Part 3: Bad Puns
Welcome back everyone. Last time, we left off outside of this intriguing looking house in the middle of the dark, foreboding woods. This gingerbread house is on F-5, two screens west of the walnut tree. The screens immediately east and south of this house are the "Dark Forest" tiles on the map, and should be considered dangerous.
How dangerous? Well, there's a random chance while on the dark forest tiles that you'll hear a high pitched cackling followed by dangerous music.
: With a screech and a cackle, a witch swoops down from the skies above. Look out! She dips and turns and tries to catch Graham.
: She's got him! She grabs Graham by the neck with an iron grip, and carries him off to her cottage deep in the forest.
By the way, from the second the witch touches you, you're locked into an extended death sequence.
: As the wicked witch flew over her cottage, she dropped Graham straight through the roof and into her cage. Who knows what sinister plans she has in store for him?
We just got added to the witch's collection.
God DAMMIT. Not from the death, no. That's to be expected in a King's Quest title. That pun. Oh my god, that pun. That was physically painful.
Let's move on. This lake is found at G-2, just one screen west of the screen where we found the dagger.
: On the beach are some smooth, round pebbles. Graham grabs some and pockets them.
: What can I say, it seems like everything you pick up in this kingdom is made of gold in some fashion. I'm just hedging my bets. If nothing else I can throw them at that sneak thief of a dwarf if I see him again.
Like the carrots before them, the pebbles on this screen are available in infinite quantities. You can only ever have one set of pebbles in your inventory, but if you run out you can get more without fear of running out.
Two screens west, on E-2 we can find this seemingly empty screen. While you might initially think the fallen log has treasure, it's just a red herring.
: Inside the rotting stump Graham notices a small leather pouch. As he lifts it out, he can feel the contents shifting inside.
: When Graham peeks inside the leather pouch he discovers it is filled with diamonds!
: Cautiously, Graham opens the pouch and sees many sparkling and flashing diamonds! Quickly, he closes it again so as not to lose any.
: Do you see what I mean? Priceless valuables just left discarded in a rotting tree stump within sight of the castle. I'm pretty sure this alone justifies me picking up anything I can lay my hands on.
: Graham is carrying 5 smooth, rounded pebbles.
: They feel rock solid.
Just north of the diamond-filled tree stump, we find a little goat pen. (E-1) This is a dick move by the game waiting to happen. For the love of all that is good and holy, do not open the gate and leave the screen. If you do, you are no longer able to get the maximum number of points. We'll just leave the goat alone for now.
The well is one screen east of the goat pen, and is one of the most important locations in the game. First off, that bucket and the crank both stand out like a sore thumb.
: This weathered old bucket has served the kingdom for years and years. It still holds water as well as it did on the day it was made.
This is something I didn't even realize you could do until I tried it.
Either that bucket is massive or Graham is a tiny man.
: Graham climbs into the bucket. His weight causes it to slowly descend.
While we ultimately want to take a swim in this underwater reservoir, we need the bucket for something in a moment. We can simply climb the rope and leave the well that way.
: Graham climbs up the rope and out of the well. Once back out, he turns the crank to return the bucket to the surface. Kids used to call riding the bucket a Daventry Joyride. Guess Graham was reliving his youth.
Once more with feeling!
: Graham cuts the rope using the dagger. He takes the old bucket.
Now we can lower the rope with the crank again...
This time we're hanging onto the rope, so we can more easily drop into the water below.
I also wanted to show my saves off, mostly to prove that for all my complaining, I'm just as bad as the narrator.
: Graham lets go of the rope and lands in the water below with a splash. He takes a moment to prepare, then takes a deep breath. Finally, he dives into the darkness below.
Alright, so this screen is there just for a transition between this area and the next. The chest looks tempting, but...
: It looks like this chest has been buried here for a very long time. It isn't the chest Graham is looking for.
It is possible to drown, but it takes almost 19 seconds before Graham suddenly keels over. So unless you have your speed all the way at the lowest for some reason, you have plenty of time to swim all the way over to the small passage in the upper left corner of the shot.
: Graham kneels down and fills the bucket with the cool water.
: I can feel the heat coming from farther on in the cave. Something tells me I'm going to need this.
: Green and scaly, the dragon is massive and muscular. Serrated armor stretches from his tail to his neck, his leathery wings are folded against his sides, and his webbed claws look sharp and deadly.
