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Remove the hair from the Personal Grooming Assistant, and try to use it on the DNA Scanner.

Wilco : Aw, come on, Jebba. Be a pal. Who'll know?
Jebba : I'm sorry, Mr.Wilco. It's a StarCon regulation.

Talk to Jebba again.

Wilco : Geez. Jebba. Who's gonna know? Let me jus ttry this one thing. I'll be out of your way. No one'll find out.
Jebba : I don't know, Mr.Wilco. I'm not one to break regulations. I really don't think it's a good idea.
Wilco : I swear it'll only take a minute. We're out in the middle of nowhere. No one will find out. And I'll tell you what. Anytime you want it, one free plunge job, day or night. Whaddaya say?
Jebba : Well, I don't know...
Wilco : It'll only take a minute or two. Really. Come on, Jebba. Be a pal.
Jebba : Well... Okay, but just this once. If anyone finds out, I'm sunk. Then I'll come looking for you to take it out on. Keep that in mind.
Wilco : No problem. I'll be done in a flash.
Jebba : I really don't know why I'm doing this.


Take the Datacard, and read it in the other machine.

Wilco : Neat! I've always wanted to try one of these on the ComPost.

DNA Sequencing : This is the DNA Pattern of Nigel Rancid. *FILE CLOSED*

I know this is weird - but this next conversation goes on without the screen changing away from the ComPost.

Wilco : Oh, hi, Stellar. I hope your back's feeling better.
Stellar : They just finished treating me and it IS starting to feel better. However, I was told to lay off rescuing people for awhile - especially you. So, did you have any luck?


Wilco : When I tried it, all I got was a name. All it said after that was that the file is closed. I wonder why that is?
Stellar : I don't know for sure, Roger, but it seems a bit suspicious.
Stellar : When a file is marked like that, there's usually a very good reason. Most frequently it indicates the file is closed for intelligence purposes or it's legally sealed by some judicial body.
Stellar : In the case of those tubs of guts that grabbed you. I'd have to say that it's not a government agency directly behind it. Sounds more like someone with access from the outside to a friend or two inside. A more paranoid person might say this smells way wrong.
Narrator : Then again, when did you last change your socks?
Wilco : If the files are sealed then we have nothing to go on.
Stellar : True. The only thing I can think of is that they may be accessible by jacking into cyberspace. I've never done it, but I know it can be done.
Wilco : So I guess this means you won't be trying it first, uh, I mean, I'd love to try it, but I can't since we don't know how.
Stellar : Well, actually, I read it can be done with the help of a cyberjack and headset, and a cyberspace jack interface module. The article said there are several things to access out there and that there's a vast library of files to browse.
Stellar : It said that the Information Superhighway project is a little behind schedule but that there are some operative areas. Other than that, I don't have a clue as to how we can gain any information about them.
Wilco : So you think this cyberspace thing could work?
Stellar : I can only tell you what I've read. Navigating it takes a little patience but I think it's the only option you have. I don't know if you'll locate a cyberjack, and headset. Because of the delays in the project they've become more like collector's items than marketable, functionable products.
Wilco : We do have cyberjack modules built into the ComPost.
Stellar : That's true. Of course, we won't know anyway without the jack.
Wilco : That bites. I wonder where we could find one of those?
Stellar : I wish I knew, Roger. There must be some place.


Stellar : You'd better get moving since you don't know yet what your assignment is. I have some checking around to do. We'll talk later.
Wilco : Thanks, Stellar. I'll see you soon.
Wilco : Maybe we can work in that dinner.

Zip off to your quarters, and check your messages.

Wilco : Wow, a message for ME. I must be getting popular.
Wilco : I wonder what it is?



Commander Kielbasa : Please report to Sharpei's quarters, Janitor Wilco. She is in need of someone with your special skill set. Be quick about it.
Wilco : Yes, Sir.

Take the elevator / turbo-lift to her quarters.


