IntroductionWhat is this?
Chickobo Emperor Rasputin's Pro Menu Navigator XIII or as it is better known Final Fantasy XIII is both (surprise, surprise) the thirteenth game in the long running Final Fantasy series of increasingly vaguely related japanese role playing games (you might have heard of it?)
In the time that this LP has been going, Fabulous Exploding Star Crystals may in fact have ceased to be a thing. The games still exist but What The Hell Is This And Why Does It Exist XIII has changed its name by deed poll in order to disassociate from its shameful relative and is now Final Fantasy Type 0. Tetsuya Nomura's Vanity Project XIII, on the other hand, has chosen to keep its name, hoping to regain the family honour (or just boost its own reputation by laying claim to the title of the real Final Fantasy XIII, you know, one or the other).
I play a lot of JRPGs but (for reasons that will almost certainly become clear as the thread goes on) I'm not exactly the biggest fan of Final Fantasy. However, import reviews made it sound like CERPMNXIII was trying really hard to be a game I'd like. Not necessarilly managing it you understand but trying really hard. Hard enough to make me curious enough to pick it up on launch BUT I was still convinced I'd hate it so I did what any self respecting horrible nerd would do and called up my good buddy Pork Lift so we could meet up and record our
So this is a blind, mostly unedited, pure VLP of a JRPG?
Pork Lift posted:
blind? Yes. But the game is so linear that this shouldn't be a problem. Unedited? No. We would mostly like to preserve the full gaming experience for your viewing pleasure but we aren't entirely above speeding up some sessions or adding additional interest for the sake of your sanity and ours
So who are all these people?
Spoilers follow, if you've only just found this LP or aren't up to date watching and you haven't played through the game yourself you might want to scroll past this bit real fast like.
wateyad suggested this in the first place and is the the one actually playing the game. He has played some portion of every main numbered FF since VI (excepting XI, which doesn't count) but only has any real fondness for IX. Despite this, he lists several JRPGs of varying degrees of obscurity among his all time favorite video games.
Pork Lift liked the idea so much he refused to drop it. He is not playing the game. He is however responsible for just about everything else, so you can blame him for any and all technical issues. He is drawn by some strange force to play each new Final Fantasy game despite having no reason to expect to enjoy them.
Mr Moon draws pretty pictures and hates Tetsuya Nomura's character designs.
Hbomberguy is some guy we got to commentate with us on the second half of the LP for some reason.
"Lightning" used to be a member of the Guardian Corps, the division of Cocoon's military that, as far as I can tell, fills the role that would be occupied by civilian police in any sane society. She has some kind of control over gravity or something, possibly granted by that little thing on her finger. It doesn't make a lot of sense. Nomura has gone on record saying that she was designed as a female version of Cloud Strife from FFVII. To begin with, Lightning is pretty inoffensive as she completely lacks any kind of personality so there's nothing to be offended by. Unfortunately she then proceeds to get all buddy buddy with Hope and whatever he has is contagious. Now she seems to have gone batfuck insane so we're okay with her again.
Sazh Katzroy is pretty awesome. He's out of place amongst the other party characters in a number of ways. He breaks the naming convention. He's just a guy, he is actually a human, empathisable character and frequently acts as the voice of reason. It must be some kind of mistake that he slipped into this game, we aren't complaining though. He would be the best character in the game if it weren't for...
Chickobo Emperor Rasputin, the true main character of the game. He rides around in the hair of his noble steed, Sazh and bides his time until his presence is needed.
Snow Villiers punches people... in the name of justice because he is a HERO. Also a paedophile, just saying.
Oerba Dia Vanille is chirpy, cheerful and completely detatched from reality... and occasionally sad?
Hope Estheim has ceased to be a whiny cunt but some of us still hate him.
NORA (No Obligations Rules or Authority) are a bunch of people who do what Snow tells them to. We aren't quite sure why. "Ironically" their acronym happens to also be the name of...
Nora Estheim, Hope's mother, who is dead.
Serah Farron is Lightning's sister and Snow's fiance. Whatever official materials may say she absolutely cannot be any older than sixteen, if that. She's currently turned to crystal, which would be good for our sanity if this game wasn't so incredibly fond of flashbacks.
Fang is Australian and snarky. One of the better characters.
Cid Raines is some kind of PSICOM big shot who-
Mr Moon posted:
LOOK AT THIS CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER why he's so WELL DRESSED and ERUDITE and BADASS and HANDSOME and I just DROWN in his EYES and oh jesus take me now oh prince of zepellins
...Anyway, apparently he was on our side but then he turned out to be a sanctum l'cie and fulfilled his focus by getting beaten up by us or something and now he's a crystal... or something. Fuck. This. Game.
