Part 20: Page 20: It

Page 20: It

Let's see, where did we leave off last time?


Mako Reactor

Oh. Right.

MOTHER FU-



Welcome to Volume 2 of The Three Little Piggies. We're just knocking them out left and right, aren't we? So far we've finished up The Adamantoise and the Cactuar, and now we'll be finishing The Three Little Piggies.


Prelude
The Three Little Piggies: Hide and Shriek Prologue

Many days and nights had passed since the three piggy brothers had finished their house-building challenge. The two older brothers had finally come to accept their younger brother for his faults. Although he wasn't very fast or strong, he was the smartest of the bunch! But then one day, a frightful event transpired! While the trio was on its way to town, the eldest brother accidentally tromped on a Tonberry's tail.
Karma!
One by one, more Tonberries started to appear from the nearby bushes, glaring at the three piggy brothers with stares that could melt ice! Tonberries, you see, were famous for holding grudges -- against everybody! The Tonberries gave chase to the piggy brothers, who dashed back to their homes as quick as their legs could carry them. The Tonberries used their knives to hack away at the house of wood, making short work of it. With their lanterns, they easily burnt down the house of straw. The house of brick built by the youngest brother was still standing, but would the three cornered piggies be able to escape with their tails in one piece?

And right off the bat, Tonberries are dicks. Not even waiting for the first epilogue, although they're normally dicks in the game. Also of note: Karma! is way too fun to say.





Simple enough conditions, just win.


Battle Theme
Hide and Shriek Versus 1

The game itself is pretty simple. Avoid the two Tonberries that run around while hoping your opponent fails to do the same. By double-tapping the screen, you can roll in that direction, hopefully crashing into your opponent and forcing the Tonberries to chase him. The only problem with that is that by the time the invulnerability from getting hit wears off, you're running away from the Tonberries.
This game isn't really all that fun, in my opinion - it's entirely a waiting game. The controls are tight (enough), the pathing is (mostly) decent... I'm not sure if it's this video or one of the later ones, but I win by going behind the burnt straw house and just waiting. Stupid Tonberries.



Yeah, despite all that I got hit at the very beginning because I was distracted and not entirely sure how the mechanics worked. _{that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it}


Victory

Points are a simple enough affair; First gets 10, second 5, third 1, and last a pitiful 0.



The only thing unlocked are battle modes 2 and 3, so back into the book we go.



Our challenge this time is to avoid the Tonberries flawlessly. This gets a little awkward for reasons I'll discuss when they become relevant.


Battle Theme
Hide and Shriek Versus 2

This video's recommended viewing because it introduces something that'll plague me in the next two Versus modes; when a Tonberry fully kills an opponent, they turn into a mini-Tonberry. The mini-Tonberries can still run around and hit you, and as an added catch they're faster than the regular Tonberries. Plus, they know where you are on the map because they were once players. Use the top screen to your advantage and don't be afraid to bolt when someone's closing in on you.
As for this particular stage, stay far away from EVERYTHING. It's harder to get hit when nobody's crowding you.



Yesssssssss...Scrabble outside uselessly........


Victory

By this point it doesn't really matter who's got what points. The only thing that matters is that I didn't get hit.



That's so important because it gets us this awesome card. A half/third/quarter/fifth/whatever of their health (select appropriate) is always appreciated, especially because it also gives them slow. For what it's worth, slow and haste cancel each other out.



Just for completing Versus 2, we get an epilogue.


Prelude
The Three Little Piggies: Hide and Shriek Epilogue - I Almost Forgot

The three piggy brothers let out a sigh of relief, seemingly protected by the house of brick.
"We're saved! Saved!"
But then the brothers heard a scratching sound from outside the house! The Tonberries hadn't given up on trying to cut their way into the house of brick.
"Brothers, there is something we are neglecting," said the youngest brother, and he darted out the front door. "We apologize!" he said to the Tonberries, bowing deeply to express his heartfelt sincerity.



And with that, the Tonberries smiled at each other...

Aww, how sweet. Epilogue 3 never fails to brighte-

...and then proceeded to stomp on the curly tail of the youngest brother, one by one.

Oh.



Also, those Tonberries give us a new game, I guess?



Before we can do that though, we need to progress through this book. We still haven't stopped that clock.


Battle Theme
Hide and Shriek Versus 3

This one shows Peekaboo turning into a Tonberry, but other than that there's nothing special that goes on here.



