Part 173: Chapter the Seventh: Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.
Chapter the Seventh: Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.February 1, 2025-February 28, 2025
Our big matches this month are a trip to Arsenal in the league and a trip to Madrid for the Champions League knockout round. Except I feel like all of our matches are now big matches, because Manchester United will still be two points ahead of us if we each win all our matches. We can't afford a single misstep, and that's hard when your players aren't taking Leeds United seriously.
Who had £91m as your tiebreaker? I don't think anyone had a number under £100m. This, by the by, means that entries to the contest are now closed.
Mujkic has kicked it into a new gear, and I'm loving it.
Meanwhile, I'm running out of shelf space in my office for these. I have nine of them from the Premier League alone.
Ouch. That's not a small monthly expenditure.
I bring this up for one reason:
Iranians cannot inherit citizenship through their mothers if they're not born in Iran, so his dad must have been all about assimilating when he emigrated to the Netherlands.
vs Liverpool, February 2, 2025
Premier League
It's amazing what a difference decent ownership can make for a club. Liverpool was a tire fire for the five years their prior owners took to crash them out of the top division for the first time since the 1960s. Two years under new ownership and they're right back up into the EPL and sitting comfortably midtable in their first season back. If their owners continue to impress in this way there might be a new rival for European qualification on the horizon.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Reed (c), Quiboulaz, Hammatt, Loseille, Shirra, Ünsal, Parr, Allan, Taborda, Thiago.
Subs: Murphy, Cirjak, Laux, Bailey, Petts, Mujkic, Aarts.
Liverpool start in a 4-4-1-1. Like most teams, they're going to look to score once or twice from counter attacks and set pieces, and it's imperative that we break through early to pull them out of their shell. They're doing exactly what they want to do, limiting us to three shots in the first 20 minutes, and our players are looking frustrated as attack after attack peters out against the 10 men Liverpool's stacked in their penalty area. That decides it, we need to play a more open, attacking style at the expense of some possession.
The change in style works, but our first shot to find the back of the net is negated by Allan mistiming his run to the near post by a fraction of a second and being a step offside. Doesn't matter, a minute later Taborda deftly controls an Ünsal pass with his back to the net, turns and beats his marker, and scores with his left foot. Now we can go back to our preferred style and Liverpool must sally forth if they want a point. When they try to do so it opens up the floodgates, with Allan and Taborda both finding much more room in which to work and putting us up 3-0 before the break. We see out the second half confidently, and the players show little complacency as the clock ticks down. Taborda gets his hat trick, and the supporters go home happy.
Man of the Match: El Compadrito.
Wrexham 4-0 Liverpool
This looked a lot worse on the pitch than it turned out to be. I thought he was going to be out weeks or months, not days.
Only Tounkara is looking like he's ready to make the leap to the senior team. Damgaard, Gabbianelli, and Ikeda have all been passable, but Kais Rouissi just doesn't seem to have the fire in his belly to harness his prodigious talent.
Almost all of our youth players are eligible to play for us without needing to be registered. That's nice, but not helpful now that we're in the knockout rounds and every game is life or death.
At Arsenal, February 5, 2025
Premier League
Arsenal sit two points behind us on the table. They beat us in our house back in September. It's time to return the favor as we travel to North London. I'm going to go out on the attack, with the 3-4-3 modified slightly so that Allan is playing as a Shadow Striker behind the front line of Aarts and Thiago.
Starting Formation: 3-4-3 Attack
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Reed, Hammatt, Quiboulaz, Laux, Loseille, Mujkic (c), Shirra, Allan, Aarts, Thiago.
Subs: Murphy, Cirjak, Taffarel, Bailey, Petts, Parr, De Blasio.
Two chances quickly flash by in the first five minutes, with Thiago's effort being hoofed away at the last moment and Loseille's bouncing back off the woodwork. Arsenal are flummoxed by our style and formation, after fifteen minutes we look like the team that's playing at home, not them. All of our chances go begging, however, and the final ten minutes of the half see them shaking off their surprise and beginning to assert control over the match.
When we come out in the second half, we once again befuddle Arsenal, as our formation stays the same but we're suddenly dropping back to defend and launching lightning quick counter attacks down the flanks. Once again we get all of the chances, and this time we finally get a goal in the 66th minute from a rebound that falls to the boot of Thiago after Allan is denied on a point blank effort by the opposing keeper. Once again, though, Arsenal put themselves back together and press us throughout the final minutes. This time, they also get a goal, three minutes from the death, and we're denied our victory. Once again, we take a single measly point from a match against Arsenal that we largely dominated.
