Part 36: Dragon's Eye'm Running out of Puns (part 3)
Update #35: Dragon's Eye'm Running out of Puns (part 3)
Ever deeper into Dragon's Eye does our intrepid party venture.
I've mentioned how much I hate caves, yes?
We're all sick of hearing it, for sure.
But I've at least managed to sway some of you to my anti-cave philosophy, haven't I?
I used to think caves were spiffy and mysterious, but now I'm confused and unsure of my sense of self. Also, I'm no longer as enthusiastic about caves.
Pah. Squishies live in caves. Urggzob likes to find them.
At least it's warm in here. Now if it didn't smell like cheap incense and snakes I'd be set.
I wasn't aware snakes had a particular smell associated with them.
I've lost all sense of smell. Funny that -- it's like it was never there to begin with.
Aww, poor thing. Do you have a cold? I can make some soup if you do!
Surprise, ladies, gentlemen, and Clobberella. Another cave.
Urggzob wants to hunt snake-men.
Why do I get the feeling that they'll swarm us any second now?
Perhaps because we instinctively abandon all sense of stealth or tactics every time we go through a door or down a staircase?
I've been meaning to talk to you all about that.
I'm just afraid Urggzob will crush me if I don't get through soon enough.
I have genuinely no idea what's going on, so I just follow everybody!
I think it stems from the vague suspicion that I hate myself.
Urggzob is just afraid he will miss the opportunity to crush little wizard if he doesn't hurry.
I knew it.
Aha, there they are.
Come and have a helping of axecrush! IS A FEAST OF PAIN!
I'm somehow not convinced Urggzob is any kind of chef, deadly or no.
I'm almost willing to give him a try, after you cooking for us so long. I'm becoming soundly tired of pine needle salad.
But it's GOOD for you!
Yeah, but you're an elf. Real people need to eat meat once in a while, and other things with, you know...flavor.
Well, I don't usually do it, but I could start giving you guys meat.
Okay, even I'm flabbergasted by that one.
You're learning, Sally.
...Kruskrak, did you just kill two of them AT ONCE?
Ah ha ha, no matter! Urggzob is feeling generous today, and little wizard can have those kills!
Well, um, thanks. I think.
Touch one more and Urggzob will remove an arm. Slowly.
Well, let's...wait, what the hell is that?
Fireball. I set it there in case they tried to sneak up on us.
Did it not occur to you we may want to go down that passageway at some point?
Fie on that. If I want to disarm it, it's no big issue.
You can dispel it with your magic?
What? No, nothing that complicated. I'll just tell Urggzob it's a fire elemental, and he'll charge right into it.
A what? Where for Urggzob?
Nothing. Wait, actually...I think another--
Another tally for the sadly empty "plans which have actually worked" column, Pip.
I have to say, Pip, you keep track of the damnedest things.
You never know when it'll come in handy to recall how many enemies we defeated with or without gloves on!
Where do you even GET all that paper?
That or he ransacks every library we come across. We know how well he does with books and the whole "not destroying them" aspect of books.
I said I was sorry for that one.
Urggzob sees a new foe! TO BATTLE!
Oh hell, that's an iron golem, isn't it? Those things are terrifying.
HA ha ha ha! Perhaps so, but Urggzob is terrifying-er-est!
Ah, there's my daily dose of suffixes in one easy to listen to sentence. Here I was worried we'd fall shy.
Be cleansed by fire!
What? I like the sentiment, but what?
'nother bad guy.
Mmmh. Carry on, then, by all means. Also, someone spry go and fetch that sword in the middle of the trap-filled chamber. It might be what we're looking for.
Crush smash bad guys whoo ha ha ha!
Stay here, cowards. Geez.
It's what we're looking for. No, Kruskrak, you can't keep it.
But...the knowledge! The learning!
The plot, Kruskrak.
Wait, plot? Are we talking about books now? I'm confused again.
Nnngh. Fine. But I don't have to like it.
Jiminy crispies! SNAKES!
Useless against the myriad crushings of Urggzob!
And my magic. They're not doing so hot against that.
Kind of amusing, actually. Snakes v. arcane.
It was amusing at first, but it gets old real fast.
And so, we get our snake-slaughter on.
By the gods, Kruskrak! He was one guy, why did you put him in a sphere?
I didn't. He did that to himself.
