Part 12: Of course this thing won't crash, NOTHING goes wrong in RPGs
As long as we agree that the cleric is far and away the strongest stock class, everything's okay. Any disagreement with this proclamation will be met with incredulous arguments delivered with ABSURD formatting.
Update 11: Of course this thing won't crash, NOTHING goes wrong in RPGs
When we left our party, we thought we were about to enjoy a
We were wrong.
Why did he say all that? Maybe I should just hang around in Targos while you guys go...
Come on! Use what little bit of orc you have in you and STOP BEING WEAK!
That was surprisingly motivational, Urggzob.
Urggzob has been taking public speaking lessons.
I could knock you out while we were in the air.
I...would rather it didn't come to that.
We get to FLY! Yaaaaay!
I occasionally envy your ability to completely disregard what's going on around you so you can be blissful in your own little fantasy world.
So we take off. We're then immediately attacked...by a cutscene!
...a boring-ass cutscene, that is. Like watching pages? Even...pans and zooms across pages? Then this* is the game for you!
*this or a Ken Burns documentary
And lo! We finally hit chapter two. Cruising right along, yeah? Yeah.
We all wake up, slowly, in the wreckage of Oswald's ship. Our weeks of intense training let us pass out in formation during airship crashes.
We wake Oswald (not pictured: Clicking thirty times on the dialogue options to wake him up), only to be told that we need to bugger off and find the things to fix his stupid ship.
I suppose telling you all "I told you so" at this point would be moot.
When isn't your talking moot?
It wouldn't be moot if he was a mute!
That only vaguely makes sense. Why did you even say that?
I like rhyme.
Always time for a rhyme, I say!
I will break you, Pip.
We step outside, and two items are rapidly brought to our attention: There's a pile of wood here, which we need for Oswald's spell, and someone's crying for help SOMEWHERE nearby.
Guys, we need to go help Captain Yurst!
Help who now?
Captain Yurst. He's the guy crying for help right now.
How do you know who it is? Are you friends with this Captain fellow?
Never met him.
Then how the hell are you so sure of the voice?
DO NOT ANSWER because Urggzob has TOO MUCH of a headache right now!
We defeat a boring beetle, then head on our way. However...well, there's traps everywhere, too.
Aach! Damn these confounded snow-traps!
My natural affinity suggests that these traps are not naturally-occuring.
Thank you so very much. Tell me, does your natural affinity tell you that snow is cold?
No, I figured that one out when--
Hey, let's not fight!
Each other, I mean.
What the--? More beetles, everyone. Heads up.
These aren't so bad, at least.
There's the Captain!
You and your--
Well I'll be.
What the hell kind of question is "Why are giants killing you?"
It helps to know these things.
So when someone finds you at the bottom of a well, arms and legs at unnatural angles, they should first ask "Why are all of your limbs horribly mangled?"
That, or "Are you well?"
Let's just have Urggzob kill some giants.
Is good plan!
We head towards where the giants are located, but first:
EEEK! Kill kill kill!
You confuse me at times, Pip.
Partway through the fight, the spiders receive backup in the form of a bevy of boring beetles.
This is becoming tedious.
One can see why they're called "boring" beetles. Annoying beetles would work as well, though.
Waaaa, Urggzob wants to crush GIANTS, not BUGS!
So, we do just that.
After fighting some more boring beetles, we return to the Captain.
Come now, fellow! Stiff upper lip!
I'm not sure that's helping him.
I meant literally. He's frozen.
Just...don't set him on fire. We'll find something to help him out.
Exploring north, we're faced by sudden and unexpected yeti ambush. There's some werewolves, too, for some weird reason.
Chased by a yeti! Chased by a yeti!
Would you like me to...throw some confetti?
NOW IS NOT THE BLOODY TIME FOR THAT, PIP!
I thought it was kinda funny...
Hang on, no one help him for a sec. This is good watching.
Eventually, the yetis fall to our combined might, as do the boring beetle reinforcements. We discover a healing stone, and return to the amazingly-not-dead-yet Captain Yurst to see if it'll help him.
Nope. All that trouble to learn that a half-dragon lady stole his troops.
Before any further action is taken...
The company decides to destroy the beetle's nest. We thought the attacks would end then and there.
We were wro-
We, uh...move right along. A panther challenges us as we advance.
Urggzob is not told off by crazy creepy talking cats!
Hang on...I don't like the idea of a cult around here; they might interfere with things.
Don't worry, man. I'm sure we'll be back to bungle our way through this situation, too.
Searching, perhaps, for a way AROUND this whole ordeal instead of straight through it leads to:
Another busted bridge. Despite there being no sane reason for us not to just cross anyhow, we don't cross.
Why don't we just...walk over? The creek it spans is frozen solid.
NO! Urggzob will not cross unless he can fix it.
And there're no dams nearby for you to destroy for raw materials, are there?
No. Makes Urggzob sad.
Any rate, we come upon this...initially friendly fellow.
Hey, that's the cultist panther-person was talking about.
Quite so. Watch as I defuse the situation with my rapier-sharp wit.
No, you fool!
See? That wasn't so bad.
He sure does have lots of scrolls focused around blood and disease.
You wanna get one?
No, I...they make me ill. I'd rather not.
Is something in cave behind cult man!
What? Huh. Clobberella, go take a look.
Damn you. Fine, fine...
What a way to botch things there, princess.
Hells take you.
I'm not sure how I feel about a body-builder werewolf.
Seriously, those pecs put Urggzob to shame.
Naaaagh! This cannot stand!
Yeah. He did some damage to Clobberella, though, but...
Clobby? What's wrong?
She's gone beserk! They must have hit her with a spell!
What does this mean?
It means she's unable to contain her aggression, and will take it out on the closest or most aggravating target.
Oh high heavens.
She's gaining! Try going faster!
Of course she's gaining! SHE'S ALMOST NAKED, SHE CAN RUN FASTER THAN ALL OF US!
Why...why did she stop?
Not a second too soon. That punch hurt.
Guys...she's bleeding pretty bad. I mean, really bad.
Is...is she gonna be alright?