Mr Moon posted:
beautiful even in death ;__;
Too bishounen for this world~
Mr Moon posted:
So bishounen one suicide just wasn't enough~
Mr Moon posted:
Hey there, Dajh.
Anime Sarah Palin was an antagonist.
This guy attempted to actually be a character at the last moment and made a "heroic sacrifice" I guess.
Mr Moon posted:
In a special guest appearance, on loan from Kojima Productions, we present Hal Emmerich as Bartholomew Estheim, being a significantly better dad to Hope than he was to that albino kid
Rygdea is Cid's subordinate I guess.
Galenth Dysely is the Primarch, in other words the head honcho of Cocoon's government and/or Space Pope. Only he's actually just an assumed identity for Barthandalus, king shit of Fal'Cie mountain.
|Episode 1: Too Old For This Shit||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 2: Moms are Tough||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 3: Asymmetrical Fish Cycles||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 4: Blame Snow||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 5: Fal'Ciemen Stain||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 6: I hope you like menus||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 7: The Inevitable Spiral Towards Depression||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 8: Enigmatic Fluid||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 9: Ripples of Destiny||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 10: City of the Recolours||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 11: In Search of the Lick Button||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 12: Ace Combat and Ice-Cycles||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 13: Sometimes you just do things||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 14: Everyone is Sephiroth||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 15: End of Day 1||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 16: Scraps and Recaps||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 17: Crafty Crafting||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 18: The Best Bit||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 19: Pretty Pony Princess||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 20: Contracting CIDS||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 21: HeroHeroSerahHero||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 21.5: These Files Are Huge (Special thanks to alcharagia for providing a replacement for the missing video.)||YouTube|
|Episode 22: Where the fuck have you been?||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 23: It's hard keeping track of all this jailbait!||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 24: Young Wenches||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 25: Tell my wife I said Blargh||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 26: Today we went bowling||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 27: Epaulettesy||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 28: The Good Thing About This Game is||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 29: Herpetology||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 30: It's a little bit funny||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 31: Metal Gear Coccoon||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 32: The Best Game||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 33: The Ultimate Upgrade Guide||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 34: Batman got nothing on me||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 35: We Don't Have Any Hope||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 36: You are Just Like Snow||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 37: I don't actually remember what happens in this one||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 38: Call me Clo||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 39: I Never DID Get to Talk About Monkey Island||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 40: Interrupting the Flow||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 41: Surrender NOW!||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 42: Let's Get Chatty||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 43: Paper Lion Cares About Vaginas||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 44: Tired of Running||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 45: Send In the Glowing Blue Veg!||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 46: Don't Fear the Midnight Reaper||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 47: A Failure Reel||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode 48: Sweet Ride||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode XLIX: (Pork Lift) You Are Terrible||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode XXXXX: Maybe Something Will Happen in This Video||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LI: Pork Lift's Crysticle||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LII: Déjà Vu||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LIII: We're Not Lost Are We?||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LIV: Moving Around A Circle||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LV: The Orange Level||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LVI: On A Wing||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LVII: We Can't Avoid Every Fight||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LVIII: That's Something||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LIX: Not The Big Showdown PART 1||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LIX: Not The Big Showdown PART THE SECOND||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LX: STILL Not The Big Showdown||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXI: The Death of Jihl Nabaat||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXI(a): Cooldown||YouTube||Viddler|
|Bonus Intermission: 3 Nerds 1 Cabin||Viddler|
|Episode almost but not quite 62: Caravan Rising||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXII: Caravan Risen||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXIII: Insincere and Weird||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXIV: The Air's All Gone To Rot||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episdoe LXV: AHHHH CHICKENS!||YouTube||Viddler|
|Bonus: Check Out My Sazh||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXVI: Hello, My Name is Imp C||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXVII: Something Actually Happens||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXVIII: Elevating||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXIX: We Have Fun (In Our Caravan In Wales)||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXX: Looks Like A Dead End||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXI: Kweh||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXII: A Very Final Fantasy Fire Effect||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXIII: Nothing Goes Wrong||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXIV: Everything Continues Swimmingly||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXV: Proceed with Maximum Ungowrongity||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXVI: Another Example of Masterful Play||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXVII: I Think We've Got This Game on The Ropes||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXVIII: I HATE THIS GAME||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXIX: Going the Other Way||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXX: Hybrid Flora||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXXI: No Really, Do Not Drink Slowga||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXXII: That Was A Skit||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXXIII: Are We Still On Namek?||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXXIV: Airships||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXXV: I Wonder How Many People Stopped Watching?