Part 9: GondorrheaUpdate 8: Gondorrhea
Gond was historically founded upon the premises of life, staying alive, and the pursuit and consumption of other beings.
Oh, uh, hey. Right! We made a little mistake last time. Just a little mistake that unleashed a handful of bloodthirsty killing machines into a pristine ecosystem unchecked and undamaged. But we can make up for that!
10-Jurassic Park (SNES) - Raptor Rap
(CLICK HERE for the wonders of the World Bazaar)
See? Already our labours are bearing fruits!
And I don't mean plums or cherries we're talking watermelon-scale stuff here.
If you look very closely at Nona's food storage box, you'll see a thin green line cutting it in half. Thanks to the World Bazaar, every one of our cities now has a Food Hoard - only half of its food storage will be consumed when it fills up and makes another citizen for the city. This is a HUGE improvement in growth rates for our entire empire. Good job, Nona.
And it can only get bigger from here!
Our wandering southern Brachiosaurus glimpses one of the consequences of our folly in the distance. Christ those little bastards move fast - five tiles a turn. They could be ANYWHERE by now. Doing anything.
Ceratosaurs are nice - six attack ain't nothing to sneeze at - but they have comparatively bad defense and they don't move any faster than Oviraptors. This will bear bigger fruit later on.
No. I probably need walls, but I have a better idea about how to get them.
That lonesome, lonely, outdated Iguanodon was just scouting out the last few bits of empty map southwest of Gond itself and now it's dumped an entire bin of angry, antsy murderfuckers into our backyard. Yes, plan Walls is going to have to start now.
Our fish has found two things. One of them is this dead-end, empty, dull, boring ol' bay.
The other is weirder: how can there be a barbarian Ceratosaurus here when I've only seen Deinonychus and Iguanodon in the wild?
Nona, we probably need this. A wall to end all walls, a wall for every city everywhere, a wall that makes walls obsolete.
And we'll make it out of dirt.
(CLICK HERE for the wonders of the Foraging Party)
Since we built it, they will come.
This is huge for Parcae - it's harvesting spice tiles and the ocean exclusively, so it effectively gains +1 Trade per citizen. Look at all that cash and science rolling in!
I guess we found out where all those Deinonychus in the south went.
...Man, the Marish must be PISSED.
If there's anything my childhood taught me, it's that long necks are good.
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Told you so.
Right up there with Vancouver, now! Of course, each of our inhabitants outweighs the average Vancouverite three or forty to one.
And a good portion of that is Gond. You go, Gond.
Specifically, you go and build an Ankylosaurus. I know I've left your ass hanging bare out of your pants for a hundred and twenty-five million years, but now that your backwoods are potentially full of angry Deinonychus you probably should have at least one guy willing to prevent you from being bulldozed into the swamp.
The World Bazaar is REALLY doing work.
Yeah, the Marish ain't doing so hot. And we don't even have an option to not bulldoze the place, let alone give it back.
For fuck's sake how many times do we have to learn what teeth are before you people are satisfied. NO.
Civilization 2 - Funeral March
Man I didn't even know these guys EXISTED. They can't have been that big if what's left of the Marish could tackle them, though. If only there'd been some way for us to know before that happened...
...So let's get to work on it, then.
How do you all find enough time to do that shit when you're constantly building giant mudwalls and complex food supply systems for me.
Diplodocus is a water unit of all things - shades of the old snorkeling sauropods found in less modern paleoart, I suppose. It's also sort of useless for our purposes.
The Press Gang, however, is a very different beast. We want that.
In broader news the official West-East Gondwanan Highway is nearing completion, meaning that Morta will now be at the ass end of nowhere as opposed to the ass end of the ass end of nowhere.
Jesus. Parcae's an unending parade of money. You know what'd make that even better?
Even more money.
It's not as if we aren't still making science almost as fast as we're making babies. Though a lot of it's useless - I mean, look at this little guy,
And good? It's also great.
Civilization 2 - Funeral March
As opposed to the Marish. Jesus fuck dude you're being devoured inside-out by angry dromaeosaurs, how do you have time to be this big a dick to tiny insignificant civilizations.
Well, someone's going to have to do something soon. There's a lot of problems out there, and we caused some of them. We've got to take respgondability.
We've got to let the world know who we are and what we are going to do.
We're going to show them just how gentle, caring, and wonderful we really are.
And if they disagree they're going to have to fucking explain it to an awful lot of us. We're Calgary, motherfuckers!
NEXT TIME: SHITHEAPS, HEALTHY COMPETITION, WE'RE NOT CALGARY.