The Let's Play Archive

Dwarf Fortress - Syrupleaf

by Various

Part 227: Pozzo: Update 2

Update 2: Nippythefish Akreledem 'The Ashamed Ink of Ravens', Captain of the Royal Guard

First of granite. Always hated the first of granite. Something about the New Year, something that riled 'em up, made 'em bold. Those criminals, those damn criminals, everywhere. New Year riled 'em up; they'd commit more crimes. Second of granite, well, that was just as bad. Hated that day too. Whole month of granite, really. A criminal month. They got ideas. Bold ideas, when they got riled-up. This is saying nothing o' the months of Felsite and Sandstone, though. Those months riled 'em right up. The summer heat that did it. "Glacial cold my ass!" I used to say, "Must be hot! Look at all 'em damn criminals out there, riled-up! It's the heat doing it, making them bold, riling 'em up!" They got so bold in those months. And Moonstone! Don't get me started on winter. Riled-up criminals everywhere, running amok. Boldly. Those bastards.

I started the first of granite like I always did. 4600 squats, 5500 bench presses. Worked my delts a bit. Then I'd go find NiceAaron and beat up on him. Or maybe he'd beat up on me. Spar for a while. Then I'd go check out the front of the barracks, maybe the top of the stairs. Make sure there were no criminals there. There usually were, but they wouldn't commit crimes while I was around. Bastards. Made 'em tougher to catch. I wouldn't stay long because NiceAaron would be waiting for our mid-morning spar. I'd spar with him for a bit. Then I'd go get a drink, maybe go on break. I'd always check for criminals then too, but they'd all be making like they were innocent some more. Making bone bolts or some crap. Bastards. I'd try not to take too long on my break because by that time Chance II would be up at the barracks waiting with Nice Aaron for our first 3-way spar of the day.

Anyway. First of granite. 152. Up in the barracks. Squat # 3746. Huge bang comes from the east barracks wall. Realise that the east wall isn't there anymore. Big arched doorway there instead of the east wall. Looks like it's been there a while. Obviously the work of criminals. Investigation has to wait; bang and flash probably mean more criminals about. Run out through east barracks door. Leads to the bone hoard. A pair of criminals are siting in a cloud of smoke in the middle of the bone hoard, talking. I run over. Shout "You're under arrest!" Seems to be the Mayor-criminal and another criminal I've seen around. Always with bones. Bone-criminal? Bones are probably stolen. Yeah. Bone-criminal. Bone-criminal and Mayor-criminal keep talking as I run over. Bone-criminal is helping Mayor-criminal to his feet. "You! Bone-criminal! Put that dwarf down! He's a criminal! He's under arrest! You're under arrest!" Voices behind me. Other guards coming through, and more criminals. Then the bosses. Pretty much all the fort, after a while, apart from the criminals I had already caught who were lying tied up all over the place in cages with broken arms... I think. Never really checked after I beat 'em and chained 'em. Bossman Febreezeninja walks over. Bossman Moleboy behind him. Moleboy opens mouth to speak. Heart skips a beat: Maybe he's got a criminal for me to beat up? "What in TARNATION happened here, girl?" drawls Moleboy. Disappointment. Maybe next time. Bone-criminal replies. I sneer at her as she does. "Something happened to Bob. He was on fire and now he's talking funny"
Mayor-criminal starts up now. "I say, what would a chap have to do to get a whisky around here?" He looks around at everyone. All the criminals and bossmen look stunned and confused. "Uuuh." says one.

Day went stranger from then on. I blame the mayor-criminal. Got riled up. Riled everyone up. One of the little-criminals ran to get him whiskey and bone-criminal and stone-criminal hauled him up to the dining room. Halfway up the stairs he began slapping them away and crying out "Unhand me you blighters, I can walk myself!" I grinned. Finally! "Assault!" I cried and raised my hammer. Before I could administer any justice though the Moleboy jumped up and pulled my hammer down. "Disorderly conduct!" I cried. He told me to stop. Bastard. Noted to self that criminals may be hiding amongst bossmen.

Mayor-criminal sat in the dining hall for a while, drank his whiskey barrel. Muttered to himself occasionally. Everyone watched on in hushed silence. After he finished the barrel he chucked it against the wall across from him and stood up on the table. "Righto! I gather you're all of you actually here, so please allow me to introduce myself! My name is...well come on fellow, speak up... ah! My name is Bobthethurd, apparently, and I am your...what? OH! Well that's going to facilitate things! I am your mayor! Marvellous, I say, bloody marvellous. 13 years incumbent! You old dog! Dragon, what? Well done. Tip top job, tip top. Anyway, given...Todjarnu was it? Tosaaaanu? Tosaaaanu! Given Tosaaaaanu seems to have died or disappeared or exploded or some such I will be assuming the command of this fortress and leading the charge against the army of spores that are...what? Oh! How quaint! ...the army of spawn that are approaching from the south!" Everyone gasped. Gasped like criminals. I tightened my grip on my hammer.
"What spawn, how do you know?!" cried Bossman Febreezeninja.
"Oh, dear me, I thought you knew! I saw them on the way down, as it were; there's something of a force amassing a few hundred miles or so south of here at the pole! Hundreds of them. Thousands even! There are a lot. Figure the blighters are preparing for one massive push up into the civilised world, try and wipe us all out. You - and by 'you' I of course should now say 'we' - are the first bastion of civilisation that stands in their way, and so it falls to us to delay them off long enough for the rest of the clods up north to get their act together and get ready to defend themselves! Hah ha! The main force are months away themselves, I'd wager, what with all these mountains and seas to traverse and such, but it seems that there is an advance scouting party on its way here who'll get here in about two weeks. Snow-bitten little gape-faces that they are, they do look rather silly, out on that glacier with nothing on but a smile and a wave. Hah ha! Do you see what I did there? "Smile and a wave", you know, they've got those claws, and the huge mouths, and....well they don't wear clothes, you see, and...oh, none of you get it." The room had fallen into stunned silence. Again. Damn sneaky criminals, they were always this silent.

OOC: Yeah sorry about the lack of game. Next update will be all systems go, and it's coming as soon as I get the waffleimages sorted! This is just to tide you over to then. That update shouldn't take longer than an hour to get up.