Part 3: Page 3

Speaking of Blue Magic, I started things off by learning a few more spells. I got Frog Song, Dark Shock, and Aqua Rake, which I got from this dick.

Hahaha, dick.

Anyway, I check the Ancient Library, where the ids are hanging out.

Whoa, okay, I mean, if you really wanna.

But there is late breaking news!!!




The Quicksand Desert, eh? Sounds like death. Let's not go there.


God damnit, fine. But don't blame me when all get sucked into a pit.


The desert quickly proves itself to be as impenetrable as advertised.

But who's this?

Okay, so what's you guys' brilliant plan?


I see absolutely nothing wrong with this plan.


Hey man, what the fuck are you trying to say?! I'll fucking kill you!


Motherfucker, I was born ready.


Here comes the worm now! Stand guard! DWEE-DWEEEE


The Sandworm. See those three holes? You know what they do, and this guy is exactly as annoying as he and his three holes look. Well, he would be if I didn't know his dirty little secret.


I think this guy has like 3000 HP.

So I get through the desert and stumble upon a city in RUINS.

Except these are old ruins so it's not nearly as exciting as you'd think.

I stumble around for a bit but who the fuck is that?!

It's Lenna's dad! He must be worth a king's ransom! Let's bag him!

I chase him around for a while until I get him cornered.

Father?!?! Oh the drama!!!

Well it's time for a touching reuFUCK

So King Tycoon is the mastermind behind all this?! Well no I guess a hole just opened up but whatever.


Awww.


It appears the party has been separated. So what does our courageous leader do?


Butz is the coolest hero ever.


But Galuf uses his goddamn ninja skills to join back up with the party and all is well

Anyway, I find a mysterious thing!

Ah, a teleporter.

A teleporter which starts to EXPLODE

But they manage to avoid exploding with it and everything's cool.

Meanwhile!

I told the ids to take care of the black chocobo, so I guess they took it back to its forest.

Meanwhile, I find a lever!

I don't know, I think it's a button. But I push the lever anyway, opening a nearby door.

And a nearby hole.

In a forest.

I continue through the strange place and find my old steamboat!

Proud Larry! It's been so long! Wait, is the boat talking?


And who's his girlfriend over there?


Oh, it's just some wacky boat with propellers on it, who cares.

But look who decides to drop in!

Why don't these people ever get hurt from all these long falls? Gravity is nothing but an annoyance in the world of Final Fantasy V.


So it turns out they're under Crescent Island. Fascinating.


Speaking of which, where'd that old man run off to?

He's below the deck, and he's raving about something.

I don't know what he's so excited about, it's just a boat.

Until he flips a few switches and

I would type out some overly enthusiastic response to this, but I believe Mid puts it succinctly.




Except what the fuck

Get off my plane! That's it! You're up for a guided tour to a painful death!


What the... it's Crush Crawfish again! And he's still weak to Triad Thunder! Butz has a Thunder Bow, Lenna has a Coral Sword, and Faris has Ramuh, so this guy is dead faster than his asshole dragon-killing cousin.

Anyway, back to airship business.

Well then, uh, you suck!


FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We own the motherfuckin' skies now! Well, okay, we owned the skies with the black chocobo, and now the only real difference is that I can land in places without any forests, which is like one archipelago. But still man, airship!!!!!!
I fly my boatplane back to the city of whatever it's called to have a little chat with my friend the King.

Suddenly, I'm stopped by a cutscene!


And this giant floating city comes up from under it!

I'd better go talk to the guys.

Well we'll just have to go up there and stop it! Except that the airship can't go that high!!!


Well then I'm sorry, but I guess Wolverine has to die. It's for the good of all.

Except Galuf saves the day once again.

Of course, everybody's a bit skeptical because he's a crazy old man with Alzheimer's, but they figure it's better to look around for some Adamantium than to just stand around with your thumb up your ass waiting for it to fall from the sky. Except I guess it did fall from the sky because it's in a meteor and now we're going to get it and well shit.

So we all head over to the meteor, where Galuf installs a door and

Well, great! We didn't have to fight a boss or anything!

Except

Me and my big fucking mouth.


Ah, AdamanTiMi. I have no idea what that means. I think it should be Adamantoise, because this guy's kind of a recurring monster, right? Anyway, he's weak to ice, so Butz readies his Ice Bow, Faris breaks out Shiva an


God, Lenna is so awesome. I knew that Doom Axe was going to come in handy

So I give these guys the Adamantium

Yeah, I sure am tired after that long and difficult fight with the turtle dude


The ids work so fast they reach warp 10 and exist in every point in the universe at once.


Great, now we can reach the flying city and kick its large ill-defined ass!

Though Cid sees fit to warn us that we can't just waltz in.

Oh no, we'll have to deal with cannons. I'm so scared. Allow me to express my immense fear in the form of an emoticon:

Well, I'll do that later.

First I have to check by Butz's hometown of Lix! It's completely surrounded by mountains, so I guess Butz got out of there with magic or something.

