The Let's Play Archive

Final Fantasy XIII

by wateyad, Pork Lift

Thanks! We like it too.Why not check out some similar LPs from our recommendations?
What would you like to tag this LP as?

Original Thread: Let's Play Chickobo Emperor Rasputin's Pro Menu Navigator XIII (FFXIII)



What is this?

Chickobo Emperor Rasputin's Pro Menu Navigator XIII or as it is better known Final Fantasy XIII is both (surprise, surprise) the thirteenth game in the long running Final Fantasy series of increasingly vaguely related japanese role playing games (you might have heard of it?) and the first game in the Fabulous Exploding Star Crystals sub-series of even more vaguely related games trying to sell on the basis of being tied to the Final Fantasy name and having a title that ends in a large roman numeral. Future FESC titles include Tetsuya Nomura's Vanity Project XIII (an action RPG by the Kingdom Hearts team without Disney's Lisencing department to sort of maybe keep them a little grounded) and What The Hell Is This And Why Does It Exist XIII (a primarliy multiplayer PSP game, set in a school, with a card based magic system, originally announced for mobile phones)but we're not here to talk about those.

In the time that this LP has been going, Fabulous Exploding Star Crystals may in fact have ceased to be a thing. The games still exist but What The Hell Is This And Why Does It Exist XIII has changed its name by deed poll in order to disassociate from its shameful relative and is now Final Fantasy Type 0. Tetsuya Nomura's Vanity Project XIII, on the other hand, has chosen to keep its name, hoping to regain the family honour (or just boost its own reputation by laying claim to the title of the real Final Fantasy XIII, you know, one or the other).

I play a lot of JRPGs but (for reasons that will almost certainly become clear as the thread goes on) I'm not exactly the biggest fan of Final Fantasy. However, import reviews made it sound like CERPMNXIII was trying really hard to be a game I'd like. Not necessarilly managing it you understand but trying really hard. Hard enough to make me curious enough to pick it up on launch BUT I was still convinced I'd hate it so I did what any self respecting horrible nerd would do and called up my good buddy Pork Lift so we could meet up and record our vicious mockery of first time reactions to the game.

So this is a blind, mostly unedited, pure VLP of a JRPG?


Pork Lift posted:

blind? Yes. But the game is so linear that this shouldn't be a problem. Unedited? No. We would mostly like to preserve the full gaming experience for your viewing pleasure but we aren't entirely above speeding up some sessions or adding additional interest for the sake of your sanity and ours
That, I guess.

So who are all these people?

Spoilers follow, if you've only just found this LP or aren't up to date watching and you haven't played through the game yourself you might want to scroll past this bit real fast like.

wateyad suggested this in the first place and is the the one actually playing the game. He has played some portion of every main numbered FF since VI (excepting XI, which doesn't count) but only has any real fondness for IX. Despite this, he lists several JRPGs of varying degrees of obscurity among his all time favorite video games.

Pork Lift liked the idea so much he refused to drop it. He is not playing the game. He is however responsible for just about everything else, so you can blame him for any and all technical issues. He is drawn by some strange force to play each new Final Fantasy game despite having no reason to expect to enjoy them.

Mr Moon draws pretty pictures and hates Tetsuya Nomura's character designs.

Hbomberguy is some guy we got to commentate with us on the second half of the LP for some reason.

"Lightning" used to be a member of the Guardian Corps, the division of Cocoon's military that, as far as I can tell, fills the role that would be occupied by civilian police in any sane society. She has some kind of control over gravity or something, possibly granted by that little thing on her finger. It doesn't make a lot of sense. Nomura has gone on record saying that she was designed as a female version of Cloud Strife from FFVII. To begin with, Lightning is pretty inoffensive as she completely lacks any kind of personality so there's nothing to be offended by. Unfortunately she then proceeds to get all buddy buddy with Hope and whatever he has is contagious. Now she seems to have gone batfuck insane so we're okay with her again.

