Part 68: Sirocco: Update 3
Sirocco's Year: Part Three
Well met, journal, you dusty old thing! Hey, you've got an injured spine... JUST LIKE ME!!! Ha ha ha! I spent all week thinking that one up.
Before I start, I have some wonderful news! Firos, champion of Syrupleaf, has just had another baby! In honour of the Syrupleaf becoming a mountainhome and Queen Sankis she and MysticalHaberdasher decided to name her new daughter TremendousMajestic. A fitting name, ha ha ha!
But on to more pressing matters! We needed more guards, and fast! I looked over our supplies records to see what armour and weapons could be distributed when I noticed something odd. I called Jazzimus to my office.
'Hey, Jazzimus, I was looking through your records when I came across something really weird.'
'What is it?!' the dwarf asked. 'Did I get the numbers wrong?! They can't be wrong, I double-checked them, triple-checked them, the voices, the voices...'
'Ha ha ha, no, I just wanted to ask - did you really count every single rock on the entire mountain?!'
'Neat. Anyway, it also says here that last summer a donkey gave birth to four foals...'
'How is that even possible? Unless it was a really big donkey. But I think they're called horses aren't they?!'
'That's what happened,' said Jazzimus, folding his arms.
'OK!' I said and put my hand up for a high five but he ignored it. 'Anyway, I've got some stuff to do, could you tell Skullbuggy to come see me if you bump into him? I've got a few orders to give out.'
Say hello to our brand new fortress and royal guard!
Perfect Potato is our new Captain of the Royal Guard! 64bitrobot complained about this saying that he was captain of the WHOLE guard but I didn't think it looked as neat. We've got lots of fantastic steel weapons but not much armour so I'm going to be trying to get our armourers to churn out as many chain mails as possible. A look at our stocks told me that most of what we already had was leather - which won't be much good if the spawn get inside the fortress somehow will it?! Ha ha ha!
Anyway, here's the full roster for future reference:
Perfect Potato - Axedwarf, Captain of the Royal Guard
Veekie - Axedwarf
Nuvan - Axedwarf
Recursive - Axedwarf
Globofglob - Hammerdwarf
64bitrobot - Hammerdwarf, Captain of the Guard
FlocksOfMice - Swordsdwarf, Sergeant-At-Arms (he insisted on a special title since he was around longer)
Nippythefish - Axedwarf
A124! - Hammerdwarf
NiceAaron - Axedwarf
CannonFodder - Hammerdwarf (let's hope he doesn't live up to his name, ha ha ha!)
Chance II - Hammerdwarf
VikingOfRock - Hammerdwarf
Uncle Jam - Marksdwarf
Dragon Jones - Marksdwarf, Dragon Hunter (boy was he narked when he found out we'd already killed a dragon, ha ha ha!)
I've also started reconstruction of the golden road after Dash Magnum wrecked it... it's so sad when beautiful things are ruined for everyone.
But in its own way destruction is creation so we shouldn't be too hard on the poor fella! I have my own projects to oversee...
Seriously, journal, this is gonna be the best summerhouse ever!!!
Screaming Idiot wrote :-
"That Sir Rocko's a damn nice fella," Screaming Idiot mused as he puffed away on his cigar. "A lil' elfy, but a stand-up feller nonetheless. I'm thinkin' 'e'll be right good fer tha lot of us."
Skullbuggy held his face in his hands. "Why do I keep sitting with you at lunch?"
"I walked by 'im in tha 'alls, yeh know," Idiot said around his foul-smelling cigar, "'ad a chat with 'im, I did. Told me that me pumps are the 'eart o' tha fortress--jus' like I tol' tha lot o' yeh!--an' that I'll always be 'round ta keep 'em a-goin'. 'E even liked me badger-powered pumpination lever mechanisisisms. Asked if 'e could come 'round an' pet tha little buggers some time! I obliged o' course, I knocked out all their teeths so's they cannae bite as 'ard so it'd be perfectly safe-like."
"What did you make that cigar out of?"
"Then me an' tha wee-ones took a trip ta see tha moles. Fine beasties, ain't they? An' so useful! Yeh can train 'em ta fight, roast their meat fer food, use their hides fer clothin', their bones for carvin--ol' Manny's pleased 'bout that, 'e is!--an' a whole bunch o' things! I even came up with a few uses o' me own!
"Wanna 'ear 'bout 'em?"
Skullbuggy glared. "No."
"Bah, yeh know ya do, laddy!" Screaming Idiot blew a cloud of the foul-smelling smoke into Skullbuggy's face, causing the unfortunate bookkeeper to cough violently. The foul, half-mad dwarf's breath combined the the acrid smoke nearly made him wretch. "I was bemoanin' tha lack o' suitable smokables in this bloody frozen 'ole when I noticed that we 'ad a surplus o' writin' papers. An' then I noticed tha moles an' their usefulness. We can make clothes, food, an' tools from 'em, so why not some fine cigars?
"But what could I smoke? I tried their hair, an' while it makes a wonderful incense, it lacks that kick I be accustomed ta, y'know? Then I tried grinded bone powder, but I got tha same result. So finally, after a lotta thinkin' an' a lotta booze, I came up with tha perfect solution! Oh my, ye're gonna love this, Skully!"
Skullbuggy opened his mouth to tell the talkative cretin exactly how much he didn't want to hear, but he soon realized that he'd just draw out the conversation longer. "I'm all ears."
"I needed somethin' pungent, somethin' plentiful, and most importantly somethin' nobody else woulda thought up!" The dwarf's manic grin grew wide. "A smokeable ta end all smokeables!
"Dried, powdered mole dung!" Screaming Idiot guffawed. "Aye! Those beasties, they got a pretty exotic diet! Before we catch 'em they eat all sorts o' underground funguses an' all sorts o' other sunless plantlife. All them spores an' whatnot get mixified and compoundulated in their guts an' their dung, as a result, produces a powerful odor and texture that when properly dried an' smoked produces a cigar of such exceptionational quality that it brings tears ta tha eyes! It relaxes an' energizes, puts pep in yer step an' joy in yer 'eart!" He waggled his thick, black, bushy eyebrows.
Skullbuggy was mortified. "You mean you're smoking... what? Why would you even do that?"
"Well, weren't yeh listenin'? Bah, it donnae matter, I've already made cases o' tha stuff an' it's gonna be distributated all 'round tha fortress. Soon everybody's gonna get a taste o' Screamy's Blend!" The pump operator reached forward and patted the other dwarf on his shoulder, the soot and grease on his fingers staining the otherwise-spotless violet cloth. "An' tha best part is I put yer name on it 'long with me own, since as one o' me bestest buddies ever can cash in onnit too! Ain'tcha excited? Maybe excited enough to forgive all them taxes what I owe?"
The noble sat there speechless, eyes wide, jaw agape.
Screaming Idiot took the cigar out of his mouth and offered it to Skullbuggy with a wink. "Want a hit, laddy?"