Part 218: Evil Kit and sorcrane do a ChristmasTalow’s Record of Everything: Day 40, Attempt #1225
(Footage from Attempt #1225 has been largely lost due to the plethora of abnormality artifacts unleashed during this particular attempt. As far as footage goes, a single frame has been recovered, appearing to show Mr. Black of the Safety Team distributing said artifacts via F-02-49. The corresponding audio clip is largely muddled, but the following statement can be made out: “Ahaha! Yes! T-pose to assert Christmas cheer! Spread the SMILES!”)
Happy holidays, all!
We’re here as Mr. Santa Smiles’ little helpers, and we have presents for all the good little agents out there. Go ahead, don’t be shy and open them right now!
Please make sure to return the abnormality boxes to Extraction after opening your gift!
Don’t like your present? Too bad, don’t forget to write a thank you note. And remember to SMILE! Tis the season after all, muwahohohoho!
#001. Bishop Head
With enough cognition filters, it almost looks like the real thing.
Requires (1) bucket, (1) mop, and (1) copic marker.
#002. The Perfect Food Candies
“If the floor jelly's grape or orange, you'll keep standing. But if it's strawberry, report to the manager for handling!”
The orange gelatin is still squishy inside.
#003. Hastily-wrapped Beer
“Low effort is an understatement. One bottle is empty already.”
Probably taken directly from Netzach’s stash.
#004. 1.76MHz Re:mix
“They said you could make music out of anything, even static. Barely stable, further remixing not recommended.”
Available in vinyl.
#005. Voucher for Masseur Blue Star
“A voucher for 40 seconds of the best massage you’ll ever have. Please ensure to only take a total of 20 seconds to enter and leave the massage parlor.”
Lobotomy Corporation will not be held responsible for any side effects of Blue Star stepping on your spine.
#006. Ultra Rare Collector’s Edition of Tenebrais’s Signature
“If word gets out you have this, a horde of clerks the likes of which this Wing has never seen before will descend upon thee. Also probably don’t let Tenebrais see it.”
Fiercely coveted on the clerks’ underground market. Definitely not ripped off of her paperwork.
#007. Rubber Crimson Dawn Army
“You know you want to, you can’t resist… psssssh…. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!”
If you press them all at once, you can really hear the fog horn.
#008. A Box of Jerky
“Smells like jerky.”
Sender is unknown.
#009. Blessed Bulb Earrings
“You have been greatly blessed this day.”
Only two pairs have been created as the creator suffered an unfortunate growth of plant limbs before completing the third.
#010. Goth Bucket
“This is a metaphor, not an actual bucket. Do not attempt to use it as a bucket. Avoid the Lobrus.”
Previously owned by an employee who was asked to report on what the Extraction Team was up to. The meaning is unclear.
#011. Best Friend in a Box
“Aww, this is so adorable. I need to go show this off to all of my friends!”
A good present that has done nothing wrong in its life.
#012. Punishing Present
“Whoever opens this present completely deserves what will happen next.”
A small bird with a ribbon on it. Seems unusually irate.
#013. Forbidden Film of Ultimate Cute!
“Restricted video footage created from all of Hod’s attempts to make a training video involving Ppodae. The sheer magnitude of cute within is highly addicting to watch and sudden injuries of varying severity occur some time after watching. Completely unrelatedly, the number of fights among employees saw a marked increase during test cases of the film.”
SO… SO CUTE! I WANT TO TAKE IT HOME WITH ME!
#014. Melting Cutie Face Mask
“A handy fabric mask you wear to show others they should keep the appropriate distance from you! Help support your favorite cuties AND stay safe!”
May infect others. The slime around the edges causes glasses to fog up half as fast. How helpful!
#015. Liquid Despair
“Eau du désespoir. The perfect scent to accompany your inevitable demise.”
Distilled Tears of a Knight. You monster.
#016. Photo Evidence of Alien Activity
“Irrefutable evidence of aliens. The subject in question is unclear, but there is no question it’s totally an alien.”
NOTICE: Please stop taking paper from the Information Team printer. We are running critically low and F-05-32 is already angry.
#017. More Abnormality Details
“It’s not another cactus, right?” Fresh off the printer.
Of course it’s not a cactus.
#018. Bowl of Smiling Bodies
“Wake up and taste the SMILE! A whole body in every bite!”
Guaranteed to have you grinning every meal!
#019. That’s Pretty Grape!
“Is your life not GRAPE enough? Drop these tablets into whatever you want to instantly add the perfect amount of grape flavor! What, you don’t like grape flavor? I’m sure you will... sooner or later...”
That’s Pretty Grape ™ was patented despite having a testing pool size of one due to its overwhelming effectiveness at making grapes great.
#020. 0-01-45’s Psychiatry Booth
“Use this and 0-01-45 will show up to give free doctor’s advice! Usefulness of advice not guaranteed. Comes with a complimentary smooch!”
Always handy to have around off the clock. You can ask for advice whenever or wherever you want!
#021. Fiery Pillow
“A pillow so warm and comfortable it’ll feel like you’ve been reborn after using it to sleep. May or may not spontaneously combust when in use.”
Very warm to the touch. The feathers are pretty rare.
#023. Guaranteed Promise
“No regrets! No refunds.”
Guaranteed rate up for one usage of Old Faith and Promise. No faith required. It’s not quite known what currency had to be exchanged to create this.
Thanks much to Evil Kit for most of the descriptions and plenty of the art pieces on this post!
‘Twas an absolute pleasure to work with you on completing this amazing collaboration. All credit to Sorcrane for reaching out to organize this, I had a blast coming up with ideas, descriptions, and creating some art(?)! Merry Christmas and happy holidays y’all.