Sazh Katzroy is pretty awesome. He's out of place amongst the other party characters in a number of ways. He breaks the naming convention. He's just a guy, he is actually a human, empathisable character and frequently acts as the voice of reason. It must be some kind of mistake that he slipped into this game, we aren't complaining though. He would be the best character in the game if it weren't for...

Chickobo Emperor Rasputin, the true main character of the game. He rides around in the hair of his noble steed, Sazh and bides his time until his presence is needed.

Snow Villiers punches people... in the name of justice because he is a HERO. Also a paedophile, just saying.

Oerba Dia Vanille is chirpy, cheerful and completely detatched from reality... and occasionally sad?

Hope Estheim has ceased to be a whiny cunt but some of us still hate him.

NORA (No Obligations Rules or Authority) are a bunch of people who do what Snow tells them to. We aren't quite sure why. "Ironically" their acronym happens to also be the name of...

Nora Estheim, Hope's mother, who is dead.

Serah Farron is Lightning's sister and Snow's fiance. Whatever official materials may say she absolutely cannot be any older than sixteen, if that. She's currently turned to crystal, which would be good for our sanity if this game wasn't so incredibly fond of flashbacks.

Fang is Australian and snarky. One of the better characters.

Cid Raines is some kind of PSICOM big shot who-

Mr Moon posted:

LOOK AT THIS CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER why he's so WELL DRESSED and ERUDITE and BADASS and HANDSOME and I just DROWN in his EYES and oh jesus take me now oh prince of zepellins

...Anyway, apparently he was on our side but then he turned out to be a sanctum l'cie and fulfilled his focus by getting beaten up by us or something and now he's a crystal... or something. Fuck. This. Game.

Mr Moon posted:

beautiful even in death ;__;
Too bishounen for this world~
Then he was a not crystal again and the new space pope or something but then he told a guy to shoot him and now I guess he's actually dead for reals.

Mr Moon posted:

So bishounen one suicide just wasn't enough~

Mr Moon posted:

Oh. Uh...


Hey there, Dajh.
Dajh Katzroy is Sazh's son and a sanctum l'cie.

Anime Sarah Palin was an antagonist.

This guy attempted to actually be a character at the last moment and made a "heroic sacrifice" I guess.

Mr Moon posted:

In a special guest appearance, on loan from Kojima Productions, we present Hal Emmerich as Bartholomew Estheim, being a significantly better dad to Hope than he was to that albino kid

Rygdea is Cid's subordinate I guess.

Galenth Dysely is the Primarch, in other words the head honcho of Cocoon's government and/or Space Pope. Only he's actually just an assumed identity for Barthandalus, king shit of Fal'Cie mountain.


