The Let's Play Archive

Dwarf Fortress - Headshoots

by Various

Part 62



Fellow dwarves! I have arisen from the slumber of the dead to lead you in these troubled times! I bring with me knowledge that no mere mortal dwarf could ever acquire! I know the ways of ancestors and ancients, legends and kings of past, tremble before my knowledge! Knnnooowwwllleeedggee!

I am unlike the undead monstrosities that wander the wastes outside your walls, even if i'm sort of a skeleton and carrying my own head around. No, i'm here to help lead you by request of the gods themselves! So..that means you can quit chucking shit at me now.

Yes you, Hellioning. Quit that.

Well, I guess first on the agenda is seeing what those two are freaking the hell out about...skeletal ratmen? Wait a second...

Oh COME ON! They're both many, many levels below you on a small cliff AND you have a champion between them and you! The two of you better stop being wusses, they don't like wusses in the afterlife...THE AAAAAAFFTTEEERRRLIIIIIIFEEE WOOoooOOOooo!

Second is finding out just what the hell happened to the place while I was dead. The entire fortress is a giant maze of large, empty rooms, twisting labyrinths, quarries and stockpiles located in random hallways, large random square pits and waterways. I mean come on, this place is more confusing than the mountainhomes after a bender.

The hell is this place anyways? Oh, there's Tagplastic. I thought everyone said he was dead or something..or at least missing. Same thing around here. Anyways, this is pretty awesome. I mean there's biscuits and booze down here! Sure I don't need to eat anymore being a skeletal walking corpse, but that doesn't mean I won't do it.

....Uh, how the fuck do I get out of here anyways?

While i'm stuck in the twilight zone or wherever the hell iv'e ended up, I decided to look over the fortress stocks real quick. While we're the richest fortress iv'e ever seen..well..richest MORTAL fort..heh...we also seem to have alot of food as well. The problem? We're almost out of booze. We're almost out of fucking booze. You know how hard it is to be a zombie? Try being a SOBER zombie. I managed to find some and pour it down my neckhole but I think most of it went into my spine.

Hey, elves! Maybe they'll have some booze... I mean, they're always hanging out with plants and stuff... it''s over here...just hang a left and...or just sit there on the edge of our territory. Man, elves are pretty fucking stupid. I tried giving them the finger but it fell off.

Speaking of the trade depot, this thing was FULL of fresh meat and supplies like wood...but it was all forbidden! I ordered all of it to be carried inside before it spoils. What the hell have you guys been doing down here the entire time? I mean...I totally know! Because I was in the afterlife! Watching you! Mwahahaha!

And just what the hell is this!? This entire hallway is full of levers and stone mugs. I would try pulling the levers to see what they do but i'm afraid it'll cause a volcanic eruption or collapse the roof on me or unleash some sort of lovecraftian horror given the design of this place.

It's time to get this place in shape! I mean really, I don't need a map to get to the freaking dining room you know. I WAS supposed to come down here with a request from the afterlife to create something, but first we gotta fix this place up. Starting with...

Yes, that will do nicely. Now, create more beer...BEEEEEEEEEEEERRRR OoooOOoooOOoooooo! also, someone get me some +iron chain+ to rattle.