Part 9: Team Gumpy goes Haywire!

Part 8: Team Gumpy goes Haywire!

"And what would you say your qualifications are?"

Haywire tapped his chin thoughtfully, hmming and hawing. He then stood, pulled out an enormous knife, and thrust it into the top of Dagny's desk with a loud *thok*. He folded his arms over his chest proudly.

She scribbled a small note on her clipboard and frowned.

"Mmm-hmm, interesting. Now I'm going to give you some hypothetical scenarios, and you're going to tell me how you would act in them. You can draw on past experience to explain your reasoning. So, here's the first one: one of Deidranna's soldiers approaches you and offers you drugs. What do you do?"

Haywire laughed, pulled the knife out of the desk and held it in a reverse grip. He slashed outward at the neck of his imaginary opponent, tossed the knife into the air, caught it in the same hand, and stabbed the poor apparition in the chest. Dagny leaned over her desk to make sure the fellow was good and dead, then sat down and nodded, satisfied. She made another note on her clipboard and clicked her tongue.

"Alright. Scenario number two: you're in an enemy-held village, and the opportunity comes up to kill a civilian. What do you do?"

Haywire thought for a moment. He sheathed his knife and sat down.

Dagny clapped, relieved.

"Outstanding. For the final scenario: you see Florence Gabriel. She is unarmed and unescorted. What do you do?" Dagny looked at him over the edge of her clipboard.

Haywire let loose a bellow of rage and lay into the imaginary Flo with a series of knife strokes that would have cut a real person to ribbons. Dagny shouted encouragement at him, in a manner hardly unbiased. She was moving farther and farther from the corporate boardroom every day.

"Finish her!"

Haywire sawed through his opponent's head and held it aloft. Dagny could almost see Flo's eyes lolling backward in her severed head.

"Yes! Excellent. Mr. Gordon, I think you would make an excellent asset. We would like to extend this most generous offer to you." She took out a piece of paper, wrote a number on it, and slid the note across the desk.

Haywire took up the note and sat down. He frowned.

"One hundred ninety a day?"

Dagny nodded.

He laughed and slapped his knees.

"Hot damn! I'll be boss in no time!"

Dagny smiled, and raised a finger.

"The offer is contingent, of course, on successful completion of your battle trial. Mr. Apscott here will brief you further."

Biff, who had been standing in the doorway, approached and led Frankie 'Haywire' Gordon to the barracks of the SAM site.

With Flo having stolen access to her most reliable mode of transportation, Dagny had decided to make Chitzena's SAM site her temporary base of operations. Recalling Flo's treachery, she once again cursed her stupidity. Arulco had no phone lines laid - the only means of reliable long-distance communication was through satellite phone, and she possessed (well, HAD possessed) the only phone the rebels owned. Furthermore, she had instructed Skyrider not to take orders from any other source but the phone, or Dagny herself in person, so even if she did have another way of contacting him, he wouldn't listen.

Dagny did manage, however, to secure a horse from a local farm. Much to her surprise, it turned out that Gasket was actually quite handy with a steed, and he went to Alma to inform Frankie that Dagny wanted him for her primary attack squad, whereupon the two men rode back together. At the time, she had wanted to use the ice cream truck, but Deidranna's soldiers had rather cleverly blockaded all the roads leading east once they knew that Dagny had access to ground vehicles. The horse, however, could bypass such obstructions with ease.

Unfortunately, the horse's first sortie was also its last. As it galloped onto the SAM site's perimeter with Gasket and Haywire on its back, Ira sprang out of the bush and pounced on the horse, rather in the manner of a ferocious lion taking down a gazelle. Gasket and Haywire were thrown clear, while Ira tore into the creature's throat. Its whinnying death cries were heard from the base, as was the disturbing howling of Ira. Dagny frowned as she remembered having to vehemently deny rumours of a boyish Chupacabra to frightened locals, who were terribly concerned that the creature might take their cattle in the night. As punishment, Ira was forced to go among the locals and educate them on preventing unwanted pregnancies and the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases. As it turned out, Ira's method was to simply devour one's sexual partner in every instance, a practice which the locals came to find appetizing.

Dagny turned her thoughts back to Haywire. It seemed as if he was going to make an excellent addition to her team. While his marksmanship was less than stellar, he was skillful with a knife in a way she had never seen. Hopefully such a skill would prove useful to him as he took the town of Chitzena, a challenge which Dagny had set as his battle trial. Once that trial was overcome, Dagny could begin her hunt for the traitor Flo, and recover her stolen phone.

----------------------

Shadowy night found Haywire stealthily approaching the city of Chitzena, not far to the northwest of Dagny's new HQ.


Haywire's plan of driving a Firebird into town packed with explosives was rejected by Dagny in favour of a quieter approach

Looking through his third-generation night goggles, Haywire quietly surveyed the southern sector, which was mainly comprised of bamboo huts and a single stone structure, the mining commission. He crept forward, until he encountered his first orange-vested enemy. Haywire depressed and held the trigger of his weapon, firing round after round until the magazine was nearly empty. When the last muzzle flash dispersed, he saw beyond the barrel of his gun a bloody corpse, riddled with bullet holes. The man's cigarette was still lit. Haywire approached, picked it up, and took a satisfying drag. He then opened the corpse's mouth and deposited the butt inside.


That ammo ain't cheap you fucking retard

Moving onward, he came across his next victim. The man had clearly heard the report of Haywire's weapon, and was on the alert, his weapon held up to his shoulder as he scanned the horizon. Unfortunately for him, he failed to notice the approach of a man once voted "most likely to die urinating," and was summarily slaughtered.


