Part 117: Globofglob: Update 10
Freudian Slip has claimed a magma forge.
My next interview was with my Captain, Perfect Potato. I haven't actually met her yet, sadly, due to her various injuries.
Mangled lung, back injury, broken ribs, she's really a mess. And she's absolutely perfect. She's been laid up a little longer than me though, so her healing could cause a quite a bit of suspicion. But it could also garner support. It'll be fun, either way.
It is pretty annoying that I have to actually travel to her room to see her. Doing the previous interviews in the middle of the adamantine field gave a great atmosphere to the whole thing.
"Hello, Perfect Potato. I hear you applied to join my new guard." I said, closing the door behind me. I don't want any damn eavesdroppers.
"Yes, I did."
"Well, let's forego meaningless formalities. You've no doubt heard of my miraculous, "recovery", as you mentioned in your application letter."
"Fuck yes, I did. Look at me! I can't ever wipe my own arse! I'm tired of this. I know you were supposed to be dead. I heard the screams from when you were killed, I heard the yells, I signed the damn paperwork. I don't know how the fuck you're still alive, but I want in on it."
I didn't think it would be this easy. I mean, she's probably one of the few in the fortress who actually noticed my death, so I thought she'd be a bit more suspicious.
"It will be easy enough to have you up and drinking again. Tonight I'll have a few people bring your bed down to the depths to begin the operation. You might be a bit sore, but you'll be better than new within the week."
"Thanks Glob! I knew I could count on yout! What do you mean by the "depths", though?"
"The Adamantine fields."
"So this "procedure" has to do with adamantine, then?"
"Well...Yes, it does."
"Meh, whatever. As long as I'm healed, I really don't care what's behind it."
"You might want to keep this with you, too. The idol's for good luck, and it will help your injuries from getting worse in the meantime. Think of it as a gift."
"Damn! This thing is nice! It must be worth a fortune!"
"See you tonight, Perfect Potato."
"Cya tonight, Globofglob." She says. She's taken with the idol. It was a good idea to give it to her now, after all.
"So, do you want to know anything about your new position? Or should we discuss your new quarters?"
"I want to know what this "New Guard" does, first."
"The New Guard is a peacekeeping unit designed to guard the fort from internal threats."
"Isn't that what the old guard did?"
"I am not talking about simple crime, Smuggins. Hammerer Daeren is good enough discouragement of that. I am talking about treason."
"My second-in-command, Silento Bobarachi, has recently informed me that some individuals have been plotting to overthrow my rule due to my pro-adamantine stance."
"And...Why didn't you get either guard to deal with this? Or the military"
"I had determined a restructuring of the guard is necessary, to weed out traitors. The military cannot be distracted from the defense of our fort."
"And what will happen to these so called "traitors"?"
"They will be jailed, of course, if determined guilty of crimes. Possibly executed, if their crimes are severe."
"And how will execution work?"
"Execution will be voted on by the majority of the fort. If the majority is in favor of death, the prisoner will be executed in whichever form the public would find most entertaining."
"So, you're changing traditional dwarven law code to suit your ends."
"Not my ends, to serve the fortress better. We simply cannot fight threats from both within and outside at once. It's for the common good."
"Well, if it's for the common good..."
"I assure you, Smuggins, no dwarf shall be considered for these punishments unless significant evidence of foul play is discovered, and several witnesses testify against them. Adamantium can only help this fortress, and it needs to be protected from those who would sabotage it's production."
"You aren't planning to smelt it, are you? You know that's forbidden."
"How the hell would I smelt it? The magma's too cold here, everything's to cold. It's physically impossible to smelt it in Syrupleaf."
"Very well then, I'll join."
"No more questions, Smuggins?"
"None, Globofglob. I believe your intentions are pure. Farewell."
"Before you go, take this idol with you. It's for good luck. Don't worry, it's tax-free."
"Tax Free!? How did you get Eiba to agree to that?"
"I have connections. Farewell, Smuggins."
"I'm sorry to hear you were unhappy with the lack of work last season."
"It's horrible. I came here thinking it would be in the middle of a forest, ya know? With a name like Syrupleaf, how could it not be? But it turns out it's in the middle of a fucking glacier! Ever since I arrived, I've been stuck hauling. And in the rare cases I do get to make something, it's always a Bed. Nothing else, no, we can't spare some of the shitload of wood we have to give me something interesting to do, it's always a damn bed!"
"I came here as a Siege Operator. My experiences in Syrupleaf have been much the same."
"Anyway, what's this about the New Guard? Do we have to wear uniforms? Sign a contract in blood? Swear our everlasting souls to you, Globofglob, the great leader? Or are you a leader willing to stop the horrid injustice of Guard brutality! And don't get me started about the Hammerer.."
"It's nothing like that, TowerofOil, nothing like that. There will be no uniforms, you are free to wear whatever you like. Likewise, you are free to leave the guard whenever you want. In fact, here have this idol, as a goodwill gift."
