Da Hidden Dance Floor
Chapter 34 Alternate
Mayan Secrets Glitch
40/41 Alternate (Vimeo backup)
Hide & Seek
Ice Skate Contest
Let's Play Glitchy Fahrenheit - Intro
DUCK SOUP Texture Glitch
Original SS test post
"A kid is on fire. Great!" by zedprime
The Magic Lucas
by The Dark Id
by Baby on Board!
Competition Winner - brehonia
Chapter 1 - Mayans
Carla fiddled with the knob for a while before coming upon something she liked (this story is completely work-safe, btw). It seemed like every other radio station was playing nothing but that Theory of a Dead Man emo rubbish, so she was relieved (+5) to find some nondescript porn music to listen to. She started heading to the kitchen on the other side of her New York apartment for lunch - she wasn't hungry yet, but the journey always gave her an appetite. Sure enough, as she passed the third coffee table, she began to salivate at the thought of the chinese takeaway meals she was inexplicably hoarding in her cupboards.
Unfortunately, Carla found her kitchen completely bare!
"Damn it," she cursed, "I know I had something delicious in here!" Her heart pounding and her facial expression evenly warping into a frown, she checked the fridge. Inside, she found nothing but a card.
Bonus points? How'd they get here? she thought, reaching for it. No... wait a second! It's a tarot card!
Carla grabbed the phone, which phased through her hand for a second, then started wobbling in the air slightly above it. When the line connected, the radio was instantaneously drowned out by a funky, black soundtrack out of nowhere.
"Tyler! It's those THIEVING GAYS again!"
Chapter 1 - Hobos
Carla stomped around with rage!
"Rarr! Stupid radio thing, why don't you work!?" She tried pressing all the buttons and turning all the dials but no sounds came out. Eventually, she fell over and, through her new under-the-table perspective, discovered that it simply wasn't plugged in. Mystery solved! She triumphantly stood up and walked away.
"Man," she announced to her sofa, "I'm sooo hungry right now, you don't even know! Ahaha!" She sat down to stare out of her gigantic window for a while. It was the middle of the day, but as usual it was completely dark outside. As she spied on someone in the opposite building, she continued to talk to herself: "I wonder where I could get food from... Oh yeah, the bedroom! I mean the kitchen!"
Unfortunately, Carla found her kitchen completely bare!
"Damn it," she cursed, "I always forget to wear clothes when I go looking for my kitchen!" And so, she went to get dressed and forgot all about being hungry again.
Chapter 2 - Mayans
Tyler filmed himself walking up and down the 14 flights of stairs to Carla's apartment 3 times so he could put together a confusing, disorienting split-screen effect for his video blog when he got home. He knocked on the door the first time he reached it, knowing she'd take goddamn forever to open it as usual. Indeed, on this occasion, he was able to get the footage he needed, watch it all back and even have a good rest on the floor before she finally appeared.
"Hi Tyler, thanks for coming so soon. Come on in."
"Heyy! How're you feeling?"
"Not too bad, just a tiny bit STRESSED."
"Ahh, NEUTRAL to hear it! I... uhhh... ummm," Tyler trailed off and just stared into Carla's lifeless eyes while he tried to figure out what to say next.
O O O
VIDEO WAITING EMERGENCY
"You sure like to keep me waiting at the door, haha! What is it you do in here that makes you take so long?"
"Uh, some of us grown-ups have work to do? I was just going through a case and I needed a minute to finish up."
"I see..." Tyler nodded.
"Also, I had to use the toilet a few times, have a shower, sit on everything in the room and check my e-mails."
"So what's this emergency you called me here about?"
"Someone stole all my food! All I could find was this tarot card."
"A tarot card, huh? Looks like the calling card of that gang of gay food thieves that's been on the news recently!"
"Yep, that's what I thought, so I checked it out. Turns out they've been seen in the area recently; the situation matches their MO exactly; and the guys at the office have traced the card back to them in some way through some kind of CSI magic. All the evidence points directly to the Curd Burglars - there's absolutely no reason to believe it wasn't them!"
"So it was them."
"No, I feel like there's more to this case! The whole thing is bizarre."
Chapter 2 - Hobos
Tyler walked up and down the 14 flights of stairs to Carla's apartment 3 times because he kept thinking he'd forgotten something. He knocked on the door each time he reached it and then wandered off - the first two times, Carla took too long struggling to unlock and open the door to catch him, but by the third time she had the hang of it.
"Tyler? What are you doing here?"
"Hi, I just thought I'd drop by for no particular reason. You got anything to eat?" He pushed past Carla and went straight for the fridge. "Hey, someone took all your food and left a tarot card!"
"Really? How bizarre!"
And lo, the story was progressed, just as Cage intended.
