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Episode III – It Sure is Taking a Long Time to Get to That Damn Village
When we last left Leon, he was picking shards of glass from his flesh and relieving his newest victims of their meager earnings.
Leon rubbernecks to see what became of his comrades.
Unfortunately, the actual burning wreckage didn’t seem to have saved in my screencaps. Or is hiding very well. In any case, it looked something like this:
Our friends Uno and Dos were nowhere to be seen. Maybe they escaped a grim fate. Or they’ve been dragged off to be cannibalized elsewhere. In any case, oh well.
Leon spots a new house to rape, pillage, and plunder in.
I can accept this Not-Spain farm community to still have typewriters far more than I can secret underground research laboratories for evil organizations. Of course, that comes later on. But for the time being, my suspension of disbelief is in place.
Leon takes a breather and has one last look-up on the meager folder of info he received before getting kicked into lord knows where. Since, they apparently didn’t actually brief him on the people he was supposed to be protecting. Everyone is just sort of winging it in this administration.
We won’t be meeting Ashley for a while. The file claims she’s 20. She’s got the body of a 20 year old. The personality of a sixteen year old. The face of a thirteen year old. The voice of a spoiled nine year old.
Foreshadowing!?
In no way trying to save face politically with a new Presidential administration.
Oh, somewhere in Europe. That really narrows it down. Crack intelligence work, boys.
Why do I have the feeling Leon’s just been wandering aimlessly about Europe for a month or so now with the guy’s back home giving him ‘tips’ every few days and giggling as he follows up upon them?
Leon’s old nemeses return for more. Quickly dispatched, they provide interesting treats.
Death from bird shit is in the top five cause of fatalities for persons under the age of 25 in this region.
Further ahead, Leon spies a an interesting sign. Finely crafted and decorated with only the finest in skulls
I’d put in a Star Wars reference if that was ever a remotely witty line to begin with.
Just up ahead, Leon finds what the warning was all about
RACCOON CITY PTSD EPISODE!
FUCK!
Leon goes in for the kill
Unfortunately, his plan is thwarted by those newfangled context sensitive controls. He accidentally ends up releasing the vicious beast.
It quickly flees into the woods. No doubt to devour infants in their cribs, steal pickles, and assorted tomfoolery.
Leon continues down the path. Only to find…
C4!!
Luckily, Leon is an explosives expert.
Further down the path, after gunning down a few more locals, Leon spots trouble.
Jehovah's Witnesses are not taken kindly to around these parts.
The local lumberjack goes to avenge his twin brother. It doesn’t end well for him. Or for that guy behind him. Or the guy slightly off screen to the left.
Soon, a picnic of workers panic and make a break for town to warn their families of the massacre heading their way.
With Leon’s fight for freedom ramping up in death toll, he comes to a gate with a curious symbol marking the entrance to town.
On the other side, Leon gets another pointless call
One must wonder how they’re able to see one another with the thing shoved in Leon’s ear.
About as well as a guy who’s shot dead a dozen people, half unarmed, can do. You?
I won’t.
Wait, what? How does this even work? This thing has a mini-printer in it as well as visual communication via eardrum?
I will give Resident Evil 4 one thing, it just throws you right into the game without several hours of mind numbing tutorials. I really wish more games would do that.
Leon pulls out his binoculars. Where did they come from? Shut up, you!
What doe he spy, you ask? Just a peaceful farming community. There’s even a kooky guy with Tourette Syndrome, randomly shouting ‘mierda’. The kids think he’s great.
This can’t be the place, there’s nothing out of the ordinary with…
Oh…dear…
Leon decides to use stealth for once and takes the backroad into town.
Huh? It’s just a box.
Attempting to sneak by an elderly woman.
Leon S. Kennedy. Special Forces commando who can’t sneak by 60 year old women.
No sex discrimination indeed.
A bullet between the eyes isn’t enough. A roundhouse kick was in order. Somewhere, a fourteen year old is making a Chuck Norris joke and thinking it’s just the bee’s knees.
With precious little time to spare before others check on his old woman assault, Leon puts into action a careful plan.
Oh, for fuck sake.
He immediately stabs the domicile’s occupant in the knee and kicks him across the room. (Note: I had a clear picture of this, but I liked the cheesy Matrix effect it made in this shot.)
Villagers pour in the window. Leon’s quick reflexes spring into action.
By blowing off the head of the poor guy he busted in the home of and kicked in the teeth.
More pile in from behind. No problem, right?
OH LAWD!
Will the townsfolk be able to fend off this vicious foreign invader? Will our hero be able to reload and shoot his middle aged woman assailant in time?
Tune in next time for Episode IV: The Village was Set in 2004. That was the Twist.
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