Part 41

You're the ones that've been-
Cutting into your profits. Yes. We were trying to do you in. There's no point in lying about it.
So what do you want from us, then?
A partnership.
...
Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are.
Right. So after doing everything you could to ruin us, suddenly you want to buddy up? How about you hop aboard and I'll show you what I think of-
Whoa, whoa! Hostility alert! We don't need to be hating on each other here. Let's all take a moment and just chill.
I don't-
chiiiiiill





That's better. Now let me tell you kids a story. There's a very important man in Kukubia called Emperor Dred Nicolson. You know him?
Yes.
Right. One day, Emperor Dred Nicolson looked at the trading companies of Kukubia and decided to run a little competition. He declared that the first one to hit a million kubars would receive his royal support from there on out. They'd be set for life!
The Emperor said th-
Shh. Storytime. Now, there's this other guy called Hoff Miester. He ran one of the companies, and he wasn't too keen on fading into obscurity. So he concocted a diabolical plan to make sure he came out on top.
Which brings me to my point. This whole thing we were doing? Operation Piranha Swarm? It was Hoff Miester's idea. He put it all together, he called us in, gave us activities, and we all did what we were told like good little children.
But the thing about Hoff Miester is, he's a dick. And the thing about dicks is, they fuck people. Turns out he just wanted us to take ourselves out of the runnings so that he'd have free rein. And if we did some damage to you in the meantime, so much the better.
So what, now you want to help us take him down? Why?
Would you believe we're filled with righteous fury and only want to see justice prevail?
...
...
Didn't think so. We want to sell ourselves.
What?
Our companies. The deal is this. If we manage to get you to one million kubars before Hoff Miester, we get a little "early retirement package", and you go on to become the most successful trading company in Kukubia.
And if you don't?
Then you don't pay us a single kubar. Either way, you win. So to speak.
This all sounds great, but what are you actually going to do for us?
Advertising. As of now, you can save your money. We'll be making sure the market's well stocked wherever you go.
Plus, I get around. I meet interesting people in interesting places. Got a few favours I can call in in your name, is what I'm saying.
What about you, cowboy?
I'm terribly sorry but my friend here
Um.
is mute
damn it puffer
I can clean your ship?
...
Tidy your office? Alphabetize your documents?
puffer have you considered a career in gravedigging
Maybe we don't actually need all three of you.
Sorry. This is a package deal. You want the fries, you have to buy the burger.
Wait. Wouldn't that mean we're the fries? We're the side dish?
If you want the burger, you have to buy...
Look, it doesn't matter.
well i for one think it DOES
Yeah, one sec.



Are we sure we want to associate with these three?
If they wanted to spy on us, or...whatever it is, they'd do it. And they're not asking for payment up front. I don't see the problem.
Yeah, I'm more worried about the crap we were just hearing. 'Cause if we do this, we're gonna have to keep in touch with them, and we're gonna have to listen to that. Every day.
Right. Yes. That would be an issue, since you and I don't have inane conversations ever.
It's different when we do it, though.
Why?
It's like holiday photos, you know? You look at your own and go "Haha, good times." Someone else shows you theirs and you're like "For fuck's sake shut up I'm not interested."
...
What?
There is a potentially life-changing business decision to be made here, and you're talking to me about holiday photos.
Fine.



Alright, we've decided. We-
RAWR I AM MR ROKE
IA IA CTHULHU FHTAGN
Don't touch me! Stop touching me!



Are you sure?
Yes.





Incoming transmission, sirs.



Hello.
Oh, hey. The L-Tech guy.
...yes. That's me, alright. The "L-Tech guy." Thanks for that.
Can we help you?
Not as such. To my everlasting delight, I've been told that I'm to furnish you with a brand new 8-kuarp engine today. Free of charge.



Oh, and I'm supposed to give you a message as well.
What's that?
"Courtesy of Gizzy Shipping. What up my homiez."
And there are seven "z"s in "homiez".
Say it properly, then.
I'd rather not.
Ooh. Failure to deliver a message correctly? I bet the Big L-Tech Guy would love to hear about that.
...
"What up my homiezzzzzzz."
Recorded and saved. Much appreciated.





Holy balls, guys. You do know we can only carry 245 tons, right?
We have to keep ourselves going too. And I wouldn't put it past Hoff Miester to steal some of it.
Oh, of course. But you'd never do a thing like that.
Yeah yeah. Show me a man who's never done something he wasn't proud of. Then we'll talk.
Hi.
...
You can go ahead and talk now.






Oh wait, there was that one time.
Never mind!







Uh. This is a trick question, right?
If she really doesn't want it, I suppose there's no harm.
I...I dunno. Maybe we should say no.
You're turning down free money?
Not exactly. Normally I'd take it, but this looks like one of those things where you're supposed to turn it down and get a greater reward. You know, for conquering your greed or whatever.
True. But the "greater reward" in those stories is usually wisdom or inner fulfilment or something like that.
...
So. You think inner fulfilment is worth more than eleven grand?
Well-
That is a trick question.