Part 22: Episode XXII: In Which the Developers Spit In Your Eye
Episode XXII: In Which the Developers Spit In Your Eye
Verse 3: Destiny
Ugh... This verse is just godawful and that's something for Drakengard. It must be punishment for the mildly entertaining Black Dragon boss battle.
As you can see, it's another aerial mission... An aerial mission with an actual map to navigate and not just an open sky with bad guys to kill... These two things do not mix well. At all.
At the beginning of the stage a load of Imperial dragons fly out from the Empire's Clamshell of Doom. They're no big deal; especially after just having fought the Black Dragon.
The big deal is the three dozen or so cannons chilling out within the sky fortress. It turns out the center of this big ass thing is mostly hollow save for...
...winding brown corridors...
...and cannons. What...? You can't see the cannons? Oh right... That's because on the other side of the goddamn wall. You see, while they decided to mix things up with the trench run map to navigate in this mission...they made no alteration to the aerial mission mechanics. And, again, since it is an aerial mission...there is no map...
So, the result is just watching the mini-map enemy indicator carefully and hoping there isn't another wall in front of the next cannon. Red and Caim seem to have the OCD need to destroy each and every one of the cannons. It is not fun...
The cannons in question are the same iron ball firing cannons from way back in the first chapter. Yes, the fantasy aerial nuclear weapons platform defends itself by shooting big metal balls at things and hoping for the best.
Hey! Cut it out with that talk.
"I thought you enjoyed the slaughter?"
Well I DO, but not if you ruin it for me by saying they aren't feeling anything while they get cooked inside their little tin cans. That's no fun.
"Caim... You worry me sometimes..."
To add to the overbearingly dull atmosphere, Verdelet continues his senile rambling about shit we've known since the beginning of the game. Thanks for the update, chief.
Ten minutes of going rounding a corner only to shoot fireballs into a brick wall later...
You know, if the characters in the game itself start bitching about how tedious a stage is...it might be a clue to go back to the drawing board... Shockingly enough, they actually pull the exact same bullshit in Drakengard 2. Only instead of brown corridors it is neon lines corridors ripped off from Panzer Dragoon Orta's last couple of stages.
*raises eyebrow* Is that one of those rhetorical questions?
"Forget I said anything..."
Some more brown corridors and level 1 enemies later...
In the center of the Sky Fortress is this little tower protected by about eight cannons. The game expects you to fly through one end, take out a few cannons, and quickly fly out the other end before being bombarded. Then repeating the process two or three times... Drakengard!*
* For the record: You're supposed to be reading this in the tone of a kooky sitcom catchphrase. Pretend someone looking at the camera with a goofy face and shrugging their shoulders while saying it. In other words, it is not to be mistaken with abject rage as "NOOOOOOOMMMMMMMUUUUURRRRAAAA!!!" was...
Or you can just blast off a single magic attack and save five minutes of tedium... That works for me.
Why is Verdelet still following us, again?
Verse 4: Unholy Prayers
I really have no idea what the fuck is taking the Empire so long. They must have destroyed the other seals a few days ago at this point. I think breaking the goddess seal involves sticking a knife in her chest and calling it a day. This is not at all efficient use of evil resources.
If you'll draw your attention to the bottom right corner, you'll see this is actually a timed mission. Caim has twenty minutes to break through to save Furiae or everyone is fucked. Well, we'd best get to it.
Before you ask, it just goes "Fuck you, Game Over!" if the timer expires. There is no fun failure fanfare.
There is a new Imperial soldier in this stage: Shield Guys. Shield Guys are umm...guys with huge ass shields. They're invincible when they have their shields drawn and new foes also come equipped with an unblockable charging attack. This is all fascinating, I know...
Anyhow, the interior of the Sky Fortress is composed of...surprise surprise...corridors and big empty rooms! All filled with a fuck ton of wandering Empire soldiers just hanging out and shooting the shit...well at least until Caim comes along and paints the walls with their innards... Speaking of which!
There's one peculiar little room with the mad graffiti of an enraged Cubs fan. Even in Drakengard's world... 'tis is a grim fate.
There's also some less friendly but more optimistic graffiti on the opposite wall. At least death is a welcome release to those troubled souls.
