The Let's Play Archive

Jesus: Kyōfu No Bio Monster

by Quovak

Part 3: † Comet 3:16 †

Continuing on Floor 3 reveals that Bellini's room is largely uninspired; he couldn't find a better color palette than the predictable orange - teal - terrible purple, nor could he get more than one good postcard from the Earth's core to pin on his corkboard. Once again, we're going to be examining everything until the game decides it's had its fun. Dread from things that aren't awful mechanics will still have to wait.

(By the way, as Rose Spirit mentioned in the thread, after spending the first chapter distributing keycards we spend the next chapter getting them back. This is not the most efficient game I've played.)

How methodical. It's all tidy…

>Search Bed
No wrinkles. Looks unused.

>Search screen
Switch is on.

This is the switch monitoring screen that says whether a given switch is on or off. A life saver for when you don't want to get up to look at a switch.

Let's take it.

>Use Trmnl
It's working now.

>Use screen
It's on now.

Oh snap, this is meta, y'all.

(I apologize)

No matter. I am surely no longer. Yesterday we reached Halley and harvested the gas. Balkas examined some in a flask. I watched on the camera as a small creature broke out and struck him. I couldn't locate it after. It left through the door. Eline fled already.. I will find a weapon on the ship and fight… to let the others live.

To recap what's happened so far: Balkas, distracted by thoughts of his games, failed to notice the monster relaxing in a flask that he held (they would go on to actually scientific tests later, after the informal first round of "Well… maybe it looks like some… Nitrogen… I suppose… maybe Argon? Looks like it could also be Chlorine, or Oxygen. Methane? Help me out here guys, my eyes aren't very good."). Subcaptain Bellini chooses not to let anyone know this and instead plays the part of John Wayne, Balkas hides in a locker after throwing a card across the room, and the soldier and doctor are stationed two space weeks away. Cmdr. Ali refuses to act as a go-between and communication is reduced to boring raves, but Hayao responds to the problem by going unarmed and without any knowledge of the ship.

Yahtzee, your Chzo series was awesome and nothing about it was wrong; I am sorry for ever insulting your well-written game about space.

Hamburger remains as always.
So messy.

>Search TV
He still played TV games. It says Game Over.

>Search desk
Covered in hamburger wrap and crumbs.

The next room is Balkas', in case you were still in the dark. While the hamburger antics and gaming were perhaps understandable on the space lab pre-space mission space, I can only image the hiring process for this man went something like this:

Job Interviews posted:

Fantastic, Balkas. You proved you can occupy space. As such, you will now be a man who goes to space.
But what about ~video games~!
You will only be the fifth worst person on the crew.

Something worth noting: the manual itself says Balkas "was chosen for the Halley-61 Mission as a regular public applicant, without knowing himself how he managed to apply."

Once again, we're left with several options: Perhaps, following the gains to society from making organ donation opt-out instead of opt-in, similar plans were enacted for voter registration and dangerous trips into space. Alternately, he did in fact apply, and I want to point out that doesn't just say "how he got the job." He was shocked he could write a CV.

>Use TV
Video games keep him so busy, it's silly.

Hayao failed to grasp that this line was directed his way.

A room away, Eline was accepting of Hayao's problem with switches and considerately toned down her tech, getting a phone that can dial four numbers and a keyboard that lets her type braille and insert a coin. Sadly, her unconventional setup was unable to circumvent ‪Space‬ Deutschland's draconian Bland Screensavers law, and she had to take solace in her Deal-With-It shades-wearing clown.

Eline's room is so cute.
A feast for the eyes. We shouldn't stay here too long..

Incidentally, Apartment/House/CrawlSpace too drab? Know that nothing screams cute like a dull pink and rust orange comforter under green-striped eggshell wallpaper with indigo trim and a nonzero chance that you're dead -- Jesus: Kyofo no Interior Decorating Design Tip #14.

>Search Tape
It's the one I heard with Eline..

(Yes, I'm going to link that every time it plays)

>Take Doll
It's from me, just wanted to see it.