Episode 1: Too Old For This ShitYouTubeViddler
Episode 2: Moms are ToughYouTubeViddler
Episode 3: Asymmetrical Fish CyclesYouTubeViddler
Episode 4: Blame SnowYouTubeViddler
Episode 5: Fal'Ciemen StainYouTubeViddler
Episode 6: I hope you like menusYouTubeViddler
Episode 7: The Inevitable Spiral Towards DepressionYouTubeViddler
Episode 8: Enigmatic FluidYouTubeViddler
Episode 9: Ripples of DestinyYouTubeViddler
Episode 10: City of the RecoloursYouTubeViddler
Episode 11: In Search of the Lick ButtonYouTubeViddler
Episode 12: Ace Combat and Ice-CyclesYouTubeViddler
Episode 13: Sometimes you just do thingsYouTubeViddler
Episode 14: Everyone is SephirothYouTubeViddler
Episode 15: End of Day 1YouTubeViddler
Episode 16: Scraps and RecapsYouTubeViddler
Episode 17: Crafty CraftingYouTubeViddler
Episode 18: The Best BitYouTubeViddler
Episode 19: Pretty Pony PrincessYouTubeViddler
Episode 20: Contracting CIDSYouTubeViddler
Episode 21: HeroHeroSerahHeroYouTubeViddler
Episode 21.5: These Files Are Huge (Special thanks to alcharagia for providing a replacement for the missing video.)YouTube 
Episode 22: Where the fuck have you been?YouTubeViddler
Episode 23: It's hard keeping track of all this jailbait!YouTubeViddler
Episode 24: Young WenchesYouTubeViddler
Episode 25: Tell my wife I said BlarghYouTubeViddler
Episode 26: Today we went bowlingYouTubeViddler
Episode 27: EpaulettesyYouTubeViddler
Episode 28: The Good Thing About This Game isYouTubeViddler
Episode 29: HerpetologyYouTubeViddler
Episode 30: It's a little bit funnyYouTubeViddler
Episode 31: Metal Gear CoccoonYouTubeViddler
Episode 32: The Best GameYouTubeViddler
Episode 33: The Ultimate Upgrade GuideYouTubeViddler
Episode 34: Batman got nothing on meYouTubeViddler
Episode 35: We Don't Have Any HopeYouTubeViddler
Episode 36: You are Just Like SnowYouTubeViddler
Episode 37: I don't actually remember what happens in this oneYouTubeViddler
Episode 38: Call me CloYouTubeViddler
Episode 39: I Never DID Get to Talk About Monkey IslandYouTubeViddler
Episode 40: Interrupting the FlowYouTubeViddler
Episode 41: Surrender NOW!YouTubeViddler
Episode 42: Let's Get ChattyYouTubeViddler
Episode 43: Paper Lion Cares About VaginasYouTubeViddler
Episode 44: Tired of RunningYouTubeViddler
Episode 45: Send In the Glowing Blue Veg!YouTubeViddler
Episode 46: Don't Fear the Midnight ReaperYouTubeViddler
Episode 47: A Failure ReelYouTubeViddler
Episode 48: Sweet RideYouTubeViddler
Episode XLIX: (Pork Lift) You Are TerribleYouTubeViddler
Episode XXXXX: Maybe Something Will Happen in This VideoYouTubeViddler
Episode LI: Pork Lift's CrysticleYouTubeViddler
Episode LII: Déjà VuYouTubeViddler
Episode LIII: We're Not Lost Are We?YouTubeViddler
Episode LIV: Moving Around A CircleYouTubeViddler
Episode LV: The Orange LevelYouTubeViddler
Episode LVI: On A WingYouTubeViddler
Episode LVII: We Can't Avoid Every FightYouTubeViddler
Episode LVIII: That's SomethingYouTubeViddler
Episode LIX: Not The Big Showdown PART 1YouTubeViddler
Episode LIX: Not The Big Showdown PART THE SECONDYouTubeViddler
Episode LX: STILL Not The Big ShowdownYouTubeViddler
Episode LXI: The Death of Jihl NabaatYouTubeViddler
Episode LXI(a): CooldownYouTubeViddler
Bonus Intermission: 3 Nerds 1 Cabin Viddler
Episode almost but not quite 62: Caravan RisingYouTubeViddler
Episode LXII: Caravan RisenYouTubeViddler
Episode LXIII: Insincere and WeirdYouTubeViddler
Episode LXIV: The Air's All Gone To RotYouTubeViddler
