Part 17: Whose house?
Fucking FINALLY. I'd say a grand total of six hours went into playing this section, so you sods had better damn appreciate it. That said, I clearly love you all, or I would have killed myself and given up by this point.
Update #16: Whose house?
So it's clear we're not getting through this door without the key.
What do we need in here anyhow?
...the priestess, Pip. A little focus, please.
And the only way to get the key is through the "battle square"?
Amazingly astute of you.
Man, that sounds like some kind of game.
Yes it does! Urggzob's kind of game!
Soooo...how does it work?
Let's go see.
Okay, that's odd. All but one of us are teleported to a safe room while the combatant - Urggzob, of course - fights monsters one at a time by selecting squares in the grid. There are ten "ranks," each of which with five "levels," and to complete each level he needs to fill in three, four, five, six, or seven squares on the grid.
That's a decent amount of fighting. Won't it take a while?
Man, it'll take forever. That's what, two hundred fifty individual fights for all of the levels?
Well, at least I can pass the time with my bongos now that Urggzob is off being busy.
Hoo boy. This may get old fast.
True to word, Urggzob fights things ONE at a time.
When he kills them...
The square fills in with a pair of axes to signify that we've won it.
Killing enough monsters to get three in a row ends the level, no matter how many squares are filled. So, when going for higher levels, one must be careful not to accidentally get three in a row too early.
Anyways, that's how it works.
Oh, that was fast. I was worried for a second we'd be here until Urggzob killed all of them.
See, you were all making it up to be so much worse than it was.
Quite right. Shall we be off then?
NO! Little girls will SIT DOWN, because Urggzob is not finished with this game!
Damn damn damn.
Rank one, you may have noticed, has monsters that weren't tough five levels ago.
Urggzob is not playing this game to yawn monsters to death! Come on, girly square...thing! CHALLENGE!
This, by the way, is one way to fill out a level five square. At this point I have completed one of ten ranks.
Bah ha ha, children! Urggzob is just beginning his rampage!
And this is the loot we get for beating rank one. Each rank has a different special item up for grabs, some of them useless and some of them game-breaking. This one is kinda handy.
Fine job and all. Are we done yet?
He's got that look in his eyes. I don't think he'll be done for a while yet.
Oh, bother. I'm going to be starved for entertainment, aren't I?
I could tell stories about the trees and the seasons!
Thanks, no. I'd kill a priest for a good hooker right now, though. Closest we have is Clobberella.
Not necessarily, 'Ronius...
Hey, guess what? I'm officially declaring the rest room a "no-sexual-tension zone," and putting anyone who disagrees in Otiluke's Resilient Sphere.
...on with Rank 2.
HAAAA! Urggzobe does not care that skele-giant is resisting his attacks! HE WILL BE CRUSHED!
Neither does Urggzob care that he faces giants and worse! They will fall before his might!
Pah! Again, no challenge! MORE RANKS, MORE CRUSH!
Wait a sec, what did we get from this rank?
Oh. Oh my, yes. Marty, drink this.
What is it?
I'll tell you afterwards.
Sounds like a plan to me!
How do you feel?
Did you just brainwash him?
I can see the forever universe!
Brainwash, maybe not. But you definitely broke him.
Clouds full of the sky, drinking in the stars and beaming their secrets into my brain!
That may not have done what I wanted it to. Hm.
Meanwhile, we buff Urggzob up to tackle rank 3.
Yes, YES! When Urggzob crushes, the people listen!
That sounds like a very violent political slogan.
Urggzob is running for Chief Secretary of Finance, the Interior, and CRUSHING!
This, by the way, is what happens if Urggzob fails to kill a monster in the requisite sixty seconds.
Gahh, UNTHINKABLE! Cowardly beast kept dodging my CRUSHES!
Not too shabby. Not that I can use it, of course, but maybe Marty can get some mileage out of it.
A billion spiders of unaccountable knowledge are chewing on my soul!
Maybe not right away, though.
Hah, finally! Come to your doom, giant!
You as well, giant bug! Urggzob has plenty of doom to share!
As the ranks go up, though, something frustrating happens.
...that's right, monsters ignore Urggzob and teleport to the rest of the party. Every time this happens, I have to load, because I can't get credit for them. By the end, roughly half of the monsters I face do this regularly.
Ack! What manner of trickery is this?
That's a monster, Mr. Napalm.
I KNOW that, I was being rhe-
Killed it for you.
STOP STEALING URGGZOB'S KILLS!
Rank 4 in the books. I missed the screenshot, but we got some boots of Electrical Resistance. Nothing fancy.
Onward, onward! Urggzob is a force UNSTOPPABLE!
Meet the very special hell that is Urggzob's axe, giant! Ua ha haaaa!
Our rank five prize. Urggzob gets this one.
We continue. Guess where about I got tired of taking so many similar screenshots...?
New monsters, at least.
No problems! Urggzob will kill as many fat, dead bastards at it takes!
And so, rank six comes and goes.
Holy...wow. Just wow.
The club, they say, the club has the secrets! Seeee-crets!
What was that all about?
Well, Marty's kind of right. This thing is absurdly powerful.
Fine then! Urggzob will test the little stick!
Mm-hmm. Getting to be a familiar routine by now.
And done. Once again I missed the item, but it's just a spear. No one in the party uses spears, so it's vendor fodder.
Hah, yes! This little stick is fun, for sure, but it lacks the respect that Urggzob commands with his giant axe of CRUSH!
Oh, yay! A new bow, and it's fabulous!
Mm, yes, quite. I'm just hoping I walk away from this festival of twiddling my thumbs with more than some shock-proof-boots.
Finally, getting close.
Well...this is a really nice wand, and all, but I've never been too fond of Necromancy. Mr. Napalm, why don't you have this one?
This will do.
THANK THE GODS.
Did you children hear that? Urggzob is the BATTLE SQUARE MASTER!
Way to go!
The gods are laughing at us! LAUGHING, I say!
Well done, Urggzob.
Indeed. You've done yourself proud, old chap.
...did you just offer a sincere compliment?
Truly so. It caused marginally less physical pain than I thought it might.
Our rank ten prize.
Oh my...well, since no one else uses short swords, I'll take this one.
And finally, our Final Prize.
I, uh, I guess I'll take this one too. What with the guy who made it being an abjurer, and my being an abjurer, and...
We get it.
Okay. Don't want to seem greedy.
...so, uh...what now?
Urggzob is bored.
THERE, you beautiful bastards. This was remarkably soul-crushing, I'll have you know. Generally speaking, you're meant to come back and finish the last few ranks near the end of chapter four when you're several levels higher. Fuck that noise; Urggzob's just too damn awesome to hear of it.
Back on track with the next update, I promise.