The warriors shamble up from the underworld, while the fortress remains unawares. But for the clatter of bones beneath their armor, there is nothing to suggest today is the last day of Headshoots.
The first blood belongs to a cow- Nemo casually decapitated it as the warriors began to stalk the hallways.
HaikuYouToo, a young child goes out to investigate and is instantly killed and thrown across the room by Nemo, and the first champion steps up to try and stop these creatures: Tyskill
Tyskill tries to strike Nemo while he's distracted, but he's casually blocked, and propelled through the air by the counterstrike.
... Smashing right into Holistic Detective. It seems Nemo doesn't have much respect for Holistic. The Ultimate Sword and the Ultimate Armor have fought on the same side their whole existence, but perhaps it is each other they are destined to fight...
Well for now they test themselves on the rest of the fortress champions. Nemo ambushes The Good Professor, stabbing him through, throwing him across the room, and then decapitating his unconscious body.
Meanwhile Holistic Detective is sick of Nemo's guff, and goes up several floors to topple some statues, where she's ambushed by two champions in quick succession- her first opponent is Traxus IV.
She brutally smashes Traxus IV with her backpack, preferring its slow sadistic nature to her quick and deadly axe. You'll notice Orange Soda II trying to sneak up on her... well, there are no pictures from the resulting encounter, just this abridged combat log to give you a taste of the brutality of Holistic Detective's fighting style:
That's 21 individual blows, for those who don't want to count. The first one knocked OrangeSoda II out... the rest were just savage rapid brutal blows with the bag. You see why Holistic Detective doesn't use the axe... it would be a mercy.
bashes in the right upper arm with her "giant rat leather backpack"! The Head Arrestsmith's right shoulder has been sprained! bashes in the right lower leg with her "giant rat leather backpack"! The Head Arrestsmith's right knee has been badly sprained! bashes in the head with her "giant rat leather backpack"! The Head Arrestsmith's neck has been badly bruised! bashes in the left upper arm with her "giant rat leather backpack"! bashes in the left upper arm with her "giant rat leather backpack"! bashes in the upper body with her "giant rat leather backpack"! bashes in the left foot with her "giant rat leather backpack"! The Head Arrestsmith's first toe, left foot has been bruised! The Head Arrestsmith's second toe, left foot has been badly bruised! The Head Arrestsmith's third toe, left foot has been badly bruised! The Head Arrestsmith's fourth toe, left foot has been bruised! The Head Arrestsmith's fifth toe, left foot has been badly bruised! bashes in the left upper arm with her "giant rat leather backpack"! The Head Arrestsmith's left shoulder has been sprained! bashes in the right foot with her "giant rat leather backpack"! The Head Arrestsmith's second toe, right foot has been bruised! bashes in the right foot with her "giant rat leather backpack"! bashes in the right hand with her "giant rat leather backpack"! The Head Arrestsmith's right wrist has been sprained! The Head Arrestsmith's first finger, right hand has been bruised! The Head Arrestsmith's third finger, right hand has been bruised! bashes in the left lower arm with her "giant rat leather backpack"! bashes in the lower body with her "giant rat leather backpack"! The Head Arrestsmith looks sick! The Head Arrestsmith's pancreas has been broken! The Head Arrestsmith's spleen has been badly bruised! The Head Arrestsmith's right kidney has been bruised! The Head Arrestsmith's left kidney has been broken! The Head Arrestsmith's lower spine has been badly bruised! `OrangeSoda II' Luslemlolor Borlonl†l Otung, Head Arrestsmith is more experienced. bashes in the right hand with her "giant rat leather backpack"! bashes in the left upper leg with her "giant rat leather backpack"! The Head Arrestsmith's left hip has been sprained! bashes in the left hand with her "giant rat leather backpack"! bashes in the lower body with her "giant rat leather backpack"! bashes in the right lower leg with her "giant rat leather backpack"! bashes in the left hand with her "giant rat leather backpack"! The Head Arrestsmith's left wrist has been badly sprained! The Head Arrestsmith's first finger, left hand has been badly bruised! The Head Arrestsmith's third finger, left hand has been broken! The Head Arrestsmith's fourth finger, left hand has been mangled! bashes in the lower body with her "giant rat leather backpack"! The Head Arrestsmith looks even more sick! The Head Arrestsmith's right kidney has been badly bruised! The Head Arrestsmith's lower spine has been broken! bashes in the lower body with her "giant rat leather backpack"! It explodes in gore! is propelled away by the force of the blow! `OrangeSoda II' Luslemlolor Borlonl†l Otung, Head Arrestsmith has been struck down.