Episdoe LXV: AHHHH CHICKENS!YouTubeViddler
Bonus: Check Out My SazhYouTubeViddler
Episode LXVI: Hello, My Name is Imp CYouTubeViddler
Episode LXVII: Something Actually HappensYouTubeViddler
Episode LXVIII: ElevatingYouTubeViddler
Episode LXIX: We Have Fun (In Our Caravan In Wales)YouTubeViddler
Episode LXX: Looks Like A Dead EndYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXI: KwehYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXII: A Very Final Fantasy Fire EffectYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXIII: Nothing Goes WrongYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXIV: Everything Continues SwimminglyYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXV: Proceed with Maximum UngowrongityYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXVI: Another Example of Masterful PlayYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXVII: I Think We've Got This Game on The RopesYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXIX: Going the Other WayYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXX: Hybrid FloraYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXXI: No Really, Do Not Drink SlowgaYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXXII: That Was A SkitYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXXIII: Are We Still On Namek?YouTubeViddler
Episode LXXXIV: AirshipsYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXXV: I Wonder How Many People Stopped Watching?YouTubeViddler
Episode LXXXVI: Pack Up Yer Troubles in Yer Old Kit Bag and Throw it on the BarbieYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXXVII: It Only Has Three HandsYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXXVIII: DisappointmentYouTubeViddler
Episode LXXXIX: BUFF YOU MORON!YouTubeViddler
Episode XC: 'Making Roads Where Roads Ain't Meant To Go'YouTubeViddler
Episode XCI: An Eidolon's Right To Bear Arms - Part 1YouTubeViddler
Episode XCI: An Eidolon's Right To Bear Arms - Part 2YouTubeViddler
Episode XCII: Hope's ArmyYouTubeViddler
Episode XCIII: Talking to SerahYouTubeViddler
Episode XCIV: Enter Taejin's TowerYouTubeViddler
Episode XCV: The Second Tier or The First FloorYouTubeViddler
Episode XCVI: The Illusion of ChoiceYouTubeViddler
Episode XCVII: You Didn't Mention Pork LiftYouTubeViddler
Episode XCVIII: What is Making that Noise?YouTubeViddler
Episode IC: Let's 'Hope' He's Bluffing.YouTubeViddler
Episode CCCCDIIIIV: Write That One In GoldYouTubeViddler
Episode CII: This Game is On RailsYouTubeViddler
Episode CIII: Face OffYouTubeViddler
Episode CIV: Crash CourseYouTubeViddler
Episode CV: At the Race PlaceYouTubeViddler
Episode CVI: We Do Not Endorse TheftYouTubeViddler
Episode CVII: Appropriately LinearYouTubeViddler
Episode CVIII: The Gardens of EdenYouTubeViddler
Episode CIX: Oh Hey, It's NORA.YouTubeViddler
Episode CX: Let's ReloadYouTubeViddler
Episode CXI: Wings with WingsYouTubeViddler
Episode CXII: Chapter XIIIYouTubeViddler
Episode CXIII: Hyperdimensional QuadranglesYouTubeViddler
Episode CXIV: SoundYouTubeViddler
Episode CXV: More of ThisYouTubeViddler
Episode CXVI: Did We Mention It's Raining?YouTubeViddler
Episode CXVII: This Game Goes SomewhereYouTubeViddler
Episode CXVIII: Unironically My Favourite Fight In The GameYouTubeViddler
Episode CXIX: The Lonely WladislausYouTubeViddler
Episode CXX: What Are We Even Trying to Achieve Here?YouTubeViddler
Episode CXXI: Screw... Destiny?YouTubeViddler
FINAL EPISODE: Clocking OutDailymotionViddler