I mean, there's only so many ways I can say "And then we dodged more Tonberries."


Victory

That's why I usually try to spread out the book segments. It just so happens that the book segments have all managed to cluster at the front of updates recently. I really need to work on that.



Regardless of our personal preferences, we have another epilogue.


Prelude
The Three Little Piggies: Hide and Shriek Epilogue - Makin' Bacon

Karma!

The three piggy brothers shook in fear as the Tonberry mob began its assault on the house of brick. But the knives and lanterns of the Tonberries had no effect on the sturdy, brick walls, and the would-be invaders were having quite the rough time. Seeing that, the eldest brother opened a window and called out in a loud voice,
"You lousy Tonberries! Give it up and go home!"
But in that very instant, the Tonberries leapt into the house through the now open window.



Karma!
Not missing a beat, they used their lanterns to set fire to the eldest brother's curly tail.

Wow. This story is turning out to be remarkably violent. But really, what did you expect, stupid piggy?



Our reward this time is back out on the cliff face. We're actually gonna go take a look at it - it's important.



On the way, we might as well stop by and take care of this. No sense in having to return, right?



Retro de Chocobo
Deadly Demon Wall

Veterans of other Final Fantasy games might recognize this guy. He chased the party in... FF4, I believe? (My gooncred is going down, I've never played that game far enough to know.) If you touched him, you died, I think. I'm a little rusty on the actual mechanics.
Onto the actual game, it's a little frustrating. You have the typical slow, medium, and fast Chocobos, all hell-bent on crashing into that wall. You have to tap them before they hit the wall. However, the position of the Chocobos is misleading. You actually have to tap JUST a little bit ahead of where they are - you're hitting them where they will be, not where they are. On the DS, that's easy. The stylus is big enough that it hits multiple spots simultaneously. However, I have to aim my cursor and click really precisely to get it to work. A little awkward, especially when the fast Chocobo just fucking BOLTS for the wall.



After several tries, I finally get lucky with the taps.




Two more yellow cards, and they finish off the Cait Sith series of cards. It's a good thing, too - I was a little low on yellow cards.



Anyway, the blue card has the number 62. Remember, the red card had the number 39. We've seen a yellow card, but we can't get to it.

~All that backtracking (one whole elevator) later...



This one's gonna be the hardest of all of them that we're doing today.


Battle Theme
Hide and Shriek Versus 4

That mini-Tonberry just does not want to be captured in a screenshot, does he? Anyway, same deal as Versus 3 only with Volg. Not anything special, just more time consuming than previously.



I suppose canonically this book comes from the first epilogue of the original book.


Victory

The house is on an open plain, and I'm assuming the smart brother built the good house.



Anyway, book theories aside, we've got our third (and last) epilogue from the book. Will the Tonberries not be dicks?





They're Tonberries, of course not.


Prelude
The Three Little Piggies: Hide and Shriek Epilogue - Chop Suey

The three piggy brothers let out a sigh of relief, seemingly protected by the house of brick.
"We're saved! Saved!"
But then the brothers heard a scratching sound from outside the house! The Tonberries hadn't given up on trying to cut their way into the house of brick.
"Those Tonberries are really starting to fry my bacon!" moaned the middle brother.
As proud as could be, he opened the door and got ready to show those Tonberries a thing or two.



Karma!

Not missing a beat, the Tonberries used their knives to lop off a healthy chunk of the middle brother’s curly tail.

OH GOD What the hell, game?

Horror stories aside, Suey is also a reference to the biological family to which pigs belong, Suidae. The title is both a reference to a type of food AND pigs getting cut to pieces



I'm not entirely sure how "cutting up a pig's tail" translates to "shattering the clock's pendulum"...


Mako Reactor

But as it coincidentally stops the clock in the perfect position to act as a bridge, I'm not going to complain. Also, that is incredibly unsafe - if the hands move at all, Boco is screwed.



Check it out: we've made it to the next floor! Also, Boco is flipping out because he hears something...



There are two ??? in use here - a fun game to play is trying to figure out which of the two Chocobos is talking at any given moment!

???: This cursed war has brought nothin' but trouble! It's taken away family, friends, homes...FOOD! We're all caught up in this together now! It's almost as if humans crave battle. To think they call US animals... Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. My name's Peekaboo, and this is my younger bro--

They're getting closer! Get outta here! Now!

Peekaboo, Boco, and the unnamed bird that looks REMARKABLY like Chubby start running. Peekaboo quickly outpaces them, disappearing.