||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXXVI: Pack Up Yer Troubles in Yer Old Kit Bag and Throw it on the Barbie||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXXVII: It Only Has Three Hands||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXXVIII: Disappointment||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode LXXXIX: BUFF YOU MORON!||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode XC: 'Making Roads Where Roads Ain't Meant To Go'||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode XCI: An Eidolon's Right To Bear Arms - Part 1||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode XCI: An Eidolon's Right To Bear Arms - Part 2||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode XCII: Hope's Army||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode XCIII: Talking to Serah||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode XCIV: Enter Taejin's Tower||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode XCV: The Second Tier or The First Floor||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode XCVI: The Illusion of Choice||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode XCVII: You Didn't Mention Pork Lift||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode XCVIII: What is Making that Noise?||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode IC: Let's 'Hope' He's Bluffing.||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV: 唯今||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CCCCDIIIIV: Write That One In Gold||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CII: This Game is On Rails||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CIII: Face Off||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CIV: Crash Course||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CV: At the Race Place||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CVI: We Do Not Endorse Theft||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CVII: Appropriately Linear||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CVIII: The Gardens of Eden||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CIX: Oh Hey, It's NORA.||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CX: Let's Reload||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CXI: Wings with Wings||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CXII: Chapter XIII||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CXIII: Hyperdimensional Quadrangles||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CXIV: Sound||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CXV: More of This||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CXVI: Did We Mention It's Raining?||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CXVII: This Game Goes Somewhere||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CXVIII: Unironically My Favourite Fight In The Game||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CXIX: The Lonely Wladislaus||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CXX: What Are We Even Trying to Achieve Here?||YouTube||Viddler|
|Episode CXXI: Screw... Destiny?||YouTube||Viddler|
|FINAL EPISODE: Clocking Out||Dailymotion||Viddler|
BONUS CONTENT SUPER EXTRAVEGANZA: Let's Not Finish Final Fantasy XIII-2
Final Fantasy XIII-2 is a video game. For this reason alone, you'd think it was a forgone conclusion that it was better than its immediate predecessor and you... might have a valid arguement, maybe? It's debatable. Whatever the case, it proved to be significantly less fun to LP and not more fun enough to play to make up for it. Oh, and parts of the script are agressively stupid in a way that isn't even funny. So yeah, we played it for... a lot of hours but didn't get anywhere near finishing it and then decided that for a variety of reasons, most stemming from our experience with the game, some not, to stop. From here on out this thread is, I guess, about how we arrived at that decision.
|Episode Minus One: The Recording Test, Back By Popular Demand||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Zero: This is a Blooper||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Nought Point Nine Nine: We Am Good At Timerings||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode One: A Tale of Soulless Husks and Swords||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Two: Am I Still Dreaming?||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Three: Mog Clocking||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Four: PREVIOUSLY ON FINAL FANTASY THIRTEEN TWO||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Five: Cat Facts with Resident #2||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Six: Chase that Child!||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Seven: Girl Bland and Boy Bland||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Eight: Important Balls||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Nine: Paradox Effect||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Ten: Choco-mazing!||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Eleven: Whaddya Know? It Talks.||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Twelve: What Does Mog Think?||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Thirteen: It's Always Chester||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Fourteen: Why Isn't it Called a Pheonix Up?||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Fifteen: Can We Choco?||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Sixteen: Shitty Useless Barry Attack||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Seventeen: They May Be Drawn By The Space Time Disturbance||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Eighteen: Well Done!||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Nineteen: Final Flantasy XIII-2||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Twenty: Snow Had Grenades Once||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Twenty One: She's Incredible Math||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Twenty Two: Airships STILL Only Go Down||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Twenty Three: Chronobind||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Twenty Four: Coin Slot Technologies||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Twenty Five: At Least This One Has Singing||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Twenty Six: A Poker in the Eye of the Beholder||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Twenty Seven: There is Literally No Reason to Watch This||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Twenty Eight: You Can Start Watching Again Now||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Twenty Nine: Prophecy of Hope||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Thirty: Walk With Me||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Thirty One: A Big Field Surrounded by Cliffs||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Thirty Two: Gluekake Model||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Thirty Three: The Weather Device||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Thirty Four: Rare Spawn||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Thirty Five: One Thousand Needles||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Thirty Six: Tidying Up||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Thirty Seven: Let's Go Oerba There||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Thirty Eight: Wound and Wound and Wound||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Thirty Nine: Pokemon Reference||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Forty: Yeul be Sorry||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Forty One: Green with Envy||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Forty Two: Mood Liprash||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode 42a: This is another blooper||YouTube|
|Episode Forty Three: X-teen AF||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode Forty Four: IF YOU CHANGE THE FUTURE YOU CHANGE THE PAUGGGGGGHH||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode 44a: Let's Do Something Else||YouTube||Dailymotion|
|Episode 44b: Brain Hurt Game Bad...||YouTube||Dailymotion|
I took it upon myself to rewrite the Shaft theme so it would fit this thread better:
Who's the black pilot dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks?
