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A swing and a miss! On closer inspection you appear to have reduced my
health from 96 to 92. Some weaker adventurerers would find it hard to
muster the courage to retaliate to such a mild wounding, but I am no
such weaker adventur..ing guy
I said pardon? He said "how did you like me sticking my rod in you".
Well, I lose it, snap, head-faked him with a left and launched a flurry
to the solar plexes, he stepped back, raised his fist so I uppercut
him.
He goes down like an apple girl doing her rounds and I stand over him
and say "is that "how did you like me sticking my rod in you" enough
for you?" Barely even left a mark
This little scrapper on the other hand managed to get the drop on me
and school me quite severely. Today's lesson was in getting humiliated
by a tiny green menace. Luckily absolutely no one will ever learn of
this, as I plan on instituting myself something of a scorched earth
style withdrawal, Stalin-style
Stupid goblin, slashing at my waste instead of my throat. You'll never
win this way, I have no weak points in that area that I can recall off
hand. That lack of attention to detail will be your undoing!
Enemy slewn, it is time to engage in the highest form of adventuring:
the finding of arcance texts, followed by the reading of them. It's
like the Professor side of Indiana Jones, I guess
In case it isn't clear, Turtis/Rakshir/Sarza/Krablot/etc are
Stonekeepian units of time measurement. There's no real modern
equivalent, it was just a means of tracking time according to when the
sun orb (afri?..I'm sure it'll come up later) circled the earth (which
is Thera, somehow) and then grouping those revolutions into a larger
unit of time. It was a neat concept, but I guess not everything is as
built to last as those chairs in Drake's room
Monster is a relative term...I know I used to get called it all the
time when my parents came home to found I'd brained another dog. Say, I
wonder what happened to them? It was never really covered in the
opening summation, and I never really thought about it until now.
Huh...they must have sucked. I'll just assume Hairy Axeman and
Elizabeth were my parents. Wait, that's no good, considering the things
I've done while thinking about her. Fuck, forget it, stop reading and
move on. Animated suits of armor won't wait around forever before
coming back to mock me and say they're too busy to kill me, but just
wait for it oh yes you wait I'll kill you sometime just not right now
I'm super busy trust me guys I am
A, the trusty crate/library. That's why these shargas have to live
below the surface, they're too uncivilized to properly appreciate the
three scrolls per box filing system. Their loss. Heathens.
Don't be alarmed, that's no a loose eyeball that has been mounted on
the wall, it's my eye! Or a representation of it, at least. But I guess
that's pretty obvious
Ho ho, I remember my good friend Craven used to steal this sign and
hang it over his old man's crapper. We'd all laugh and laugh. Ah, good
times. I wonder whatever happened to old Craven after that messy
skin-melting scourge of the Shadow King business ten years ago.
Armor? Check. Helemt? Check. Grenade? Check. Ant? Check. Hold on a
second, ant? Why the hell would there be any ant in the armory, that's
a poor weapon at best. Shoo, shoo you six legged bastard
Hello there helmet. I'm a little hesitant to fuck up my ghost body's
fancy hairdo, but not being smashed repeatedly into unconsciousness
from every rock thrown at me will be a nice change of pace. I hate
being knocked out, always wake up with a head-ache and a sore ass for
some reason
This is the fascinating stage between the helmet being on the floor and
it being on my head. Stay tuned for further developments
Here's my fancy new weakest helmet in the game applied directly to the
forehead. Now intenionally ramming my head into doors to open them will
hurt 45% less
Another sqitch. I wonder what wonderous wonders await me when I pull this lever. New paths? Riches? Weapons?
Oh, fire. My hand still smarts from our last encounter. I don't care if
you're every child's favorite toy, you and me are going to be spending
some time apart to think about what we want from our relationship
Now they are...not..ale barrels...I guess
Unless I'm mistaken, it seems the guy whose job it is to put keys
inside of ants inside barrels got so deeply into his job he seems to
have put himself in a barrel!
A tactician this cunning will require a very special approach. Flank Left!
Shit, he's seen me! He is one sly fox indeed. Think fast Drake. I've
got just enough time to toss a grenade and flee or run my sword through
my own guts and hope he takes pity on me and grants me a quick death
Turns out he's no master of the art of war at all, he's just a drunk.
Well, fair enough. I can't bring myself to fight someone who is so
incompetent or otherwise unconcerned about their job that they'll just
get wasted with enemies around. It warms my heart.
Many were served from that very bag. We ate a lot of wheat. Too much
wheat, quite frankly. If Elizabeth wasn't a looker she probably would
have been shit-canned long ago.
A thought occurs...maybe Elizabeth cooked all of those meals
here..because it is the kitchen. Man, I never put two and two together!
Course I was kind of a stupid kid. Good thing I've managed to make
something of myself. I don't know for sure what my body is up to now,
but my soul is kicking names and taking ass
Here's a hallway full of ants, broken glass, and broken dreams.
Unfortunately it has too many ants, so you may want to wear shoes
All of this getting hit in the mouth has got me thinking that maybe I
should revitalize myself with some mystery juice from the forbidden
fountain of eerie luminescense. Nothing refreshes me before a battle
like fluids of unknown origin. And I didn't even have to wear a
blind-fold and suck it through a hose this time
Which brings us back to these two giants. Well, giant shargas, which
actually just makes them regular sized. They're outside of rock range,
which leaves me little choice but to take a power nap and see if Thera
will let me go back to my body so I can blow this stone coffin. Maybe I
could just sneak in, grab what I need, and sneak out
Or maybe they'll see me coming and storm over to break my legs and scoop out my eyes
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