"HA! I KNEW IT! NO OVERSEER IS UNCORR- Is that adamantine?"
"Yes, it is."
"This thing is beautiful! Look at the design, look at the quality! The Spawn of Holistic bones contrast beautifully with the Obsidian!"
"I plan to shower the fortress with such, er, beauty, with the help of the New Guard. Sadly, there are many boring, stogy old traditionalists who would disagree with the use of adamantine, even in it's base form, for use in any artistic pursuits.I'm afraid these people would even launch our fort into civil war to stop us."
"Count me in! No way am I letting some warmongering old bastards take control of this fort and run it into the ground!"
"Thank you for your support, TowerofOil. Now if you excuse me, I must be going."
"Hello, Spermy Smurf. How are you?"
"I'm doing quite well, thank you. But I would prefer to know exactly what this New Guard is."
"Essentially, Silento Bobarachi tells me that there have been rumors of dissent within the fortress, and some might try to incite civil war to stop me from producing adamantine.You have faced the spawn, you see how disasterous a civil war would be to our morale. We would all die, to be frank."
"Why would anyone try that? Don't they see we can barely fight against the spawn? How can we possibly fight on two fronts?
"This is why I need the New Guard. To stop such an occasion."
"Very well. I've spent the entirety of my time at this fortress helping to defend it. All our resources must be concentrated on stopping the spawn. These dissenters cannot be allowed to continue,"
"Also, here's a gift, Spermy. It's for good luck in the upcoming battle."
"Thank you, globofglob. Goodbye."
"Goodbye, Spermy Smurf."
Perfect Potato wrote :-
The room of Perfect Potato, Potato can be heard talking to herself, trying to keep occupied during her aching and feverish fits
Smug motherfuckin, baboon butt lovin, elephant humpin ugly frankenstein son of bitch thinks he's better than me! Ooooh I can walk and I don't wallow in me own filth, look at me! Pah, horse's arse. Think he all high an mighty now that he be an overseer. What garbage! He was picked by a daft fool in a game of chance, and now anyone with any sense and two tacks to rub together can see that Silentio's taking control of things. Rightly so, I may say as one thing that fuddy prick knows well is order, an any dwarven fortress that wants ta be the least bit profitable needs some goddamn order! People always say oooh he's creepy, he's smelly, his glasses are stupid, why is he hiding down here in a corner, but we all have our eccentricities and none of us are worse off for it. And if he actually is from the Parasol corporation then all the better, because I know those uptight rats run a proper ship. And now here's this glob fool, back from the bleeding dead, and he thinks he know better than me, and better than Parasol. Bloody idiot. I'd finished the job on 'im if I thought would do any good. He was fucking split in two by Milev and 'is guts were everywhere. Milev saw it, I saw it, and, well, Sirocco saw something I suppose but two be more than enough. It must be more of Silentio's brilliant work. Parasol's always been huge in the medicinal field, and 'wouldn't surprise me if they concocted some brew that could put even Horfy Dorfy back together again. Whatever brought his sorry ass from the Spawning Abyss, is what I goddamn need and fast. I have no desire to see what it's like on the other side.
Struggling to leave the bed, she makes a daring effort but strength fails her and she declares a half-victory as she sits, bones aching, on the side of her bed
Aaaarrghhh, fuck fuck fuck. This is all that sonuvabitch Sirocco's fault. Who in their right mind would give a gaggle of peasants and workers blasted weaponry and tell them to go nuts!? Those of us in the Royal Guard not brutally maimed are only so by sheer fucking luck. When I be well enough ta reach fer me tablet you can better believe I am putting that brain addled fool on the list. How this fortress survived a year with that blaggard at the helm I'll never know. They say that dwarves light in the head don't be light in the fist though, so I may be suited to leaving well enough alone as long as the simpleton doesn't find 'imself in a position of power again. He did give me my position, and he's a doll in the training hall, but no one should be that bleeding stupid! No one. 'im and globula would make a terrific pair I'm sure. Heh. Glob be terrible at the art of the mind, as well now that I think of it!
Calming down a tad, she reaches over and grabs the idol from where last it was left
Decent taste, though. Seeing this glittering shiny thing puts me mind at ease a tad. This trinket has to be worth a fortune! Now this, this is why I risked me dwarven parts coming to this frozen hellhole. None of this prestige bullshit guarding some bitch of a queen that's probably already been replaced back in real civilization, that's not fer me. If we were anywhere I could actually do it, I'd sell the vindictive girl into slavery though I doubt any would believe she be dwarven nobility. No, that's not fer me. Any dwarf worth 'is weight in salt values one thing, and that be wealth! Wealth in all its sweet, shiny forms! Who needs honor, who needs prestige and nobility!? Becoming wealthy is what every right-minded dwarf strives for!
