Part 26: Episode XXVI: In Which Verdelet Fucks Everything Up
Episode XXVI: In Which Verdelet Fucks Everything Up
Verse 3: The Capital
So, Red is now fully corrupted by Caim's insatiable RAGE. I sort of think if the whole end of the world thing is prevented, their new found bond of mutual love for bloodshed could prove a bit troublesome for your average peasant.
"Hehehe...why are we laughing...?"
Check it out over to the west.
Sadly, this short filler stage is the last time Red will be useful, since the following stage's enemies are 100% anti-dragon units followed by a stage that takes place indoors. Oh well... It's nice while it lasts...
Oh... I'm sure it used to be a decent place to live before the whole end of the world thing. Considering the only other inklings of civilization we've encountered have been a besieged castle in the middle of a desert wasteland, a couple of dungeons, and those huts in the frozen wasteland. At the very least, it's still nicer than Detroit.
Five minutes of filler later...
Alright. Stop right here, kiddies. I want you to go ahead and guess what the final boss will be. No peeking at the end of the update!
Verse 4: Joy Unknown
Alright, welcome to Imperial Capital proper. It is 100% filled with enemies that will wreck up Red's shit (read: Arbalesters and Red Dudes ). Or otherwise, passages filled with enemies Red could be useful against...were there not an invisible wall at the entrance to said paths.
Since the developers quite obviously loathe the player with every fiber of their beings, this penultimate mission is, of course, a collect-a-thon. It wouldn't be a bad game without at least one. There are four keys in all four corners of the map Caim must collect in order to gain access to Manah's temple. I'm not sure we suddenly know about Manah having a temple here but. Right...let's get crackin'.
I was hoping to get check out those pair of skyscrapers but meh... I guess an evil temple will be okay.
So, some of you were wondering what the hell a "Seed of Resurrection" was all about. Well...here it one of them... It's a giant err...egg...? They're all over the damn place and to be honest...we're not going to really learn much about what the fuck the plot devices are all about in this ending path. No worries...they have a much larger role in the next one. Let's just say it is a good idea to heed Red's earlier advice...
As it turns out, I was wrong about the ogres. Apparently about eight of them had a studio apartment where they had wacky situational hijinks, as well as on-again/off-again romances while living in the bustling, hectic Imperial Capital.
Sadly, their show was canceled after a single season.
Some wandering down a couple linear paths later...
The four keys are each guarded by a pack of the old zombie Imperials from way back in the aftermath of the Fantasy Nukes. If you're expecting to see any new enemies that aren't just a pallet swap, I wouldn't suggest you hold your breath.
Caim has to pretty much rinse and repeat with the duo of Ogres followed by the four-man tag team of skeleton warriors for each key. It is remarkably exciting.
"Buffeted?" Dragon, this ain't the time to be hitting up the dinner tables. We've got more important things to be doing now.
"That was not the definition I was utilizing."
Yeah, yeah. Whatever, dragon. All-you-can eat, lunch wagon, smorgasbord...whatever. Less eating, more killing.
This place feels so familiar... Dull brown endless ruined, repetitive slums... Fighting the same three enemies over and over... Collecting endless keys for arbitrarily placed gates... Oh... OH GOD! Terrible flashbacks!
One traumatic flashback and twelve minutes of fighting the same enemies and fetching the same keys three times over...
There's one final set of enemies to be slain before the fifth and final key is revealed. But first...check out that treasure box to the east. Looks like collecting all four keys also unlocked a new weapon.
Luckily enough, said new weapon bounty just happens to be a block away according to the ma-
Oh, for Christ sake there's an invisible wall in the way! This is fucking Deepground!
Since, on top of being useless for the entire stage, it's also impossible to mount Red unless Caim is in near the exact middle of the two open squares, we've got to pretty much just huff it on foot for three minutes back to the weapon. They also respawn a pair of skeleton Imperials just to be dicks for when Caim finally gets there. Drakengard!
The answers to what...? Was I supposed to be questioning something?
"Well... The Priestess Manah's plan for the Seeds... The Identity of the Watchers... Maybe, what became of Inuart and Furiae... You know... those sorts of questions."
I don't give a shit. The hell is a Watcher and why should I care? And...I believe we were never to discuss that again. There. I have my answers. Back to the bloodletting.
