The Let's Play Archive

KGB aka Conspiracy

by red mammoth, Xander77

Part 55: Update 25 Bonus

Update 25 Bonus


You speak English? Russian maybe?
Neither, Ivan. Just plain American. Your accent's good. Where'd you learn, in spy school? Ha, ha, ha. Just a joke, Ivan. In my business, you've got to make 'em laugh.
Are you here on business?
Why else? To sample Soviet cuisine? Ha, ha. Lemme tell you about our new line in classic diet colas. They give maximum drinkability without impairing athletic performance or adding on those hard-to-lose pounds. Many rock-stars prefer our product. Try some and you won't WANT to switch back to your current soft drink!
Do you have some here?
You Russkies're all the same. Just love American freebies, don't you? Guys I saw today took every can I had. They were crazy about our soft drink, I tell you. Had to take it home to their wives. Cook the cabbage in it, ha, ha, ha. Jeez, you commies kill me. An' I thought Polacks were dumb!


I don't have a current soft drink.
You will, Boris, you will. Hey, you heard the one about the guy in the gulag?
Yes. Very amusing.
You think our competitors have the cola franchise for the gulag? I'll look into that. Hey, here's one you maybe never heard: What's the definition for Soviet amnesia? It's when you're standing in front of a food store with an empty shopping bag and you don't know if you're going in or coming out!


Are you staying at this hotel?
I have been, Ivan, but I'm escaping tomorrow. Escaping. Get it? You heard the one about the Russkie who wants to join the communist Party?
Yes. Very amusing.
I saw a bunch of commies today. Maybe they're gonna install a cold-drink dispenser in the Lubianka? You're a commie, Ivan? Wanna bomb the U.S. to hell?
I'm a party-member, but I don't believe in Leninism.
Well, if you don't like the product, why buy it?
High-pressure sales techniques were brought to bear.
You Russkies just don't know how to think for yourselves. Slaves to a system. You should try our new line in diet colas – 3 different cans! That way, you can affirm your individual personality. That's freedom, Ivan.


Are you staying at this hotel?
I have been, Ivan, but I'm escaping tomorrow. Escaping. Get it? You heard the one about the Russkie who wants to join the communist Party?
Okay. So this guy, let's call him Ivan, goes into the Party office to join, right? And the Party guy says:

“If you wanna be a card-carrying communist, you have to give your house to the state.”
“That's okay.” says Ivan.
That's not all. You have to hand over your wife and kids too.”
“No problem.” says Ivan.
“And your dog.”
“No sweat.”
“And, of course, your cat.”
“No way.” says Ivan.
“Whadda you mean, no way?” shouts the party-member.
“Well, I got a cat.” says Ivan

Get it? A cat he has!
I'm KGB. Here's my ID.
KGB, eh? I was just going to bed. Goodnight.


I'm KGB. Here's my ID.

You show her your ID.

What do you want, comrade captain?
Do you know a Viktor Sliunkov or a Piotr Burlatski?
If you are innocent, you have nothing to fear.
I need your help to stamp out a mafia ring.
I don't know anything, comrade captain.
You know room 304?
You're a prostitute! Of course you know. Cooperate, comrade.
I just work here. I don't know any mafia.
You're lying. I want the truth. Now!
I'm not lying. And you're from Moscow, not Leningrad. You can't touch me! Iakov Pavlovich! This man is threatening me!
Time to go home, peasant.

Try to go back in and:

Let me buy you a drink.
I told you. Russians don't interest me. Leave me alone, or I'll have you thrown out of here.
Do you know Room 304?
Iakov Pavlovich! This drunk is threatening me.
Time to go home, peasant.

If you haven't told her you're a KGB officer:
You know room 304?
That's one of the rooms Tamara uses. She has two.

Gorski the Receptionist

If you give him your KGB card early on, he's a bit less forthcoming:

I suppose you get some interesting foreigners here.
I'm merely a receptionist, comrade. I don't know about such things.
Would you prefer the city to be called Leningrad or St. Petersburg?
Leningrad, naturally.

If you don't give him your KGB card before asking these questions:

Who used room 304 earlier this evening?
That's not the kind of information we give out to unauthorized passersby.
They said you'd give me the key to a certain room.
Whoever “they” are, they were wrong. I don't give information to just anybody..

German client

Inspect the foreign client
A prosperous westerner.
I'm a stranger here. And you?
Du nimmst mir das wort aus dem mund!
Can I offer you a drink?
Du bist unkomisch!
Can't you speak anything except German?
Nicht so laut. Ich habe einen kater.

He clearly speaks nothing but German.


Kopijeger posted:

"Du nimmst mir das wort aus dem mund!" -> You take the word out of my mouth!
"Du bist unkomisch!" -> You are un-comical!
"Nicht so laut. Ich habe einen kater." -> Not so loud. I have a hangover.

Japanese businessman

Inspect the Japanese businessman
A mild-mannered executive type.
Mind if I join you?
A long way from home aren't you?

The Japanese visitor nods politely.

Can I offer you a drink?
No thank you.

Ask about...his work
My company is studying the Leningrad telephone system. We will propose a solution to modernize it.

Ask for...his name
Shibata. Jiro Shibata. Pleased to meet you.

Ask about...Japanese politics
Very good for business.

Talk about...the world situation
A short period of recession I believe.

Talk about...Soviet-Japanese relations
They are improving.

Talk about...Leningrad
Very beautiful.