Sensing a bit of warmth in her legs, she hops to her feet and feels a wave of energy from somewhere give her strength
Between being in the New Guard, having priceless relics like this, getting a lucrative cut of the vast quantities of adamantium in the mines, and keeping tabs on glob for Silentio and anyone else willin to pay, I'm going to be the richest dwarf in the entire kingdom! Ho ho ho ho hoshishitfuck right right. The spine and lungs, that's right. Better lay back in me shitpile. Could've sworn me bones came back to life there for a minute though.
Smuggins wrote :-
*Letter recieved by family, attached to a still frozen stone bottle of liquid*
I know it has been some time since my last letter and I know I could say the Sand(Snow) Raiders or Giants or War Moles or the Spawn of Hell itself have kept old ones from you but that's not how you raised me.
I know dad raised me to be the son he actually had but disowned for getting into that shaving fetish group, (have you heard from him at all?) but there have been zero oportunities for working with fish. Unless I want to carve them from
Raider Bo.. adaman.. bloody rock!
So I've been hauling, mucking about and finally got to work a little with the brewers, facinating! Although due to the teaching of Pa I've been preoccupied with a fish based drink. Enclosed is a sample of my last attempt, If is not thawed out by the time it gets to you leave it in the sun for 2 full days. I was told it was a fearfully dangerous failure, but I like the taste.
Anyway, you may have heard that the queen in all her dworfish glory is at our fortress. YES! I haven't seen here much and of course I would NEVER talk above my station but to heck with peoples compaints about royalty, I think she's the motivation we need for a fine outpost.
But enough gushing, your medium sized daughter has been picked for great things as of late and I have started training for a special guard detachment. I was dubious at first about our current overseer's plan but you have to trust our leadership at times.
Things are looking up!
Dirt5o8 wrote :-
Scanning mineral contents of target area: Syrupleaf
ALERT! Adamantine found: Strike the Earth!
Warning: Alcohol levels red
"What in Armok's name is that?"
Every Dwarf in the hall stopped whatever they were doing to stare slack-jawed at the...thing that shambled through the door with a keg of Rum held under it's arm.
Taking no notice of it's audience, the Dwarf-bot ambled into a corner, tapped the keg with one moley claw and upended it into a funnel it had stuck into it's mouth hole.
Five of Eight analyzed the surroundings as it refueled. Noting the lack of any worthwhile ore to be mined it finished it's keg, cut massive robot wind, crushed the keg on it's forehead and ambled out the door again.
Skullbuggy wrote :-
Freudian Slip had held out his new masterpiece hammer. It looked... odd, to say the least.
"Well, uh, Freudian," Skullbuggy said, uneasily, "I can't help but notice that... well, when you hold it a certain way..."
"... It looks a bit like-"
Screaming Idiot walked in. He turned to Freudian Slip and patted him on the back. "Nice job ye did there, Freu-jin Slip! It don't really matter that it look like a dick, it's the thought that counts!"
Freudian Slip went pale. "Armok dammit!" He walked off, muttering about dwarves 'not appreciating art' or somesuch.
"He's a good guy," said Screaming Idiot.
Skullbuggy stood at the drawbridge, looking out at the night sky. To him it looked particularly beautiful--the deep blue dotted by gems of white, sparkling and casting their light upon the earth. It made him feel happy, like he used to be.
Coming here was his biggest mistake. He never should have left the Mountainhome, no matter how much he wanted to help out a small colony in need. If he knew he was going to deal with sand raiders, frost giants, and THEM , he would have never bothered. He was safer near the forests, when the worst thing to come around was a jaguar, or perhaps some sort of coyote. At least you could shoot those with a single bolt and be done with it.
The ice was cold and inhospitable. It was a miracle that any dwarf survived up here. Skullbuggy knew it was unsafe, and he had his doubts about staying. He contemplated taking his bags and leaving with others who shared his sentiments-
Silento Boborachi walked up to him. "Lovely evening we're having tonight, aren't we?"
Skullbuggy turned around quickly and saw the tall dwarf, possibly glaring at him from behind those awful spectacles. "Y-yes, of course," said Skullbuggy, quickly.
Skullbuggy assumed that the next words coming out of Silento's mouth would be, "you weren't thinking about leaving, were you?" or, "but Udibgovos is such a nice place! I can't see you leaving in its prime!" or something like that.
"I was just wondering where you were. Your office was empty," said Silento.
"Oh, right..." Skullbuggy said, somewhat puzzled at Silento's cordiality. "I was just watching the stars. I remember seeing them at my old Mountainhome, you see..."
"I always wanted to be the one who mapped out the stars," said Skullbuggy. "I just want to know what's out there..."
"Well, for now, you are needed as Village Manager," said Silento. "If it's alright, I'd like you back at your office."
"A-alright," said Skullbuggy. He wasn't the Overseer any longer, but Silento had that aura about him, a sort of intimidating presence. Both of them left the fortress' front door.
KEEP AWAY FOR NOW. WE'RE NOT READY.