"If nothing, Caim... Your focus is to be envied. Hesitate not! Our path lies forward!"
Five more minutes of killing the same exact skeleton warriors.
Thankfully, unlike Deepground and Midgar from Dirge of Cerberus, the Imperial Capital is only a single mission long. Sadly, they reuse the same mission in nearly every ending path.
Here is the ominous Temple of the Empire. I cannot say I'm particularly impressed.
Actually, I'm only around 54% done with the game, according to the little tally counter in the menu screen. And that is counting two of the sub-characters' chapters I did behind the scenes and have sitting idle ages ago.
But hey, it's the final new weapon we'll be obtaining in this playthrough. Good to see old Ifrit getting some marketing tie-ins.
A granite sword, huh... Err...okay. Let's get to the story.
I'm sorry, but picturing a guy stuck with a thousand arrows waltzing around is just a hilarious mental image.
Verse 5: A Peaceful Casket
I hope you all like mandatory, ridiculously long gauntlets.
Despite the apparent urgency, there's no time limit for this stage. Indeed, I think they only actually utilize the time stipulation maybe two or three times the entire game.
Manah is content to just dick around dancing in the back of the temple up to the sixty minute hard coded time limit for stages.
Unfortunately, Manah is also protected by the arcane arts known in dark magi circles as the vile "Invisible Wall". Speaking of Manah, let's check out her digs.
For instance, her "altar" appears to be...a cheap bunk bed from K-Mart. Alright then... Moving right along.
Manah's also got a pretty rocking toy collection on the shelves behind the Seeds of Resurrection.
It seems Manah is also a fan of art. She has a lovely collection copied and pasted four times around the room of such classic works as a guard from Thief taffing about...
...Gandalf's cousin Chaz the Gay...
...some weird knight painting. Not sure what that's all about...
...and some winged knight rubbing a Charley horse.
"Lalalala. Speak not the Watchers! Lalalala. Filibuster not before the Watchers. Lalalala! Mock not the Watchers' interior design scheme!"
Caim has to kill every last enemy in this small area. Every time one wave is slain, a new one takes its place. Everything from elite knights, skeleton warriors, fireball wizards, and even those blind skeletons with the "no running or they attack" gimmick have to be killed in droves before this grind of a stage finally ends.
It's all extraordinarily dull, so let's just cut to the chase, shall we?
Time for some payback by Caim: Kindergarten Executioner.
Verse 6: Struggle
Why do I sense Verdelet is going to horribly fuck this thing up?
"The Watchers call the top bunk!"
Aww yeah... Aww yeah! Come here, Short Round. Let's see how well you sing and dance while bleeding out from a gaping chest wound.
Or maybe we could get a little creative... I'll let you do one more dance number. I'll even give you a round of applause afterwards. Of course, it's a bit hard to clap in these gloves I'm wearing. They're a little bit soaked with fluids that are not my own. I'll just need to borrow your hands. You can still dance and sing without arms, right kiddo?
Wait... Red could fit in here...? Then why the fuck did we bother with that entire previous stage? She could have just poked her head in, belched fire for a minute or two, and that would have been that. This fucking game!
Wait... Why am I agreeing to this?
"To be honest, I was about to ask you that very same thing."
"Hom gallech ne'allay fray natila... Hom gallech ne'allay fray natila... Hom gallech ne'allay fray natila... Hom gallech ne'allay fray natila... Hom gallech ne'allay fray natila..."
Hey... Didn't he try doing this same thick back when Inuart showed up all mid-boss style evil and crap?
"I believe he attempted. I was a bit preoccupied preventing you from being immolated."
Pfft. I totally could have taken that dumb dragon. But how'd that pan out anyhow? Baldy's little spell.
"Considering you found him face down cut open from near neck to toe... Not too well, I would imagine."
This could be entertaining then. Let's see where he goes with this.
"Angry voice for EMPHASIS!"
Verdelet blasts Manah with his seal spell rune Hadoken thingamajig and...
...shit goes horribly wrong. Goddammit, Verdelet. You are the worst supporting character ever.
For fuck sake! WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?
Move it, old man. You ain't dying here! You and I are going to exchange some goddamn words after this.
Alright, kids. Whoever guessed "Fifty Story Tall Manah" as the final boss gets a gold star! Drakengard!
Chapter Eight Ground Mission