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Episode XI: Half-Time Show
When last we left our heroine, she got a bitchin’ new gun.
Too bad she’ll never get to use it for anything constructive for a long, long time. 
Anyhow, the overly elaborate key shattering the streak of fairly logical fetch quest items is put to use.
Ghastly. Aside from the fact the actual spiders can’t do anything remotely like that and just throw-up and run into you. Not unlike a kindergartener.
This is one of the points in development when ideas start to run dry and one of the developers pipes up with a “we haven’t had a creepy spider room yet. Right, guys?”
At least the man died with his priorities straight. Getting a hummer from an underaged girl. 
Mr. Dead with an Erection has this half’s last file.
MERCENARY’S POCKETBOOK
“To make no mention of Campbell rambling about scissors and UFO abductions. Wonder what that’s all about…”
“…currently dead in a most compromising position.”
“She just couldn’t get enough of the co— I mean… Moving on… Why am I writing ellipses in my handwritten journal…?”
“Signed,
Mercenarywhodecidedtohavesomegirlgodownonhimduringazombieholocaust McGiggity.”
To the right of the dead pair is the single most batshit puzzle the series has to offer.
There are three clocks here. Each has a portrait with a bowl beneath it.
One with an ugly little kid.
One with an opera singer getting molested by clouds.
And one with Joan Rivers.
A bit to the right of the puzzle are three statues. Each holds a ball made from assorted materials.
As shown.
The objective of this puzzle is to make the middle clock read 12:00. This is done by inserting one of the three balls into each of the bowls beneath the portraits. Depending on the ball inserted beneath the portrait, the center clock will advance or go back a certain amount of hours.
That’s the premises. As for clues beyond that? Capcom’s official word on the subject is:
FUCK YOU AND CHOKE ON A DICK! FIGURE IT OUT ON YOUR OWN!
Unless there is something I’m completely missing, you’re expected to go through a very slow trial and error through these clocks to deduce what each ball does in each portrait.
This is done by going to a portrait. Going to your inventory. Selecting one of the balls. Watching the center clock wind to its new position. Jotting down the difference. Clicking the portrait again. Reacquiring the ball with a prompt. Watching the time change back to its original position. Moving to the next portrait and beginning again. Rinse and repeat with all three balls. Then determine a combination from the noted times.
That or swapping like crazy and hoping for the best. Honestly, it’ll take about as long either way. Though you might get lucky in the latter.
Because I hate myself, I determined the following:
Crystal Ball:
Left Clock: - 1 hour
Middle Clock: +1 hour
Right Clock: +2 hours
Obsidian Ball:
Left Clock: - 2 hours
Middle Clock: + 2 hours
Right Clock: + 4 hours
Amber Ball:
Left Clock: - 3 hours
Middle Clock: + 3 hours
Right Clock: + 6 hours
I’m not sure if this puzzle is randomized. If it is, Capcom are even bigger assholes for having made it. My initial time was 11:00 so I needed to have
Amber:11:00 – 3:00 = 8:00
Obsidian: 8:00 + 2:00 = 10:00
Crystal: 10:00 + 2:00 = 12:00
Fuck you, Capcom. Really, just fuck you.
Good luck lugging that across a mansion, up a flight of stairs, then up a ladder and across another room.
Jill does just that.
“Chronos Gear?! It can’t be… “
“Chronos Gear is a top secret black project. How did you know that…?”
The overly elaborate gear in place automatically rings the bell. No switch or toggle. Just gear to bell.
The sound of a helicopter approaches in the distance.
On the epilogue:
I don’t know about you guys, but this nice music and soft tones are really making me think it’s the end.
“Sweet piece of ass down there, co-pilot.”
“Copy. Piece of ass at 12 o’clock. Over.”
For fuck sake, woman! 
“You know what? I was going to let you go. But you had to go and pull silly shit like that.”
That is one flaming phallus…
“Miiiiiiiiiiike!!!”
“I’m done fucking around here.”
“I’ve got half my face stapled on. I lost my lips in a game of poker. I’ve got Corn Pops for teeth and a Jawbreaker for an eye. I’m wearing leather and it’s 75 degrees out. I’ve been shot, blown up twice, electrocuted, and my wallet stolen twice just today. I’m the Nemesis, bitch, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”
“Oh wow, you can dodge me trying to hit you with a rocket launcher. I’m really, really impressed.”
“Do you know what a ‘plot device’ is? It’s when a writer introduces an object, character, or ability to advance the sto—
“Gotcha, bitch!”
Carlos leaps from the burning ruins of the clock tower.
“Do I know you…?”
“Really...who the hell are you...? You know what? I don’t give a shit at this point.”
Carlos Oliveria: Man who really wants to get laid at some point.
Carlos quickly regains his senses.
Poor Nemmy is getting his ass handed to him by the shitty Resident Evil aiming system.
“Come on, guy. Your friend tried this from closer range and blew himself up in my face and I shrugged it off within the hour. Just give it a rest. I mean, you met this chick what? Two hours ago? Three tops? Is this really worth—“
“BY NEPTUNE’S TRIDENT!!”
Carlos, satisfied that the monster which had been blown up in far more violent explosions twice already ought to be defeated by that one, proceeds to return to his role of uselessness.
“Three…”
“Fucking…”
“TIMES!!!!”
“Thanks, babe, for not budging an inch during that whole thing. Now I’m going to fuckstart your head so hard it’s going to blow out your ear and through that other bastard’s face!”
Jill proceeds to bust out the big guns and heal up. Err… ‘Virus’? Shit? What’s that? Blue herbs? I never have those things on hand.
Using her keen senses, Jill quickly freezes the Nemesis and launches five Super Missiles into him.
“I know I’ve been shot a few hundred times now. But I’m feeling really bad this time. Like that time I read the novelization of this game.”
“Or that one time I tried to suck my own tentacle. Or that time at Arby’s with the Mexican and the rabbi.”
“No mama… No mama! Not the claw arm! NOT THE CLAW ARM!!”
Nemmy collapse into the fire.
Jill collapses onto the pavement.
Some time later.
“Stop starring at my tits... Blahghhhhhhtzif….”
And on that cliffhanger note, we fade to black…
Bonus Content
It’s finally over. Bwahaha. Good one:
Video
So ends the first half of Resident Evil 3: Nemesis… Tune in next time for…
Part 3 – When Leon Met Claire
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