Hayao, whose games were mostly dating sims on Newgrounds and who sees women as either seven years old or his mom, never quite understood the fine art of gift giving or the concept of what giving something means. In typical Harvest Moon form, he first gave her eggs until he found that she didn't like eggs, then tried giving her space roses until finding out those didn't exist, then tried books until she seemed slightly creeped out, and then gave her more books; he's Hayao.

>Take Trmnl
We can't use that.

>Take Clths
Her clothes are cute.
I'll put them back.

Meanwhile, either Fojii can make aesthetic and slightly uncomfortable judgements or Eline programmed him to give her vain compliments because Hayao only gave her strange clowns. I would like to once again point out they've good reason to think that she's dead.

>Take Plnt

Yeah, come on, air. How useless can you be?

Next room! Huyler made sure to never give the appearance of being above his own laws, installing monocolor backgrounds on his paintings and microwave to save Jesus' graphics team work. I must say, I have an odd sort of respect for this game making you meticulously visit a dozen completely pointless rooms at the same time it kills half the crew, somehow being incredibly slow and absurdly fast paced all at once. I'm not visiting these rooms just to be thorough for the thread.

>Look Bed
An old styled bed.

>Look Locker
Needs a key.

Did you hear the one about The Aristocrats? It's a big hit on the circuit.

>Search Locker
Put a card in the slot to open.

>Use Computr
Strange, no power…
Is it broken?

>Use card
Opened. Some device is in here.

>Search Biosnsr
It shows a signal for moving, living things.
Sleeping or fainted means no sign.
In the control room there was a switch… turn it on?

Our biosensor signal receiver (it detects biosensors?) is really just a glorified motion detector like they have in classrooms or offices to know when the lights should turn on. We just wanted a better and more science fiction-y name. For our sci-fi. In space.

Alright, we've almost seen the ship. The bubblegum warehouse holds a whopping two boxes, which you'd think they'd have opened by now since the mission's half done. There was probably a constant standoff about who would be the first to expend any effort to open the boxes where food lives, but nobody wanted to have to use ladders or arms.[/i]

Various big boxes

Can't lift these ourselves

We can't carry these.

I have to wonder if there were there any job requirements for this mission. Were we really the most qualified candidate along with 3 XL Hamburgers man? It said we were handpicked and played video games, but I doubt we even did much of that given, well, switches. We probably just played Angry Birds on Eline's 80s phone.

Next is an armory, as is apparent from the giant white robot and dangerous lower third of that support. I could maybe see keeping a gun just for worst case crazy space scenario, but this is just asking for space trouble. Unfortunately, a rushed launch left the armory still incomplete, with a notable absence of gun racks, or cabinets, or things. Crew are advised to lay weapons on the floor.

Wow! Some amazing weaponry.

These ones are amazing, but too big to carry.

(Also I'm too weak to hold a gun)

Be careful with weapons here.

There are guns back here.

>Search Guns

This screen comes up the second time we Search Guns, meaning that if we Search once we're told we can't use guns and if we Search twice we get to use the guns. Taking one doesn't make the screen change and you don't have an inventory, so nothing tells you which, if any, you have. This genre died, you say? Whatever do you mean?

Alright, let's pick out weapons.

The other ones are too big.

>Search Flm
Burns for a while, be careful!

This is in no way a bad thing to use on a ship.

>Search Laser
This one's most powerful, but it overheats easily.

>Search Frze
Freezes your enemies in an instant.

>Search Heat
Not much piercing power but strong over time.

No, seriously, you're going to regret intruding in a few minutes when my gun is warmed up. It's a heat gun, you see. It makes heat. No, stay there. I'm threatening you. This is a threatening gun. One day there'll be plenty of heat. I'm wearing some gloves because this gets really hot. In time. Give it some time and this will be hot. No, don't move, I'm pointing this gun at you. Don't hide behind the couch; I don't want my couch to be hot. There isn't much penetrating power, but it gets really strong. Eventually. There are moving parts in this gun. It gets hot. It gets really, really strong over time. Stop beating me with that stick. It's about to get strong. Give it time.

