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Here’s the starmap screen. You pick a destination and the handy auto-pilot takes you there, all the while draining away fuel and time. Be careful, though, because you don’t want to get too low on fuel for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that you’d be stranded in the middle of nowhere. Not cool.

I actually plotted a course for Rigel because it’s on the way to the Spathi homeworld and I had forgotten that there was actually plot there.

Here’s a picture of me entering Sirius, the closest star, from hyperspace. Starship goes down the hooole.

Apparently a red tint is what enables us to move faster than light.

So here we are at Rigel, with our lovely renamed LoveBoat ship, following a mutiny led by Captain Stubing.

But what the hell is that in the distance? I mean, Fwiffo can probably take it because he’s awesome and the real star of the game (was he involved in the mutiny!?), but we approach it anyway.

As tempting as that second option is, we’re not going to win any intergalactic wars if we just go in swinging on anything that doesn’t immediately pledge fealty. Not until we get some better ships, anyway.

If they’re not sure which one’s the Zot, the Foq, and the Pik, then I sure as shit don’t know. For purposes of the chat, I’m calling them the Zoq Fot Pik from left to right, meaning the green one is the Zoq, the middle one playing table tennis with his eyes is the Fot, and the Pik is the blue one.

Zoq (Z): Attention starship! We are the Zoq-Fot-Pik!

Pik (P): Make no hostile actions!

Z: We come in peace, and with good will.

P: But if you make one false move, you’re vapor!

Z: Don’t worry, my companion is just a bit nervous.

P: No, I’m not!

Z: And argumentative.

P: No, I’m not.

Z: We are a scout vessel dispatched from our homeworld.

P: We have traveled far through hostile, uncharted space to find you. We hail from the green dwarf star at coordinates ziggerfau-gerrrnuf, Ah-ah, Pahoy-hoy.

Z: No, you idiot, in their coordinate system!

P: Oh! Er…Coordinates 400.0 : 543.7

Captain Stubing: Which one of you is the Fot?

Z: He is.

P: No, she is!

Z: No, I’m not!

P: Yes, you are.

Z: Cripes, we’ve been through this a million times!

P: That doesn’t change anything. You’re the Fot!

Z: Faugh! Well, Captain, as you can see, this is a point of some contention.

P: Fot!

C: We are The New Alliance of Free Stars’ flagship LoveBoat from Earth. What are your intentions?

Z: Then we’ve finally found our survivors?

P: Maybe.

Z: At last, our search is over! It is just as the great Crystal ones promised!

P: They look sneaky. I think they’re lying.

Z: Quite, fool! Can’t you see our nightmare is over?! This ship is from the Great Crystal One’s fabled alliance, the Alliance of Free Stars!

P: Maybe.

C: What “nightmare” are you talking about? What’s the matter?

Z: Our planets are under attack from an invading horde!

P: We do not know who they are, or why they are here.

Z: We are being blown to bits.

P: Fleets of alien ships appear out of nowhere, then unleash terrible destructive energies.

Z: Fortunately

P: They release these energies on each other.

Z: Unfortunately

P: They favor combat near strong gravity wells. Their stray shots regularly strike the surface of our planets, often with tragic results.

Z: Fortunately

P: They have never found our homeworld, only our colony planets.

Z: Unfortunately

P: All of our colonies have perished as a consequence.
C: What do you seek from us?
Z: We are a relatively peaceful group of species.

P: Unless we’re angry.

Z: So we find ourselves in need of help.

P: We only need a LITTLE!

Z: Because of our desperate situation.

P: “Desperate” is too strong a word. I think “troublesome” is more like it.

C: Before we go on, can you tell us more about your species?
Z: In our ancient past, four species evolved intelligence on our homeworld.

P: Simultaneously.

Z: They were the Zoq

P: The Fot

Z: The Pik

P: And the Zebranky.

Z: We three, the Zoq, the Fot, and Pik evolved in such a way as to acquire sustenance from many sources.

P: From airborne zooplankton

Z: From solar and ambient energies

P: And from rocky fungal clingers.

Z: Our favorite!

P: The Zebranky also consumed a variety of foods, namely: The Zoq, the Fot, and the Pik.

Z: To survive the predations of the Zebranky, we banded together, annihilated the Zebranky

P: And formed the cooperative union you now encounter.

C: Who is attacking you? What do they look like?
Z: Some of the vessels are huge, green battleships, which launch wave after wave of small fighters.

P: The other ships are black as space, and their hulls are carved with strange alien writing.

Z: In combat, the two seem evenly matched.