Memories of college parties gone wrong haunt Haywire

Haywire next approached the mining commission, where he found several soldiers loitering in front, illuminated by a porch light. He took the pin out of a stun grenade and tossed it amongst them. One of the soldiers heard the device land near him. He looked down, and his eyes widened. "Oh shi-"
The grenade exploded, producing a violent pressure wave that knocked three of the soldiers onto their backs. Haywire took aim and fired at the soldiers who were still standing, bringing them down handily. But he tired of the loud clack-clack of his firearm, so he slung his rifle over his shoulder and pulled out his trusty knife.


Also comes with a little pedestal and embroidered sheath for your coffee table, so you can pretend you're cool. Wall scrolls sold separately

The three soldiers he had downed with his stun grenades were still heaving on the ground, attempting to recover enough energy to get up once more. Haywire smiled wickedly and held his knife up.


Lunch special at the Psychopath Buffet

He darted forward and went to work, slitting throats and stabbing hearts, laughing heartily as he did so. Their soft death gurgles were as music in his ears. Gentle reminiscences of betting on hobo fights floated back to him.


Haywire performs three emergency appendectomies. Prognosis: violent, gasping death

When he was finished with his trio of victims, he wiped the knife on the grass, clearing it of blood. As he did so, he saw out of the corner of his night vision-enhanced eye a soldier sitting quietly in the grass. He approached her from behind, his knife held high.


Haywire has a huge boner right now

He crept up until he was right behind her. When the soldier became aware of someone breathing behind her and started to turn, Haywire pounced, sliding the edge of his knife across her throat. She reached up to stop the bleeding but fell to the ground, life ebbing out of her.


When I die, I hope it's in the night at the hands of a sister-raping redneck

Haywire came upon the last soldier in front of a house. He was begging and scratching at the door, trying to get in. His pants were soaked with urine, and his whining could be heard from a half-mile away. The man heard rustling in the bushes and took flight, weeping for mercy pitifully. Haywire simply smiled and took out his rifle. One shot was enough to end the man's pathetic pleas.


Of course, as a Zororastrian, both practices are one and the same for Haywire

His bloodlust hardly sated, Haywire confidently moved north, hoping to prove his worth to Dagny. North Chitzena was dominated by the ruins of an ancient civilization which served to bolster Arulco's otherwise stagnant tourist industry. Perhaps a blood sacrifice on the altars would help propitiate the gods, Haywire thought to himself.

He crept into the grove of trees just outside the ruined walls, and scanned the nearby area. He saw two soldiers and, with his bionic ears adjusted properly, was able to hear them conversing. Apparently unaware of the chaos that had washed over Chitzena's mine sector, the two soldiers were idly reflecting on the recent death of Luciano Pavarotti. Each was trying to decide which of the Three Tenors they liked best. Haywire tired of their accultured prattle and put a bullet into each of their skulls. The two man collapsed into one another, enveloped in fond thoughts of the Maestro.


Unlike Pavarotti, these two soldiers did not succumb to pancreatic cancer or massive corpulence

Haywire moved back and vaulted over the wall. He crept further into the ruins, until he came upon a few soldiers performing some kind of weird midnight ritual with the body of a strangled cat. A little disgusted, a little intrigued, he tossed a breaklight amongst them, and opened fire. He managed to down two of the soldiers, while a third decided to make a break for it, carrying the holy cat. Haywire raced after her, and stopped to fire a bullet into her back when he was close enough. The woman collapsed, and dropped the cat. Haywire dashed in to catch the cat before it hit the ground. He turned it over in his hands: the cat's belly was sliced open, and some of its liver had been removed. The woman was apparently a haruspex, gifted with the ability to divine the future from the livers of animals. Suspecting that her divinatory power lay in her brain, Haywire decided to take a souvenir.


Just a little unsettling

Haywire scoured the ruins for soldiers, but found nothing. He took up the head of the woman which he had cut off, and held it aloft. He felt a slight tingle, and the head began to pull his hand toward the south. He moved forward, keeping the head in front of him. Eventually, he came upon a soldier hiding behind a house. Grateful, Haywire kissed the cheek of the head, and stuffed into his pack. He then took up his rifle and put an end to the unwitting soldier.


The soldier was pleading with Haywire in binary before he was killed. Syntax error!

With the sector cleansed, Haywire returned to Dagny. She smiled as he entered the SAM site's command centre.

"Mr. Gordon! What a pleasure. You've completed your task, I presume?'

Haywire grinned and took the head out of his pack. Dagny recoiled. Holding it by its long hair, he swung it in front of her.

"Better. I think this little chicky can solve your Flo problem."

He took the head by the cheeks and looked into its empty eyes. Dagny watched him, not entirely sure that she had made a good choice in hiring him.

"Head! Where is Flo?"

The head began to vibrate. Haywire took the head by the hair once more, and it tugged him by the hand. He rotated until the head stopped vibrating, leaving him looking to the southeast. He spoke:

"Looks like she's in that direction."

Realization dawned on Dagny. She smacked her palm.

"Of course! Cambria. There's a chapter of the International Order of Communists there. She must be going to offer her services." She growled. "I knew a European couldn't be trusted."

Haywire stuffed the head into his pack once more.

"So, am I hired?"

Dagny extended her hand.

"Absolutely, Mr. Gordon. After all, we do have other heads to take, don't we?"

A vicious smile creased her lips.