I omitted most of it, but Verdelet does not shut the fuck up in this stage. I think he has about four variations of "Oh crap save the goddess! Quick!" I like to think nobody told him Caim was mute and he's just hoping to finally get an answer back at some point.
An entire floor of running past 90% of the enemies and it still taking forever later...
The second floor, as you may gather, requires Caim to kill four sets of jerks powering what appears to be the love child of ENIAC and a Tesla coil.
This is child's play, since they all die in one hit, have no defenders, and don't attack. But...there actually is a bit more to be done on this floor.
That additional objective being in the form of a shiny new weapon. The requirement for this one is no less than purging the entire floor of any form of life.
Quite a bit of Imperial butchering later...
Both the key to the final floor and the new weapon appear once the massacre is completed. Funny how that works.
"Do you hear Furiae's voice? Run to her!"
I'm going, I'm going! Sheesh.
Last floor... Going up!
Will you all just calm down! I still have over twelve minutes left and I'm almost there. I've got this handled.
"By what unseen clock do you gain this knowledge?"
It's just instinct. I can hear it ticking down in my head. Still got time...
"In...your head...? You hear ticking in your head...?"
Naw... It's sorta more of a beep, ya know? Still. Same difference.
"Do you...hear anything else in your head I am not aware of...?"
No. I'm not crazy. Sheesh. Give me more credit than that.
"...Right. Forgive my mispea-"
You can hear that voice telling me to kill everyone on that last floor to get that new weapon, right? I wanted to hurry up and get to my sister but...I mean I couldn't just pass that up.
"I...can't say I heard such a hint..."
Yeah... It comes and goes. Oh, hey. I think I'm almost there. Enough talk!
"We...might need to discuss this at a later date... But for now, hurry to the goddess."
Flamberge and Killberg: Attorneys at Law. Alright...story time...
Flamberge Weapon History posted:
A sword who name can also mean "fire". The rippled blade deepens wounds and
makes them fatal. This was a common sword in days past.
In ancient times, a warrior and a dragon fought a battle. Seeing his sword
melt in the dragonfire, the warrior tore out the dragon's tongue and wrapped
it round his weapon's blade.
The enraged dragon blasted a mighty fireball at the warrior. So great was the
conflagration that both warrior and dragon were reduced to ash. All that
remained was the sword, untouched by the flames.
Since then, the sword has held a special magic against the flames of dragons.
But it is said that should an unworthy man try to wield it, he will be engulfed
in a column of fire.
That whole story plays out like an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon.
Verse 5: Mute
I think it is time to finally meet the main villain proper. We may even get to hear her without her silly Batman voice.
There are a number of minor jerks in the way. But, at least that pesky time is gone. Wait... Is that a good thing...?
A couple dozen dead Imperials and a long hallway walk later...
Huh... I guess it wasn't a good thing... What with her already being dead and all... Glad we made all that effort in the last few stages...
Unfortunately, Caim managed to stop on the wrong floor. It turns out this was the box seating to watch "Death of the Goddess". The "Save the Goddess" stop was back on the third floor, past Accounting. It's a common mistake.
Caim expresses an emotion besides "RAGE!" and "meh" for the second out of...three times in the entire game. It's been a rough week for poor Caim. Sister murdered, best friend turned into a raging douchebag loon, inability to yell unintelligible battle cries... Heavy stuff...
Now that the goddess is dead, the priestess of the Cult of the Watchers decides to reveal herself as...a six year old girl.
Manah here actually reverts back to a little girl voice. Though, she tends to float back and forth between the two while she speaks. I suppose it's only fitting having the main antagonist of a party containing a pedophile and a child murderer turn out to be a child.
"Caim! Be strong! The world itself is in mortal danger! Will you allow your sister's sacrifices to be in vain? Caim?!"
The world's in danger, huh?
Let's make it a little bit more dangerous...
"That was lame..."
My sister just died BACK OFF! Let's go find something to kill. I hear that the Empire Capital is nice this time of year...
So, the goddess is dead, we've accomplished absolutely nothing, and the world is totally fucked...? Well, bring on the endgame...
The Developers Laugh!
Sixth Chapter Ground Mission
Manah Official Art