P: One fires blasts of fusion energy, while the other launches spinning projectiles.

C: We want to help. What can we do?

Z: These are the words we have prayed for!

P: Hey, this trip’s not a waste after all!

Z: More than anything, we seek an ally to help us survive in this hostile universe.

P: We are having some problems of that general nature.

Z: But we are only emissaries. You must meet with our leaders. They are wiser…more powerful beings!

P: They look just like us, though.

Z: Fly to the star called Alpha Tucanae. The planet closest to the sun is our home.

P: And if possible, hurry.

And with that, they fly off while we continue to pillage the galaxy of its delicious resources.

Alpha Saurus has a good amount of biological life, including trees with clapping branches, some weird bouncing…thing, and an angry giant green lizard-gorilla thing that wouldn’t stop chasing my lander and took a ton of shots to kill.

Biological organisms drop these…uh…things. They’re just another resource to farm, but the Commander doesn’t accept them for currency. We’ll see who does later on.

The other Alpha Saurus planet with life also has a shit ton of earthquakes, as you can see. This is how landers get destroyed. Also, those angry rat things chase you everywhere, so that planet basically sucks as far as harvesting goods goes. At this stage in the game, anyway.

We continue on our way to the Spathi homeworld, when we get accosted by a Spathi patrol. We’ve been getting high off some of those noble gases we have in the cargo bay, so we have to play cool, don’t panic, and show a little leg so that they hopefully let us off with a warning.

A guy can’t drive around in his souped up starcruiser without being suspected of starting up trouble. How little things change.

Spathi: Surprise and Terror! I am greeted by the smooth and hostile face of our old enemy, the Hootmans…no…the Huge-glands, no, I remember, the Hunams!

Captain Stubing: We are on a peaceful mission through the Cosmos.

S: Two aspects of your last statement defy the course of nature as I know it. First, “Peace” as you call it, is an illusion. If you have “Peace,” you simply haven’t seen the thing that’s trying to kill you. Second, peaceful missions through the Cosmos rarely require weapons large enough to punch holes through a small moon.

C: Let me be frank. We seek allies.

S: In case you have not forgotten, we are bonded to the Ur-Quan as slaves. The punishment for the plan you propose can be described as “Death.”

C: That brings up a good point. If you are such cowards, why do you fight for the Ur-Quan?

S: This is a sad tale, so do not even try to contain your tears. After the Ur-Quan demolished the Ilwrath, they turned the force of their Armada against us Spathi. The term “rapidly subjugated” would best describe what happened next. When the Ur-Quan arrived at Spathiwa, there was a great ceremony. Part of that ceremony involved blasting portions of our planet’s surface into radioactive dust, and this part we did not enjoy. But the worst was yet to come.

Our leaders were called into the command chamber of Ur-Quan Lord 1’s dreadnought, where they were read a long and complicated document explaining the choices given new slaves. When our leaders heard the term “forever encased” and “impenetrable shield,” they grew over-excited, I’m afraid, and made a fatal error.

The decision was to be transmitted to the Ur-Quan via one of two rods, one colored black, the other white. Our leader handed the white rod to one of the Ur-Quan’s servants, signifying “Fallow Slavery,” but the servant somehow exchanged rods and handed the Ur-Quan a black rod, indicating our desire to become fighting slaves! By the time we learned of the switch, it was too late – the Ur-Quan would not permit a change in status. Following that most tragic day, we were forced to assume the role of an Ur-Quan star-thug.

We tried to avoid combat, but the Ur-Quan gave us three warnings, each more strident than the last. When we learned there would be no fourth warning, simply annihilation, we attended to our new role with improved vigor.

Oh, and perhaps you have already guessed – the Ur-Quan’s servant who made the switch was an Umgah.

C: What can you tell us about your species?

S: We can best be descrived as “Meta-Mollusks,” possessing the best qualities of both the clam and the Dravatz, which is not native to your world. We are intelligent and clever, though you would never call us cunning. Each day when we awaken we call forth the traditional Spathi prayer, “Oh God…Please don’t let me die today! Tomorrow would be so much better!”

C: But what do you really want out of this great mystery called “Life”?

S: I want to live forever, with no pain whatsoever, owning vast personal property plus a company of nubiles. If this is in your power to give, I beg you to do so.

C: Under the circumstances, I think it would be best if you allied with Earth immediately.

S: Sure, consider it done. Allies to the bitter end.

NOT!

C: We leave as we came, in peace.

S: Look, can we keep this a secret between the two of us? It’s really rather embarrassing.

And we finally arrive at the Spathi homeworld. Can you tell?


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