Part 41: Other People's Dirty Laundry
SWEET CRISPY CHRIST, IT'S
Update #40: Other People's Dirty Laundry
Last we left our heroes, they had been tasked by Nicodemus to kill a bunch of demons while he lazes about, that bastard.
Fortunately enough, these demons are nothing we haven't seen before already. To that end, they're all pretty soft and squishy.
Come children! Urggzob will sing the song that will CRUSH LITTLE DEMONS!
You have children?
Lords above I hope not.
It's not out of the realm of feasibility, scarily enough.
No offense, man, but I can hardly see any woman tolerating his touch for that long.
Pah! Enough rape and ANYTHING is possible!
Well, that's horrifying.
Ugh. I did not miss this place.
Hey, awesome. I know how to perform the quivering palm now.
So what does that mean? You're going to massage the demons to death? Maybe bring them some tea while you work?
Come here and I'll try it out on you.
My back has actually been kinda stiff since that last time I got impaled horribly. Can you do me first?
Ooh, ooh, then me!
If it's any help, Clobberella, I actually know what that is.
When anything you do is any help, I'll let you know.
More fat balloons! Urggzob will pop them with childish glee!
Those things are...alarmingly outclassed, honestly. I wonder why they're hanging out with these much more powerful demons?
Yeah, man, it's like they only have sixteen hit points and are weak to achpfh. What now?
What's a hit point?
They are what Urggzob gets every time he hits something! He will exchange them later for fabulous prizes! Ha ha haaa!
...have any of you guys even cast a spell yet?
No, not really.
Psh. Such a bother against these plebians.
I have spells? I have spells! I forget some times.
They're demons; I'm better off using this club of disruption.
Urggzob makes them disappear. Like MAGIC!
Is that stairs? Come on, Napalm Company, we're leaving. Hell with this rabble.
No dice. Frozen over.
Given that I can't melt any of the walls in this place, I imagine I'll have no luck with that. Bloody hell.
Looks like it!
Hey, it's that Nicodemus dude's bedroom.
Urggzob, go be a good chap and vomit in his sheets or something.
With alarming gusto!
Says the wizard who dressed in hobo robes for months. Without changing.
Good heavens. When did you eat that?
Urggzob...is not sure he DID.
It just moved. Is it alive?
Was it alive to begin with?
Gentlemen? We're leaving.
Wha...? Napalm, how did you get yourself dinged up?
See these meaty chunks, woman?
That I do.
These meaty chunks are what's left of a demon after I hit it with my sling. Don't give me any shit.
I watched! It made no sense!
Besides, why are you giving ME grief when Kruskrak's in a bubble right next to you?
I wanted to see what it was like to be on the front lines.
It hurts a lot. Trust me.
Haaar! Time for--
Any luck on this one?
No. Damn damn damn.
And so, we rather violently wander the halls, searching for the few stragglers we haven't already mopped up.
Oh cool, we're done.
What? How do you know?
Mystical druid powers?
It can't be those; he's far too sober.
I, um...you know, I have no idea how I know that. Hm.
The ice is gone. That means...we go to the fields of slaughter now, I believe.
Ha! Fields of slaughter, crops of CRUSHING!
Does this place feel depressingly same-y to anyone else?
It might be the snow. Or the generally dreary and unimpressive landscapes.
Or the repetitiveness! Or the snow.
I...I feel as though I'm about to suddenly lose control of my limbs, for some reason.
Per Marty's foresight, a cutscene happens.
I'm sorry, do they call me "Heronius Smooth-to-the-touch V, esq.?" No they do not. Be silent.
But you ARE smooth to the touch.
Impeccably so. Stop undermining my point.
Gah! Must crush, cannot move!
By the gods, this is...an unfortunate turn of circumstances.
I'm gonna get filled with weapons, aren't I? Ugh.
This spell. This spell, Blasphemy, nearly wrecked my shit. It stunned EVERYONE in the party. When we recovered, Napalm was down to about five hit points.
Aces on the bubble, old chap. On with the grim melee, then! I shall shout words of encouragement with all my considerable skill at doing so.
And I shall ignore Napalm with all my considerable skill at doing THAT.
Everyone knows where Urggzob's considerable skills are.
Having survived the hardest part of this encounter, we carry on with the pain.
Got the wizard. I will say that I'm becoming distressingly attached to this finger of death spell.
See? We'll make a man of you yet, Ethyl.
Hah! Good luck, little ones!
Go ahead and spruce things up any time now, chaps. Becoming dreadfully boring in here.
Pah! Toasted Urggzob crushes just as well as original flavor!
You're lucky the only thing I'm better at than kicking crotches is dodging flames.
Man, I'm glad to hear that my crotch is in no danger.
I wouldn't say that.
Smashing job on the flames, old bean.
We heal up, and head north. In doing so we accidentally let Clobberella get into a conversation, as she runs twice as fast as anyone else by this point.
The resulting fight is surprisingly brutal.
So...Urggzob is confused.
Sounds about right.
How so, Urggzob?
Well...Urggzob is HALF orc, but crushing FULL orcs is so easy. Would Urggzob crush even better if he was half half orc instead?
I'm not sure the fractions quite work that way.
Perhaps your orc heritage combined with your human ability to grow a beard has led to your success?
Hah, yes! Beards are the answer to all things that crushing is not the answer to!
Well then. I dare say these fields have lived up to their name.
If that's any indication, than we could add "...of Slaughter" to the name of every place we've ever visited.
Sweet sassy stats update!
Good lord there's a lot of fire in your spell list.
I fail to see how this is alarming at all.
How the devil do you have concentrate?
Crushing is a fine thing for Urggzob to concentrate on.
It's also an alarmingly easy thing to distract you with.
Why don't you hide more often? It looks like you're really good at it by now.
I prefer a more straightforward approach.
That's the 'ol Napalm Company spirit. Solving problems with gross application of force.
It's only REALLY gross when Urggzob gets baddie bits everywhere.
I keep forgetting how well-rounded you are, Marty.
Yeah. Generally your high-pitched screaming distracts us from it.
Yeah, well I--
Well rounded or no, you can still hardly lift your own hands.
Man, that's just low.
As passive as you are, you've got a lot of attack spells.
I can't help it! Unlike everyone else here, I need scrolls to get any spells. The frozen north is not exactly a bounty of reading materials, you've noticed.
It's okay! Variety or no, your bubbles of justice have saved the day more than once!
Thanks, Pip. Before you say anything, though, don't dare write a song called "Bubbles of Justice."
I don't know if I've ever seen a bard with such a limited skill base.
It's part of my unique charm!
Part of something.
Question, Pip. Why have you been obsessively writing all this stuff down about all of us?
I have no idea. I like writing?
Works for me, I guess. Shall we?
Gah. A combination of too many damn video games and vacation have caused this last delay, but let me reassure you: There's a 0% chance of me NOT finishing this game. I will endure!
Thanks, as always, for the patience.