you. You do have a bit of a reeking of spilled blood about you. Though, I now question how he knew of our situation... Much less about the Goddess... Well..."
I'd argue that point but everyone sort of shrugged and just walked off... Err... Alright then...
And thus, with not a word really exchanged between the two, Caim gains a new party member.
Leonard and the Fairy Pact
Leonard Awkwardly Joins the Party
Concept Art -
Leonard and Fairy Official Art
Leonard Concept Art