Final Fantasy XIII-2 is a video game. For this reason alone, you'd think it was a forgone conclusion that it was better than its immediate predecessor and you... might have a valid arguement, maybe? It's debatable. Whatever the case, it proved to be significantly less fun to LP and not more fun enough to play to make up for it. Oh, and parts of the script are agressively stupid in a way that isn't even funny. So yeah, we played it for... a lot of hours but didn't get anywhere near finishing it and then decided that for a variety of reasons, most stemming from our experience with the game, some not, to stop. From here on out this thread is, I guess, about how we arrived at that decision.


Episode Minus One: The Recording Test, Back By Popular DemandYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Zero: This is a BlooperYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Nought Point Nine Nine: We Am Good At TimeringsYouTubeDailymotion
Episode One: A Tale of Soulless Husks and SwordsYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Two: Am I Still Dreaming?YouTubeDailymotion
Episode Three: Mog ClockingYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Five: Cat Facts with Resident #2YouTubeDailymotion
Episode Six: Chase that Child!YouTubeDailymotion
Episode Seven: Girl Bland and Boy BlandYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Eight: Important BallsYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Nine: Paradox EffectYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Ten: Choco-mazing!YouTubeDailymotion
Episode Eleven: Whaddya Know? It Talks.YouTubeDailymotion
Episode Twelve: What Does Mog Think?YouTubeDailymotion
Episode Thirteen: It's Always ChesterYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Fourteen: Why Isn't it Called a Pheonix Up?YouTubeDailymotion
Episode Fifteen: Can We Choco?YouTubeDailymotion
Episode Sixteen: Shitty Useless Barry AttackYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Seventeen: They May Be Drawn By The Space Time DisturbanceYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Eighteen: Well Done!YouTubeDailymotion
Episode Nineteen: Final Flantasy XIII-2YouTubeDailymotion
Episode Twenty: Snow Had Grenades OnceYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Twenty One: She's Incredible MathYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Twenty Two: Airships STILL Only Go DownYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Twenty Three: ChronobindYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Twenty Four: Coin Slot TechnologiesYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Twenty Five: At Least This One Has SingingYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Twenty Six: A Poker in the Eye of the BeholderYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Twenty Seven: There is Literally No Reason to Watch ThisYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Twenty Eight: You Can Start Watching Again NowYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Twenty Nine: Prophecy of HopeYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Thirty: Walk With MeYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Thirty One: A Big Field Surrounded by CliffsYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Thirty Two: Gluekake ModelYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Thirty Three: The Weather DeviceYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Thirty Four: Rare SpawnYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Thirty Five: One Thousand NeedlesYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Thirty Six: Tidying UpYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Thirty Seven: Let's Go Oerba ThereYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Thirty Eight: Wound and Wound and WoundYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Thirty Nine: Pokemon ReferenceYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Forty: Yeul be SorryYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Forty One: Green with EnvyYouTubeDailymotion
Episode Forty Two: Mood LiprashYouTubeDailymotion
Episode 42a: This is another blooperYouTube 
Episode Forty Three: X-teen AFYouTubeDailymotion
Episode 44a: Let's Do Something ElseYouTubeDailymotion
Episode 44b: Brain Hurt Game Bad...YouTubeDailymotion

Fan stuff

ScurvyKip posted:

I took it upon myself to rewrite the Shaft theme so it would fit this thread better:

Who's the black pilot dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks?
Ya damn right!

Who is the man that strikes poses while
He's in battle man?
Can you dig it?

Who's the cat with golden guns
A L'Cie who is on the run?
Right On!

They say this cat Sazh is a bad mother
I'm talkin' 'bout Sazh.

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him but Razputin

Now with singing added!

TurboFlamingChicken posted:

I drawed the best!

Mr Moon posted:

"What's this?" you cry, "art by someone actually involved in the LP being claimed as fan art? I call shenanigans!" but wait, this is not, in fact simple fan art of this LP, oh no. Notice that it contains Vincent Valentine of Final Fantasy VII fame, he is at best tangentially related to the goings on of this thread. What you actually see before you is Mr Moon's fan art of this excellent piece of fan fiction by deviantart user Charlett that masterfully crosses over our LP and Final Fantasy VII.

Zackcat posted:

12x13 is my otp

true love waits months for updates.

What is this? I don't even...

Pesky Splinter posted:

Sazh secretly wants to be Bayonetta, with guns on his shoes.

Please forgive my terrible attempt at art.

alcharagia posted:

So I hear someone said something about The Adventures of Lightning and Space Pope?

McDragon posted:

Pork Lift, Hbomb, you brought this on yourselves.

Vanille is dead, because that seems to be a running theme. I couldn't be bothered to find a colour like her hair. Snow has his hat and I imagine the way he would antagonise monsters would be with a rude sign. Sazh has an afro with Rasputin, and an awful beard because I can't draw them. He has a gold cannon coming out of his mouth because I don't know how a dog would hold a gun.

Also I drew a Flan because they are great. And the other party members are off screen because I couldn't be bothered to draw them so they are saying things that should make them recognisable.

Snow's sign probably says something like "I am a hero" on the other side.

capslocksaurus posted:

I can't believe I just wasted time drawing this thing but there you go

Pesky Splinter posted:

The return of the Crystarium song, and me listening to too much Pink Floyd has brought this on:

"CRYSTARIUM" aka "Darkside of Cocoon"

If you can't read the songs, it says:
"Ohh Crystarium! Crystarium!"
"Gonna Genesis me so Crystos tonite!"
"All Hail to the Chocobo! (Fuck Yeah! Rasputin!)"
"Space Pope Blues"


"The Division Fal'Cie" (puns are hard).

