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Episode XV: Lord Saddler’s Escort Service
In the last exciting episode of Resident Evil 4, a might battle took place between a dashing man of large stature and our hero. Leon was able to slay the gentile giant after a grueling duel of wits. Now, with nothing left to stand in his path, Leon is at last able to gain access to the church and rescue Ashley. Seven hours after initially setting out to do so. Let’s begin.
The ominous church we’d already seen with Ada beckons.
Little stands in his way up there. Aside from ninja wolves that took my accuracy down by an annoying bit. 
Also the biting.
Dispatching the four legged adversaries, Leon uses the key item he found past a giant, a boat ride down a canal, and behind a waterfall ago.
See, the problem with mass seating is all cleared up. Just doing my part for the community.
Leon takes a stroll upstairs. Ladders. Whatever. Unfortunately, the bell system Ada used was directly connected to the lock the hostage room system. This leaves Leon with little choice.
But to do what he’s always dreamed of…
Across the other side is the same easy as pie color puzzle. Only in reverse!
Which, while releasing the gates to where Ashley potentially is, assuming they haven’t moved her in the last six or seven hours, does not ring the church bell. So if they want to ring the bell when the room is locked, one must solve this puzzle twice to accomplish it. Ganado are weird.
Leon cautiously enters.
Oh shi—
Let’s try that again
I’m convinced this game is a revised script from a porn film.
Watch that shit, you crazy spaz!
GAH! FUCK! MY EYE!
One last time
Let me just get down here so I can flash my panties at you to drive you off.
Leon uses that line on every girl he meets.
“You mean that, ‘you’re a little whore and a fucking disgrace to this family and I never want to see you again’, stuff. He didn’t mean it? Where’s the rest of the people he sent?”
“I’m it”
“Ohh…” 
So the near game spanning escort mission begins.
Leon gives Hunnigan a ring
Wait? We had a chopper? Why did I ride three hours out here with rude Spaniards and hike all across this place if we had a chopper?!
Another three-fourths of the way through the game.
Well, another helicopter pilot sent to his inevitable doom.
We now have Ashley Graham to escort for a good portion of the game. She is scripted to be surprisingly competent most of the time, hiding behind you if you’re shooting or at the very least ducking if she’s in your way.
The Ganado, for the most part, don’t attack her. What they do is grab her and carry her off towards an exit to the area. Which seems to open up the G-Man’s time freezing teleporter he uses at the end of games and cause you to instantly game over. This shouldn’t be an issue too often, due to the fact she has the worst whining this side of Baby Mario in Yoshi’s Island if she should get caught.
Ashley can also take a few hits before going down if she happens to be on the business end of a Ganado attack. Unless it’s an attack by you. In which case it will kill her instantly. Even a knife swipe to her foot will cause her a dirt nap.
Also, if you look up her skirt she’ll bitch at you and call you a pervert.
Leon and Ashley head back downstairs.
Leon takes the normal route. Jumping like a moron twenty feet.
Ashley, apparently, cannot climb down ladders or jump down drops more than five feet high. She expects you to catch her.
This could be a potential recipe for disaster.
Disaster cake.
For $500, Alex.
“I also speak like I’m constantly being sarcastic. Even when…not being *rolls eyes* sarcastic.”
“We can finish a Rubik’s Cube in under 15 seconds. All of us.”
That robe is completely encased in tinfoil beneath.
This plan didn’t exactly require flying her to Europe, did it, ace?
Flashback!
End flashback!
“Oh, no wait. That’s just the hickie from Salazar last night. Nevermind.”
Don’t make me put on my angry eyebrows!
At least he’s enjoying himself.
Though, I did get this Soul Edge staff pretty cheap on Ebay.
You’re not Catholic.
I might as well spoil all my plans while I’m here. Hell, my initial plan would have succeeded if I just let you walk out of here and get picked up at this point instead of monologue and reveal you'd be fucked if that happens.
See: The purple Kool-Aid and loogie injection from many an update ago.
I’ve barely got control over my own, so I need a supplement.
Scientology. It has…shit….on me…
If only. It’s much stupider.
Just then, the door bursts open and cultists with burning crossbows pile in
“Cracka, you stepping on the wrong side of da hood!”
“Fo-shizzle”
Leon and Ashley narrowly avoid the burning arrows. Despite Saddler’s long tirade that he needs Ashley alive and to go back home at this point. I did interpret that right? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here.
Oh, yes. They escape by bursting through a stain-glass window. Leon’s computer back home is filled with porn of chicks smashing through windows, jumping down towers, and scat.
“I have glass in my eyes!”
It’s just going to be a long, violent, and completely silly ride there. So begins the pair’s journey.
Tune in next time for Episode XVI: Whatever the Happened to Baby Ada?
Bonus Content
We've finished Chapter 2-1! 
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