Aiiieee!

Note: this line uses Chubby's face, but doesn't have his name. Peekaboo!!!

Quick fade to black...



It looks like your big friend here lost his memory. Are you alright?

Boco nods.

Thank goodness! And don't worry, it's safe here. My name's Shirma. What's yours? Boco, huh? What a nice name! You should rest a little more, okay?

Boco goes to sleep. So adorable

I'll make sure you never wake up! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!



Boco! Hang in there!

Can you hear me, Boco? You have to wake up!

We slowly zoom in...to learn that Boco's snoring.

I think he's just napping. What a lazy bum!

Boco, wake up!

Don't stretch yourself too thin. We're counting on you!

Well, that was eventful. And hopefully the last time we have to deal with Bebuzzu's weird...thing that he's doing. Anyway, some of you might have noticed the little dude near the large gear a few images up.



This guy is a pain.

We just finished up our redeye flight from the mainland, and our peepers are driving us positively loony!



Praise Zoroaster!

I'm not sure what to mock first: the redeye flight joke, the fact that he things feathers in his EYE will feel good, or that we randomly brought up Zoroaster, an ancient Iranian religion. It's still practiced today, too.

Don't really know what the fuck.



Move de Chocobo
Redeye Rampage

This game. This game... This game. THIS game.
This game is, in several words, nearly impossible to receive gold in without egregrious cheating. Full disclosure: I forced the game to quarter speed in order to win.

What you have to do is tap the bullseye in their eyes. Sounds easy, right? Well, not so much. The little bastards won't stay still, they move way too quickly, and actually getting 100 points requires some arcane method I haven't found yet. Even when slowed down to 1/4 the speed it should be, I barely managed to hit 3000. I have better - my best record was 4000-ish slowed down, but at regular speed I can barely reach 2400. If you tap the Ahrimen the second they pop up, you get about 60 of them in total. Now, you want to take your time to tap them, meaning that number decreases steadily. You need to have at least 30 100-points, or what is more accurate, 60 50-points. But I've already said that 60 is pretty much the max you can have appear in the time limit they give you. What I'm saying is this game is too hard. I'm not mad, though; aside from the bullshit bullseye, it's great. It uses the tap mechanic well, and it doesn't require insane luck or rewinding capabilities like that other game does.

But you guys have the video of me winning. See if you can guess where I put it back up to regular speed (here's a hint: I did it after I won).



You really know how to twiddle those feathers of yours. Here's a small token.



My eyes haven't felt this relaxed in... forever! Take this for your trouble!



I know I said we finished off Cait Sith earlier, but I lied I thought we already had these two. Whoops.

Anyway, circling around the other side of the hole, we come to a locked door. Tapping on it brings us to this screen:



This reminds me of a puzzle... Anyway, I'm sure you know what you have to do. Unfortunately, we don't have the entire code.



To get it, we have to go back down a floor and check out the Mini-Red Riding Hood book again.


Fiddle de Chocobo
Lighting-Fast Labyrinth Versus 4

Is anyone else reminded of that old joke about 'Walk this way!' and then walking really strangely, just to see who gets it? No? ...anybody?



Anyway, just gotta win and that's that.


Victory

It's kinda sad when there's a twenty second gap between the players. Just saying.



For doing that, we unlock Versus 5 and the last epilogue of this book (and the update, thank god)


Prelude
Mini Red Riding Hood: Lightning-Fast Labyrinth Epilogue - Glass Slippers

Red was trying her best to make it through the dark forest, but the thunderstorm got worse by the minute. "Oh, how will I ever make it to Grandma's house!?"
Suddenly, a witch appeared from that shadows of the trees and said to Red, "Poor little girl, why don't you try on these glass slippers? Glass doesn't conduct electricity, so you'll be safe."



"These slippers are wonderful! Thank you, mysterious old lady!" Red finally made it to her grandmother’s house, thanks to the glass slippers from the mysterious witch.

..............................huh. So that's where those slippers came from.



The epilogue creates some glass platforms for us to walk across.



That gives us the last part of our code.



Go up to the door, enter 622039, and voila! It opens! Fun fact: the code is always 622039. It never changes - it's literally hard-coded in as 622039. Not sure why, but okay. Speedrun tactic is go.


Crystal Room

And at the top of this terrible tower we find a crystal. Oh boy!

Next time: Another transformation!