Arsenal 1-1 Wrexham
vs Tottenham Hotspur, February 8, 2025
Premier League
Spurs are in 10th place, but have the 6th worst goal differential in the league. I want the team to bounce back quickly from the Arsenal draw, and are sending the boys out with orders to go for an early goal. We've only ever lost to Tottenham once, which is a bit surprising considering their reputation. Spurs are starting a 16 year old at right left back with 7 marking, 10 tackling, and 10 positioning, due to an injury crisis. Shahed Parr and Steve Reed are going to have a field day running at that poor kid.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Attack
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Reed, Quiboulaz, Laux, Taffarel, Bailey, Shirra, Parr, Allan, Mujkic (c), Thiago.
Subs: Murphy, Loseille, Hammatt, O'Hanlon, Petts, Taborda, Aarts.
We get a corner in the third minute and Thiago beats the Spurs player marking the far post to the ball for a very quick lead. It's exactly what I wanted. Thiago and Mujkic quickly put the game out of reach with goals in the 12th and 14th minutes, respectively, though Thiago got away with being a step offside. Both were set up by Allan, who's making the most of Stringel's absence to prove himself. Tottenham never had a chance.
Man of the Match: Thiago.
Wrexham 4-0 Tottenham
He's two goals behind Tottenham's Timothe Le Bris for the league lead.
Have a look at the relegation battle royale taking place. Three points separate 11th place Swansea and last place Burnsley. Any of those teams (and 10th placed Tottenham, who are only six points clear of the relegation zone) could go down.
Finally a tutelage link pays off. String now lists Meteor as “favored personnel” while Meteor has a similarly improved relationship with the flamboyant young Mexican.
Dylan Murphy returns to the youth team, (hopefully) never to be heard from again.
No huge changes, but plenty of shuffling. I have bad news for those who predicted no changes, every one of you but the one who picked the smallest tiebreaker is already eliminated.
vs Middlesborough, February 15, 2025
FA Cup, Fifth Round
Our feeder team won't be joining us, they couldn't get by the boys from Middlesborough in their fourth round replay. Too bad, I'd be curious to see what the Norwich team looked like without three of their regular attackers. With a trip to Madrid in the offing I've got to play a weaker than usual team, but that shouldn't bite us in the ass as I spent the entire pre-match press conference making comments to my players about how they can't expect to win by just showing up.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak, O'Hanlon, Laux, Loseille, Bailey, Petts, Taborda, Allan, Mujkic (c), Aarts.
Subs: Kocsis, Taffarel, Quiboulaz, Hammett, Shirra, Parr, De Blasio.
Taborda takes a second too long to find Mujkic breaking for the net, the goal is waved off in the second minute. They switch places 15 minutes later with Mujkic earning an assist for placing the ball on Taborda's forehead from a free kick. Aarts has a goal called back for offside as well, so at the half we're only up by one. We have a third goal disallowed when O'Hanlon is way offsides when Mujkic takes a free kick, I have no clue what he was thinking. Our fifth goal, from Taborda to Meteor, does count, and I can finally stop seeing visions of a squandered victory dance before my eyes. It turns out we needed the two goals, Middlesborough scores in stoppage time because our players were flat out lazy. I berate them for their performance in the final twenty minutes, and it seems to get their attention.
Man of the Match: Rodrigo Taborda
Wrexham 2-1 Middlesborough
Fresh out of the trainers room, he's got a request:
: Someone find my checkbook.
: Who has a checkbook these days? Just use your MultiPass.: My what?: Moooul. Teee. Passss.: Oh, right.
So how much do you want? £60K a week? £70k?
This is a joke, right? Let me get back to you. I'll call you, don't you call me.
This has not been a good day. First Stringel wants to triple his wages, and now I find out that we have to go to Manchester for our next FA Cup match.
This proves
At Atletico Madrid, February 18, 2025
Champions League, Knockout Round Away Leg
Since it was such a surprise to Arsenal that we came out in the 3-4-3, perhaps we can surprise Madrid in the same manner. A little more finishing against Arsenal and we'd have walked away with a clear victory.
Starting Formation: 3-4-3 Attack.
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Hammatt, Quiboulaz, Laux, Reed, Taffarel, Ünsal, Shirra, Aarts (c), Stringel, Thiago.
Subs: Kocsis, Cirjak, Taborda, Bailey, Allan, Mujkic, Parr.
Atletico are unimpressed with our tactical shenanigans, and immediately make us pay for our presumption. The ref is not a fan of our English roughhousing style, and I have to both call off the press and yell at the defense to stop diving into their tackles to avoid yellow cards. We staunch the bleeding and even create some shots of our own, but with half an hour remaining it's clear that if we want to salvage a draw we need to go to the 4-2-3-1. Off go Hammatt and Aarts, on come Mujkic and Parr.
It doesn't help, and with five minute left I'm pulling a punchless Thiago and moving Stringel up top in a last effort to manage an away goal. We earn opportunities to get our equalizer at the very end of the match, but our shots are harmless and we're going to need to win in Wrexham or go down to Atletico for the second season in a row.
Atletico 1-0 Wrexham
Oh my. Man City are in a fight with Chelsea for the final Champions League berth, and it looks like Pattison's job is riding on winning it.