That's strange and mildly annoying.
Feh. Everyone stand back, I have an experiment.
There. Now in theory when he busts out, he'll get three fireballs at once in his annoying snake face.
That's...surprisingly clever, if a waste of magic.
Psh. Magic is a renewable resource.
Actually, no one has any idea where magic comes from, so it may indeed be finite.
See what you're doing? You're making an otherwise awesome event gloomy. Par for you, I know, but still.
More bad guys. I think they don't want your plan to work.
'Ronious? Uh-oh. I think they got him with a panic spell.
God, that's satisfying to watch. Still, I don't think we should let him get his fool ass killed. I'd, uh, miss having someone so easy to pick on.
What about me? And Pip? And Urggzob?
It's not the same.
Someone has a cru~ush!
Can it, shortstack. I just get my jollies by bringing assholes down a few pegs--OW DAMMIT, werewolf!
Don't worry, 'Ronius! Pip Prancerson to the rescue!
Napalm's dead, isn't he?
And to top it all off, Napalm's clever plan wasn't--
Dammit, not Urggzob too!
That's not a spell. He, uh, just went berserk, by the looks of it.
Boy I hope he's fireproof.
AGH BLAGH CRUSH MUTILATE!
There was some murder. No one knows what was crushed or spared during that time, but our party wakes up in a pile of mostly-destroyed bodies.
Ahh...felt good to Urggzob. Stupid snakes and stupid snakes men! They did not know that Urggzob outnumbered them all!
Um, dear...there were way lots of them.
Hah! Maybe if you count like a weak little man-girl, there was!
Well pardon me for being cynical, but how do YOU count?
Mr. Napalm, I'm fairly sure this is just an excuse for him to use his ten joke again.
WRONG, wee wizard! Urggzob just uses Urggrithmetic: The crushiest math ever!
This is bringing back my migrane.
I'm honestly curious about this. Clobberella, if you're so averse to it, you could check out that lower passageway...?
Fine. Back in a bit.
Stupid damn idiots being stupid making my head hurt no pants still hate full of fury punching good make snake full of fists AAAAGHGHGHGH! ...that felt good. What's this, though...?
I think I see...so is it kind of like a points value system, where each individual is assigned a different crush quotient based on their separate values of smash, hit, and fury?
Very close! Urggzob has decided that it would be easiest to assign a constant to a control group, like a peasant, which--
Pip, it's not lunch yet.
No, he means the attack jelly. Death jam. Wonder what Clobberella got herself into here?
Bit of a sticky wicket?
Har. Just fucking burn them, alright? I think fire's the only thing that works on them.
With gusto! Get ready to dodge though.
With you, Napalm? I'm always ready to hide.
There you go, easy as well-cooked pie.
No worries. You DO know you completely subverted everything you've done to advance your gender by playing the "damsel in distress" card, right?
Go to hell.
Dear girl. Anyway, I wonder how the others are doing without my leadership?
SWEET GODS ABOVE I'M ON FIRE!
Urggzob is covered in custard! And fury! And fire!
Everything is burning and misery!
I absolve myself of all blame here.
...well, THIS is disheartening. I thought we were making progress.
We carry on after the fire incident.
What's that bin full of, Mr. Napalm? May as well check it out while we wait for this guy to leave his sphere.
Bodies. Bones. Also...
DAMN. That's one fat-ass kid.
Proof that while the gods may tolerate fat people and children, they abhor fat children.
You're not going to make Urggzob carry that thing around, are you?
NO! Is not a kitty!
Undead. I shall dispel them. Wait here.
Fabulous, now he's trapped. Ideas?
See the circle around the rock? That means you can hit it.
Circle...? Must be some markings on the other side we can't see. Anyhow, Urggzob: Go to it.
All of you know how many miners Urggzob is.
Rocktastic. Still, Urggzob is disappointed by the lack of guts. And chunks.
I don't think I'd like rocks that bled.
They would make a very unnerving house, that's for sure.
Whatever. Let's go give that sword back.
...gods-DAMNED fetch quests.
We helped free another spirit! We're getting good at that.
Urggzob frees many spirits with his axe.
I'm sure you're the gods' favorite customer, Urggzob.
Gadzukes, Waffleimages gave me trouble this time around. Everything's showing up fine now, but if it flukes out...don't say I didn't warn.