Ya damn right!
Who is the man that strikes poses while
He's in battle man?
Can you dig it?
Who's the cat with golden guns
A L'Cie who is on the run?
They say this cat Sazh is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I'm talkin' 'bout Sazh.
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!
He's a complicated man
But no one understands him but Razputin
Now with singing added!
"What's this?" you cry, "art by someone actually involved in the LP being claimed as fan art? I call shenanigans!" but wait, this is not, in fact simple fan art of this LP, oh no. Notice that it contains Vincent Valentine of Final Fantasy VII fame, he is at best tangentially related to the goings on of this thread. What you actually see before you is Mr Moon's fan art of this excellent piece of fan fiction by deviantart user Charlett that masterfully crosses over our LP and Final Fantasy VII.
What is this? I don't even...
Pesky Splinter posted:
So I hear someone said something about The Adventures of Lightning and Space Pope?
Pork Lift, Hbomb, you brought this on yourselves.
Vanille is dead, because that seems to be a running theme. I couldn't be bothered to find a colour like her hair. Snow has his hat and I imagine the way he would antagonise monsters would be with a rude sign. Sazh has an afro with Rasputin, and an awful beard because I can't draw them. He has a gold cannon coming out of his mouth because I don't know how a dog would hold a gun.
Also I drew a Flan because they are great. And the other party members are off screen because I couldn't be bothered to draw them so they are saying things that should make them recognisable.
Snow's sign probably says something like "I am a hero" on the other side.
Pesky Splinter posted:
The return of the Crystarium song, and me listening to too much Pink Floyd has brought this on:
"CRYSTARIUM" aka "Darkside of Cocoon"
If you can't read the songs, it says:
"Ohh Crystarium! Crystarium!"
"Gonna Genesis me so Crystos tonite!"
"All Hail to the Chocobo! (Fuck Yeah! Rasputin!)"
"Space Pope Blues"
"The Division Fal'Cie" (puns are hard).
I hope you are pleased with yourself, Pork Lift. Your nonsense made me learn something today. To make this, I had to learn a bunch of features on GIMP that I've never used before. (Granted, I've used GIMP maybe twice in all the time I've had it (several years), but still.)
Team Awesome is unhappy about being edged out by Team Suck.
Pesky Splinter posted:
FFXIII-2 related FANSTUFF
FFXIII-2 Related NOT QUITE TECHNICALLY FANSTUFF
Mr. Moon posted:
And now what you've all* been waiting for:
Everyone's favourite inanimate object from FFXIII is back, and now you can dress her up in pretty clothes! Hooray!
Why are all the good ones taken?? Just met this amazingly cute girl who seems interested and then as per usual it turns out she's dating some JERK JOCK.
Why can't a Nice Guy like me get anywhere with the ladies, diary?"
L-R: Milly, Sazh Katzroy, Clifford (the Big Red Flan)
Caius Ballad (aka Hipster Sephiroth With The Soul Edge Except Purple)
Dresses up like a member of a race his people genocided centuries before? Check.
Flagrantly breaks copyright law? Check.
Weird My Little Pony/Skrillex hairstyle? Check.
I bet he even has a tumblr full of instagrammed sepia photos of the pavement.
I'm sure more will come soon.
*Like, three of you
Mr. Moon posted:
Portraits Of The Characters Mr Moon Cares Less About (And Snow)
Is apparently Queen Shit of Time Mountain in this game, and is righteously pissed at Hipsterroth for some unexplained reason.
Wins the Groose Award for Best Worst Anime Hair In A Video Game.
Has graduated from "annoying and whiny" to "oh yeah he's around I guess".
Lauren Lopez as
Draco MalfoyAlyssa Zaidell
"I want Hope Estheim! And a rocket ship!"