Gnomebitten posted:

I kinda like their Cieth Barret-era stuff better.

Also anime comparisons make me think. XIII would be a really great game if all the characters handled it as if they were from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.

Non-EuclideanCat posted:

I hope you are pleased with yourself, Pork Lift. Your nonsense made me learn something today. To make this, I had to learn a bunch of features on GIMP that I've never used before. (Granted, I've used GIMP maybe twice in all the time I've had it (several years), but still.)

Team Awesome is unhappy about being edged out by Team Suck.

DoctorCatapult posted:

Y'know what this train wreck of a game needs? More eidolons, Vanille, and ~anime~.

capslocksaurus posted:

I don't know what y'all keep going on about Lightning, she's an incredibly realistic and coherent character that goes through a lot of development and and and

Fandom!Secrets posted:

a boxing teahorse posted:

It's quite possible that I'm in need of therapy.

capslocksaurus posted:

EAT THIS! I staggered it for you and it is delicious.

capslocksaurus posted:

With the info I gathered from this LP thread I drew what I'm sure is an incredibly accurate portrait of Pork Lift

Anoia posted:

I've been laid up for the past week, so I've been catching up on videos in a pain pill haze. As a get well soon thing, my girlfriend offered to make me a plush of anything I wanted. Only one thing came to mind...

Rasputin made flesh plush.

The shades are also removable.

alcharagia posted:

I'm not Pork Lift, but I think I do a pretty okay flan voice.

Pesky Splinter posted:

The immature 12 year old in me is laughing at the fact that Snow just hugged Space Pope. Imagine how awkward that would have been if he kissed him while he's playing dress up as Serah.

Would you guys say that RoboPope was the head honcho?

capslocksaurus posted:

Hi thread it's me again, I have nothing better to do with my life than reminiscing about the good old days (of last week)

Clark_Mk_IV posted:

I know it's a little late, but I had this kicking around on my hard drive for awhile, and Porklift said to upload it, so here it is. Some fanart:

Hope you're happy Porklift.


capslocksaurus posted:


ArchWizard posted:

Flanman sounds like the name some angry boffin could have.

Dr. Flanman just spent the whole day getting commando on some science. Now he's mad at you for getting between him and a celebratory pint.


Mr. Moon posted:

And now what you've all* been waiting for:


Serah Farron

Everyone's favourite inanimate object from FFXIII is back, and now you can dress her up in pretty clothes! Hooray!

Noel Kriess

"Dear diary:

Why are all the good ones taken?? Just met this amazingly cute girl who seems interested and then as per usual it turns out she's dating some JERK JOCK.

Why can't a Nice Guy like me get anywhere with the ladies, diary?"

The Monsters

L-R: Milly, Sazh Katzroy, Clifford (the Big Red Flan)

Caius Ballad (aka Hipster Sephiroth With The Soul Edge Except Purple)

Dresses up like a member of a race his people genocided centuries before? Check.
Flagrantly breaks copyright law? Check.
Weird My Little Pony/Skrillex hairstyle? Check.
I bet he even has a tumblr full of instagrammed sepia photos of the pavement.

I'm sure more will come soon.

*Like, three of you

Mr. Moon posted:

And now....

Portraits Of The Characters Mr Moon Cares Less About (And Snow)

Lightning Farron

Is apparently Queen Shit of Time Mountain in this game, and is righteously pissed at Hipsterroth for some unexplained reason.

Snow Villiers

Wins the Groose Award for Best Worst Anime Hair In A Video Game.

Hope Estheim

Has graduated from "annoying and whiny" to "oh yeah he's around I guess".

And finally...

Lauren Lopez as Draco Malfoy Alyssa Zaidell

"I want Hope Estheim! And a rocket ship!"
Archive Index