While that's going on, Nemo is hunting down defenseless civilians, and reducing them to a red mist:
The Slaughter continues, as they both get used to the feel of dwarves dying at their hands:
Nemo pursues and cuts down craftdwarf V. Illyich L.
Holistic corners miner Tag Plastic and little FebrezeNinja- Tag Plastic uses the child as a decoy to escape... the child dies.
Untested Recruit Skey tries to confront Holistic, his upper body is collapsed into a lump of gore by Holistic's backpack... at least he tried.
Champion Rebuilt Box confronts Nemo, the first blow is blocked, and Nemo stabs through both his nose and neck at once
Box isn't finished yet. Nemo chops off three of his limbs before cutting him in two, here's an example of your standard Nemo combat log:
Back to Holistic Detective- the most dangerous Champion has already appeared. By raw strength, the champion Volmarias is the third strongest in the fortress... after Nemo2342 and Holistic Detective. This is going to be Holistic's most dangerous battle.
hacks at in the right lower leg with his *Obsidian short sword*! The right lower leg flies off in a bloody arc! hacks at in the right upper arm with his *Obsidian short sword*! The right upper arm flies off in a bloody arc! hacks at in the left upper arm with his *Obsidian short sword*! The left upper arm flies off in a bloody arc! hacks at in the right upper leg with his *Obsidian short sword*! It is cut! The Arrestsmith's right hip has been sprained! hacks at in the upper body with his *Obsidian short sword*! It is cloven asunder! is propelled away by the force of the blow! `Rebuilt Box' At¡ratul, Arrestsmith has been struck down.
Volmarias wields a metal boot, like Holistic wields his bag. I imagine Volmarias saw Holistic as something of a role model, and tried to mimic his fighting style. Well, now the student has to fight his master... or the soulless skeletal abomination his master has become. Boot vs. Bag.
Volmarias starts off strong, getting a solid blow in through Holistic's armor! Does he stand a chance? They spar with deadly seriousness, neither able to land a blow, but Volmarius can't last...
That's the end of the fight, but not the beating. SWATJester Redux makes a surprise lunge at Holistic while he's occupied, and gets crippled by the counter attack. Holistic turns back to Volmarias and strikes him with his bag again and again and again... and again. Oh god... he just won't stop... How much can poor Volmarias take?
In the end Volmarias takes 25 blows before Holistic lines up a big strong one to launch him into the air. Before he even lands, Holistic turns his attention back to SWATJester, still writhing in agony.
Five rapidfire blows and SWATJester's lower body collapses into a lump of gore and he gets smashed down the hallway- amazingly Volmarias' body is still lazily tumbling through the air. It must be a high arc, as it's traveling much slower than SWATJester's...
Did you see that? He totally just beaned that cow with SWATJester's body- like pow smashed it good. And all before Volmarias' body hit the ground.
I swear, no one better make fun of Holistic for fighting with a bag, because even if you're the strongest dwarf in the fortress he can use it to kill you and bean a cow with a fresh corpse before you hit the ground. Damn.
Holistic purses the stunned calf and Tag Plastic. Tag Plastic again uses an innocent as a shield and tries to escape, this time it's useless, Holistic tracks Tag Plastic down and beats him mercilessly- 12 blows before the release of death.
Nemo meanwhile massacres more civilians by the food stockpile:
SpookyLizard II looses two limbs before his head.
Athletes Footnote is cut in two with a single blow.
Tinny_Tim is cornered in the farms and is decapitated in one move.
Golgozor is cloven in twain by the depot- Nemo doesn't see the merchants, unfortunately- they live to take a pot shot at him.
Holistic kills a few animals, and then explodes Marxgorm with her backpack. Explodes. There's bit's of Marxgorm all over the hallway now.
He snuffs out Greatbadger more neatly.