: The ferocious fire-breathing dragon is protecting the magic mirror, which shimmers with its own magical light.
So this is the first of the three treasures we were sent out to find. We can't steal the mirror while the dragon is still there, and he's guarding the only way out of the cave.
Get close and the dragon wakes up to see what you want.
: Hello the--
: Think again. When this dragon talks, things have a tendency to catch fire.
: Uhh, sorry to bother you.
So the dragon doesn't appear to give a shit that we're there. So what happens if we try and get close.
Correction. The dragon doesn't give a shit as long as we don't get close. Also that pun. Fuck.
So let's try this instead...
: With unerring aim, the dagger spins through the air and pierces the soft, unprotected skin under the dragon's throat. The Beast convulses for a moment, then crashes, lifeless, to the hard cavern floor.
Hmm. That's both unsatisfying and cruel. It also only got us 3 points. So maybe there's a better way...
Let's try that once more, and do it right this time.
: Hey dragon! SUITON-NO-JUTSU!
: Did you just quote Naruto?
: This is the greatest moment of my life so far. Let me have this.
: Good shot! The water hits the dragon square in the face, dousing his fire.
: Unable to defend himself with anything more than harmless clouds of steam, the dragon rolls aside the granite boulder and slinks off in shame, leaving the mirror behind.
: Graham takes the magic mirror! Congratulations!
Between "slaying" the dragon and recovering the treasure, we got 13 additional points, as opposed to the 11 we'd have gotten for actually killing it. While 2 measly points may not sound like much, I am going for full points here.
Let's also take a look at our inventory. There's a few items we haven't yet looked at.
: Graham is holding an empty wooden bucket.
: The old bucket has seen many years of use, and is beginning to fall apart. Graham decides not to touch it and make its condition worse.
: It was looking a lot better before someone climbed into it and took it for a ride. Not naming any names...
: This is the magic mirror, one of the three treasures of Daventry.
: The magic mirror's surface is smooth to the touch.
As a bonus, if you use the mirror on Graham...
: As he gazes into the magic mirror, Graham sees a reflection of himself as King of this land of Daventry.
Let's move on. There's an exit to the cave over here. We could have come in this way earlier, but the boulder would have blocked our way into the dragon's lair.
This cave exit is on screen E-6. We're just one screen north of the goat pen. This screen is also incredibly important a little bit later in the game, so just keep it in mind until then.
We're back at the gingerbread house, just one screen north and one screen east of the cave exit. Let's take revenge on that mean old witch...
: Graham, what are you doing?
: I'm knocking on her door so I can give her a stern talking to.
: Well, lucky for you...
: There is no answer from inside the house.
Once inside the house, you're on a strict time limit. You need to hide in the witch's bedroom quickly.
I also have a pretty apt save name for doing stupid shit like this. "Dumbassery" sums it up about perfectly, because no sane individual would think to do it.
: From off in the distance, Graham hears a high, squeaky voice.
: I can smell someone tasty in my house.
: *whispering* Graham creeps up on the witch, all sneaky-like.
: I am going to get my cauldron ready to cook someone for dinner. (yum)
: After I get the cauldron nice and hot, I will be ready to have someone for dinner. (cackle)
: Oh no you won't, you evil cannibal!
: With a mighty shove, Graham courageously pushes the wicked witch into the pot. Her wild screams are suddenly cut off as she melts away into the oily green slime. Congratulations!
And with that one act, the witch will no longer harass us on the Dark Forest screens. Other hazards can still pop up, but we've removed one of the fastest ones.
And with that act of revenge, I'm also going to end this update here.
NEXT TIME: That puzzle. You know the one.
List of Points
+2 - Picked up pebbles
+3 - Found a pouch
+3 - It was full of diamonds
+2 - Apparently riding the bucket down the well
+2 - Destruction of public property (taking the bucket)
+4 - Cave diving
+2 - Filling the bucket
+1 - Discovering the dragon
+5 - Dragon "slaying"
+8 - Got the Magic Mirror
+2 - Leaving the cave
+7 - Murdering the witch
Register of Deaths
Captured by witch
--The Graham cracker pun
--The well pun
--The ash pun
I'm making special note of puns so bad that they "count" as an extra death.