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Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus

by The Dark Id

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Original Thread: Let's Make Final Fantasy VII Into a Footnote (Dirge of Cerberus)



****** WARNING: READ *****

Talk about belts or zippers is henceforth outlawed in this thread and result in the next update being pushed back a day. You have been warned.

****** FOREWORD *****

Yes, I have an addiction. Why hasn't there been an intervention, yet? Thanks a lot, pricks.

Today's topic of discussion is Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII. The title is a third-person shooter spin-off/sequel to 1997's Final Fantasy VII. It was released exclusively for Sony Playstation 2 in 2006. It stars everyone's favorite gun wielding goth optional character which nobody ever used - Vincent Valentine. No, I don't know why they made the game either...

With that said... Let's address a few questions that are likely popping into your head at the moment:

What of who now...?
A fine question. posted:

dirge [durj]
1. a funeral song or tune, or one expressing mourning in commemoration of the dead.
2. any composition resembling such a song or tune in character, as a poem of lament for the dead or solemn, mournful music.

Cerberus is the three headed hellhound guardian of the underworld. It is also the name of Vincent's gun. So, basically Vincent is a rather emo fellow and he kills lots of people. Simple, no?

I liked Final Fantasy VII...will I like this?
No. No, you will not. I wasn't joking with the title of the thread. It's set in Final Fantasy VII's world. It has Final Fantasy VII's characters. But it has fuck all to do with much anything that happened in it. It's basically a new plot forcefully built atop the original game. Very forcefully. With a jackhammer.

That...doesn't sound too hot. Well, the characters from FF7 show up, right? I can't wait to see some Cloud ass kicking!
Yes, everyone still alive from the game shows up...for a cameo, at least. Other than Vincent, the most important characters are Yuffie...and Cait Sith...

Again, I have no clue what the thought process for this title was, either. It is a part of the "Compilation of Final Fantasy VII".

The what of who?
Read that as milking the cash cow for all it is worth expanded universe. The Compilation of Final Fantasy VII includes a CGI sequel, Advent Children, which I'm sure you've at least heard about; maybe even turned your brain off and watched. There is also a cellphone prequel series starring the Turks, Before Crisis. An anime retelling of the Nibelheim flashback, Last Order. As well as a soon to be released (in NA at least) full fledged prequel RPG starring Zack, Crisis Core. I'm still waiting for the rhythm game starring Barret.

Zack? The Turks? Nibelheim? I liked Final Fantasy 7 but I was also about fourteen the last time I played it. My memory is a bit fuzzy. Who the hell were those guys?
No worries, it's been a good seven years since I played it too. Unfortunately, Dirge of Cerberus assumes you played the game last week, watched Advent Children yesterday, did some supplemental reading, and committed everything to memory.

But, fear not. Thanks to the wealth of obsessive fans of the game and its derivatives, I will be chiming in to explain the more obscure terms that crop up. I'll at least assume you're familiar with the cast of the original game and the gist of how it ended, so as not to be redundant.

So, is the game fun, at least?
No. No it is not. It is poorly paced, has barebones gunplay, the controls are awkward, there are lukewarm RPG elements, and it's riddled with cutscenes.

Metacritic clocks it in at a healthy 57% I'd say they're being generous.

Oh... Well, the plot is good at least...right?
The plot is... How can I put this...? Ten kinds of batshit with a healthy, healthy dose of retarded.

So, basically it's my specialty. Without further ado, let's get started...

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