Not only is the U-20 CONCACAF championship being held this year, but we have the Gold Cup in July and the Confederations Cup in June. This also means we won't be playing Scotland and Wales, as those friendlies will be nixed for the Confederations Cup.
You really shouldn't admit things like that. But you do have Leeds outside six points up on the relegation shuffle at the moment, which is way better than you managed with Southampton. Maybe you're learning.
At Leeds United, February 22, 2025
Premier League
C'mon Tosh.2. You're no Amy Schumer, much less Key and Peele.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Reed, Quiboulaz, Laux, Taffarel, Shirra, Ünsal, Parr, Allan, Mujkic (c), Thiago.
Subs: Kocsis, Cirjak, Hammatt, Petts, Taborda, Stringel, Aarts.
Leeds' keeper giftwraps a goal for Thiago in the ninth minute, tossing it to him as if he expected Thiago to pass it back. Instead, Thiago's eyes went as wide as saucers and he launched it straight past the keeper and into the back of the net. He doesn't have to work much harder for his next goal, after receiving a ball that Mujkic had muscled off of a Leeds midfielder. I'm pleased as punch until I watch our defense proceed to miss three easy interceptions in giving up a goal going the other way.
No worries, though, because the mono-monikered Brazilian earns his hat trick by the time 20 minutes have elapsed. Allan makes it 4-1, but a mistake by Matthias Laux allows Leeds to keep it within two. Laux continues to shit the bed in the second half, getting sent off five minutes before the hour for his second yellow card. We have no problem seeing out the win, but our second half performance was not so impressive and we really should have won 7-0.
Man of the Match: Thiago
Leeds 2-4 Wrexham
Kid, you played like warmed over shit and then got sent off. Tell me I'm wrong to my face.
I didn't think you could.
With that hat trick he's up to 17 league goals, and tops among all EPL snipers.
I mentioned this was coming.
That's a downy soft group. Mexico and England are advancing to the quarterfinals. Also, this means that New Zealand must have lost to Tahiti, which... geez Kiwis, how'd you even manage that? Forget to attend the game because you were enjoying the beach too much?
That's possibly an even softer group, like one of those pillows that your head sinks so far into you're staring up at a narrow canyon to your ceiling. We're definitely getting to the Quarterfinals, where we'll probably face Mexico or England. Meanwhile, Canada must be thanking it's lucky stars. CONCACAF only gets one entrant, which is invariably the United States or Mexico. But because we're hosting and automatically qualify and Mexico won the most recent World Cup and automatically qualify, the spot goes to Canada.
At Newcastle, February 26, 2025
Premier League
Newcastle are one of four Premier League clubs that we have a losing record against in my tenure, and the other three are the Manchesters and Chelsea. Our record against them is four wins, two draws, and five losses in eleven matches since 2017. Can we finally beat them for the first time in two goddamned years? If I were a betting man I'd say no, because they're in last place and Fate fancies itself a comedian.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Reed, Hammatt, Quiboulaz, Loseille, Shirra, Ünsal, Parr, Stringel, Mujkic (c), Thiago.
Subs: Kocsis, Cirjak, O'Hanlon, Bailey, Allan, Taborda, Aarts.
Stringel gives us the early lead in the 12th minute, arriving just in time to put a Mujkic cross beyond the startled goalie. He gets a second when Thiago pulls his patented “lurk five yards from the keeper holding the ball and wait for them to stupidly put it on the ground” move, which results in the Leeds keeper losing possession and Stringel coming upon the ball so close to the goal a six year old could finish the job. The two year fever dream that kept Wrexham in the thrall of Newcastle is banished two minutes later, when Thiago bombs towards the near post on a Mujkic corner to make it three-nil.
Man of the Match: Isaac Stringel
Newcastle 0-3 Wrexham
We beat them so bad they fired their manager.
You tell one wonderkid you'll give him a new contract and it's yap yap yap.
I don't make the same mistake with Loseille that I did with Stringel. He has three years left on his contract, whereas Stringel had two. That gives him less to grump about until the point sometime a year and a half from now that I give him an extension.
Because our Gold Cup team will be meeting up for training at the same time as our Confederations team is playing, the USMNT will be sending a B squad to the Gold Cup. Luckily, Mexico has to do the same, so we won't be wildly outmatched when we play them. And I don't even want to know what a Canadian B team looks like. It might just be eleven guys they find on the streets of Vancouver.
Those two points we dropped at the Emirates might decide the title. Manchester United just won't lose. They embarrassed City 4-0 in their last match, and they'll be four points up on us if they win their games in hand. And we're facing a win or go home situation against Atletico. I want to avoid going out to them for a second season in a row like the Pennsylvania Dutch want to avoid electric appliances. And lastly we have to go into the heart of the beast for our next FA Cup match, one of the few places in the world where I don't think we're favorites to win. So, excitement and existential terror await!
