Part 13: Episode XIII: In Which Interracial Attraction is Discussed Via Silly Accents
Episode XIII: In Which Interracial Attraction is Discussed Via Silly Accents
Verse X: Gaol
And we are checking out who this voice belongs to...why again?
It's time for another forgettable aerial mission. But, I do enjoy how descriptive the mission objective proves to be. Everyone decides to gang up on Caim and get all preachy for whatever reason during this Verse. So, let's see what they have to say.
Is that one of those rhetorical questions?
Yeah, sure. I'll just sit around making pacts with a petrified garden gnome or something to lose my pubic hair instead. I'm sure that will stop the Empire.
No. My goal was just to kill as many as possible...before I had a fire breathing dragon. I've merely altered my goals accordingly.
But if I don't crush them all they'll just keep coming! That's a Catch-22 or something like it right there. One which either way requires wanton bloodshed in... my favor. Score one for the Caim.
We do have a couple of new enemies in this stage. First up:
Floating tit statues! Yeah...erm...no comment... These enemies are fairly standard issue, madcap creature design aside. They attack by err...
...unscrewing their torsos to reveal...whatever that gelatinous mess is... Said mess shoots laser homing but slow and quickly dissipating ones. Yeah...err... Moving right along...
The second new enemy is the "wraiths". I guess they're supposed to be the same thing as those weak sauce Skeletor Ghosts in the previous update. Only these are twenty feet tall and have a giant fuck off scythe.
The wraiths are invulnerable when doing their best grim reaper impression, during which they are holding their scythes. Their only attack is just flinging the damn thing like a boomerang at Red and Caim. Guess when you're supposed to attack them?
Oh yeah. I guess we ought to stop mucking about and see what the deal with this crazy pact voice.
Verse XI: Laughter
Not to be confused with the Empire's Dungeon. That was a completely different, entirely poorly defended place.
We join a pair of Imperial Soldiers shooting the shit in entirely silly British accents. Off screen a woman is laughing maniacally to the comedic routine of Sir Jeff Dunham. In the grim dark world of Drakengard... that is what passes for high humor.
"Is that so? I've grown fond of it, I have. Cackling women causes me to make a "ting" sound in the nether regions of my armor it does."
"Oi! Ye not know loving 'til you shacked up with a she-elf ya haven't. Them ears just aren't for listening, ya know."
"No... I don't... How does that even bleeding work...?"
"Well, ya see ya got to first unsheathe your long staff you do. Then you've gotta twist her 'round behind you and..."
" Wait! You know what I suddenly don't want to know."
"How'd they die anyways?"
"Gas leak in the stove. Never coulda seen it coming you couldn't have. Dreadful business."
"Aye. A shame."
The Empire is really adamant about preventing STD spread. They've sexual awareness program has all but eliminated the spread of AIDS in the greater Bizarro-African continent. Amazing work really all around.
Once you go Black Knight you never go back.
"Steve! This might be the last chance I get. I have something I need to tell you."
"What is it, Kevin?"
"I l... I love you, Steve..."
Drakengard is not going to dick around with comic relief.
Verse XII: An Invitation
Steve and Kevin, we hardly new ya.
We discover the cackling woman, from the previous verse, is an elf prisoner wrapped in more belts than a Tetsuya Nomura character design.
But, we soon discover it was not Caim and Red who wrought this destruction to the "gaol" (I feel like an asshole just typing that.)
No, much darker more sinister forces were at work...
My ten year old self just shat his pants.
"We can feel your...hunger... Your taste for tears... Your lust for fears..."
"These things... We can give you."
Blocs, Crazy Elves, and Spirits