Checking his house results in some painful memories.

Yeah man, I hated that play.

Since some gay as fuck bard is living in Butz's old house, I check by the inn.

Shit yeah, don't mind if I do!

Everyone has a good night's sleep.

Except of course they don't.


Butz is out looking at his mom's grave, because he was remembering how his mom died and then his dad died and it sucked.

Except it's not his mom's grave!!!

It's his mom's and his dad's grave!!! Butz rubs some dirt or something off the grave, thus revealing the entire epitaph which is somehow drastically different from the original. Maybe it was written with a disappearing chisel, I don't know.


Anyway, Butz and Faris get all sentimental and totally baffle everybody who thought Butz was gonna hook up with Lenna.

After they all sleep, I decide to check by the item shop and

FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!! I stock up on a bunch of cheap shit with barely a dent in my wallet. I also find out I can buy some ninja stuff that Galuf can throw at people

Okay, now we can deal with the fate of the world.

I fly up here and beat the shock the shit out of a bunch of cannons. I give Faris Learning so that she can learn Emission, then switch her back to Blue Magic, which is handy for an upcoming battle.

This battle, in fact.

SolCannon. The fight starts with his two Launchers firing missiles at me and making Faris and Galuf old and older respectively, but it doesn't really matter because neither of them physically attack. Faris takes them out with Level 5 Doom, and then I go all out on SolCannon with Butz aiming with his Thunder Bow, Galuf throwing Thunder Scrolls, Faris casting Ramuh, and Lenna just hitting him with her Doom Axe. Even with all the elemental exploitation, Lenna does the most damage at 1400 a hit.


Then he explodes. I get ready to infiltrate the flying city. I want to change Galuf to a Thief but I know I probably won't get to because
Okay, I plunged the depths of the flying ruins of Lonka (is that what the place is called?). I made sure to get Blowfish and White Wind. I gave Faris Terrain instead of Summon because she'd pretty consistently use Gale Cut for around 750 damage (though Whirl Demons absorb it). I also picked up a Darkness Bow, which is slightly stronger than the elemental bows, so I gave it to Butz.

I made sure to get all the treasure in the place. Then I stumbled upon this place.

Oh, come on. Admiral Ackbar would get an anyeurism if he stumbled upon a room like this. I temporarly change Faris to a Geomancer so I can find the traps that are obviously in the room before I end up falling in them.

After I'm sure I've picked the place clean, I stumble upon this guy.

Hey, the king! I think it's about time for that touching reunion!


Wow. This is just powerful stuff. Hold on, I... I'm sorry, but this is just too much.

Anyway, I decide to fight the thing that's in his way.

ArcheoAvis. This guy's really wacky because his weakness changes all the time. But it's still not a big deal. Butz shoots him, Galuf throws random crappy weapons, Faris uses Terrain, and Lenna just bashes him with her Doom Axe. After I kill him, he comes back and he's immune to elemental magic, so Faris just switches to using Blowfish and he's dead pretty quick.

After that, the king thanks me and walks off. Dick. I follow him into the crystal room.

Of course he is. So why don't we do what we did with the queen of Karnak and beat him up until he stops being possessed?


Of course. Women!


So the possessed king gets ready to show them that he's possessed by an evil spirit by killing them.

When he's cut short by a

FUCKING METEOR


Then a little girl busts in through the wall and blasts him with magic!


Ah, she knows Galuf.


And Galuf knows her!

Okay then, touching reunion. About fucking time.

We're informed of Faris's actual name. In the Anthology version, it's Salsa. Fucking Salsa.

When suddenly it's a blue Christmas

Oh goddamnit!


:ultramon:


Get used to this dickhead, you'll be seeing him a lot.


Butz steps up to bat, but Exdeath strikes him out with his evil crystal powers.


Dickweed.

The king gets ready to press his luck, but before he does, he gives us a few final remarks.


Everybody gets knocked back.


So he gives it one more shot, this time without everyone else so close.


He manages to purify the crystal pieces or somesuch, but is seriously injured in the process.

So he's prepared some final marks, for real this time.

And he's gone. I mean literally, his body even fades away.

But he left a few souvenirs behind.

I'll save the overly enthusiastic response just because I don't want to break the mood, but if I were to type one out, it would have a lot of exclamation points, because the four classes I get happen to be four extremely good classes. Even the Dancer.

And then everything starts shaking.

Of course. Let's get out of here.


They very narrowly make it to the airship.


And they very narrowly make it out of the floating city.

Meanwhile, on the airship...

Lenna and Faris aren't taking the loss of their father too well.

And Galuf has some pretty big news.

Well, shit.

So Galuf and Cara get ready to go back to their dimension.

And they are gone. Well, shit.

Okay, well the new jobs are Samurai, Dragoon, Dancer, and Chemist. They're all awesome, though the Dancer might be a little less awesome than the others, and the Chemist is definitely way more awesome than anything you have ever seen.