The two, though on opposite sides of the fortress, take a break to have a statue toppling contest. Holistic wins 4:2
These guys just hate statues.
Holistic continues his killing spree:
IMlemon only withstands three blows- coincidentally, blown into three parts upon impact with the wall
Lackloss lures Holistic into the small old barracks... this won't end well. He takes four blows, then dies.
NiceAaron is the next on the list, 7 blows.
FlockofMice tries to get in a sucker punch, but is blocked and crippled by the counterstrike. Holistic kills a few cows before getting back to him... But FlockofMice is having none of that! He manages to step on Holistic (forcing him to the ground) and get another strike in!
FlockofMice, you are the best. You had no skills, no status. You were just a lowly peasant, you didn't even get a fun profession name, until I gave you one: Hero. Why is FlockofMice a hero? He tried. Against insurmountable odds, he tried. While everyone else simply ran and was bagged down, you stood up and fought. You, and you alone. Two dwarves in this whole massacre even touched Holistic- the Ultimate remaining champion Volmarias, and meek peasant FlockofMice.
He died in two blows, but he gave as many as he took.
Holistic goes to finish off a couple resting wounded dwarves- Mortal Sword and Phrog III. They're each killed with a single blow to the head... I guess Holistic was feeling merciful (though Phrog III is still plastered on the wall pretty well).
Munin does something notable by going stark raving mad. Turns out Holistic killed his dog, and Nemo eviscerated a guy right in front of him. Poor guy.
That makes me thing a bit... Let's take the spotlight off our Skeletal Deathsmiths, and have a look at the impact of this massacre on the civilians.
Here we have four defenseless dwarves. The pampered countess consort, Otsp and the two infants she caries with her, Whitecloak II and Nippythefish, as well as an unrelated child she's brought with her, Oni Elem. They've fled from the screams of terror and maniacal laughter surrounding the skeletal champions, and are seeking refuge on top of the mountain, under a small outcropping near where the wagon once stood that brought the original seven dwarves to Headshoots. They huddle together with the donkeys, hoping not to draw any attention to themselves.
The count is dead, and Oni Elem has lost his best friend... and his parents. He's not doing so well, and mostly just quietly weeps. Otsp is more resolute, as she's determined to live for the sake of her children. If there's any sort of loving god in this world, surely this poor innocent group will be spared...
As soon as the skeletal warrior's blood stained bones are visible, they run away as fast as they can. But Holistic Detective is faster.
He strikes down the donkeys with his bag right and left, leaving a trail of blood and gore behind him. Oni Elem trips. Otsp can't afford to look back. She doesn't hesitate, for the sake of her own children.
Holistic leaves him there to suffocate. His rib cage was crushed in by the bag leaving his chest a bloody gurgling mass. He desperately tries to breath, but it just results in a sick squelching sound in his wound. He knows he'll be dead soon. He wishes it were sooner.
Otsp has gained a little ground. In her heart, she's glad for the distraction Oni provides. Part of her knows she should feel bad about that, but she doesn't. Her life, her children... she doesn't care about anything else.
That crimson, clattering, splattering, blood soaked, skeletal monstrosity is gaining on her fast. Crash, crash, crash- every rapid step it takes an unnatural cacophony of poorly fitted armor on raw bone. She closes her eyes tight as she runs, but that only makes her more conscious of how much closer it sounds with each step. She can almost feel it breathing down her neck. She turns her head and opens one eye to check when...
The creature had taken a wide swing and caught her baby in the chest, and off it flew. She stumbled as she watched it cartwheel threw the air, spinning end over end, blood spraying out of the tiny beings mangled remains. It landed with a sickening squelch. Her baby. Her Nippythefish. He was dead.
She had to save Whitecloak II... she had to, but... Holistic detective was on her already. He smashes her head into her body... an unrecognizable mass.
Holistic Detective takes her time with Whitecloak II, primarily smashing her limbs and extremities- breaking almost all her fingers and toes before finally killing her.
Several minutes later, Oni Elem mercifully suffocates.
I... I can't help but feel responsible... I've unleashed this thing. All of a sudden destroying the fortress doesn't feel all that cool anymore...
What's left is primarily mopping up.