Chapter 3 - Hobos
"Things are never quite what they seem. We think we understand the world around us, but... we really only see the outside; what it seems to be. I used to be just like you - I believed in humanity, the newspapers... soap commercials, politics and history books. But one day, the world kicks you in the teeth and you don't have any choice but to see things the way they really are."
"My name is Lucas Kane. My story is the one where an ordinary guy has something extraordinary happen to him. To be specific, I got possessed by a guy in a dress and forced to steal a bunch of people's food."
The guy in the other stall flushed and left without washing his hands. Lucas sighed. Later that day, in his lunch break, he decided to visit his brother, Markus the priest, who was a priest.
"Oh, Lucas. It's you," said Markus, expressing concern, "Come in. I'm sorry, I'm having a bit of an infestation problem at the moment."
"I don't need to know about your sexual diseases, Markus! I have to talk to you about... oh GOD!" Lucas froze in terror.
There were cockroaches everywhere!
"Shit, Markus I hate bugs! You know this! Jesus Christ, I've gotta get out of here!"
"I warned you, didn't I?" sighed Markus, still looking concerned, "It's not easy for me to clean up the house you know, what with me being so one-dimensional I'm actually a line between two points in space."
"Yeah ok, shut up, we're going outside to talk."
Outside, they discussed (off-camera) Lucas' stupid story about framing some homosexuals for stealing food. He went into excruciating detail about how he couldn't help it and about the mysterious cloaked man he saw dancing around in a room full of candles and how he walked into a candle at one point and nearly set fire to himself. As Markus listened, he grew ever more concerned.
"Lucas, I don't know what to say..."
"I need some advice! Please, just tell me I'm not crazy; tell me I'm not a thief!"
"You're putting me in a difficult position, here. After all, I am a priest. I should really call the police..."
"Please, just listen to me! You have to believe me!" Markus thought about it for a while.
"Uhhhmm... yeah, I'm going to call the police. Sorry, Lucas."
"Fuck!" Lucas turned and ran.
Chapter 3 - Mayans
Lucas was handling the whole "getting possessed and committing crimes" thing quite well. Of course he was a little bit freaked out (who wouldn't be?) but he wasn't hysterical enough to resort to asking his stupid brother for help. It was probably just a one-off, he decided on the toilet, if it happens again I'll look into it, but to be honest I might as well just ignore it. Business as usual.
Back in their office, Warren was busy monitoring the Matrix or whatever on his 5 gigantic monochrome monitors. Lucas shut the door behind him and approached the desk. He tried to interact with something on his desk, but couldn't tell which fucking tiny icon was which on the HUD and accidentally sat down instead. Shit! He couldn't let his co-worker know he'd made a mistake! As far as anyone knew, he was perfect! He tried not to react and buried himself in his work, making sure to wear his special glasses that helped him concentrate.
Soon, his current assignment (to print the word "MURDERER" all over one of his screens) was complete, but as he leaned over to call Warren a faggot, he felt a horrible, piercing pain in his head that made him double over and hit it on the desk really hard!
"Luuuucaas? Are you ok?" came the whine from across the desk, but Lucas couldn't hear it. He could see himself and Warren, working in silence. His view of the room swooped around a bit and came to rest on Warren's mug, which promptly fell over, spilling all over its owner. He saw a bright light and snapped out of it.
"I saaaaid, are you ok?"
"Uhh, yes. Yes, I think so." That was weird. Why would I hallucinate that? Something to do with that time I got possessed et cetera...?
Warren's phone rang and, being a clumsy idiot, he knocked his mug of coffee over picking it up. Lucas couldn't contain his laughter.
"Ahaha, excellent! You stupid-- ugh!" His head started pounding again! This time, his vision was of himself. Future-Lucas (Flucas) was doing something, but he couldn't make out what it was. He could, however, see that it involved a cup of coffee. A very hot cup of coffee. Lucas' eyes widened.
Chapter 4 - Maybos
Lucas stumbled into his apartment and locked the door, shaking madly because of whichever bad thing just happened to him. After a minute or two, he managed to pull himself together and take a few more steps inside.
"Maybe... maybe it was just a joke..." he said to himself, vaguely.
Just then, his window smashed into little pieces and Dracula flew in!
"Holy shit, it's Dracula!"
"Suprised to see me, Lucas?! Ahahahaha!" Dracula raised his cyborg arm and, suddenly, a piece of glass from the window rose up from the floor and hurled itself towards Lucas' face! Lucas dodged it. Another shard flew at him, but he dodged again. Then another one, and another one.
Dracula floated in mid-air with his arm outstretched patiently while each and every bit of glass in turn flew across the room and missed Lucas completely. Just as the last one fell to the floor and the player began seriously contemplating suicide, there was a bang at the door.
"Lucas Kane, open up! This is the police!"
"Help me, I'm being ineffectually attacked by Dracula!" Lucas opened the door and Carla stormed in, pointing a gun at his head.
"Found you, you lowlife food thief!"