Sharpei : Wilco, you say.
Wilco : Yes, Ma'am.
Sharpei : Well, Mr.Wilco. I expected you here some time ago. I've been kept waiting for MINUTES now!
Wilco : I'm very sorry, Ma'a...
Sharpei : Ah, save the pathetic whimperings for your StarCon superiors, which I would expect includes everyone and everything on the food chain over there.
Wilco : Ma'am, I came as...
Sharpei : Young man, I lack the time, and most importantly, the PATIENCE to indulge you as you whine your way from one excuse to the next. May we please just begin?
Wilco : Sorry, but I wasn't briefed on what tasks would be required of me.
Sharpei : You are a janitor, Mr.Wilco! What do you THINK I want from you, a heart transplant? What has become of StarCon?
Sharpei : When my fifth husband, Admiral Blundtphang, served, the crop of up-and-coming cadets seemed to have such promise. I recall this one rather striking cadet who... oh well, never mind that.
Sharpei : But you'll pray you do not typify what might be slithering down the halls of our formerly prestigious academy. That is one thing I do not look forward to witnessing.
Sharpei : Get to work, Mr.Wilco. You'll find a mop and a bucket right over there. I have no time to devote to your education. That would take a lifetime and the most copious amount of patience a universe could muster. My life is soon to expire. Please, just clean. I must rest now.

Okay - now the important thing to remember is that while she's being a huge bitch to Roger, she keeps pulling a button out from under her sheets and trying to push it while he isn't looking.


On the plus side, of course - it wouldn't be hard to trim out some frames to make it look like she was .

Sharpei : Mr. Wilco, please rattle the handle on that commode. It is positively maddening.
Wilco : You got it. Toot... oooh, uh. I mean, right away, Ma'am. Whatever I can do.
Sharpei : Please do it -- and quietly! I must have my rest.

Sharpei : Mr.Wilco, it is time for me to take my meds. Please fetch my trysonixsortium from the medicine cabinet.
Wilco : Yes, Ma'am!
Wilco : Maybe I can get this old hag to overdose.
Sharpei : What was that, janitor?!
Wilco : Why, nothing, Ma'am. I'll get those for you right away.

Wilco : I can't find her medicine! I don't think she knows what she's talking about.

Finally she manages to actually push the button.


Narrator : While we await a fully formed thought from Roger, it should be mentioned that there seems to be some sort of gas entering the room through the left vent.
Wilco : Hey, there seems to be some sort of gas entering the room through the left vent!
Wilco : I seem to be in a world of deep... Ah, geez, the door!

The turbo-lift's buttons start flashing, to add suspense.

Ah, well - Gas can't hurt me, right?




Fine... I'll save Roger's stupid life, AGAIN.

Pull this piston out of the adjustable bed...

Narrator : You give the piston a yank and, sure enough, it comes loose in your hands. Perhaps it was your raw strength. More than likely, it was defective.

... And use it to open up the Turbo-lift's door.

Narrator : Good thinking! Wedged in the door, the manual override control causes the piston to strain against the door.
Narrator : It pushes a few inches and seems to strain at that point.


Thank God! Chyna to the rescue!

Stellar : Wilco!
Wilco : Oh, hi, Stellar. What're you doing here?
Stellar : There's no time to talk, Roger! We've got to get out of here NOW!
Stellar : ONE!
Stellar : TWO!
Stellar : THREE!


Narrator : Just as you're cast to the floor of the Turboshaft, the HydroRiser piston gives way and the door slams shut -- with Stellar still trapped inside.

Narrator : You claw and pull at the seams of the bulkhead door, but to no avail. Just then, you hear and feel an explosion which seems to have come from behind the door.
Narrator : The door is sealed tight. You can hear no other noise after the ear-ringing from the blast subsides.

Wilco : My God! I can't believe this. It can't be happening!
Wilco : She was... I was...



Can I have like... Five minutes... alone with the body?

Please?




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