Nemo has been busy down by the food stockpile. He slices off three of Bobbin Threadbare's fingers before chopping him in half. The backstroke catches Clamps McGraw, who was trying to sneak up on Nemo. Hs upper body was cloven asunder. Robert_Deadford, the last of our non-crippled military has a go at Nemo. He loses his lower body, gasps and then dies. Fly Molo is minced somewhere in there too.
Holistic returns to the fortress and goes to town on the child Spoonboy... Oh god, he's still going... and still at it... Sweet christ, that poor kid.
21. That kid survived 21 blows. Only champions have approached that level...
More mopping up. Holistic puts Munin the mad out of his misery. 2 strikes. She finishes off some cows and a few statues... when veekie bursts out of a door, much to his misfortune. A single blow to the head finishes him. Kennel II proves no more resilient, and dies shortly after.
Not many dwarves left. Ralius wanders the hallways putting body parts in tombs, appertain unaware the skeletal chamipons still stalk the halls... He is made aware by a single blow from Holistic's bag.
We're down to one and the cripples. It seems as if
Oh. That explains it. For those of you with a very good memory, this is the maze leading to the Room Outside of Space. It's a room that cannot be found unless a dwarf is in it and you zoom to him. I don't know who made it, perhaps no one did. It's very mysterious. And Gex is a crafty bugger, as he's brought berries down there with him, and is now taking a nap... on the rock floor. I mean, he can get to a bed, but he's making sure to stay hidden in this room.
That dwarf really, really wants to live. He's so keen on self preservation that he's breaking his programing as I know it. After the emotional drain of the consort incident, I'm feeling merciful.
Gex can live.
But what of our champions. They still have unfinished business... with each other. Now where have they gotten themselves off to?
This is Headshoots:
Linked for potential table breakage, but you're really going to want to have a look at it.
To your left, that blue edifice is the old entrance. That's the mouth of the old WEAPON system. I myself was the only one to actually deploy it... on our own dwarves, as it happened. On the horizon you'll notice Tribute, over the lake of lava, and attached to it is a lavaduct, making it WEAPONTRIBUTE . Where it ends is the current entrance to our fortress. But the reason I took this picture is the structure in the foreground. It's been there for years, unused. It was an unfinished project- a ruin that was never anything but a ruin. I think the original plans had a fountain on top, but it's seen nothing but wind and rain. After construction ceased, no one ever went up there again... until now.
Now, Holistic Detective and Nemo2342 stand, face to face, a thick layer of blood covering both their fleshless skulls. A thick layer of sin covering their soulless hearts.
The setting sun glints off of their blood-caked armor. Holistic Detective hefts her bag. Nemo2342 wipes uselessly at the vomit an ichor dulling his obsidian sword.
Beneath the layers of grime and ooze, the breastplate of Holistic Detective, Trailmachines The Fellowship of Right, still bears the image of that old nemesis, Landslantern the fire imp. Landslantern died over a decade ago. Headshoots died earlier that day.
And now, here in the crimson evening sky, a champion will die.
The dwarves both became filled with an unnatural rage as they charged at one another.
Nemo started off quick, his swordsmanship really showing, as he got off two blows on Holistic's left arm, the second one taking off Holistic's left hand. Holistic was now without a shield, and had no defense against the coming blows... no defense except a set of Artifact Adamanine plate mail, that is.
Nemo's next furious blow was straight to the head- stabbed clean through. It would have been fatal if Holistic Detective were not undead. The next blow through the gut was similarly useless.
Nemo2342 made a vicious charge at Holistic Detective, knocking her over and cutting off her right hand.
Holistic Detective looked to be in dire straights, she hadn't landed a single blow all fight, and had already lost both hands. Her trademark bag fell 16 floors to the earth below.
But it was far from over.
Holistic Detective Bit Nemo2342 In the Head! Yes, you read that right- Nemo cut off both of Holistic Detectives hands, so she fought with her teeth.
Nemo broke free, but Holistic continued, making a go at his hand, before latching on with her jaw to his ribcage.
Nemo attacked Holistic's useless stub of an arm, but it was too late. Holistic summoned the strength of her whole body and violently shook at Nemo around, completely shattering his ribcage.
His arms and head crumpled to the ground, lifelessly.
Holistic Detective had won.
And Headshoots was gone.