Anyway, choose between the magic of friendship, some quite viole(n)t light, the ugliest and most pathetic looking weapon possible for humans to design, and a gun which can camouflage itself against gun selection backgrounds provided they come with occasional splotches of mauve. The game treats the three that aren't freeze rays as equivalent, so we need to take a cue from Dr. Horrible and spend a few hours commenting on our choice, which is Gun #3. Standard temperature and pressure get us out.

Looks normal. But it is kind of warm.

>Look Room
It's cool.
Is it even working?

Our next room is the freezer, which goes from warm to cool in one line. Either that or Hayao thinks it's awesome those 2X4s aren't very hot.

>Look WdBox
Filled with hamburgers.

>Look Valve
So, this valve.
Turn it and liquid oxygen comes out.

>Look By Pipe
Something's strange.

We can't interact with the something strange next to the pipe.

>Search ceiling
Did you hear that?
No, nothing.

>Search Floor
I wonder if it will come?
If it were only temp.. but it's scared.

Alas, the monster is not temporary, but object permanence's a tough skill to grasp. Other Search options give us the same line as Look.

>Use Valve
No! That'll make the room dangerously cold!

So why is this valve on the ship if it's not to be used? Being able to freeze the ship may have sounded good on paper, but I'd expect a group this competent to stave off feature creep a bit.

Of course you don't, this isn't novel anymore

What can we use?
Nothing, it's computer controlled.

It's hot.
Even a robot like me's hot!

It might have been a poor decision to locate this next to the freezer -- probably bad for efficiency standards, along with, you know, the manufacturing plant a floor down. We've now explored all of the rooms except one, which was locked, but grabbing a weapon gave us the confidence to remain rather unconfident as we're Hayao. I'm going to end with this last room and save the actual progression for next time, giving you more time to agonize over the tension and mystery space presents. Hopefully you'll be able to endure.

At last. After the rest of the ship went well over budget, the team cut costs from its science fiction division by stealing broken and discarded computers from 1959. This is the room the Captain couldn't enter himself; we had to threaten the door with a gun.

I've been holding off on posting the soundtrack because it's pretty uninteresting and usually not even there, but I'll make an exception for this. Some compositions have a certain bit of magic to them, and, like Schala's Theme or Corridors of Time, allow a scene to transcend the literal and become something more. When these arise, I would be remiss to leave such works of art unlinked. The melodic and beautiful Jesus Computer Room Theme, in all of its musical wonder, simply demands to be heard:


Science Fiction Sci-fi.

>Look Wall
Oh, damage here.

>Look Flr
A synthesizer…
Could it be…? Eline!!

>Search Console
It'll work if we put a card in here.

>Search Damg
Like there was a fight.

>Take Synthzr

With Synthzr, Scyther's musical evolution. Hayao! will be a force on the playground for hours to come. Take that, actually popular kids. Just wait until we capture Jesusthree.

>Use Console
No good without a card.

>Use printer

Tragedy! We have reacted the same way to A) our friend's death last update and B) not being able to print. Also worth noting is our need for authorization to use the printer but not to use the guns; the price of toner has led to drastic measures and the need to enforce them with death.

>Use OwnCrd
No, this card won't work.
Only Bellini's should.

>Use BlniCrd
Oh, the computer started.

This is just the crew's standard existential opening for notes. Actually, it's the same message we already read but now with this shot:

Trying to pose for a "Cowabunga" surfer picture proved more distracting than stylish as illustrated by Balkas' inability to notice that thing in a flask. I mean, seriously, Jesus. That is the name of this game.

>Look Printer

Anyway, the monster sent its own message by wasting sheets of paper, callously flaunting its disrespect for the space environment and (probably) the Earth. While none of this would have happened if Bellini had the gun he probably used to get in, he's been rendered impotent by space libertarianism's other chief pleasures and, currently in a drug-induced trance, stares at the floor in wonder from his magic paper fort.

Hey, hang in there!


Sorry, actually cool man. Your death is a loss to us all.