"I don't believe we've been introduced, young lady..." Dracula smarmed, "I'm Dracula, it's a pleasure to meet you."
"Dr-Dracula?!" Carla lowered her gun.
Lucas contemplated last month's events with a smile. So it had been Dracula all along - ha! Who would have thought it? What a great twist. Speaking of Dracula, he'd had a whirlwind romance with Carla (reportedly with excellent sex) and they were getting married already!
"How nice for them!" Lucas exclaimed. He sat down in front of the TV to relax with a nice, hot cup of coffee.
Lucas' eyes widened.
"To be honest, I never really knew my father," sighed Lucas.
Soft funk drifted lazily through the apartment, an auditory complement to the white blanket that had muffled the outside world.
"Well," Tyler replied, distraction seeping into his voice, "What do you remember about him?
Lucas was looking out the window now, large fluffy snowflakes falling just feet away with mesmerizing frequency. His gaze had become that of a man with a thousand mile stare and Tyler could tell that ancient and buried memories were flashing behind his eyes.
"It was hardest on my brother, Markus. He watched our father die, powerless to do anything about it. He still blames himself. I can't help but think it drove him to religion, to priesthood, where he could try to make sense of what happened. We grew up on a military base, but my father had come from the shipping industry. When brass found out, they made him responsible for transporting equipment; ammunition, firearms, food supplies, you name it. My brother had been begging for months to give him a tour of the facilities. Imagine; an entire jet hanger overflowing with nothing but boxes stacked upon boxes, as far as the eye could see. They stood in the midst of the hangar when it happened; the largest earthquake in Nevada history. I wasn't there to see it, but Markus later told me that earthquake caused the entire hangar to shake like an angry beehive of cardboard."
A lonely tear rolled down Lucas' cheek and he continued his story in a whispered tone.
"The boxes started raining down on them, every exit transformed into a shaking tower of boxy doom. It's a miracle Markus made it out alive. My father never had a chance, he was buried under a mountain of boxes. When they finally dug out his battered corpse, the coroner declared his heart had been pierced by a shard of cardboard. Cardboard boxes killed my father. To this day I don't feel comfortable being around them. If only he had learned to dodge boxes..."
"Listen," said Tyler, his demeanor tired, "Maybe we should do this again some other time. I've completely lost my erection."
He slid his flacid dong out of Lucas' anal cavity with an audible pop not unlike uncorking a champagne bottle.
"Tyler, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." Lucas' voice trailed off momentarily and he scooted over to the side of the bed. He cradled his face between his hands. "It's just that this always reminds me of my father..."
"No, don't apologize," replied Tyler, who had set about putting his clothes back on. He flashed Lucas a toothy grin. "I know exactly what you mean."
A sudden, frantic banging at the front door startled both men. "Who could that be at this hour?" Lucas wondered aloud. Panic suddenly flashed across Tyler's face. "If it's a chick with a cropped haircut who looks like she fell out of the ugly tree, hit every ugly branch on the way down and was then beaten like a pinata by children wielding ugly sticks, don't open it!"
Looking cautiously through the peephole, Lucas could make out a distressed women glancing nervously about, but she didn't seem to fit Tyler's description. In fact, she appeared to be TOTALLY HOT. He opened the door a crack.
"Can I help you?"
"Carla?" asked Tyler, peeking around the corner. "It's ok Lucas, this is my partner from the police department. What are you doing here at four in the morning?"
Wide-eyed, Carla burst through the door and threw it shut behind her. "Tyler! I knew you'd be here! Listen, I was trying to get some paperwork done at the office wearing nothing but skimpy underwear when I saw a guy staring at me through the window! And we're on the third floor! He was mostly bald, kind of an older guy and sort of french or something. Really intense looking. I think he was masturbing. I was just too freaked out to go home by myself, so I thought I'd come here inst... why does it smell like sex and shit in here?"
The two men exchanged mischevious glances, knowingly.
Carla looked shocked but her expression slowly turned to unexpected curiosity. She pressed against Lucas. "Mister, I can't get involved with Basket Balls over there; you know, work ethics and all, but I'll be honest with you. I haven't had something long and hard in me since that time I was constipated for two straight weeks."
Lucas gently put his finger to her lips and cooed, "Shhhh-shh-shh. I'm sorry, I can't."
"But why?" replied Carla, pouting.
"Because girls are yucky."
Outside the freezing winds lapped up against the glass of the bay windows. Snow had been falling nonstop for weeks and in some areas it had built up over twelve feet. There was something pure and serene about it all despite the impending end of the world. But Lucas knew that no matter how deep the snow was, it would never be deep enough to bury his shame. That would be something he'd have to learn to live with.
Then David Cage slunk to the icebox. He took the Goons' feast!
He took the Goon pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Cage even took the last can of Goon hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"Now," grinned the Cage, "I will stuff up the tree!"
A Reading of my own for LordMune