The Let's Play Archive

It is dark in the cave

by That Italian Guy

Part 45: "The Unfortunate Effects of Reality - The Musical."

10. "The Unfortunate Effects of Reality - The Musical." The logo is an actor dressed up in a bear costume. He is smoking a cigarette.

quote:

You decide to face "The Unfortunate Effects of Reality - The Musical." The logo is an actor dressed up in a bear costume. He is smoking a cigarette.

Suddenly reality shifts around you! You, Tobias and Dr. Sheppard break out into a musical number. It goes like this:

"
The Unfortunate Effects of Reality - The Musical"

Dr. Sheppard: "You cannot dance well, but

you pretend to do it anyway

You live in an apartment in the city

but the building doesn't look nice

because there is a giant mountain of garbage in the front yard

You have a loving mother and a strange father

but the father doesn't speak to you

sometimes the father cries

Tobias: "You hang out with your friends at school

you are popular and have a great group of friends

but you don't have any money for clothes

And your parents only take you to a couple of fancy restaurants

Every time you play a video game, you spend all your time playing

and you don't care about going out

Chorus: "You listen to music in your headphones

You like to listen to bad pop music

and play your guitar

and you would like to be famous"

You: "It's completely unfair

You just blew my mind

Dr. Sheppard: "It's an alternate reality"

Tobias: "This is a fantasy

of a little boy"

Dr. Sheppard: "The boy has been imprisoned by this world

but he is hoping to break free

But first he must escape from this place

The boy is trapped in the world he loves"

The song ends as the "Unfortunate Effects of Reality - The Musical" logo appears again. The ceiling tiles are now falling on you.

The narrator suddenly breaks in on your scene: "The Unfortunate Effects of Reality - The Musical" is a mix of The Beatles, Bach, Sheppard & Shao, Walt Disney and DotCom.

You start a dance routine that can be described this way:

You follow along in time with the music.

As you do, you dance in synch with the lyrics

You make a weird face

Then you repeat.

Suddenly the cartoon theme music is interrupted by the end of a song.

You're back to reality. The ceiling tiles are back. You just hung up on your girlfriend, Jenna.

You've just forgotten to take your vitamins.

you forgot to fill your toothpaste dispenser.

You are 14 year old. You are living your Missing Childhood.

The narrator explains that you are a boy named Terrance in Malavarai, and gives you a box containing these words: "THIS IS YOUR MISSING CHILDHOOD! Come here at your earliest convenience."

As you read them, you realize that these are the words of your own inner-child.

Congratulations! You have found your Missing Childhood. All the other Items become metaphors.

YOU WIN!

NOW THE ENTIRE WORLD KNOWS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING! YOU CAN MAKE THESE APPEAR ON A T-SHIRT & REEL

Hi, I'm your host, Chuck Schmidt.

The author of a new book called Murderville: My Missing Childhood.

When I was in my original Missing Childhood (a 3-year-old), I knew something was missing, but I couldn't tell you what.

I thought my parents loved me, but they were drinking at least a bottle of wine a night, so maybe they just loved being together and not really liking me.

I believed I was the smartest person in my class (but when I did homework it wasn't my homework - I just read it over someone else's shoulder), but if I remember correctly, my brainpower didn't make a significant difference in my performance at school.

I had friends and could count them on one hand, but maybe that's because I wasn't in the same room with them. Maybe my class had a bunch of low-intelligence kids that I didn't notice. Maybe I just never noticed them.

I was the kind of kid who thought people were jealous of me because I was so smart and talented and lucky. I had all the toys and cool clothes and loads of money, but I still was lonely, miserable, and sad all the time.

I'd wake up in the morning, go to school, and when it was time for lunch I'd feel like I was going to throw up. I just didn't know why I was so emotionally weak. I didn't know where the feeling was coming from.

I got really good grades on tests, but I never felt like I was good at anything. I was good at physics and math, but I couldn't get through an algebra problem. I was okay at typing, but I had to print things out and stuff them in envelopes and that wasn't fun. I was a supermodel in the eighth grade, but I hated how I looked and I couldn't stand to be around people.

During the day, I'd dream of what my life would be like in the future. I'd watch reruns of Friends. I'd daydream about being a rock star. I'd dream about the day I would discover who my real parents were and where I was from. But then I'd realize that even if I found out where I came from, I wouldn't like them.

Then at night, I'd have my own secret life. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, and I'd go to a place where I wasn't supposed to go, and I'd talk to my actual parents about the things I didn't like about my real life.

This is when I decided to write this book you are holding in your hands. What you see on the cover and in the descriptions is exactly what I remember.

Now I've found my real parents. They're loving and kind. They let me sleep in their bed every night. I'm at college and I'm doing well. I love my new family.

Thank you for playing.

Sincerely,

Cuckoo Alarm Clock

MY MISSING CHILDHOOD

paperback, 363 pages, published June 2008 by Random House

PS: I just realized the best thing about writing a book is that it's so hard, you have to make a huge commitment of time and effort, and nobody's going to pay you anything for it. (Except in this case, because Random House gave me a great advance.) But don't feel guilty, because it was totally worth it.

PPS: Even if I'm still not particularly fond of being interviewed, I do enjoy hearing other people's stories. If you're inspired to tell a story about yourself that isn't your usual run-of-the-mill autobiography, you can submit it here: http://www.randomhouse.com/books/detail/mockingbird
Well, we didn't manage to discover what happened to the doctor, but we got a good run all things considered. Also apparently this was Dear Evan Hansen all along? Anyway, let's see what our final score is!

FINAL SCORE posted:

Congratulations on completing this trilogy! This is your final score: 6,001,600,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

You scored points for the following objectives:

1.
Discovering who you are and where you came from.

2. Fulfilling your destiny.

3. Never having to eat Corn Flakes again.

4. Getting rid of your childhood bedroom furniture.

5. Appearing in an iconic film.

6. Coaching the Giants in Game 2 of the World Series.

7. Teaching Astronauts how to build and program the Asimov.

You have lost points for the following reasons:

A.
Not doing the first step.

B. Making love.

C. Finally realizing that what you thought was the best thing in the world turns out to be the worst thing in the world.

D. Having a thousand children.

And here's how much I like you: I'll also give you one hundred million dollars.
Well then. Thank you everyone for making it this far! For the time being, this is the end of Thom "Mantis" Stormfist's adventures, but this was a fun experiment and I will probably do something else along these lines in the future. Hope you had fun!


Thom "Mantis" Stormfist (A.K.A. Superhero, the Killer of Murderville), the Master Barbarian (Lv 3.6) // [Assassin] Sebastian (Lv 2) // Investigator (Lvl 1)

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